Nightmarish Sacrifice (Cardew) (45 page)

             
Waiting for his hand to rest in mine.

             
Waiting for him to pronounce my verdict.

             
The lack of words had rarely been so inflamingly painful...

             
But his eyes were silent, even after he blinked once to break the contact, and then stared at me again, this time without stretching to get to my soul. His expression was so utterly blank that I was sure he had placed the invisible shield between us again, a mask protecting his real emotions from my recognition.

             
Unless the constant pretending had deadened his ability to feel...

             
And was this the reason why he was still hesitating whether he could trust me: because he himself couldn’t love at all, and thus he didn’t know how utterly enslaving this feeling was?

             
I didn’t know the answer...

             
“My past doesn’t matter to you?” Cardew repeated under his breath, the vibrations of his passionless voice making the air in the whole room tremble. “But what if it’s the key to my future?”

             
Only breath escaped from between my departed lips as I struggled to answer – suddenly left alone by his stare, my soul had benumbed into total petrifaction, my eyes radiating subtle horrified yearning.

             
Cardew smiled neutrally again, and from his expression I couldn’t guess if it was fury, worry, or hatred that was powering him in that second.

             
His mask was of stone.

             
“What if –” he carried on and his hand caressingly slid under mine which was still stretched towards him; the brutal unrestricted cruelty roaring in his stare was so forceful it could annihilate my whole world by just craving to do so. “What if now I –”

             
“Do it!” my words resounded like an order; I had sensed what he meant – the evil in his eyes was unmistakable, so was the powerful way in which his fingers pressed mine, so tightly they could easily break them.

             
My perceptions had whispered to me that his words would have been, ‘What if now I kill you –’

             
Cardew froze for a moment, his eyes glaring tensely and tightly at mine, as if he just wanted to check where the edge was, so as to fling me off it into the depth of the abyss of horror...

             
But I didn’t surrender.

             
He could kill me but not make me confess what I didn’t believe in.

             
“Do it!” I repeated more insistently and his eyes glared up with atrocity again, but I relaxed my hand even more, and let my tender gaze confirm my words while I was pronouncing, “Odda’s ghost warned me several times, but I will never regret not listening to her. Do it, my love, kill me –”

             
There was something wildly predatory in the way in which Cardew bared his teeth, something in him which was both untamed and untamable...

             
Something I was endlessly attracted to, despite its danger.

             
“Do you want to be my next sacrifice?” Cardew uttered temptingly, bowing closer to me, and I heard the deafening pulsation of the blood in my veins as he smiled in an evilly irresistible way which so brightly reminded me of the nightmare about Odda’s death that I felt as though I had just seen the torches of the eleven men in gray refracted in his eyes, turning his honey-crimson hair mischievously scarlet.

             
But I was not afraid – and that was not bravery, nor some logic proving to me that I was safe – on the contrary, all my senses were screaming farewells to my mind, and my heart was ready to detonate at the first command his lips would give me.

             
Yet, I was not afraid...

             
“You don’t believe in my feelings towards you, and my death won’t inspire any affection for me in you –” I was proud of how firm and calm my voice sounded, despite the weakness fluttering inside me as I looked into his unforgiving eyes. “But if it will make you believe that I love you... then I want to die! –”

             
Cardew’s sinister smile widened at once, his nails gently scratched down my skin, the cruelty in his stare crystallized to transparence, and...

             
He unexpectedly drew back, letting my hand fall apathetically on the bed cover.

             
And that was it.

             
Oh gods...

             
“You are not the girl for me,” he announced coldly and got up, leaving me alone in his bed.

             
I hardly suppressed my desire to sink my fingers into the airy pillow and tear it to pieces so as to release my inner tension and not to break down to tears while watching him walking up and down the room like a wounded beast in a cage.

             
I was not the girl for him? What was my flaw, why wasn’t I good enough?...

             
Had I shown myself too weak?

             
Oh dear, I should have known...

             
“But... why?” I raised my voice, clearing all the sobbing elements out of it not to hint the answer myself.

             
Didn’t he know how strong I could be if I had to fight?

             
However, Cardew surprised me again: he turned to face me and cast me a prolonged exploring gaze as if to test my stamina, then slowly approached me – his movements getting me completely hypnotized – and stopped by the edge of the bed without taking his eyes off mine.

             
“Because –” he began with a suppressed sigh and took my head in his hands, his palms satin-soft on my neck while his eyes were kissing mine in a heavenly unforgettable way. “Because I just don’t deserve you, Freya, although... Although I love you –”

             
Silence, louder than any explosion...

             
Then the sudden but expected outburst of thousands of feelings...

             
I forced myself to inhale so as not to suffocate, still unable to totally sink in the meaning of his words; gentle and heart-meltingly careful, Cardew bent closer above me – slowly as if to let me push him back in case I wanted to – but, as I was staring at him with a mixture of disbelief and pleading, he just smiled noiselessly, and his lips brushed mine in an innocent kiss, unusual for his supposedly wanton nature.

             
So it was true! He really loved me – and, unlike the ghost girl had been trying to convince me, he wasn’t cursed not to be able to say it aloud!

             
Cardew loved me...

             
Which non-existing pagan god had blessed me with such dangerous but so desperately desired fortune!...

             
“You... you love me? –” I uttered silently – I needed to hear it again so as to believe it – his confession was so unreal to me that I was ready to believe it was a part of a nightmare or a vision I was subconsciously confusing with reality.

             
And yet, it was real...

             
I had never seen Cardew so tender and so open before – as if my confession that his past made no difference to me had broken something deeply inside his soul, and his need of defences against me had weakened; I could clearly perceive his subconscious shield crack all over, quickly fall apart and leave his chest bare while he sat on the edge of the bed and caringly removed a negligent tuft of hair off my face as I crawled closer and cuddled beside him.

             
“I wanted you to know it –” his melodious whisper was coming like fragrant balm to my tortured soul, and I pressed my forehead more tightly against his shoulder, like I was afraid he would suddenly run away.

             
But Cardew obviously had no such intentions, as his hand calmingly buried in my hair, his other arm warmly wrapped around me, and he went on with his crushingly tender caring tone which would easily lull me if I wasn’t so hopelessly wide awake.

             
“It’s strange that I can relax with you so much that I let you come so close –” it was probably easier for him to speak as our eyes weren’t meeting, and I stayed silent and just adjusted myself more comfortably in his embrace, motionless and thrilled while he was strewing me with the words I had so fervently desired to hear.

             
“And that’s because of your personality –” Cardew left a fluttering kiss in my hair and I could instinctively sense a blissful smile tremble on his lips; oh, if only my premonition of death wasn’t reinforcing with every minute!...

             
“Because you are special –” the boy gently laid his folded forefinger under my chin and I looked up at his eyes – their constantly changing grayness was deeper and purer than velvety newborn snow – crisp, pale bluish, and untouched. “You are someone I can respect and admire, and receive the same in return –” his smile was charming and frank, and I couldn’t help smiling back and rising closer to him as he went on. “You are a real pleasure of an enemy, lovely, and you make an honest and equal rival – besides, you became my closest friend, and –”

             
His tone was intoxicating, the words leaving such deep traces in my memory that it almost hurt – but I was so overwhelmed with happiness that the night outside felt brighter than the fairest day.

             
The pause Cardew made was short, and he used it to bow and kiss me in a more prolonged, airy way, before whispering, his breath dancing on the surface of my lips and chasing the moist off them with its ardent warmth, “And the only love I will ever have –”

             
My eyes were radiating effervescent sparks of joy, and his were generously pouring on me the complete admiration I was so grateful for that I would be happy to stay in his loose embrace and stare at him for the time of eternity.

             
“You are strong,” Cardew’s thumb gently caressed the surface of my lips and he gave me another smile I could enjoy for years. “But not too domineering – just to the point of being confident in your willpower; you can be both tender and mildly aggressive –” he took a breath and I surrendered to his temptation and tenderly sank my teeth in his lower lip without hurting him.

             
“And attractively light-hearted but without being superficial at all –” he finished and repaid for my kiss with another one – eager and surprisingly delicate, hinting that he would speak more.

             
“Proud but not striving to humiliate the other; playful, and at the same time able to be extremely faithful –” Cardew breathed out in my hair and I pressed myself tightly in his arms again, closing my eyes and concentrating on the current moment; his following words reminded me of a warm evening I had spent in his embrace, when I had first confessed my feelings aloud, “Like I told you before, lovely, you are my ideal of a girl.”

             
And, before I could add anything, the smile in his expression mixed with regret, and he went on more quietly, “But I am not the kind of boy that you need.”

             
I bit my lips not to ask an empty question, and shook my head with a naturally faked calm smile.

             
“You are the boy I want,” I reassured him in that obvious fact in an attempt to distract him and unnoticeably protect him from his self-destructive attacks.

             
But Cardew had already taken his mask partially off, and, although I would never confess it to him, I got frightened that he would hurt himself with his effusion of openness.

             
Still, I didn’t say anything – my attempts to stop him would reveal my fears to him, and that would humiliate him – so I just waited for him to carry on, I could perceive that he would.

             
“Desires are what can most easily ruin us, lovely,” the boy smiled with flawlessly played moderation, and nobody but me would have sensed the tormenting grief in his tone. “If I could give you an honest advice –”

             
The silence was heavy as lead but I didn’t break it; his satiny voice did it tenderly.

             
“I would tell you to run away from here –” Cardew’s eyes weren’t letting me glimpse away from them, the outburst of strong emotions in his soul visible through their dark-gray translucence. “Escape from me, beautiful girl, and don’t let me ruin your life!”

             
Shocked, I stared at his gaze like I was hypnotized, but the way in which he was watching me made me feel so young and naive that I shuddered, unable to ignore the incomparably mighty dark forces raving inside him and ready to turn his whole being to a wreck.

             
So I had always been right about this boy: he was danger itself.