Nightmarish Sacrifice (Cardew) (12 page)

             
I had the opportunity to continuously convince myself into its unstoppable force, as Cardew and I were seeing each other every single day: at first mainly on rehearsals, but, as it seemed that the – almost – innocent jokes we were tossing at each other then were too much for the others from the cast to bear, we had to keep silent when with them and stick to the script, so improvisations were left for later, when we were leaving together – of course, after Cardew turned down the usual at least three different invitations.

             
He was full of ideas where to take me and what to show me, and I didn’t even dare thinking that I was getting to know him, as just when I tried to predict what his next step would be, he was always surprising me as effortlessly as I was evading his attempts to capture me. Not that his actions lacked logic – just that he was changing this logic so dynamically that I was wondering how he was managing to play the same role in the theatre for so long.

             
And – the more time we were spending together, the more both of us needed those moments, and the more furious the game of dominance between us was becoming. Mr Shelton was repeating that he was feeling like a lottery winner with us, as he had never had so brilliant actors – yeah, ‘brilliant’ was his word – between whom all emotions in the palettes of wrath and passion were going on so naturally and expressively that everything looked completely vivid and real.

             
“Just don’t break up!” he had jokingly been pleading us after one scene in which we had entered our parts so deeply that we almost threw each other down onto the floor into furious fighting, and even those who weren’t among our fans hadn’t managed to hide how impressive it had been. “At least not before the play is presented! –”

             
And he was not the only one to think that Cardew and I were a couple – maybe due to all the time we were being seen together, or just because of the roles we had in the play, but everyone was so amazingly sure in the existence and seriousness of our relationship that we were constantly joking about that. On top of it, the gossip about us was so strenuous that it was coming from all directions even to us, together with the envious glances neither could escape, especially when we were together.

             
Cardew himself was impudent enough to behave as though the rumours were true, even when we were alone and nobody could see us, and this was really getting on my nerves – or rather, I was feeling obliged to demonstrate so because of the rules of the enticing game we were playing – but this was only amusing him and no words of mine could discourage him from calling me ‘lovely’ in front of everybody or talking as though he was waking up beside me every morning.

             
“Let them speak, lovely,” he waved his hand leniently when I attacked him about that into an outburst of unfounded rage. “It won’t be so far from the truth in the near future –”

             
And he laughed so negligently that I simply gave up all the possible attempts to correct the hearsay.

             
Besides, I wasn’t so sure that he was wrong...

             
I was already feeling as though I was going to lectures and studying in some parallel world, and the only minutes when I was really awake and alive were those in which Cardew and I were nagging at each other, arguing and laughing together.

             
Not that the fierceness with which we were treating each other had diminished – on the opposite, it was rising – just that the conflict between the two of us was more often being overshadowed by the one between us and the outer world – in cases when someone else was trying to get too close to us and invade our ideal warlike chaotic harmony – and in such moments I could rely on Cardew more than on myself, as then I could see in action his idea of best enemies being best friends.

             
And yet, we still weren’t trusting each other – at least not in the ultimate self-denying way which would let us confide one’s life in the other’s hands – the fragile but durable trust we had between ourselves was different from the classic one as much as a diamond is different from graphite, despite the same element building them. So – even though we weren’t telling each other secrets or asking for any kind of help so as not to show weakness – we knew more or less what to expect from the other...

             
Generally.

             
And – just like he was believing about me – I was sure that Cardew would never betray me... seriously.

             
Naturally, he wouldn’t miss the chance to tease me subtly and turn it all into a joke that would be far more flattering than embarrassing, and he would every time try to make me obey his unspoken orders to do what he wanted me to do – which was always plotted in the most evil way, but especially so as to please me. However, he would never express true violent tyranny in any way, or humiliate me in front of someone else – in fact, he wasn’t doing it when we were alone either.

             
And – however strange this was given the rune of destruction and all the other warnings I had received – I believed that he would not hurt me on purpose.

             
At least not seriously.

             
All his features were already utterly familiar to me: his strikingly handsome face, the alluringly soft wavy hair spilling over all gory nuances from coppery-golden to almost obsidian-coloured, the mighty silvery steel-gray sparks filling his penetrating enslaving eyes, and his radiance as a whole – so beautiful and at the same time so majestic that they were taking the breath away...

             
And yet, his past was still remaining a mystery to me – an indirectly forbidden topic we were never speaking about, however I was trying to provoke him reveal even the tiniest detail. My joking with his supernatural powers gave no results – he didn’t show anger anymore and just laughed with me, so my supposition that he really was something not human melted away with a single breath of his.

             
However, the enigma was still there, and I couldn’t get to know the boy Cardew had been before and maybe still was on the inside – he had wrapped his past and soul inside numerous opaque veils, and it was exactly this impossibility that was reinforcing my craving to find out...

             
Even though I was subconsciously hoping not to, as I was relishing the enchanting mystery so much that I wasn’t sure I wanted to lose it.

             
After all, I was convinced that mysteries were best just before being revealed...

             
And yet, Cardew was all tempting charm and irresistibility, and his attitude towards me had remained unchanged in spite of the many hours we were spending together, and I was gradually beginning to feel safe in his presence, to consider him my equal rival, not a dark ominous threat in whose shade I was in constant danger.

             
My nightmares had stopped, too, and I hadn’t been dreaming of the sacrifice for more than a week, as – instead of it, Cardew had come to conquer my consciousness while I was sleeping, and was starring in all my dreams just as well as in my awake state. Not that those dreams were always special – rather just a reflection of our everyday life – but, as I was feeling that it was his being in my subconsciousness that had chased the nightmares away, I was utterly grateful to whatever weird and meaningless visions of mine he was appearing in.

             
Cardew was constantly showing me that he was appreciating my company, and I wasn’t missing to hint him that I really enjoyed talking to him, too – including all the mock-arguments and even minor scuffles in which neither was getting hurt. His personality was so versatile and bewitching that he was easily managing to turn the usual days into prolonged thrilling adventures, and the supposedly dull rehearsals were easily becoming a real joy – for the two of us only, not for everyone – because he possessed the unique talent to entertain as naturally as he was breathing, and he was generously spilling the rays of that gift of his all over me – but the others didn’t even stand a chance of being touched by them.

             
Maybe by instinct or just as he was so ‘overly observant’, he knew how to treat me so as to both please me and irritate me to the point of laughter, and the reason why I wasn’t his yet was not something rational but simply my defiance – such surrendering would put an end to the game, and probably to his interest as well.

             
However, it was one beautiful gloomy aromatic evening when I confessed before myself that I was...

             
In love with Cardew.

             
The thought made me shudder on the inside with both fear and overwhelming excitement.

             
In love with Cardew!...

             
Oh dear, how had it happened?!... Slowly and step by step or... since the first moment we met?...

             
Immediately – I realized after a short reflection upon it; it had happened at once – for a fraction of the second – just that it had taken me days to completely understand it...

             
The dusk was descending closer and closer above the land and the sun had set so long ago that its pale coppery radiance had already almost totally disappeared from the dark violet vault above. Cardew and I were sitting alone on the large stone bench near the noiseless forest, and the talk between us had gently died, drowned into silence which had turned out far more meaningful than words, as neither of us was ready to pronounce exactly what our hearts were whispering.

             
My arm was almost touching his, and I really wished I could lean my head on his shoulder without letting him take this gesture for a sign of trust and affection.

             
Not that it wouldn’t be...

             
‘No, I can’t be in love with him –’ I protested in my mind, wondering how to struggle against such an irrational feeling which I hadn’t known about, but – as soon as I had realized that it existed, I had also found out how immense its power blazing inside me was – growing, invincible, unstoppable. ‘I don’t even know him for real –’

             
‘As if it matters!’ a tiny cunning voice sang in my head.

             
I sighed deeply and the warm fragrant air I had breathed in made me pay more attention to the quiet intoxicating gentleness in all colours around, softened by the translucent dusk; Cardew cast me a slant glance and smiled, having noticed that it hadn’t been sorrow that had made me sigh.

             
“I dreamed about you last night –” my voice did sound dreamy, and so was I.

             
“You were daydreaming or had a nightmare?” he informed himself and I lightly flapped away his hand which had reached to fondle mine.

             
“A nightmare, of course,” I announced proudly, playing insulted in a rather comical way. “Why on earth would I lay awake all night and fantasize about you?!”

             
Right – as though I wasn’t doing it so embarrassingly often...

             
“I am a common fantasy,” Cardew shrugged with obvious contentment. “Many girls here do it –”

             
I gave out a low threatening growl and he smirked lightly.

             
“Don’t count me as just one of the others!” my intonation went truly menacing. “If I was, why are you here now? Go look up some of them, why should it matter exactly which one you are with?!”

             
Cardew shook his head and the smile of real satisfaction widened on his face in such an enchanting way... “You yourself said it, lovely – it’s vain rebellion to give up something you like doing just because most people do, too, and you want to be different.”

             
I rolled my eyes and he grinned, reaching to caress my hair.

             
“Come on, confess it –” he teased with his quiet seductive intonation while the backs of his fingers were tenderly sliding down my neck. “Follow my example – yes, I admit that you do appear in my dreams when I fall asleep... and a bit before that –”

             
I had to bite my lips to block the outburst of giggling, and turned to face him seriously, casting him a murderous glimpse from under my lashes.

             
“And what exactly do I do there?” I raised my tone to the mock-irritated deeply offended threatening pitch, while Cardew was innocently chewing lightly on his lower lip so as to demonstratively try to get away with no answer.

             
“Aw –” the boy was brilliant at playing naively embarrassed, just that I couldn’t get caught. “You... wouldn’t really approve of that –”

             
“Uh –” I blinked emptily, then shook my head with the I-knew-it martyr expression, and he chuckled in an irresistible melodic way.

             
“Don’t get canonized for a saint, lovely –” his voice was turning into quiet tempting whisper, and I involuntarily closed my eyes to sink more deeply into its absorbing vibrations which were setting me to float into a whole new universe of mysteriously shimmering sensations. “You are a goddess and it suits you far far better –”