No Life But This (19 page)

And Xavier was there, anger on his face. ‘No! He’s mine now! You have to give him back!’ He tried to pull the briars away, but they engulfed him, too, and we were tangled together. He screamed out, vanishing into the thorns, and I was alone again.

I knew I was next.

‘
I don’t want to die! I don’t want to die!’

I was dragged down and down,
back into the hollowness of death.

‘I don’t want to die! I don’t want to die!’

And Rose was suddenly there, in my mind and before my open eyes, staring down into my face. It was real, I was awake, for whatever that was worth. I saw myself as Rose saw me, pale blue and sweating, and I was Rose, and Xavier, and 42, I was anyone but me. That blue, mad, wreck of a body before Rose’s eyes couldn’t
possibly be
me
. I hated it.

I don’t know if my own subconscious had recognized the imminent failure in my sleep, or if it was one of those unpredictable coincidences that can happen in severe illness, but when I woke up, it was not to the control of my own body. Everything shook and shuddered, I felt stiff, and I was utterly and completely incapable of controlling anything. It was as if some
unseen force had taken over, as if I was hooked into some kind of control collar, and the person or computer who ran it was running through an earthquake.

‘Otto? Otto!’ Rose’s face was ruddy in the holofirelight, but I could tell she was pale. I wished I could tell her not to panic. I wished I could do anything at all. But I couldn’t even force my eyes to look at her properly as every part of
me shook in an uncontrollable seizure.

After a moment of initial shock, Rose placed her hands on either side of my head and held me tightly, staring into my eyes. ‘I’m here
,’
she whispered. She was handling this remarkably well. I realized that if Dr Svarog was using her as the courier for my medication, he’d probably have warned her what to do if I went into another seizure. I blessed him with
every atom for telling her what to do in advance. But if I couldn’t control my own body, I certainly couldn’t control hers, and I could tell her nothing. I no longer felt anything from her. I couldn’t control myself enough to read her. I felt locked away – horribly locked away. Was this how everyone felt? The seizure aside, the complete isolation was horrifying to me.

I was utterly alone in here.

But then, I wasn’t. Xavier was with me, and 42, but they couldn’t do anything either.

Rose’s hands trembled, but this was only her own concern, not anything passing through from me. I was glad this was better than last time, when I couldn’t
stop
sending everything, and she’d had to fight to control her own body in the water. Rose glanced up – she was looking at the clock on the bedside. ‘Hang
on, Otto. It’s only been a minute. Under five minutes, and you should recover on your own.’ She sounded so steeled and steadfast she almost sounded like the flinty heiress who could not be gainsaid. I wished I could do something to help her, but I was in the crumbling prison of my own body, and I couldn’t even call out to her.

It went on forever. I wished I could see the clock, but my vision
was shaking as my eyes rolled, and couldn’t focus on anything. Then, as suddenly as it had started, it stopped. I felt as if I’d been switched off. The first thing I did was open my mind. ‘
Rose.’

Rose sighed with pained relief and released my head. ‘Oh, Otto.’ She sagged with weariness.

I didn’t want her out of my mind. I groped for her, with hands that seemed weak as a baby’s, and finally found
contact with her again. ‘
Don’t let go!’
I told her.

‘I’m here,’ she said.

I reached for her, pulling her back to me. ‘
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry to put you through this.’

‘It’s not your fault.’ She trembled. ‘One minute, forty-seven seconds, give or take a few. You should be okay.’

‘No,’ I whispered. I wasn’t.

‘What’s wrong?’

I couldn’t hold it back. I wished I could. But this was Rose. ‘
I’m
scared!’
The words were a soundless scream of rage and fear that I couldn’t control. And I
was
scared. I felt like a child after a nightmare, a victim of an attack. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to stand tall and say I was ready for anything. But I knew what death was – or I thought I did – and I did not want to go there again!

Rose reached for me, wrapping herself around me like a cloak. ‘Oh,
Otto.’

‘I don’t want to die,’ I whispered to her. I felt like a fool to be confessing this to her, but I couldn’t stop it. I felt naked and helpless. ‘I don’t, I don’t. Rose. Help me!’

She smoothed my hair from my face, leaned forward and kissed me. It was sweet, and so heartfelt. Her mouth tasted of salt. I realized she was crying for me. Tenderly, gently, she lay me back on the bed and kissed
me, my throat, my jaw, her breath hot and moist against my skin. Oh, yes. Yes,
please.

The fear died under her touch. There was nothing but her. For a few blissful moments, it was perfect. Then the old familiar guilt began to creep through her. She ignored it, at first. As it grew stronger she rejected it, kissing me fiercely until it almost caused her physical pain. There was an ache in her
chest, a brutal, intense guilt, and it was gnawing at her. Until she couldn’t take it any longer. With a cry of frustration she pulled away from me again, panting with escaping tears. ‘God
damn
it!’

I reached for her, pulling her hand back to me. ‘
It’s okay. Just hold me.’

‘It is not okay!’ she told me fiercely. ‘Do you hear me? This is
not
okay!’

‘
Rose, it’s just you. You and me and him, and
none of it is fair, and I know that. Just come back to me.’
I closed my eyes, feeling vulnerable in the darkness. ‘
I don’t want to be alone.’

Rose stared at me in the dim light. The images I had just sent her – herself, myself and him, all at once. With a sudden pounce she threw herself on me, staring deep into my eyes. ‘Take it,’ she said.

I didn’t want to know what she meant.

‘Just take it!’
she said. ‘Do whatever it takes, take all of it. I don’t care!’ And she started pouring images into my head – herself as a little girl, no more than nine, reading stories to him. Playing board games in her huge closet, her stasis tube looming, a malignant refrigerator behind him. Illicitly picking flowers together in the garden at Unicorn Estates. How he fell in love with her, a slow, gradual
blossoming, as his own childish devotion developed harder edges of lust. And the final break, as they fell into each other, tender evenings with her maid quietly pretending not to be in the next room. Heated moments in the grass in the garden. Every hot, passionate moment she could think of, bestowing them on me like kisses, as if she could throw them away to make room for me.

I wouldn’t do that
to her. I wasn’t that cruel. Instead, Xavier came back, wormed his way inside the memories and folded her into my arms.

She had no idea who I really was as I pressed her gently against the bed. She wasn’t really trying to pretend that I was him, but she had half forgotten I was me. All she cared about was just doing what it took to ignore the sharp-toothed briars of pain, guilt and confusion.
Every single concept of identity had melted, and I was quite content to let it do so. I had no desire to be me. I did not
want
to feel so frightened. I did
not
want to be dying. The only thing I knew for sure was that I wanted
her
. Beneath the salt taste of her translucent skin, the soft heat of her body, and the rainbows of her mind, we let absolutely everything fade quietly away.

None of us had slept well, and we were all bleary eyed and monosyllabic at the Norway Chalet’s gourmet breakfast. Breakfast on Europa consisted of a good portion of processed plankton. The differences lay only in the levels of processing and the quality of the flavour additives. The villagers Quin and I had seen the day before would have been eating theirs plain and only slightly processed,
mixed with water as a gruel or soup, or with a little salt and baked into cakes atop their heating units. The plankton cakes that were served alongside the powdered eggs Benedict at the Norway Chalet had been processed down to nothing but a powder, heavily mixed with wheat and butter flavouring, and dusted with actual sugar. The morning coffee was flavoured plankton as well, as was the hot
cocoa.

Rose could hardly swallow it. She said it all tasted false and syrupy. My initial impulse was that it tasted fine to me, though not particularly impressive. Rose was right – it did taste false – but then, so did most commercial soft drinks and candies. Then I remembered; Rose rarely ate anything that wasn’t completely organic. Her stomach was sensitive enough without trying to make it
digest chemicals and preservatives. She must have eaten less than half a cup of food that morning. Had she eaten anything the day before? I knew she’d been sick. I hadn’t seen her eating. I hoped she’d had a good dinner while I was out, but, knowing Rose, I somewhat doubted it. ‘
You should eat,’
I signed to her.

‘It’s making me sick,’ Rose said.

I wasn’t up to arguing with her. My head was throbbing
with pain. I didn’t know if it was just the illness’ natural progression, or if it was a reaction from the seizure, or, perhaps, from the mental and physical overstimulation which had followed. Rose had told them I’d had a seizure, but that it had seemed to be within the safety range that Dr Svarog had spelled out. The general consensus was that they needed to get me to the
Minos
as soon as possible.

‘Unfortunately, that’s not going to be possible,’ Xavier said when he came in to breakfast. ‘The village has been closed off. No one is allowed out until they find the perpetrators of the attack.’ He was pale and slow, and a clean white bandage graced his throat. Looking at him made me feel even sicker.

‘But what about Otto?’ Quin demanded. ‘He needs to start treatment. He’s been getting worse
by the hour.’

‘He is not,’ said Rose.

‘Settle down!’ Xavier said sternly.

‘But what if they don’t figure out who did it?’ Quin asked. ‘Is the slaughter of a bunch of freedom fighters worth watching my brother die?’

‘Freedom fighters?’ Rose asked. ‘More like murderers. Look what they did to Xavier!’

‘If I was in their position, he’d look like a viable target to me.’

Rose went white. ‘Shut
up!’

I leaned my head on my hand, covering my eyes, and let them fight it out above me. It always seemed as if someone else made my decisions for me.
(I thought that was how you liked it,)
42 whispered.

‘You were never someone else,’
I told her.
‘You were always just another part of me.’

‘All right, stop it,’ Dr Zellwegger said over everyone. ‘No one is talking about mothballing Otto’s treatment,
Quin. This is a delay, but not a severe one. They’ll find who did this – they always do – and then we’ll be on our way. In the meantime, Otto has a work-up scheduled for this morning, and a courier has arrived from the
Minos
. They sent an emergency communicator down to make contact. We still won’t have cell reception anywhere but in the hydrobay, but I’ve made contact with my team on the city
ship, and they’ll be ready when we get there. Captain Jagan and his family have arrived to get the formal reception underway, so when we get to the
Minos
, we won’t have to waste time there.’

‘What’s the point of this stupid reception, anyway?’ Quin asked.

‘There has to be a formal reception of a visiting head of state,’ Rose told him. ‘If there wasn’t, it could spark a war.’

‘Not even UniCorp
would start a war because their grand princess wasn’t greeted by some jag-off and his cronies.’

‘You’d be surprised,’ Xavier said darkly. ‘Besides, Captain Jagan can’t know that. He has to show all hospitality to Rose and myself. His entire authority here supposedly resides only in his affiliation with us. He could declare himself independent of UniCorp, but it would have difficult economic consequences,
as would any of our attempts to shake him from his seat. Politics, even corporate politics, is an intricate dance of polite interactions and tacit approval. Communication is key. The terrorists seek to disrupt that balance, which is why they destroyed the cell tower.’

‘For all the good it did them,’ Dr Zellwegger muttered. ‘I wish they’d do more to educate them up here. The only thing these terrorists
are doing is inconveniencing people, and making themselves seem like animals. They didn’t even manage to kill anyone, and if they had, that wouldn’t have helped them, either. What are they expecting with their bombs?’

‘I think they’re just trying to get attention,’ said Xavier.

‘Well, they’ve got it!’ said Dr Zellwegger. ‘They should clean those tunnels out. You know that’s where the terrorists
hide.’

‘It’s also where they hide the children,’ Quin said loudly. ‘You’re right. Let’s just send cyanide gas through the whole warren. Solve everyone’s problem.’

‘Quin!’ Rose said.

‘Can you not recognize sarcasm when you hear it, Fitzroy?’ Quin snapped.

Rose’s cheeks were red. ‘I’m sure Ted didn’t mean that.’

‘Why not?’ Quin asked. ‘That’s how UniCorp thinks, right? Something’s not working
out?’ His look passed to Xavier. ‘Cut your losses and move on.’

Xavier actually smiled condescendingly.

‘Anyway,’ Quin went on. ‘If I was a terrorist, I’d consider having you two and the Jagans all in one place a perfect opportunity. They’ve got you exactly where they want you.’

‘Which is why we’ve increased security,’ Xavier said. ‘Captain Jagan is insistent on meeting with us, as scheduled,
this afternoon. His own circumstances depend on it. If he were not to take on an authoritative role over us while we visited the moon, one of the other city-ship captains might take on the mantle, and that would shake his position. Captain Jagan will be bringing his own security force with him, I understand, and I have no doubt that they will be most effective.’ He glanced nervously at Rose at
that point, but I was the only one who noticed it. ‘Captain Jagan’s icebreaker will be here this evening, just at sundown.’

‘You mean lights out,’ Quin quipped.

‘Yes,’ Xavier said. ‘We will meet him formally in the hydrobay, and return here to change, and then proceed to a formal reception and ball in the train station. Security forces will be patrolling the streets and completely surround this
hotel, the hydrobay, and the train station. In any case, they will likely have found the terrorists by then. This is a small community.’

‘They’ll have found
someone
by then,’ Quin muttered. ‘Who says it’ll be the right ones?’

I was too tired to play referee. I went to my medical work-up – I did not ask what it said, and they did not volunteer information. Then I went out to the lobby and fell
asleep on the couch. My head was splitting.
(You’ve got too many people in here,)
42 said, but I brushed her off. As Xavier, I didn’t want anything to do with her.

It was Rose who woke me to take me to the dock after ‘nightfall’. A security guard stood behind her, but otherwise we were alone. ‘The others have already left,’ she said kneeling by the sofa. ‘I wanted to let you sleep. You don’t
look so good.’

‘
I feel fine,’
I told her, stroking her cheek. It was a lie – my head still hurt – but it wasn’t as bad as it had been that morning.
‘Just stay with me.’

She touched the side of my throat, concern seeping through her. ‘I have a handful of your meds, here. Then we have to go.’

I swallowed pills and dragged myself up and out into the evening of the Crystal Village.

The place
really was scintillating at night. Lights glimmered and glistened through a thousand facets of ice. The over-bright day lamps in the ceiling had been dimmed to a bluish shimmer, and false ice-sculpted trees sparkled like it was Christmas in downtown ComUnity.

Rose looked stunning, with her white coat and her blonde hair, leading me through the sparkling fairy lights. There was a gentle music
coming from a corner café. It was a shame, really. If this place hadn’t been built on a lie, it might have been rather nice. ‘
Stop,’
I sent, squeezing her hand. ‘
There’s no need to rush it. We’ve got time.’

The terror she felt as I said that was palpable. I pulled her to me. ‘Hey,’ I whispered. ‘What is it?’

Time, time, always time. Time was Rose’s enemy. It was always rushing off without her,
ticking away until she felt she could never catch up. I sighed and kissed her throat, trying to calm her mind as I did. My head was still aching, so it was a trick to do. ‘I know,’ I breathed into her ear. ‘That’s why I’m trying to enjoy what I’ve got.’ I twirled her away from me to the music and then pulled her close, until we were dancing under the lights. A sudden gust of sparkle made us gasp,
and we looked up. An ice machine had just gone off, sending a cascade of tiny ice crystals through the air. I’d noticed these machines on the way through the village before. They had seemed a silly, unrealistic reference to the snows of Earth. Now seen in the glittering night lights, it was clear this was how they were meant to be enjoyed. I pulled Rose to me again, and now our dance was under
the gently falling frozen fires of ice. I kissed her tenderly and then stood back to gaze at her, holding her thin, chill hands. Oh, yes. This was how I wanted to remember her. Backlit and glorious and surrounded by sparkles.

With a sudden gasp, Rose snatched her hands out of my grip. I turned to see what had distracted her, but I’d already guessed. The frisson of horrified guilt I’d felt just
before she let go had been a pretty good indicator.

Xavier stood in the light pooling from the café. He stared at us, his face completely unreadable. For a long moment, time was as frozen as the ice beneath our feet. Him and her, and me between them. Finally, Xavier blinked, breaking the spell. ‘We’d better hurry. We’ll be late.’

His voice was very quiet.

He turned his back to us and headed
towards the docks without another word. Rose stared after him for a moment, trembling, her face white. She opened her mouth as if to say something to me, shaking her head slightly. But she couldn’t find the words. She broke then, running after him like an abandoned puppy.

My head sank. By the time I looked up again, she was walking beside him. Neither of them was speaking. I looked away to try
and compose myself, only to find myself looking at a knot of teenaged Europan kids – wealthy from the colours of their garb – staring at me from the door of the café. ‘Is that really him?’ ‘Go talk to him!’

I wanted every one of them to melt into the ice. Instead, I raised my hand to them in what could have been interpreted as a friendly greeting and followed after Xavier and Rose.

I didn’t
catch up to them until we were at the hydrobay. The hydrobay was a large hollowed cavern, lower than the rest of the Crystal Village by a good two hundred metres. There were treacherous-looking stairs down to it carved into the ice, but an open lift had been made ready for us, rather like the elevator down to the village proper. It was lit by its own central sun-light, dimmed to an eerie blue by
the supposed ‘night’. It was an awesome sight seen from the top of the lift. Half the bay was open water, kept free of ice by a rim of machines that agitated the water at all times. The rest of the bay was a chasm of icicles of all sizes, as the ionized water dripped and froze from the ceiling and walls. It echoed worse than the village had.

In the centre of the bay floated Captain Jagan’s icebreaker.
The icebreakers were strange, drill-shaped submarines, equipped to break through the occasional surprise patches of ice that sometimes formed in the lower ocean. It looked vaguely like a narwhal. I wondered how intentional that was – the oceanic equivalent of the UniCorp unicorn.

A rather sizeable crowd had gathered at the side of the hydrobay, and they cheered as Rose and I exited the lift.
Rose glanced at them nervously, and Xavier gestured to them with his chin. ‘They’ve all been vetted and searched,’ he told her. ‘And as you can see, we’re not lacking in security.’ The security guard which had been standing behind us had joined a contingent of at least thirty, who ringed a perimeter with lethal-looking charge guns, stumble sticks at their hips in case those failed. Something looked
odd about some of these security guards. Most of them stood in braces of two, backing each other up, occasionally making eye-contact with each other, us, or a member of the crowd. But a half a dozen each stood alone, weapons at the ready, with cold, dead eyes in neutral faces.

When I realized what they were, I hoped Rose wouldn’t notice them.

Quin and Dr Zellwegger were already waiting. As we
approached them, a middle-aged man in ceremonial uniform came up to us. ‘Mr Zellwegger, Dr Zellwegger. Miss Fitzroy,’ he said, with a deep bow. ‘
Nameste.
’

‘
Nameste,’
Rose replied, though I could see she was blushing.

‘And you,’ he said, gazing at Quin and myself. He gave us no greeting, and Quin offered none. He took a deep breath and shook himself, turning back to Xavier. ‘The captain and his
family will disembark shortly to greet you. If you’ll wait on the carpet we have indicated, you can receive them there.’

‘That should be sufficient,’ Xavier said.

‘There is a full contingent of security,’ he added. ‘And a turma of Plastines have been reassigned to personnel protection. I trust that’s in order?’

‘As Captain Jagan sees fit,’ Xavier said.

Rose went white. ‘Plastines?’

Xavier
took her hand. ‘Colony laws,’ he said. ‘Plastines are common here. Can you do this?’