No Kiss Goodbye (8 page)

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I ask, not sure if I want to cry or scream.

‘Because I knew you’d react like this, and to be honest, my head can’t handle any more crap.’

I sit alone in the cold corridor off the main function room for a long time. I need space. I’ve grown so used to the isolation that being by myself has somehow become synonymous with peace. I’m enjoying the silence. I need to escape the happy couples cuddling on the dance floor as they sway in circles and convince themselves they are dancing. I have to get away from the loud bunch of bachelors whose idea of a good time is suggesting to their already slightly green mate to down his next pint in one. Mostly, I just wanted to get out of the same room as Nicole. Although the dance hall is huge, the idea that the same four walls surround us has me feeling greener than that pint-chugging bachelor.

No one notices that I’ve left the table. Or perhaps they have but they’re too preoccupied to come looking for me. Ava has enough worries of her own with the idiot she’s managed to let herself fall in love with. I doubt Mark cares much that I’ve disappeared. He’s probably enjoying the freedom to chat to Nicole without the old ball and chain nagging him. I suddenly feel very out of place. I knew I never should have come. I don’t fit in anymore.

If I knew the room number, I’d take myself off to the comfort of fluffy pillows. Although I’m so angry with Mark, I really wished I had some other room to storm off to. I selfishly find myself wishing that Ava and Adam’s row escalates a little and then Ava and I can be roommates, just like old times. We can stay awake all night and bitch about Nicole. I wonder if Ava brought any of that expensive face masque that she gets shipped from New York. I begin to imagine a very exciting and relaxing girly night.

I’m startled from my daydream as Adam drunkenly bursts through the large swinging door at the end of the corridor. He races towards the bathroom. He doesn’t notice me as he passes. I wonder if he joined in the bachelor’s game and is suffering the consequences. I pity anyone else who has the misfortune of needing to use the loo when Adam is finished with it. Judging by the urgency on his face, he isn’t going to be able to hold the contents of his stomach much longer.

A tall brunette follows in hot pursuit, wobbling down the corridor in oversized stilettos. She quickens her pace as Adam lunges through the bathroom doors. There’s less than a second before she follows him inside, unconcerned that she’s heading into the men’s bathroom.

My jaw drops as my suspicions are aroused. This is a new low, even for Adam. I recognise the brunette because she sat at our table all night. She’s the girl Mark was speaking to earlier.
Thank God, it isn’t Mark she’s following
, I think. Surely, Ava must have noticed Adam and this long-legged girl leaving together. I throw my gaze back at the function room doors expecting Ava to appear at any moment to investigate. I battle with my conscience, unsure what my duty as a best friend is in this situation. Do I point Ava in the right direction so she will finally know the truth about Adam’s antics, or do I say nothing because I know it will break her heart?

I wait and wait, but Ava doesn’t appear. Adam and the girl remain in the bathroom for ages. I don’t have a watch, but it definitely has a fifteen-minute feel to it, maybe even twenty. It’s definitely long enough to get plenty of pleasurable fiddling about accomplished.

The huge, satisfied grin on Adam’s face as he leaves the bathroom makes me sick. Poor Ava; she deserves so much better than that cheating prick. I can’t be the one to tell her; it will kill her because she worships that bastard. I really don’t know what to do, so I decide to head back inside and ask Mark for his advice.

Our table is empty. Adam makes his way straight back to the bar.
Surprise, surprise.
The brunette’s coat is missing from her chair as is her partner’s. The poor fool must have gone to look for the home-wrecking whore.

I spot Ava in the corner chatting with some old friends, and I’m about to make my way over to join them when I notice Mark and Nicole among the group. Nicole is sitting forward in her seat. Her and Ava are laughing. Mark’s arm is draped over the back of Nicole’s chair, and his fingertips are barely touching the bare skin of her shoulders. Maybe to an onlooker it’s harmless – simply three friends chatting – but I know that soft touch of Mark’s hand. It’s so gentle you almost don’t know it’s there. But that’s the beauty of it; he leaves you wanting more.

I stare at the three of them until my sight starts to blur. They looked like three old ladies huddled together at a knitting convention. They are genuinely enjoying each other’s company, and I can hear their laughter over the band. There’s only one problem; it’s me who should be sitting among them, not Nicole. Why have Mark and Ava allowed Nicole to slide into our lives so easily? Soon, she will replace me altogether.

The longer I sit in solitude at our table, the more depressed I become. Various acquaintances take it upon themselves to come up and inform me of the others’ location as though I have no eyes of my own. Some even throw in a finger point in the right direction. I’m decidedly uncomfortable each time my loneliness is so blatantly highlighted. I want to join them, but my stubbornness won’t allow me. Besides, they’re so deep in conversation that I’d clearly be interrupting.

My glass is empty and has been for some time, but I still stare lifelessly into it. I barely notice Mark reappear at our table and place a vodka and Diet Coke in front of me. I begin to guzzle the contents of the glass almost choking on the slightly wrinkly slice of lemon that floated to the top. Ava is also back at our table, but there’s no sign of Nicole.

‘Have you seen Adam anywhere?’ Ava asks tapping me on the shoulder.

‘No.’

‘I wonder where he could have gotten to?’ Ava’s so concerned where the cheating idiot has strayed off to it’s upsetting. Someone has to set her straight. Christ, how I wish I didn’t have to be that someone. I take a deep breath and spill.

Colossal speakers vibrate the up-tempo drum beat across the dance floor, but the incessant pounding pales in comparison to Ava’s furious rant. Her face is a very unflattering beetroot colour and mascara swells around her eyes before being rubbed into a dirty black paste by her shaking hands.

‘You’ve turned into some bitch,’ Ava shouts, so hard her hot breath hits me in the face. ‘I’m sorry for everything that has happened to you, really I am. But I just don’t know who you are anymore.’

Ava stops abruptly. Maybe she’ll hastily retract what she has just blurted, or maybe she was waiting for me to retaliate with something as equally nasty.

I don’t speak. There’s nothing to say.

Ava throws her head to one side and continues her attack. ‘I know you are going through hell at the moment, but you are determined to drag us all along for the ride. It’s not fair, Laura. God, I have put up with so much shit. I have stupidly tolerated all the horrible stuff you say that you swear the next day that you can’t remember. Bloody selective amnesia.’

She neatly pulls her pencil slim dress just above her tanned knees and crouches down in front of me. Vicious words that are way out of character continue to spill effortlessly from her frothing lips. She rests one hand gently on the armrest of my wheelchair and the other flat across my thigh. She bends in close and places her lips softly next to my ear. She speaks slowly and clearly, and I know she wants me to catch every word. ‘It’s one thing to change, everyone does from time to time, but the old Laura would be disgusted by the selfish bitch that you have become.’

My hands clasp my face and tears rush past my shaking fingers. Ava ignores my quivering shoulders.

‘Look at him,’ Ava says. She angrily catches my head and forces me to stare at Mark. ‘He is a shell of the guy he used to be and your self-wallowing is destroying him. Is he not as entitled to feel as much pain as you? You are not the only one suffering. Can’t you see that? You’re so busy worrying that everyone will leave you. Laura, you’re the one driving us away. I’m only your friend – I can take it – but you are forcing a wedge between yourself and Mark.’

Ava stands up shakily and neatens out her dress. She runs her fingers under her eyes and wipes away the last remaining tears. She turns on her heels and slowly walks away. She doesn’t look back.

Nicole, who I suspect has been watching for some time, finally stops stirring her swizzle stick around some very lonely looking ice cubes in the bottom of her glass. She races over to me like a bulimic greyhound after a runaway sausage. I would roll my eyes, but they’re still spinning around in my head after Ava’s outburst.

‘Is everything okay?’ Nicole asks.

I shake my head instinctively, but I understand why everyone likes her so much. She’s the stereotypical Hollywood sweetheart – blond, beautiful, pleasant, and always smiling. She even manages to sound genuinely concerned now.

‘Everything is just peachy,’ I snap sarcastically.

‘It’s just…I thought I noticed you crying,’ she says rummaging in her tiny handbag before pulling out a tissue.

‘Well, you would have noticed. You were certainly staring hard enough.’ I snatch the tissue out of her hand.

I don’t care how rude I seem. This is the woman who is so terrified of me she needs my husband and doctor to protect her. But the slightest sniff of gossip and she’s suddenly plucked up the courage to pretend we’re friends.

‘Piss off,’ I growl, so irritated by her lip pouting and false concern that I struggle to suppress the urge to slap her.

‘Okay, Laura, I can see you are your usual pleasant self this evening,’ Nicole says with a superior smirk.

I don’t respond. It’s obvious she was trying to spark a reaction. I am not going to give her one. She won’t win this time. I won’t create a scene.

‘I should go look for Adam; he could probably do with a friend right now,’ Nicole suggests casually as she turns to walk away.

That’s it! Nicole has made one dig too many, and I can’t control my temper any longer. I pick up my almost full glass of vodka and forcefully fling the entire contents at her. For someone with dreadful aim, I impressively manage to get almost all the liquid to land in her hair. She yelps like a burst sausage in the frying pan.

Ava re-emerges from the bathroom and races to investigate. Mark, of course, follows the cries of the fair maiden in distress and appears in a flash. Even Adam tears himself away from the new strawberry-blonde he has found at the bar to come and check out the hysteria.

‘What the hell happened here?’ Mark asks staring angrily at me. I can see that I’m the bad guy in his eyes.

Ava quickly gathers up some crumpled serviettes from the table and dabs the excessive liquid that drips down Nicole’s hair onto the back of her dress.

I fling my tired head into my hands. I expected them to be sticky but a grainy texture brushes my cheeks. I try to block out the commotion around me as I slowly examine my hands. A white powder mattes on my fingertips where the alcohol has contacted my skin.
What the hell?
I press my fingers under my nose. It has no smell. I place the tip of my index finger on my tongue and the powder slowly dissolved without a taste. Yuck! The glass was obviously filthy. I’m extra glad Nicole ended up wearing the vodka rather than it making its way to my stomach. Dishwasher powder – maybe.

I suddenly have a horrible flashback to Mark’s phone conversation last week.
No. He wouldn’t
. I shake my head trying to toss off the disturbing notion as ridiculous. Nicole is crying and I watch as Mark fusses over her like a little-lost puppy. I’m the villain. There’s no point in even trying to defend myself when everyone has already reached their verdict.

Nicole is a guest in our lives, an uninvited one at that. I don’t want her anywhere near me, my friends, and most importantly, my children. Mark has forced her upon us all without ever checking if it was okay first. For someone who’s apparently so great with the children, she seems to be spending less and less time with them, and more and more time with my husband and my friends. She’s slowly trying to replace me and everyone seems happy to let her. Everything changed when she arrived. Everything was fine before that. I begin to wonder just how far Nicole was prepared to go…far enough to cause a horrible car crash?

The cold of the night air stings my damp cheeks. I need the bed so badly waiting for me inside, but I refuse to share a hotel, never mind a room, with Mark. I doubt anyone will miss me. Everyone will still be swarming around poor defenceless, Oscar-winning Nicole.

I never once look back as I make my way to the end of the road. I don’t want any reminders of the disaster that this evening has been. I come to a sudden stop at the end of the side street that leads to the usually busy main road. But all is very still now, eerily so. The only noise is coming from a group of rowdy teenagers perched on a low wall outside the service station a few paces down from me. They’re drinking cheap cider from an old lemonade bottle and shouting at each other for taking mouthfuls too large. They’re clearly no strangers to the loitering thing as they take turns standing guard on the corner. I wonder who they’re watching out for. A rival gang perhaps, or more realistically, they’re on guard from a surprise attack by a concerned parent. They make me incredibly uncomfortable.

‘Here, Missus,’ one of the younger boys among the group shouts while clicking his fingers at me. ‘What’s a loner like you doing all dressed up?’

I pretend not to hear them, but it is obvious their boyish laughing and sarcastic wolf whistles are intimidating me.

‘No need to be alone tonight. I’ll bring ya home and show ya a good time,’ another much older boy jeers.

‘Yeah. WUP! WUP!’ comes supportive shouts from his buddies.

‘Piss off, assholes,’ a familiar voice from behind me yells. ‘Go home and shag your pillow like you did last night.’

I turn around to find Ava standing behind me. I begin to cry, much to the amusement of the group of youths. Ava grabs the handles of my wheelchair and pushes me across the road out of earshot of the group. It’s the first time she’s ever wheeled my chair, and although I thought it would be weird, it isn’t.

‘What are you doing here?’ I ask shakily.

‘Someone has to teach you how to return some profanity,’ Ava jokes.

‘But I was horrible to you. Why did you come after me?’

‘Because that’s what best friends do. Besides, you were right. Adam is an arsehole, and I do deserve better.’

‘Ah, Ava I’m sorry. Did you split up?’

Ava doesn’t answer.

‘He couldn’t tear himself away from looking up Nicole’s skirt long enough to listen to anything I have to say. Anyway, he’s not worth wasting my breath on.’

Ava’s voice is breaking, and it’s obvious she’s hurting a lot more than her convincing cover-up hides.

‘You’re right. Us single ladies have to stick together,’ I say.

‘What? How much wine did you have, woman? I think you’ll find that little bit of gold wrapped around your finger means you’re married,’ Ava says, spinning my wedding ring around on my finger.

‘Someone should tell that to Nicole. Apparently, she likes to pretend Mark doesn’t have a wife.’

‘Well, as long as Mark remembers, that’s all that matters,’ Ava assures, but I detect some hesitancy in her voice.

‘You don’t think there is anything going on with them, do you?’ I ask, shocked that suddenly somebody shared my suspicions. Suspicions I never admitted out loud until that moment.

‘No, no, of course not,’ Ava says, shaking her head.

She’s lying, I can tell. She’s nervously opening and closing the clasp on her handbag ten times a second.

‘Ava, please don’t lie to me. If you know something, then you have to tell me.’

‘Laura, I don’t know anything. There is nothing to know. Mark loves you; that’s all I know for sure.’

‘That’s all you know for sure? Right, now I’m more worried about what you know for unsure.’

Ava falls silent.

The teenagers across the road begin heckling us again and my patience with their rudeness is wearing thin.

‘Fuck off,’ I roar in a deep voice that I didn’t know I had.

They respond with more inappropriate comments and name-calling. Eventually, when they’re getting little reaction from us, they began with the cryptic sexual hand gestures.

Ava and I both shake our heads, slightly amused at their silliness.

‘Ah is the little cripple all confused,’ one of the small ones at the back shouts. ‘Billie no mates is Billie no legs, too.’

They all laugh hysterically. Ava’s about to shout something wonderfully colourful and no doubt probably far too intellectually challenging for their tiny brains to understand, but before she has the chance, I dart across the road in a fit of temper.

I notice a lonely gathering of small chippings of cement lying on the ground. The group must have scraped them off the wall as they climbed up. I bend down and pick up several. Ava races after me.

‘Laura, no,’ she shouts.

‘You freak,’ one of them yells as I pelt them viciously with the little chips of rock.

My temper is completely out of control, and I can see my reckless behaviour. It’s as clear to me as if I am a stranger on the street watching my own actions play out. I know how unnecessarily aggressive I am, but I’m powerless to stop my anger.

‘I’m normal,’ I screech over and over. ‘Do you hear me? I
am
normal.’

‘Laura, stop! Jesus Christ, Laura, just stop it.’ Ava screams so loudly that my ears ring.

I look at the stones in my hands. I feel all the strength that came with my rage leave my body. I’m suddenly exhausted. I let my arms fall lifelessly beside me. Ava quickly grabs my hands and shakes the pebbles from my grasp.

I stare at the startled row of teens in front of me. Not one of them has moved from the wall. It’s obvious the small stones haven’t physically hurt them. They glare at me, but they aren’t staring at me in anger. They have a strange look in their eyes. I’ve noticed the same look from Mark and Nicole. They’re afraid of me. I really am a freak, and everyone knows it. My eyes weigh heavy, and like I do every time a situation becomes too intense, I pass out.

Semi-conscious, I see one of the girls in the group help Ava to lift me to sit back up. Ava apologises to the group for my outburst. I worry soon Ava will grow tired of tidying up my messes, as Mark has.

‘For the spilt drink,’ Ava says offering a tenner to the girl, but she doesn’t take the money.

‘She’s a freak, you know,’ the oldest youth says. ‘Stay away from her.’ He bends down and pulls the girl away from me as though a contagious disease riddles me.

‘I don’t think she’s well,’ the girl defends me.

‘She’s a fucking freak,’ he protests.

The girl doesn’t reply. She gets to her feet and rejoins her group. Ava grasps the handles of my chair and pushes me away. I slouch forward, my arms struggling awkwardly to grab the wheels of my chair to help push my heavy body uphill. Ava is walking so fast her calves are almost buckling beneath her, and I know she’ll have to stop from exhaustion soon.

We gain quite a bit of distance before I finally drop my hands off the wheels. We come to a stop.

‘What the hell just happened?’ Ava asks stepping out from behind my chair to face me.

‘I was hoping you could tell me,’ I answer genuinely.

‘Were you trying to get us killed? What if one of them had a knife or a gun or something?’

I don’t know which scared Ava more; the prospect of how horrible that scene could have played out, or how out of my mind I had momentarily become. Ava is still shaking uncontrollably even when we are well out of view of the group, so I know the latter has her truly terrified.

‘I’m sorry,’ I apologise, breaking what has become a very long silence.

‘It’s okay,’ Ava says. ‘It’s not your fault.’

‘I don’t know what came over me.’

‘I think I do.’

‘Wine?’ I ask, trying and failing to hide my embarrassment.

‘I don’t think the wine was the problem. More whatever was in it.’

I look into Ava’s eyes. She’s not looking at me; she’s staring blankly at the road ahead. We’ve walked far, and we’re very isolated. Ava doesn’t seem to notice. She looks as though she has the weight of a small wrestler sitting on her shoulders.

‘Ava,’ I call.

‘Mmm?’

‘You think maybe there was something wrong with the wine?’

‘I think Mark poured something into your wine this evening.’ She rushes her words together as though it hurts her so much to say it she can’t leave the words in her mouth for long.

I snort and shake my head as I once again think of Mark’s phone call. ‘Mark wouldn’t do that.’

‘I know; that’s what I thought when Adam told me but…’

‘Hang on,’ I interrupt. ‘Adam saw Mark do this?’

‘Yeah, Adam was at the corner of the bar. Mark didn’t know he was there. Laura, I was as shocked as you when I found out.’

‘I’m not shocked,’ I assure my delusional best friend. ‘I just can’t believe you would fall for any of the crap that comes out of Adam’s mouth. The guy is a compulsive liar. The only way he would know the truth was if it was tattooed on the tanned ass of some sexy blonde. Even then, he wouldn’t recognise it. He’d probably just think it was a birthmark. I was genuinely worried for a second. But if your only source is Adam, then I know I’ve nothing to be concerned about. Jesus.’

‘Laura, don’t you think I know how ridiculous this sounds? But you’re the one who is convinced Nicole is trying to get you out of the picture. Is it so hard to believe that maybe she has an accomplice?’

‘Mark loves me,’ I snap.

‘Yes, okay, Mark loves you, but why was there undissolved powder all over Nicole’s hair when you threw your drink at her?’

I hadn’t noticed the powder on Nicole; I thought it was just the little bit on my hands. I was so busy storming out that I’d just focused on the door.

‘I thought the powder on my hands was from a dirty glass, or maybe something I picked up on my wheels,’ I explain.

‘I’m sorry, Laura. I think you might be right after all. Maybe something is going on with Nicole and Mark.’

Ava bends down and hugs me, so tight it’s hard to breathe. I know she really believes Adam.

Large fat salty tears run heavily down my cheeks. My makeup that’s sat so flawlessly at the start of the night is streaky and smudged and feels like tar on my face. I can handle my doubts of Mark when it was just a niggling theory in the back of my mind, but being hit with the evidence to prove that theory is more intense than if those teenagers had fired a bullet straight through me.

‘I’m here for you, you know that, yeah?’ Ava assures.

‘I know,’ I whisper.

‘Do you want to stay with us tonight?’ Ava offers.

‘No, it’s okay; you and Adam have your own problems.’

‘Ah, don’t worry about that.’ Ava brushes it off as though they had a slight argument over who ate the last biscuit.

‘You guys aren’t breaking up, are you?’ I ask in confusion.

‘No. No, we’re not,’ Ava says almost apologising. ‘I just needed to talk to you, and I knew you wouldn’t listen to me if Adam was here.’

‘Well, where is he now? You been missing for well over an hour, and he hasn’t come to look for you or ring your phone even once. I don’t think he has even noticed you’re gone,’ I moaned. ‘Typical.’

‘He’s been driving about fifty feet behind us the whole time. I’m sorry. It’s really dark and creepy out here. I was too scared to chase after you on my own. Please don’t hate me,’ Ava pleads.

I stare at the ground as Ava twitches nervously waiting for a reply.

I grab Ava tight and hug her so hard I hear a snap. I know I’m lucky to have someone who could lie so convincingly just so they could help me discover the truth.

‘Well, can we stop and wait for him to catch up?’ I finally suggested. ‘I’m freezing.’

Adam revved the engine of his soft-top, vintage sports car as he pulls in beside us. The bonnet is so shiny that the slightest glimmer of moonlight lurking out from behind a cloud reflects impressively off it. I always wonder if his new flashy car is compensating for something, but I’m never crude enough to ask.

It’s a relief to sit in the backseat of the car.

‘Should you be driving?’ I ask remembering that Adam has spent most of the night lounging over the bar counter.

‘If you would prefer to use your own wheels to get home, then please, be my guest,’ Adam growls.

‘Adam, leave it out,’ Ava warns as she slapped her hand gently against his thigh.

‘Excuse me,’ I squeak disgusted at Adam.

‘Nothing, Laura. It was a joke,’ Ava says jumping to Adam’s defence.

I don’t find it very funny. But I say nothing. I caused enough trouble between the two of them earlier, so this time I’m going to keep my mouth shut. Besides, I have more pressing concerns on my mind.

‘We should go straight to the police,’ I suggest.

‘Ha,’ Adam snarls. ‘Like I’m really going to drive you to the cop shop so you can give them a demonstration of my drunk driving.’

‘Not about you, you idiot. I mean about Nicole trying to kill me.’