No Regrets: A Novel of Love and Lies in World War II England (The Thornton Trilogy Book 1) (12 page)

Giselle returned to
No Regrets
. She kicked the small sign, at the entrance to the cottage, when she walked by and laughed aloud.

“We should change the name of the cottage to ‘
Nothing but
Regrets
,” she murmured to herself. Upon entering, she found Elise sitting in the parlour knitting, while Chloe played nearby on the rug. Giselle sat down and began telling her friend what had taken place. Elise saw the pain on Giselle’s face. Putting her knitting aside, she moved to over her and offered comfort.

“Oh, my poor, dear Giselle. Obviously you made the decision to be honest with Ted. I think it was the right choice, but I know how hard it had to have been. What exactly was his reaction?”

“He was shocked. Appallingly so. His face lost all colour. He didn’t say much of anything – just asked me to give him time to think it through. The last thing he said was that I was a beautiful creature.”

“Well, I’d say that’s encouraging. He didn’t go into a rage and verbally attack you for what you’d divulged. Obviously, he didn’t say it was all over. So perhaps there’s still hope.”

“I really don’t think so, Elise. He doesn’t want to be cruel, and he’s probably thinking of the best way to tell me that our relationship has come to an end. I don’t blame him. It’s my fault. What sends me into the depths of depression is the realization of how hopeless my future is. What am I supposed to do? Go on trusting that I’ll meet another nice chap, fall in love with him, tell the truth and be rejected again? Or should I spend the rest of my life lying? Everything seems so futile.”

“I know, Giselle. But give Ted time. What you told him is an awful lot to take in. Anyone would want time to think. If you end up losing him, then he wasn’t the understanding chap you thought he was. That doesn’t mean someone else won’t be. But, let’s give Ted a chance. Wait and see.”

“I suppose you’re right,” answered Giselle. “I just feel like crawling under the covers and never coming out again. I’m going to my room. Please don’t bother me unless it’s terribly important.” Giselle walked up the stairway, with her head hung low.

“All right, Giselle. Perhaps that’s the best thing for now. I’m going to take Chloe to the park for a bit. Do have a lie-down, and try to rest. You may still be surprised at the outcome.”

An entire day and night went by, and there was no word from Ted. Giselle couldn’t stand the silence anymore, and she rang the Inn where he was staying. She wanted to confirm whether or not he was still there, or if he’d returned to RAF Ashford. As she’d expected, he was no longer registered. He’d checked out that morning. Giselle lay back down on the bed and sobbed until she thought she would die. So, she’d been right. He’d probably write a letter. It would be easier for him that way. She already knew what it would say. Giselle walked to her dressing table, picked up the ring box, and threw it across the room. She would have to give it back to him, but would ask Elise to do it. She wasn’t about to trek to the post office with swollen eyes, so everyone could see her heartbreak.

Finally, she bathed and dressed. She decided to take a long walk. She had a need for fresh air and thought it might help to clear her mind. Giselle ambled toward the High Street. It was chilly outside, so she’d worn a coat and a snug scarf. She’d left the cottage without even saying goodbye to Elise. It was Sunday, and she hadn’t attended church. She was so downhearted, that she didn’t even feel guilt about that. She walked over the cobblestoned streets and dusty lanes of Thornton-on-Sea, thinking about how much she loved Ted. Men like him didn’t pop up every day. Giselle had never met anyone like him. She wished with all of her heart that she’d continued to lie. He never would have known. All of her dreams of a new life in America would have become reality. She had certainly learned the value of truth. There was none – absolutely none. After more than two hours of walking, she found herself back at the old pier, where she and Ted had said their last goodbyes. She hadn’t meant to end up there, but that’s where Giselle’s heart led her. Once again, she began to weep. Sitting in the same spot where she and Ted had so recently been, Giselle fell apart. The pain was unbearable. If this was what love did to a person, she never wanted any part of it again.

She heard footsteps. Glancing around to see who it was, Giselle could scarcely believe her eyes. It was Ted. What in the world was he doing here? What did he want? Did she even care what he had to say? Giselle wasn’t certain she could listen to his words. Ted slowly walked toward her and, without saying anything, he sat down in the same spot he’d been before. She raised her head and looked at him cautiously. At last, she spoke.

“If you’ve come to tell me everything is over, don’t bother. I expected that. I told you before, I don’t blame you. I don’t want to go over everything again. I was stupid. I made terrible mistakes. I’m paying for them now. I’ll pay for the rest of my life. Please, just leave me. I’m sorry for everything.”

“Giselle, that isn’t why I’ve come. I told you I needed time to think. That’s all I’ve done since I last saw you. I want you to listen carefully to what I have to say. I probably should have contacted you sooner, but you have to admit that what you told me was a bit overwhelming. I’ve thought everything through carefully. You know how I am. I think deeply about important matters. Nothing in my life has ever been more important than this. Will you listen?”

“Yes, of course,” she sighed.

“Giselle, at first I thought there was no way I could accept what you’d told me. It appalled me. But, then I began to think about myself – about society in general – about men in general. You know, from the time boys aren’t even men, a lot of them have ‘sown their wild oats’, as is commonly said. In fact, it’s expected. Men are supposed to be experienced when they marry. At university, it’s a wonderful joke. If a fellow is innocent, and not yet initiated into love-making, all of his friends set to work trying to remedy that. You told me yourself that a large number of your clients in Paris were young men doing the Grand Tour. As the English say, it’s the ‘done thing’.”

“Society doesn’t address that sort of behavior. No woman would ever think of asking her fiancé if he’d had experience before marriage. Nor would she be upset if he had. After all, men are supposed to know how to perform on the wedding night. But god help a woman who has experience. That’s an entirely different thing. Yet for centuries that’s the way it’s been. To tell the truth, Giselle, I would bet I’ve had more experience than you’ve ever thought about. I’m being honest. So, I think that would justify
you
being repulsed by me. Additionally, I’ve never been in a position where I needed to engage in that sort of behavior because I needed money, or because no one taught me properly. I have no excuse, except that it was expected of me. At least there were reasons behind your actions. So, I’m asking
you
to forgive
me
. I’ve learned from this incident. If I ever have a son, I’ll teach him right from wrong. If he wants to behave as his father did, then he needs to accept that the woman he chooses to marry has the same rights. I see us as equals – perhaps I’m even more wicked than you, from a ‘sin’ standpoint. I never want us to speak of this again. I want you to put my ring on your finger, and wear it until the end of this war. Then we’ll decide whether we want to marry here, or in America. I’ll leave that to you. I love you, Giselle, and I’ve been wrong. Tell me you’ll marry me and that you still love me.”

Giselle was dumbfounded. Never. Never in a thousand years had she expected such clear, sensible, fair thinking. The idea of men versus women, in terms of intimate experience, hadn’t crossed her mind. But it
did
make sense. She sat on the pier, stunned beyond words. Finally she gathered herself together.

“Ted, I love you so much. You’re the kindest, most understanding, man I’ve ever known. There aren’t ten men in the world who’d see this from your perspective. I’m so fortunate. But – and please, listen to what I have to say. I’ve been thinking too, during our time apart. I had no idea you’d be this understanding. I was prepared to lose you. In the midst of thinking about that, I came to realize that it would probably be for the best. Not because the idea of losing you doesn’t break my heart. It does. But, in the long run, I suspect we’d be unhappy together. When I think beyond the present dilemma, and look into the future, I can see that it wouldn’t work. You come from a wealthy background. You’ve attended the finest schools and have everything in the world to offer me. I, on the other hand, have nothing to offer you.”

“That’s not true, Giselle. You have love to offer me.”

“Perhaps, Ted. But, you see, I don’t feel like that’s enough. A hundred other women could offer you love. I think I’d always feel as though you were doing all of the giving, and I was doing all of the taking. We aren’t equals. I know, I know. You just said a minute ago that we
are
equals. And, yes, on the subject of experience with the opposite sex, perhaps you’re correct. I’m talking about broader issues. I don’t think I’d ever feel worthy of you. My self-esteem has always been good, in spite of the bad choices I’ve made. I’m afraid I’ll lose my self-confidence. You see, I simply can’t believe you
really
need me. How could you? In the end, we’d tear each other apart, Ted. Go back to America, and find a girl who shares your background. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever said or done. But, I know I’m right.”

“Giselle, you can’t be serious. You can’t be. How can you say you love me and, in the same breath, want to end everything?”

“It isn’t that I
want
to end everything. I’ll probably kick myself a thousand times for what I’m doing. But, a voice inside of me says that it’s the wisest thing to do. I’d end up being unhappy, because I’d feel unfit. It would eat away at me. I should have realized that before now.”

“Will you please think about it? Don’t make such an impulsive decision, without serious thought. I won’t harangue you. I’ll give you time. The war isn’t over, and I’ll be here for quite a while yet. Take some time to be alone. We won’t see each other. But, don’t say it’s all over. Not yet.”

Giselle sighed. “All right, Ted. I’ll do as you ask. But, I don’t think I’ll change my mind. I hope time apart doesn’t make me so lonely for you that I will change my mind, and decide to marry you, when, in my heart, I know it would be a mistake. Love doesn’t really conquer all, Ted.”

“I believe it can and will. But, as I said, I won’t press you. I won’t even write to you. Go ahead. See other men. Do whatever you want. Just remember, I’m still going to be in England, and, before I leave, we’ll see each other again.”

Tears were streaming down her face. “Thank you, Ted. Thank you for understanding. I truly believe that someday you’ll realize I was right.”

“I don’t agree. I’ll never agree. We’ll wait to see who’s right and who’s wrong.

He stood, and put his hand out. She grabbed hold of it, and together they walked back to the shoreline. “Thank you for telling me the truth about your past. You wouldn’t have needed to, you know. No one would ever have known, he said.

“I would have known, Ted.”

***

Sloan continued operations from India, Egypt, and Burma. He longed for the green fields of home and wondered if he’d ever see England again. The Allies suffered some setbacks, but overall there was optimism that the fight would finally be won. He continued corresponding with Anne and, in one letter, asked openly if she’d told her family of their broken engagement. He’d never asked that question before.

Anne wrote back with news that sent him over-the-moon. She said she’d not told anyone of their broken engagement, other than a friend. Then she went on to tell him about a French girl named Elise, who had been living at Thornton-on-Sea
for nearly two years. She explained that Elise’s friend, Giselle Dupris, worked as a lady’s maid for his mother at
Highcroft Hall.
Apparently, through Giselle, Anne had become well acquainted with Elise. She’d learned that Elise was the farm girl whose home he’d visited in May, 1940. Sloan couldn’t believe it when Anne wrote that she’d told Elise about her lifetime friendship with Sloan, as well as their engagement and its subsequent ending. As to whether Elise seemed at all attracted to him, she couldn’t tell. Another bit of shocking news was that Elise was a widow and had a child, born in England in 1941. There was no mention in Anne’s letter of the talk she and Elise had shared, when Anne had learned the truth about so much of Elise’s background. Anne was holding that information close to the vest, for use in her campaign to destroy Sloan’s fascination with the French girl.

Sloan was perplexed. Elise had made no mention of a husband, or fiancé, when they’d met. In fact, the only person she’d mentioned was her brother, Josef. He thought back and couldn’t figure how she might have married, become pregnant, escaped from Dunkirk and delivered a baby, all in such short order. Unless she was already married and pregnant at the time they met, it didn’t add up. Perhaps she
had
been married and even pregnant. There was no reason she’d have told him everything about herself. She probably didn’t trust him, and why should she have? It didn’t lower his estimation of her. In fact his admiration grew, as he thought about the courage it must have taken for a pregnant girl to take a chance on fleeing France. It was truly miraculous that she was now in Thornton-on-Sea, and that her friend worked for his parents. Anne also said that she took French lessons from Elise and that Elise didn’t like to talk about her past. All of this information only served to make Sloan believe that his first inclination had been spot-on. God had placed her in a location where they were bound to see one another again! He was somewhat surprised that Anne had been so open about everything. He supposed she’d felt it necessary, because sooner or later, God willing, he’d come home and learn the truth. He was pleased that Anne had met Elise. It was wonderful that they liked each other. It made him all the more anxious to get back to Thornton-on-Sea
.
He answered Anne’s letter, thanking her for telling him everything. He said he didn’t care whether she hadn’t told his, or her, parents about the engagement having ended. He understood why it was his responsibility. Sloan also promised never to speak to Elise about her past.