No More Mr. Nice Guy! (2 page)

Bill

Bill is the person to whom everyone turns when they need something. The word "no" just isn't in his vocabulary. He fixes cars for women at his church. He coaches his son's little league baseball team. His buddies call on him when they need help moving. He looks after his widowed mother every evening after work. Even though it makes him feel good to give to others, he never seems to get as much as he gives.

Gary

Gary's wife has frequent rage attacks in which she verbally shames and demeans him. Because he is afraid of conflict and doesn't want to rock the boat, Gary will avoid bringing up subjects that he knows might make his wife angry. After a fight, he is always the first one to apologize. He cannot recall his wife ever saying she was sorry for any of her behaviors. In spite of the constant conflict, Gary says he loves his wife and would do anything to please her.

Rick

Rick, a gay man in his early forties, is in a committed relationship with an alcoholic. Rick came to counseling to help his partner Jay with his drinking problem. Rick complains that it always feels as if it is up to him to hold everything together. His hope is that if he can help Jay get sober, he will finally have the kind of relationship he has always wanted.

Lyle

Lyle, a devout Christian, tries to do everything right. He teaches Sunday school and is an elder in his church. Nevertheless, he has struggled since adolescence with an addiction to pornography. Lyle masturbates compulsively, often three to four times a day. He spends hours every day looking at sexually explicit websites on the internet. He is terrified that if anyone ever finds out the truth about his sexual compulsions, his life will be destroyed. He tries to control his problem with prayer and Bible study, although neither of these approaches has done much good.

Jose

Jose, a business consultant in his late thirties, has spent the last five years in a relationship with a woman he considers needy and dependent. Jose began thinking about breaking up the day she first moved in. He is afraid that his girlfriend wouldn't be able to make it on her own if he left her. Although he has made several aborted attempts to break up, his girlfriend always becomes such an "emotional basket case" that he gets back together with her. Jose spends just about every waking moment trying to figure out how to get out of the relationship without hurting his girlfriend or looking like a jerk.

Who Are These Men?

Though all of these men are unique, each shares a common life script:
They all believe that if they are

"good" and do everything "right," they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life.

This attempt to be good typically involves trying to eliminate or hide certain things about themselves (their mistakes, needs, emotions) and become what they believe others want them to be (generous, helpful, peaceful, etc.).

I call these men
Nice Guys
.

Up to now we haven't paid much attention to the Nice Guy, but he is everywhere.

He is the relative who lets his wife run the show.

He is the buddy who will do anything for anybody, but whose own life seems to be in shambles.

He is the guy who frustrates his wife or girlfriend because he is so afraid of conflict that nothing ever gets resolved.

He is the boss who tells one person what they want to hear, then reverses himself to please someone else.

He is the man who lets people walk all over him because he doesn't want to rock the boat.

He is the dependable guy at church or the club who will never say "no," but would never tell anyone if they were imposing on him.

He is the man whose life seems so under control, until BOOM, one day he does something to destroy it all.

Characteristics of Nice Guys

Every Nice Guy is unique, but all have a cluster of similar characteristics. These traits are the result of a script, often formed in childhood, that guides their lives. While other men may have one or two of these traits, Nice Guys seem to possess a significant number.

Nice Guys are givers
. Nice Guys frequently state that it makes them feel good to give to others. These men believe their generosity is a sign of how good they are and will make other people love and appreciate them.

Nice Guys fix and caretake
. If a person has a problem, has a need, is angry, depressed or sad, Nice Guys will frequently attempt to solve or fix the situation (usually without being asked).

Nice Guys seek approval from others
. A universal trait of the Nice Guy Syndrome is the seeking of validation from others. Everything a Nice Guy does or says is at some level calculated to gain someone's approval or avoid disapproval. This is especially true in their relationships with women.

Nice Guys avoid conflict
. Nice Guys seek to keep their world smooth. To do this, they avoid doing things that might rock the boat or upset anyone.

Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes
. These men are afraid that others will get mad at them, shame them, or leave them if some mistake or shortcoming is exposed.

Nice Guys seek the "right" way to do things
. Nice Guys believe there is a key to having a happy, problem-free life. They are convinced that if they can only figure out the right way to do everything, nothing should ever go wrong.

Nice Guys repress their feelings
. Nice Guys tend to analyze rather than feel. They may see feelings as a waste of time and energy. They frequently try to keep their feelings on an even keel.

Nice Guys often try to be different from their fathers
. Many Nice Guys report having unavailable, absent, passive, angry, philandering, or alcoholic fathers. It is not unusual for these men to make a decision at some point in their lives to try to be 180 degrees different from Dad.

Nice Guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men.
Due to their childhood conditioning, many Nice Guys have few male friends. Nice Guys frequently seek the approval of women and convince themselves they are different from other men. They like to believe that they are not selfish, angry, or abusive — traits they link to "other" men.

Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority
. These men often feel that it is selfish to put their needs first. They believe it is a virtue to put others' needs ahead of their own.

Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center.
Many Nice Guys report that they are only happy if their partner is happy. Therefore they will often focus tremendous energy on their intimate relationships.

What's Wrong With Being A Nice Guy?

We might be tempted to minimize the problem of the Nice Guy Syndrome. After all, how can being nice be such a bad thing? We might even chuckle at the Marvin Milquetoast behaviors of these men as portrayed in comic strips and television sitcoms. Since men already represent an easy target in our culture, the caricature of a sensitive guy might be an object of amusement rather than concern.

Nice Guys themselves frequently have a difficult time grasping the depth and seriousness of their beliefs and behaviors. When I begin working with these passively pleasing men, almost without exception, they all ask, "What is wrong with being a Nice Guy?" Having picked up this book and puzzled over the title, you may be wondering the same thing.

By giving these men the label Nice Guy, I'm not so much referring to their actual behavior, but to their core belief system about themselves and the world around them. These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are "nice," they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a smooth life.

The term Nice Guy is actually a misnomer because Nice Guys are often anything but nice. Here are some Not-So-Nice Traits of Nice Guys:

Nice Guys are dishonest
. These men hide their mistakes, avoid conflict, say what they think people want to hear, and repress their feelings. These traits make Nice Guys fundamentally dishonest.

Nice Guys are secretive.
Because they are so driven to seek approval, Nice Guys will hide anything that they believe might upset anyone. The Nice Guy motto is, "If at first you don't succeed, hide the evidence."

Nice Guys are compartmentalized.
Nice Guys are adept at harmonizing contradictory pieces of information about themselves by separating them into individual compartments in their minds.

Therefore, a married man can create his own definition of fidelity which allows him to deny that he had an affair with his secretary (or intern) because he never put his penis in her vagina.

Nice Guys are manipulative
. Nice Guys tend to have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want in clear and direct ways. This creates a sense of powerlessness.

Therefore, they frequently resort to manipulation when trying to get their needs met.

Nice Guys are controlling
. A major priority for Nice Guys is keeping their world smooth. This creates a constant need to try to control the people and things around them.

Nice Guys
give to get
. Though Nice Guys tend to be generous givers, their giving often has unconscious and unspoken strings attached. They want to be appreciated, they want some kind of reciprocation, they want someone to stop being angry at them, etc. Nice Guys often report feeling frustrated or resentful as a result of giving so much while seemingly getting so little in return.

Nice Guys are passive-aggressive
. Nice Guys tend to express their frustration and resentment in indirect, roundabout, and not so nice ways. This includes being unavailable, forgetting, being late, not following through, not being able to get an erection, climaxing too quickly, and repeating the same annoying behaviors even when they have promised to never do them again.

Nice Guys are full of rage
. Though Nice Guys frequently deny ever getting angry, a lifetime of frustration and resentment creates a pressure cooker of repressed rage deep inside these men. This rage tends to erupt at some of the most unexpected and seemingly inappropriate times.

Nice Guys are addictive
. Addictive behavior serves the purpose of relieving stress, altering moods, or medicating pain. Since Nice Guys tend to keep so much bottled up inside, it has to come out somewhere.

One of the most common addictive behaviors for Nice Guys is sexual compulsiveness.

Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries
. Many Nice Guys have a hard time saying "no," "stop,"

or "I'm going to." They often feel like helpless victims and see the other person as the cause of the problems they are experiencing.

Nice Guys are frequently isolated
. Though Nice Guys desire to be liked and loved, their behaviors actually make it difficult for people to get very close to them.

Nice Guys are often attracted to people and situations that need fixing.
This behavior is often the result of the Nice Guy's childhood conditioning, his need to look good, or his quest for approval.

Unfortunately, this tendency pretty much guarantees that Nice Guys will spend most of their time putting out fires and managing crises.

Nice Guys frequently have problems in intimate relationships.
Though Nice Guys often put tremendous emphasis on this part of their lives, their intimate relationships are frequently a source of struggle and frustration. For example:

● Nice Guys are often terrible listeners because they are too busy trying to figure out how to defend themselves or fix the other person's problem.

● Because of their fear of conflict, they are frequently dishonest and are rarely available to work all the way through a problem.

● It is not unusual for Nice Guys to form relationships with partners whom they believe to be

"projects" or "diamonds in the rough." When these projects don't polish up as expected, Nice Guys tend to blame their partner for standing in the way of their happiness.

Nice Guys have issues with sexuality
. Though most Nice Guys deny having problems with sex, I have yet to meet one who isn't either dissatisfied with his sex life, has a sexual dysfunction (can't get or maintain an erection, climaxes too quickly), or has sexually acted out (through affairs, prostitution, pornography, compulsive masturbation, etc.).

Nice Guys are usually only relatively successful
. The majority of Nice Guys I've met have been talented, intelligent, and moderately successful. Almost without exception though, they fail to live up to their full potential.

"But He Seemed Like Such A Nice Guy"

It is not unusual for unsuspecting people to mistake the passive, pleasing, and generous characteristics of a Nice Guy for those of a healthy male. Many women have told me that upon initially meeting these men, they believed the same to be true. Because he seemed different from other men they had been with, the Nice Guy seemed like a real catch.

Unfortunately, the negative traits listed above find a way to ooze out into Nice Guys' lives and personal relationships. As a result,
these men tend to swing back and forth between being nice and not-so-nice.
I have listened to countless wives, partners and girlfriends describe the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde qualities of Nice Guys:

"He can be really wonderful and he can also hurt me deeply. He'll do all the extra little things like picking up the kids and fixing dinner when I have to put in extra hours at work. But then out of the blue, he'll throw a tantrum about me never being sexually available to him."

"Everyone thinks he is such a great guy and I'm really lucky to have him. But they don't know what he can really be like. He's always helping people out with their car or something else that needs fixing.

When I ask him to do something he tells me that he can never make me happy and that I'm nagging and controlling like his mother."

"He is constantly trying to please me. He will do anything for me except really be there for me. He'll go shopping with me even though I know he doesn't want to. The whole time he will just sulk, which makes me miserable. I wish he would just tell me 'no' sometimes."