No Going Back (11 page)

Chapter Fourteen

*SETH*

Leaving Mallory, again, was fucking torture. I tried to show her how I felt about her by the way I took my time with her body.

I have a few errands I need to run while I’m still in town, the first one being getting a new phone. Most people can’t go a day without a damn phone, but it was a fucking relief being able to hang low for a while. I needed a break from everything after all the bull shit that had happened, but now, now it’s time to face all of reality again. The reality that besides my musical career, my life fucking blows. And the fact that I had to drag Mallory into it blows even more. The one person I never wanted to get hurt is the one person who all I seem to do is hurt. Not anymore. How can you hurt that person if you remove yourself from their life?

I had let our manager and the other guys know that I would be getting a new phone as soon as I got back into town. I’m sure they’re already tripping by now…well, everyone but Connor. Out of all the guys we are definitely the closest. I didn’t tell him everything that was going on, because let’s face it — I hate people knowing all my business. But I did make it clear that I had business to attend to dealing with Mallory. So, I can guarantee he knew better than to be blowing my nonexistent phone up already.

Phone. Check. I’m good to go.

Now for the part I’ve been dreading. The one call I swore to myself I’d never make. It fucking goes to voicemail.

You have reached Doug Robinson. Sorry I missed your call. Leave me a detailed message and I will get back to you at my earliest convenience.

I somehow calm myself down and refrain from breaking my new phone. Go figure. I finally decide to call the dick and he doesn’t answer. I made sure to keep my original number so it’s not like it’s a fucking surprise who’s calling. I make sure to leave a short and sweet message.

“Hey, it’s Seth, your prodigal son. If you have any redeeming qualities in your scandalous ass you will meet me at the little coffee shop at 7
^th
and Boston in an hour.” I really hate having to ask this man for any damn favors, but Mallory is seriously worth it. I would probably do anything for her but be with her. It’s obvious I’m not good for her. Plus, I have my fucking band depending on me. Music will always be my life. I belong on that stage. All the other bullshit just isn’t for me. I’m done pretending that it can be. It’s time to fully disconnect myself from this wannabe life and fully immerse myself back into my music. I make my way inside and take a seat in the far back corner and call Derek while I wait.

“Hey bro. Welcome back to the twentieth century. What’s up?” Derek is definitely one of those people who would die without his phone.

“Nothing. Are you gonna be around later? I plan on stopping by before I have to head out of town.”

“Yeah, I was expecting you to stop by last night, but you never did and I obviously didn’t have a way to get ahold of your Flintstone ass,” he chuckles. “Are you against driving vehicles that require gas instead of the use of feet as well?”

Sometimes I wonder if we are really even related. “Sure, something like that. I’ll be over in about an hour or two. I’m meeting up with Doug.” I fake cough while quickly saying, “I stayed with Mallory last night.”

“Dude, you might want to get something for that cough. Allergies are already kicking my ass.”

“Fuckin’ A Derek. You are sl-ow.” I let the word drag out of my mouth. “I said I stayed with Mallory last night.” I wait for him to freak out, but he doesn’t.

“Oh, well, how did that go?”

“Not very good.” I sigh. “I’ll see ya in a bit,” I say before hanging up.

As I sit here and wait for the sperm donor who knocked my mom up and then bailed out of being a father, I think about last night with Mallory. It was perfect. Even her falling asleep in my arms was perfect. What wasn’t perfect and the reason I’m even having Doug meet me was the nightmares she was having. I instantly knew they were about the incident that caused her to lose the baby. All I could do was wrap my arms around her a little tighter and try to calm her down by telling her ‘
it’s okay, I got you.
’ She had started to calm down some before she let out a cry, screaming,
“Allison, NO!”

Thoughts of murder had instantly flooded my mind. I hadn’t seen Allison since she booked it from that dump of a chapel in Vegas over two weeks ago. But after hearing Mallory yell her name out in her sleep, it all made perfect sense. She had found the picture that had been dropped and never intended on showing me. Once the cat was out of the bag about her fucking trying to trap me into marrying her, she pretty much had nothing else to lose. I can totally see her going all, ‘
Bitch, if I couldn’t have his baby, like hell I’m gonna let you!' on Mallory.
The idea of her pushing Mallory to what could have been her death rocks me to my core. I am solely responsible for everything — for the death of my baby…both of them. In all reality, it all stems back to me.

Doug’s limo makes sure to pull up front and center to let him out like he’s a fucking celebrity or something. Fuck that. I’m more of a star than he is. It’s crazy what you can do with money. He makes his way in, scanning the hole in the wall’s surroundings. The only time he probably steps into an establishment such as this is to confirm it needs to be destroyed and turned into an uppity scale spa or some shit.

He takes a seat across from me and smiles. “I have to admit, I was more than shocked by your phone call. Sorry I wasn’t able to answer. I was in a meeting.”

“Let’s cut the chit-chat. We aren’t friends. You’ve pretty much fucked up the possibility of any sort of father-son relationship. But since you say that all the fucking shit you did was for my benefit, I have something that I need you to do. I would never ask if it wasn’t important. I think you know that.” I raise my brow at him.

He lets out a defeated sigh. “Yeah, I know. I know nothing I do can make up for everything I have done. But if it’s in my capabilities, I am willing to help you out — to at least prove that I truly do care.”

“Oh, I’m more than sure what I’m going to ask you to do is right up your fucking alley. This is what I need: I need you to check out the videos at Mallory’s work from six weeks ago. I need you to check out all the tapes near all stairwells because I’m not sure which one it’ll be. Mallory was pushed down one of them leaving work one day and it caused her to lose our baby.”

“I’m sorry to hear th—” I put my hand out to shut him up.

“I have a hard time believing that. But anyways, I have very good reason to believe it was Allison who did it. I want you to find her. I want her to pay for what she has done. There has to be some proof that has been overlooked. I doubt there are cameras in the stairwell, but maybe around it and we can pinpoint Allison being there in the first place. Hell, she might have placed the sign on the elevator. No one else would think to check all the other tapes. Just don’t make a fucking big deal about this — meaning don’t make it a spectacle and have it blasted all over the news channels…and keep my name out of all of it. Think you can do that?” This is his only chance to prove anything to me.

“Sure thing. I’ll get right on it.” He pulls his phone out and starts typing on it like crazy, leaving me to believe he’s either texting or emailing someone.

“Okay, good. Let me know what you find out. Also, is there any way you can have one of your guys keep an eye out on Mallory? I’d hate for Allison to come back to finish what she started.”

“You bet. I already have someone on top of it,” Doug says with confidence.

I stand up and push my chair in. “I do appreciate it. Like I said, I wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t important. I want her to pay for what she has done.” He nods his head in agreement and I make my way to my Jeep.

I head over to Derek and Jesika’s before I hit the road again. I’ve been avoiding it for a little while because I’m not sure how to take seeing Journey as she reminds me of my loss...both of them now. They say you can’t miss something that you never had, but that’s a fucking joke, because in my own quiet way I’m mourning two of my kids that I will never know.

It’s perfect timing on my part. As I pull in I see Derek at his grill and the kids running around the back yard. I notice Jesika’s car is gone when I pull behind Derek’s truck. I’m more than happy to see Derek playing grill master because come to think of it, I haven’t eaten all day. That explains the now audible stomach pains I’m feeling.

I shut my door and walk through the carport to the brick porch in the back where Derek is standing by the grill holding a spatula in one hand and a beer in the other, “Damn bro, you making enough for me?” I pat Derek on the back. Jaxon and Emma run up to me yelling ‘Uncle Seth, Uncle Seth!’ I give them both hugs as they ask me to jump on the trampoline with them.

“I will before I leave guys. Let me hang out with the chef for a lil while.” I rub Jaxon’s head before they both take off. When it comes to these kids, I’m a man of my word. I walk into Derek’s detached garage to grab a beer from the fridge he has in there.

“Hey, grab me one too!” he yells.

I twist the lid off before I hand him the cool bottle and then do the same to mine, and take a seat on the steps of his back porch.

“Why didn’t you tell me? You know I would have dropped everything and came back.” Derek’s body tenses as he flips a few more burgers.

He lets out a sigh before turning around and taking a seat next to me. “I don’t know man. I had Jesika, my own wife, telling me to stay out of it. That it was Mallory’s choice. To an extent, I agreed. I wanted to call you up and tell you what happened. Hell, I tried to call your phone, but it went straight to voicemail.” He takes a swig of his beer. “I guess I’m glad I didn’t have to be the one to tell you, especially over the phone.” Shit, my phone was broke. No one could have gotten ahold of me. Derek gets really quiet. I know he feels bad for not saying anything, but who am I to judge him when I kept my own shit and even shit dealing with him hidden? I did it for the sake of
‘you’re better off not knowing’.

I peel at the damp label on my bottle. “It fucking sucks man. All of this bullshit fucking sucks, but what happened to Mallory fucking sucks more than any of it. She was hurt and lost her baby because of me. I’ll never forgive myself for that and there’s no way she’d be able to either.”

Derek stands up. “Dude, are you serious right now? It was your baby too. You think she blames you?” I don’t answer him. “If anything, you’re the only one that can help her. You’re the only one she wants.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure we’ve had this conversation before and all of this shit just proves that I’m not entitled to the happy-go-lucky life. It’s not for me. Single and on the road is my only hope of any sort of happiness.” I know that isn’t true, but right now it seems to be the only legit thing I have going. I need to be as far away from Mallory as possible and unable to cause her anymore pain. At first it will suck ass, but with time all things get better. Right? “Where’s your wife?”

“She went over to Mallory’s. Said she was worried about her because she was supposed to call her this morning and never did and wouldn’t answer Jes’ calls. You wouldn’t know anything about it, would you?”

“Like I said, I stayed the night with her. We needed each other last night. Especially after she told me she lost the baby. I was torn up and didn’t know how to take it. Man, the last six weeks I have been fucking pumped to get back home and beg Mallory back…to have the family life. Then I get back and find out that again that isn’t in my cards. That shit is just not for me Derek. Every time I let my fucking guard down and think maybe, just maybe this time it’ll all work out, it fucking goes to shit, and destroys me just a little bit more. But this time it took out someone I care about as well. I can’t deal with that again. And I won’t be responsible for her getting hurt again. I care about her too much.” I finally admit that I have feelings for her to someone other than myself.

“I really hate that all of this is happening to you…to you both, but dammit Seth, sometimes the thing you need the most is the thing you are pushing away. Do you not think that what you and Mal need right now more than anything is each other? That you two have the power to fix each other’s wounds. I hope your stubborn ass realizes that before it’s too late.” I don’t really have anything left to say about the situation. I made up my mind when I left that note for her and that’s that.

“Have you talked to mom?” Derek asks changing the subject.

I sigh, “No, I haven’t. She’s kind of the reason I had a broken phone. I had called her and it went to voicemail. I left her a fucking dickhead message and then threw my phone against the wall. I’m not sure I want to talk to her anytime soon,” I admit.

“Seth, she is our mom. I think you should at least hear her out. And then make your choice.” I pick up one of the kids baseballs that are next to the step and move my fingers along the thread. I grip it in my hand fully taking in the feel of it and close my eyes and picture us as kids in the middle of the street playing ball. We might have grown up on what some might consider the rough side of town, but we had a good childhood. I pull my arm back and making sure the kids aren’t in my line of fire, I let that baseball sail across their backyard. “Glad to know that arm still works.”

“Yeah. I haven’t thrown a ball in years.” I stand up, “About mom…I’ll deal with her sooner or later. I know I need to talk to her. I probably won’t ever want to until the day I’m forced to.”

Jesika walks outside holding baby Journey and I have the strangest urge to hold her. I’m not on Jesika’s good side right now, but that doesn’t stop me from walking up to her.

“Can I?” I hold my arms out. I see sympathy in her eyes as she carefully hands her over. Knowing how close I was to having a child of my own, and now holding this precious girl who melts my heart, I know I have to have one — someday, somehow.

I leave Derek and Jes’ house knowing there’s one more thing I need to do before hitting the road again. It doesn’t look too busy when I pull into Trick’s Tattoos. Trick Daddy, as I like to call him, has done all my tats. His attention to detail and shading are fuck-tastic. I will probably never use anyone besides him. But today, I have two special tattoos I’m wanting…ones that I never want to fade away.