No Greater Love (17 page)

“Let it go,” she said softly, and turned away to walk slowly to the window. She was thinking of what it had been like, and how anyone could pay you for that, and how they had almost lost Alexis when die ran away … and little Teddy from the brutal exposure to the freezing temperatures, and Fannie with her two little stiff fingers … and their parents … and Charles … and all the nightmares and terrors and sorrows … the wedding veil she would never wear … the gloves that had been his that she kept locked in a little leather box in her chest. She herself could hardly bear to look at the bay anymore, and she felt ill just glancing at a ship … how did they pay you for that? How much for a lost mother?… a lost father?… a lost husband?… a damaged life?… What price did people put on all that? “There is nothing they could pay us that would make up for what we lost”

Ben was nodding sadly from where he sat. “Apparently, the others have thought pretty much the same thing. The Astors, the Wideners, the Strauses, no one
else is suing either. I think some people are suing for their lost luggage. I can do that if you want me to. All we really have to do is file a claim.” But she only shook her head again, and walked slowly toward him, wondering if they would ever forget, if it would ever go away, if life would ever be even remotely as it once had been before the
Titanic.

“When does it stop, Ben?” she asked sadly. “When do we stop thinking about it night and day and pretending that we aren’t? When will Alexis stop sneaking upstairs so she can feel Mama’s fur coats, and the satin of her nightgowns … when will Phillip stop looking as though he’s carrying the weight of the world … and little Teddy stop looking for Mama?…” There were tears sliding down her cheeks, as he came around the desk and put an arm around her shoulders. She looked up at him then as if he were the father she had lost and buried her face in his shoulder. “When will I stop seeing them every time I close my eyes? When will I stop thinking Charles will come back from England?… oh, God …” He held her for a long time while she cried, and wished he had the answers, and eventually she pulled away and went to blow her nose, but even the handkerchief she carried had once been her mother’s, and nothing he could say would change what they had been through or what they had lost, and how they felt about it.

“Give it time, Edwina. It hasn’t been two months yet.”

She sighed and then nodded.

“I’m sorry.” She smiled sadly and stood up again, kissed 4iim on the cheek and absentmindedly straightened her hat. It was a lovely one her mother had bought in Paris. He walked her out of his office again and saw her downstairs to her carriage. And as she turned back
to wave at him as they drove away, he couldn’t help thinking what a remarkable girl she was. And then he silently corrected himself. She wasn’t a girl anymore. She was a woman. A very remarkable young woman.

THE SUMMER PASSED LEISURELY FOR ALL OF THEM, DOING
simple things and just being together. And in July, just as they always had when her parents were alive, Edwina took them to the lake to a camp they had always borrowed from friends of her father’s. They had always spent part of their summers at Lake Tahoe, and as much as possible Edwina wanted their lives to remain the same now. The boys fished and hiked, and they stayed in a cluster of rugged, pretty cabins. She cooked their dinners at night and went swimming with Teddy and the girls while Phillip and George went hiking. It was a simple, easy life, and here, finally, she felt that they were all beginning to recover. It was exactly what they needed, and finally, even she no longer had the same anguished, troubled dreams of that terrible night in April. She lay in her bed at night, thinking of what they’d done all day, and now and then she would let herself think of being there with Charles the previous summer. No matter
what she did, her mind always drifted back to him, and the memories were always tender and painful.

Everything had been different before. Her father had organized adventures with the boys, and she had taken long walks with her mother, picking wildflowers around the lake. They had talked about life, and men, having children, and being married, and it was there that she had first admitted to her how much she was in love with Charles. It had been no secret to anyone by then, and George had been merciless with his teasing, but Edwina didn’t care. She was ready to admit it to all the world. And she had been ecstatic when Charles had come up to stay with them from San Francisco. He brought little treats for the girls, a new unicycle for George, and a series of beautifully bound books for Phillip. His gifts delighted everyone, and he and Edwina had gone for long walks in the woods. She thought about it now sometimes, and it was hard not to cry as she forced her mind back to the present. It was a challenging summer for her mostly, though, trying to take her mother’s place, and sometimes feeling so small in her shadow. She helped Alexis learn to float, and watched Fannie play at the edge of the lake with her dolls. Little Teddy went everywhere with her now, and Phillip talked to her for long hours about getting into Harvard. She had to be everything to them now, mother, father, friend, mentor, teacher, and adviser.

They’d been there for a week when Ben came up from town, to surprise them. And as he had in years before, he brought presents for everyone, and some new books for Edwina. He was interesting and fun, and to the children, he was like a favorite uncle, and they were happy to see him.

Even Alexis had laughed happily as she ran toward him. Her blond curls were flying loose, and she had just come up from the lake with Edwina, and their feet and
legs were bare. She looked like a little colt, and in his big sister’s arms, Teddy looked like a little bear, and it almost brought tears to Ben’s eyes as he watched them. He thought of how much his lost friend had loved them all, how much Bert’s family had meant to him, and he felt his loss again the moment he saw them.

“You all look very well.” He grinned, happy to see them, as she set Teddy down, and he chortled as he ran after Alexis.

Edwina smiled happily as she pushed away a lock of her dark, shining hair. “The children have been having fun.”

“It seems as though it’s done you good too.” He was pleased to see her looking healthy and relaxed and brown, and a moment later, before he could say more, the children swarmed him.

They played together for hours, and that night she and Ben sat quietly in the twilight.

“It’s been wonderful being here again.” She didn’t say that it reminded her of her parents, but they both knew it. But still she knew she could say things to Ben she couldn’t say to anyone else because he had been so close to her parents. And it was odd coming back to the places she’d always gone to with them. It was as though she expected to find them there, but one by one, as she went back to their favorite haunts, she came to understand, as the children did, that they were gone forever. It was the same with Charles. It was hard to believe he was never coming back from England … that he hadn’t gone there for a while, and would be coming home soon. None of them would be back again. All of them had moved on. But she and the children had to live with their memories, and for the first time in a long time, they were having fun and relaxing. And as she sat in the mountain twilight, she found herself talking about her parents
to
Ben. And even laughing about some of
their past summer adventures. And he was laughing too, remembering the time Bert had pretended to be a bear and scared Kate and Ben and Edwina half to death wandering into the cabin beneath a huge bear rug.

They talked about fishing expeditions in some of the hidden streams, and entire days on the lake in the little boat they’d rented. They talked of silly things, moments they’d all shared, and memories they both cherished. And for the first time in months, it wasn’t so much painful as a source of comfort. With Ben, she was able to laugh at memories of them, they became human again, and no longer godlike. And she realized as they chuckled into the night that this was something she wanted to share with the other children.

“You’re doing a beautiful job with them,” Ben said, and she was touched. Sometimes she wasn’t sure she was.

“I’m trying,” she sighed, but Alexis was still afraid, and Phillip so subdued, and the two little ones still had nightmares on occasion. “It isn’t always easy.”

“It’s never easy raising children. But it’s a wonderful thing to do.” And then finally he dared say something to her he’d thought for months but hadn’t wanted to mention. “You ought to get out more, though. Your parents did. They did more than just raise all of you. They traveled, they saw friends, your mother was involved in a lot of things, and your father was busy with the paper.”

“Are you suggesting I get a job?” She grinned, teasing him, and he shook his head as he watched her. He was a good-looking man, but she had never thought of him as anything but her father’s friend and her adopted uncle.

“No, I meant that you should go out, see friends.” She had gone out almost constantly with Charles during their engagement. Ben had loved seeing her in beautiful gowns with dancing eyes, as she left the house on Charles’s arm, whenever he dined with her parents. She
was meant for all that, not for living the life of a recluse, or a widowed mother. Her whole life still lay ahead, altered perhaps, but certainly not over. “What happened to all those parties you … used to go to?” He was suddenly afraid to mention Charles, for fear it would be too painful, and Edwina lowered her eyes as she answered.

“It’s not the time for that now.” It was too soon, and it would only have reminded her of Charles and made his absence infinitely more difficult to bear. She never wanted to go out again, or so she thought at the moment. And in any case, she reminded Ben, she was still in full mourning for her parents. She still wore only black, and she had no desire to go anywhere, except with the children.

“Edwina,” Ben sounded firm, “you need to get out more.”

“I will one day.” But her eyes weren’t convincing, and he hoped it would be soon. She was twenty-one years old and she was leading the life of an old woman. Her birthday had gone almost unnoticed that year, except for the fact that she was now legally of age and could sign all her own papers.

Ben slept in the same cabin with the boys that night and they enjoyed his company. He took them fishing at 5:00
A.M.
, and when they returned, victorious, and very smelly, Edwina was already cooking breakfast. She had brought Sheilagh, the new Irish girl, with her, and she was pleasant, but no one seemed to have adjusted to her yet. They all still missed Oona. But Sheilagh endeared herself to the fishermen by cleaning their fish, and Edwina grudgingly cooked them for breakfast. But everyone else was extremely impressed that they had actually caught some fish this time, instead of just explaining why they didn’t.

It was a happy few days with Ben, and they were all
sorry when he had to go. They had just finished lunch and he said good-bye, and Edwina realized she hadn’t seen the boys since just before lunchtime. They had said that they were going for a walk, and after that they were going swimming, and then suddenly as she and Ben talked, Phillip exploded into the clearing.

“Do you know what that little rat did?” Phillip shouted at her, barely coherent. He was angry and out of breath and obviously very frightened, as Edwina could feel her heart pound, fearing what might have happened. “He left while I was asleep, next to the fishing hole, way in back, at the creek. … I woke up and found his shoes and his hat and his shirt floating in it…. I’ve been digging everywhere with sticks … I dove all the way to the bottom of it …” And as he spoke, Edwina saw that his arms were badly scratched, his clothes wet and torn, and his hands were covered with mud, his fingernails broken. “I thought he had
drowned!”
he shouted at her, choking on tears of fear and fury. “I thought …” He turned away so they wouldn’t see him cry, and his whole body shook as he made a lunge at George as he entered the clearing. Phillip cuffed him hard on the ear, grabbed his shoulders, and then shook him again. “Don’t you ever do that again … the next time you leave, you tell me about it!” He was shouting at him, and they could all see that George was fighting back tears, too, as he punched him.

“I would have told you if you weren’t sleeping. You’re always asleep or reading … you don’t even know how to fish!” He shouted back the only thing that came to mind, and Phillip just kept shaking him.

“You know what Papa said last year!
No one
goes anywhere without telling someone else where he’s gone. Do you understand that?” But it was more than that now. It was all compounded by the agony of losing their parents, and the fact that all they had was each other.
But George wouldn’t back down as he glared at his brother.

“I don’t have to tell you
anything
! You’re
not
my father!”

“You answer to
me
now!” Phillip grew more heated by the moment, but George was furious now too. He swung at him again and missed his mark as Phillip ducked.

“I don’t answer to
anyone
!” George screamed with tears running down his face. “You’re not Papa and you never will be, and I hate you!” They were both in tears, as Ben finally decided to step in and stop it. He reached out quietly and separated them as tears rolled down Edwina’s cheeks. It broke her heart to see her brothers fighting.

“All right, boys, enough!” He took George gently by the arms, and led him away, still sputtering, while Phillip calmed down. He looked at Edwina ferociously, walked to his cabin, and slammed the door. And once inside, he lay on his bed and sobbed because he thought George had drowned, and he desperately missed their father.

It was an incident that illustrated how shaken they still were, and how great a strain it was on the boys to no longer have a father. The boys calmed down eventually, and Ben said good-bye to them, and once again took leave of Edwina. The episode between the two boys only reminded him of what he had thought in the beginning. The family was too great a burden for Edwina alone, and he wondered for a moment if he should have tried to force her to go to England to her aunt and uncle. But one look into her eyes told him that she would have hated it. She wanted this, her family, in the familiar places they had always lived, even if sometimes it wasn’t easy.