Nila's Hope (26 page)

“I didn't hear a thing,” she murmured to herself. “Those painkillers…”

Gracie's voice squeaked. “Pain killers? What's that?”

“Grace Ling Phillips! Where are you?” Lily called.

“Uh-oh.” Gracie slid off the bed and waved with her fingers. “I have to go. Bye.”

Nila smiled. “Thanks for coming to see me. I'll be up in a few minutes.”

Half an hour later, Nila entered the kitchen dressed in overalls and a baggy green sweatshirt.

“Hi, Lily. It's good to see you. Good morning, Lydia.”

“Good morning, my dear,” Lydia said. “I'm glad you could join us. I'll bet you'd like some coffee. Here, this is fresh. Did little Miss Gracie disturb you?”

Nila smiled her thanks for the steaming mug and cautiously settled at the table before answering. “No. Those painkillers pretty much knocked me out. I'd been trying to wake up for a while. Gracie helped me.”

Lily grimaced and shook her head. “I told her not to bother you. I should have known she'd have to make sure you're all right. She's been as excited to see you as she was her grandparents.” She leaned her hip against the counter. “Looks like you've got a fan.”

Nila's smile disappeared and her shoulders sagged. She set her coffee cup down. “I hope you're wrong. I'm not role-model material.”

Lydia and Lily shared an unidentifiable gaze.

Lily patted Nila's shoulder as she walked by. “I'll go see how Parker and the kids are doing with that jigsaw puzzle. We'll catch up later, OK?”

Nila nodded, head low.

Lydia sat across from her and waited until Nila met her gaze. “May I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why did you push Nick?”

Nila's eyes widened. Her heart lurched. “He was going to hurt Jess and Tommy.”

“Did you want to kill him?”

She automatically pressed her hand to her side. “No! Yes.” She closed her eyes. “I don't know.”

Lydia waited.

When Nila opened her eyes, tears threatened to spill. “I couldn't let him hurt the kids. I knew he would. And I didn't think I'd ever really be free from his control.” Regret turned liquid and ran down her cheeks. She buried her face in her hands. “But I didn't want to kill him. How can I live with that?”

Lydia moved her chair closer and stroked Nila's back in widening circles of comfort. “You already are released from any guilt. Not only did you defend your own life, you protected the children. And the police agreed.”

“They did.” She lifted her head and turned her wet face toward her friend and mentor. “But I still feel horrible. How can God possibly forgive me?”

Lydia moved closer and hugged Nila. “Would you do something for me? Two things, actually.”

“Of course.”

“Read Isaiah 53, particularly verses 5 and 6. I think they'll help you understand how God forgave you. Here, use my Bible.”

Nila tilted her head. “OK. And the second thing?”

“Give yourself time to grieve.”

She thought about that for a moment and slowly nodded her head. “I loved Nick. At least I thought it was love. I always hoped he would change. I prayed for him after Jesus saved me.” She sighed. “And now it's too late.”

Lydia moved to the stove as Nila opened the Bible. “Feed your soul, but feed your body, too, if you want to heal quickly,” she said. “What would you prefer, french toast or scrambled eggs?”

Nila opened her mouth to refuse but changed her mind when her stomach grumbled. “Eggs, please. And thank you.”

“You're more than welcome. Want to read out loud? I love those verses.”

Nila bent over the Bible and read aloud until her throat constricted.

“But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.”

Nila closed the book. She couldn't bear the shame. It was her fault Jesus had suffered.

Why had Lydia chosen those verses? Didn't she realize?

Forgiveness was only for those who forgave. Guilt suffocated her. She couldn't breathe. She pushed away from the table and stumbled toward the basement door.

“I'm sorry, Lydia,” she said. “I need to be alone.”

 

****

 

Monday afternoon, Will stepped back and admired his handiwork. White bi-fold doors now covered the deep closet in Nila's new bedroom. Already the room felt brighter, and after one more coat of semi-gloss paint and installation of a couple doorknobs, this part of his project would be complete.

He heard a knock at the door and voices in the kitchen. The enticing smell of fresh coffee and some kind of baking drew him into the kitchen.

“Happy Christmas Eve, Will. I thought you and Faith might need a break.” Kendra handed a plate of warm, chocolate chip cookies to his sister and set an open, steaming thermos on the counter.

“Thanks. Chocolate chip—my favorite.” He grabbed a cookie and popped it in his mouth. “Um-mm, these are good.” He chewed, swallowed, and grinned. “Happy day-before-Christmas to you, too.”

Faith pulled three mugs from the cupboard. “You must have read our minds. This is perfect. Can you join us?”

Kendra shook her head. “No, thanks. I don't want to keep you, and I've still got packing to do. We're taking off tonight to spend the holidays with my parents. I wanted to see how you were doing, though.”

Faith poured two cups of coffee and handed one to Will, who popped a second cookie into his mouth as he accepted the coffee mug.

“I'm not nearly finished with the boxes we brought over today. Hopefully we've still got a few hours before Jason calls for help. Thanks for letting us in. Nila's lucky to have you for a landlord.” Faith moaned in pleasure as she bit into a cookie. “Kendra, these are fantastic.”

“They sure are,” Will mumbled, around his mouthful of cookie.

“Glad you like them. And I'm glad you're doing this for Nila. Sounds like she needs friends like you.”

Will swallowed his cookie, but part of it seemed to stick in his throat. His voice cracked as he said, “Sure hope she agrees.”

After Kendra left, Faith sat on the flowered couch and patted the cushion beside her. “We need to talk.”

Will grabbed a third cookie before crossing the room to sit beside his sister. “What about?”

“A couple things.” Faith closed her eyes briefly, and when she opened them, dampness shimmered there. “I said it before, but I'm really sorry I lashed out at you. I was just so worried. We saw the ambulance, and…”

Will hunched forward, his elbows on his knees. His shoulders drooped under the weight of regret. “You were right. I promised to be there, and I left.” He shuddered. “When I think about how it could have ended…”

“But it didn't.”

Will leaned into his sister's hand as she kneaded the knotted muscles in his back.

“You had an impossible choice to make. And guess what? God still managed to save my kids, even without your help.”

Will straightened, dislodging her hand. “Yeah, He did. But I still regret my choice.” He faced her. “What's the second thing?”

Faith broke eye contact. “I guess it's two more things. I really appreciate you letting me help with this. I feel guilty, too, and doing this for Nila alleviates that a bit.”

Will frowned. “Why?”

Faith sighed. “If I hadn't been so eager to get a night out…”

“Hold on.” He waited until she faced him. “Mom said something last night. Maybe you weren't in the room. But it stuck with me, since I have so many regrets. Haven't really figured it out yet, but it got me thinking.”

“What?”

“Just this: God is never caught off guard. Never surprised. No matter what. Before it happens, He knows.”

Faith leaned her head against the back of the couch and closed her eyes. “I didn't hear that. Wow.”

“Yeah. It's rolling around in my head. Something to think about, eh?”

His sister nodded without speaking.

“Anyway, we need to finish this.” He glanced at his watch. He needed to get home and shower before the Christmas Eve service. “You bringing the kids to the church?”

“Of course. We want to make it a family tradition. So I guess we'd better get back to work if we want to get this part done. ”

“Wait a sec. What's the third thing?”

Faith grinned. “When are you planning to tell Nila how you feel about her?”

Will felt his face warm. “I was kind of hoping this”—he gestured around the small suite—“would tell her.”

His sister shook her head. “Nope. It might do for a guy, but women like words, too.”

She patted his cheek as she stood. “I'll help you practice, if you want. Repeat after me, I adore you, Nila. You are my world, the light of my life. Marry me. Without you I am nothing.”

Will swatted at her arm, but she back-stepped out of reach. “Missed me.”

“You're a brat,” he said, “but I love you, anyway.” He opened another box, but his mind kept replaying his sister's words. Was he ready to say them?

And how would Nila respond? How much time did she need?

 

 

 

 

30

 

Nila tried to find a comfortable position, but every part of her ached. She wanted to sleep. She needed some rest. But sleep brought nightmares, not rest.

The house was quiet. Hayley and her parents were on their way home to Ontario, and everyone else had gone to the Christmas Eve service.

She eased out of bed, padded upstairs, and pulled out the dinner Lydia had left warming in the oven. She lifted the foil and inhaled wonderful aromas. Ham, scalloped potatoes, and green beans beckoned. Nila picked up a fork and took a bite. So good. She swallowed, and immediately, her stomach rebelled. She dropped the plate onto the counter and bolted to the bathroom.

Nila rinsed out her mouth and trudged back down the stairs. She lay on her bed, and the heaviness that had taken up residence in her soul compressed without mercy. Of course she couldn't eat. She didn't deserve sustenance. She was a killer. A danger. A mistake.

Moisture filled her eyes, but she shut her eyes tight against it. She didn't even deserve the relief tears would bring.

A whisper startled her. “My child.”

Eyes wide, she lifted her head and scanned the bedroom. No one was there. Not visibly, anyway. Who said that?

“God, is that You? If it is, please leave me. You are holy, and I'm no good.”

She lay face down and pulled her pillow over her head. All she wanted was sleep. Without nightmares. Maybe forever.

 

****

 

Low, gray clouds made Christmas Day almost as dreary as Will's mood.

Jessica and Tommy had been up for hours, and their happy laughter as they played with new toys grated on his nerves.

He sat at the kitchen table, coffee mug cradled in his hands.

In the living room Tommy pounded his new drum and squealed.

Will jerked, and coffee splashed onto his fingers. He yelped, jumped up, and stuck his hands under the tap.

Faith rushed into the kitchen. “What happened?” She grabbed a towel and handed it to him as he turned off the water.

“Spilled my coffee. It burned my fingers, but I'll live.”

“Glad to hear it. You seem pretty grumpy today. Something bothering you, or are you worn out from working at Nila's?”

Will topped up his coffee and sank into the chair. He stared into his coffee cup. “Tired and disappointed, I guess.”

More pounding and shrieks came from the other room.

“Never again,” he said as he shook his head. “Now I know why you told me not to get noisy toys.”

Faith sat across from him. “Glad you learned your lesson. And I'll hold you to that promise. But does your mood have anything to do with a certain young woman?”

Will sighed. “Yeah, I thought we'd do the big reveal at her suite tomorrow. But I talked to Lydia, and Nila seems to be hiding. She hasn't come out of her room since yesterday afternoon. She doesn't want to talk to anyone. She's not eating.”

“So you're worried, as well as disappointed.”

“Yes, I am.”

The racket from the living room escalated, and Faith pushed herself away from the table. “I'd better check on my noisy little darlings. Good thing we get to move back home this weekend.”

Will couldn't agree more. He'd miss his sister and her family but not the pandemonium. He touched Faith's arm as she passed, halting her. “I'm going for a drive. Maybe do some more over at Nila's. I'll have my cell if anyone wants me.”

Faith patted his shoulder. “If I hear anything, I'll let you know.”

 

****

 

“Nila, are you OK?” Dave's deep voice called through her bedroom door. “We've been invited to Daniel and Melody's for Boxing Day brunch. Do you feel up to joining us?”

Christmas Day had passed in a blur of misery, and she'd survived by hiding in her room. She felt guilty that Lily and Lydia had taken turns bringing meals down, especially since she couldn't eat. She couldn't do anything. Except cry. Now it was a new day, and she still hadn't run out of tears. She pulled the pillow over her head, but it couldn't muffle her racking sobs.

The doorknob turned partway. “May I come in?”

“I…guess,” she said, each word punctuated by a shuddering gasp.

Dave's bushy eyebrows met in a V as he entered the room. He closed the door and leaned against it. She knew he wouldn't come closer without permission.

Nila grabbed the pillow and clutched it to her chest. “I—I'm sorry. I…can't seem…to stop…crying.”