No Such Thing as a Lost Cause (33 page)

And then I lost it completely.

“C’mon, Angel. Let’s go home.”

*****

At noon the following day, Fran, Janine, Carla, John and I sat in the comfort of a
cushy, red leather booth at my brother’s club, tossing back Rolling Rocks while I
recounted the evening’s events. Okay, technically, I wasn’t “tossing” so much as sipping
my beer through a straw. My mouth was still pretty sore from where Torch had hammered
on me. I guess I didn’t have much to complain about, considering what I’d done to
him, but still…

I’d gotten about three hours of sleep and was running on empty. First, I’d had to
give my statement to the cops, and then there was the overnight stop at the hospital
after Nick almost hacked up a lung on the way back to his car.

“I’m okay, Darlin’,” he’d insisted.

“Humor me.” I was consumed with guilt over the fact that if Nick hadn’t come looking
for me when he did, he never would’ve been put in such danger. “Please.”

In the end he let me drive him to Jefferson where he was greeted with a hero’s welcome
and a private room. As if his looks alone wouldn’t have warranted such treatment,
the on-duty nurses had seen the news footage of his dramatic rescue of Sherese’s son
and flocked to his bedside to offer aid and comfort.

Unfortunately for them, I was occupying the other half of the single bed.

“You need to go,” instructed Nurse Terri DuCote.

“Make me.”

Nick squeezed my hand. It could have been a sign of affection or a sign for me to
shut up. I preferred to think it was the former. He turned to the nurse with a disarming
smile. “There’s really no arguing with her. She’ll just sneak back in, in the middle
of the night, so do you think you could make an exception, just this once?”

Nurse DuCote blushed and returned the smile. She looked back at me and nodded. “Personally,
I wouldn’t leave him, either, honey.”

Nick fell asleep quickly, but it was fitful. Just as I began to doze off he jerked
awake, calling my name. When I asked him about it in the morning, he said he didn’t
remember. And, for the first time since I’d known him, I got the feeling he wasn’t
telling me the entire truth.

While I waited for Nick to sign his release papers, I checked my voicemail. There
were 34 messages, including one from WINN. Something about an exclusive in exchange
for giving me my old job back. For the next fifteen minutes I tried to come up with
creative ways to tell them to go screw themselves. I settled for
I’ll get back to you.
It might not have been the most personally satisfying response, but as my dad always
says, it doesn’t pay to burn bridges.

Nick’s car was still at Sherese’s, so I offered to drop him off there.

“You broke out in a sweat just saying the words, Darlin.’ I don’t think you’re up
for a return visit just yet. I’ll ask Alphonso to pick it up for me.”

Instead, I took him back to his apartment. I pulled into the loading zone and cut
the engine.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked. “Do you want me to go upstairs with you?”

“I’m absolutely fine. I’ve got a meeting scheduled for this afternoon, but I should
be finished by six. If you’re not busy, why don’t you come over?”

“Okay.” I was quiet for a minute, my thoughts going to the exact place I had forbidden
them to go.
Stupid thoughts.

“What’s wrong, Angel?”

“I was so scared, Nick. I really believed I was going to die. Not just die, but that
it would…you know…really, really hurt.”

Nick unbuckled my seat belt and brought me onto his lap. I leaned my head against
his chest and listened to the beating of his heart. It calmed me.

“But here’s the thing,” I added, because I desperately needed him to understand. “As
scared as I was for myself, it was nothing compared to how scared I was for you.”

“You don’t have to be afraid anymore, Angel.” He looked on the verge of saying more
but changed his mind. With great tenderness, he swept the bangs from my eyes and kissed
me on the forehead. “I’ll see you at six.”

Paul walked over to the table with a tray full of sliders and French fries. Daisy
trotted alongside him and hopped up onto the booth and squeezed her furry little self
in between Carla and me. She sat happily awaiting a slider.

John cast an eye at the puppy and then to Paul. “Hey, isn’t this a health code violation?”

“No,” he said, and set a slider down in front of Daisy. Maybe my mother was right.
This looked like love to me.

Carla put the mini burger on a plate and cut it up into bits for the puppy’s consumption.
Daisy waited politely until she was through and then ate it all in one giant slurp.

John made a face. “Am I the only one grossed out by this?”

The rest of us looked at each other. “By what?”

He shrugged and picked up a burger.

“We’d almost finished our meal when DiCarlo showed up. Judging by the dark circles
under his eyes he’d logged about as little sleep as I had. We all slid over to make
room for him in the booth.

“You look like hell,” he told me.

“Thanks. That’s the look I was going for. And just for the record, you don’t look
so hot, yourself.”

“Not funny, Alexander. You could’ve been killed.”

Carla reached behind me and cuffed Bobby on the back of the head.

“Ow. What was that for?”

“We’re celebrating here. So, unless you have something positive to contribute, go
find Frankie. He’s in the back room playing pool.”

Bobby reached over and snagged a burger. “Then, I guess you don’t want to hear my
news.”

We turned a collective eye on him. “Did the police find Torch?” I asked.

“Yeah. He hadn’t gotten very far. He was about five miles west of Sherese’s house
when they picked him up. He’d hit a telephone pole and was passed out in the front
seat of his car. He’s in pretty rough shape. Third degree burns over most of his face
and hands, but he’ll live.”

I did what I had to do, I reminded myself.

Carla gave me a sympathetic pat on the knee.

“The good news,” Bobby continued, “is that Harwinton sang like a bird. He confirmed
your theory about Stoller, by the way. They picked him up at the docks early this
morning. Surprise, surprise, traces of cocaine were found on his dogs’ noses.”

“His dogs snort cocaine?” Janine blurted out.

“It’s how he kept them from finding drugs on the ship. By numbing their noses.” DiCarlo
turned to me, his expression half admiring, half incredulous. “You had it figured
right all along. I don’t know if you’re the smartest person I know or the luckiest.”

I suspected it was a little of one and a whole damn lot of the other, but I wasn’t
going to think too hard on it. I was just happy that the nightmare was over, and things
would finally go back to normal.

*****

Apparently, I spoke too soon.

My hands were full of take-out; Mexican, Indian, Italian, and your classic American
fare, so I leaned against Nick’s security gate and rang the bell with my shoulder.
Earlier, I’d tried to get a hold of him to see what he wanted for dinner, but he didn’t
pick up the phone. So, I got a bit of everything.

I wanted the evening to be perfect. Janine said she’d keep Rocky and Adrian for me
one more night. She did my hair and make-up—well, as much as I’d let her, and gave
me full run of her wardrobe. I chose a pale pink tee shirt dress that came down to
my ankles.

Janine wrinkled her nose. “You look like a giant penis. Here, let me do this.” She
whipped through her closet and pulled out a shimmering, black, micro-mini dress with
strategically placed cut outs on the front.

With great reluctance I put it on. “Great. Now I look like a street walker.”

Janine stood back with a satisfied smile. “My work here is done.”

Nick answered on the third ring. “Come on up, Angel. I was just about to hop in the
shower. I’ll leave the door unlocked. Just let yourself in.”

Nick was still in the bathroom when I got to the apartment. I set the bags down on
the counter and took out the containers. Then, I started thinking about Nick, naked,
and I decided to wait for him in his bedroom, in case he was hungry for something
besides dinner.

A large, black duffle bag sat half open on his bed.
Hmm…
I peeked inside and found a pile of neatly folded clothes; jeans, sweats, fatigues
and dress shirts. Next to the bag lay two beautifully tailored suits, a sports jacket
and a couple of expensive ties.

Suits…fatigues…WTF?

“Hi there.”

I jumped a mile. “I wasn’t looking in your bag.”

Shit. Why’d I say that?
My hand was still stuck inside the damn thing.

Nick walked over to the bed and grabbed some jeans from the top of the pile. He was
naked, alright, but even that temptation didn’t do it for me. Staring at his duffle
bag, I was out of the mood.

“Going somewhere?” I asked.

“I’m afraid I am, Darlin.’ I’m leaving, tomorrow.”

“How long will you be gone?” My mouth felt like cotton and the words sounded dull
in my ears.

“Hard to say. Maybe a month.”

“Can I ask where you’re going, or what you’ll be doing? Or is that strictly need to
know?” The sharpness of my tone surprised even me.

“What’s wrong, Angel?”

“Nothing.”

Nick settled in next to me on the bed. “You’re upset because I have to leave.”

“I’m upset because you’re choosing to leave. Why now, Nick? After all we just went
through, why do you have to leave now?”

I wanted to shut up. Told myself to, in fact. Quite sternly. But the words just kept
coming. “We almost died last night. That’s a major event in my world. I thought maybe
we’d take a half a minute to appreciate being together. But, instead, you’re off and
running to God only knows where for God only knows what. At least I hope God knows
because you’re sure as hell not confiding in me.”

His voice was infuriatingly calm. “It’s the work, Angel. You’re making it personal.”

“Because it is personal. And you do it every time. It’s a pattern with us. I get myself
into a mess, you bail me out and then you disappear. I don’t blame you for leaving.
Taking care of me is exhausting.”

“That’s not it.”

“Then, what is?”

Santiago leaned forward and extracted a hand rolled cigarette out of a wooden box
on his night stand. He put it to his lips, thought better of it and stowed it back
in the box again. Staring at me with unwavering eyes, he spoke slowly and deliberately.

“Look around, Angel. You and I are the only two living things in my apartment. I live
this way by design. I can’t commit to a person, a dog, or a cat, or even a houseplant.
I’m sorry, but I can’t be who you want me to be.”

Suddenly, I felt sick to my stomach. I tried to interrupt to tell him to forget it.
We could go on pretending that we could make it work, because I loved him that much,
but he wouldn’t let me.

“I care about you, Brandy Alexander. More than I ever thought I could and definitely
more than I should. But it doesn’t change who I am, and, somewhere down the line,
I was bound to disappoint you.”

It would have been a great kiss-off speech, except that I wasn’t really listening,
because, at that moment, something caught my eye. It was the tiny silver cross that
dangled from his right ear.
The cross that once belonged to his mother.
Oh, my God. How clueless can I be?

I slid off the bed and stood eye level to him. He started to rise, but I placed my
hands on his chest and shoved him back down. “It’s my turn.”

That got his attention.

“Y’know what, Nick? I’m sure you believe every word of what you just said, but none
of it’s relevant, because I’ve finally figured out what the real problem is.”

“Okay, I’ll bite. What do you think the real problem is?”

“It’s not your job that keeps you from being able to commit. It’s fear.”

“Interesting theory, Darlin’. Fear of what?”

“Me.”

He actually cracked a small smile at that. “Brandy, I’m sorry, but you’re not that
scary.”

“Yeah? Well, here’s the thing. You know I’m not the most introspective person in the
world. I feel what I feel, and then I stuff it down with a Hershey bar so that it
doesn’t interfere with my life. I’m not saying it’s the best way to manage my emotions,
but it makes it a hell of a lot easier to recognize when someone else is doing it.”

“Angel, is it possible that you’re attributing emotions to me that I just don’t have?”

“No. It’s not. Those feelings are there. They may be covered up by twenty years worth
of scar tissue, but they’re there.”

I paused, letting my words sink in. “Nick, you loved your mother more than anyone
else in the world, but you couldn’t keep her safe. So now, your entire life is about
keeping people at a distance so that you don’t get hurt again.”

“Brandy—”

“I’m not finished. Look, you’ve given me so much. You accept me, you clean up after
me, you love me. But you won’t commit to me. Not fully, anyway. Because you’re afraid
one day you won’t be there to keep me safe, and you’re going to lose me. So you blame
it on your job, or act like you’re just not that guy. You don’t
do
commitment.”

“Look, Angel—”

“Still not finished. The funny thing is you once said that I wanted a guarantee that
we’d have a future together, and you couldn’t give me one. Turns out you’re the one
who wants a guarantee. And I wish I could give it to you. Only, I don’t have that
kind of power.”

I waited a beat, but he didn’t say anything. “Okay, now, I’m finished.”

Nick cut his eyes to the wooden box, and I could tell he was dying to grab a smoke.
Instead, he grabbed me around the waist and pulled me close, and pressed his cheek
against the exposed skin on my belly. I wrapped my arms around him and blocked out
everything but the rise and fall of his breath.

After a few minutes, Nick broke the silence. “So, where do we go from here?”