No Wings to Fly (28 page)

The minutes passed as the train chuffed its rackety way through the rain-wet countryside. First would be Killenshaw, then on through Corster – where she and Joel had set eyes upon one another – then further on to Vineleigh, and after that, Hanborough.

She sat there while the stations came and went, and the passengers alighted and boarded. Inside her gloves she could feel her palms damp, and a dampness too upon her brow beneath the crown of her hat. Then at last the train was slowing once more, as it pulled into Hanborough station. She picked up her bag and umbrella and got to her feet. The train was running alongside the platform now. She turned towards the door, looking out of the window to where people stood, waiting to climb on board.

And there he was.

He was standing about halfway along the platform, a leather case in one hand, his newspaper in the other, his anxious glance sweeping the length of the incoming train. And in the seconds after Lily had caught sight of him his gaze lighted upon her, and a look of relief and joy washed over his face.

Lily kept her eyes on him as he turned and began to stride along the platform while the train came to a halt. Another moment and she was opening the door, and even as it swung open, Joel was moving towards her. She stepped down onto the weathered boards, and the next second he was there, one hand reaching out to help her.

They stood there while the other travellers came and went around them.

‘So,’ Joel said, ‘you’re here.’

‘Yes – I’m here.’

‘I had no idea,’ he said, ‘whether you understood what I was trying to say to you – while we were on the train – but you did.’

‘Thanks to a kind lady in the carriage with me,’ Lily said. ‘Were it not for her, I’d still be on the way to Sherrell.’ On the periphery of her vision she was aware of the guard moving purposefully with his flag. Then a whistle blew. The train began to move out, its speed gathering as smoke and steam billowed into the autumn air. The guard moved away across the platform, took up a broom and began to sweep. Lily and Joel remained facing one another.

‘Well,’ Joel said, ‘can we go somewhere and talk?’

‘Yes. Of course.’

Together they headed across the platform to the exit, and emerged onto the street.

The station was situated on the outskirts of the small town. A tavern stood on the corner across the road from the
station, and on the opposite side a coffee house. Joel gestured towards the latter, and they stepped into the road and made their way across.

The coffee house was small, but looked comfortable. Lily followed Joel inside and they took a table by a window that looked out onto the busy Station Road. The only other patrons were a pair of middle-aged women who sat on the far side of the room. As Joel set down his case, hat and newspaper he asked Lily what she would like to drink, and she replied that she would have tea. A young waitress came to them, took their order and went away again. The room was quiet, almost the only sounds being the rumble of carriages from the road outside.

After moments of silence had passed between them, Joel said, ‘Where were you heading for, Lily?’

‘To Sherrell. And you?’

‘Here to Hanborough. On business for the company.’

‘I hope this isn’t putting you out.’

‘No, not at all.’

He leant back a fraction on his seat and took her in with a little nod of approval. ‘Well – I have to say you’re looking very well, Lily,’ he said. ‘Is life being good to you? I hope so.’

‘Yes,’ she murmured, ‘things – things are going fairly well.’

‘I’m glad to hear it.’ He added a moment later, ‘It’s grand to see you.’

She answered with a faint smile, ‘And to see
you
again, Joel.’

‘You’re going to be a bit late getting to Sherrell now,’ he said. ‘I hope you didn’t have an urgent engagement.’

‘No. I’m living there now – staying in lodgings.’

‘I see. So you moved away from home again – from Compton Wells.’

‘Yes.’ She nodded. ‘I – I didn’t stay there long.’

‘I see.’ A long moment, then he asked, ‘Did you get my letter, from Cambridge?’

‘Yes.’ She could not meet his gaze, but looked down at her hands as she peeled off her gloves. ‘It was forwarded on from Whitton.’

‘I wondered.’ He gave a grave smile. ‘But you decided not to answer it.’ When she said nothing he gave a sigh and a little shrug. ‘Ah, well . . .’ Then he added, glancing at her bare left hand, ‘I can’t help noticing that you’re still Miss Clair. You’re not wearing any wedding or engagement ring.’

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘no,’ and lowered her gaze again.

He smiled. ‘I thought perhaps you might be married by now. That maybe you went back to Compton and met some young admirer from your earlier days.’

She frowned. ‘No. There’s – no one.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mean to be flippant.’ Then he added after a moment, ‘I – I’ve thought of you – so much.’

She wanted to say, Yes, and
I
have thought of
you
, but she did not speak.

The brief silence was ended with the arrival of the young waitress with her laden tray. When she had gone away again, Lily, glad of the distraction, stirred the contents of the teapot, giving all her attention to the mundane action. When the tea was poured, she passed a cup to Joel, then sipped from her own. All the while she could still feel his eyes upon her.

‘Why did you do that, Lily?’ he said after a moment. ‘Why did you end it like that? Had I done something so dreadful that you could write as you did?’

She did not answer, but looked down into her cup.

‘I was shocked,’ he said, ‘and bewildered. I couldn’t understand what was happening. When you wrote your letter you didn’t even include an address. All I knew was that you were writing from Compton Wells. So I had to
write to you at Whitton, and just hope that it would be forwarded. And I waited, hoping you’d write back – perhaps saying that it was all a mistake, that you’d had second thoughts – but there was no word. As the time went on I thought I’d never see you again.’

Lily said nothing. She could hardly remember now the words she had written; she could only recall her turmoil at the time that had driven her to write.

‘When I didn’t hear from you, I didn’t know what to do,’ Joel said. ‘So on my first chance, coming back from Cambridge, I went to the house – the Haskins’ house in Whitton, and asked after you. I saw her, the lady – Mrs Haskin, I suppose it was. She confirmed that you’d gone, but wouldn’t tell me anything else. I got very short shrift, I’m afraid, so I was none the wiser.’ He paused. ‘What did I do to you, Lily – that you should write to me as you did? Tell me. I thought, truly, that you were coming to care for me, and I know I wasn’t mistaken. But then you wrote ending it all, saying we could have no future together, that we were worlds apart. But that wasn’t true. We
did
have a future. I
know
we did. Did you have another reason for writing as you did? Was it me? It must have been.’

She could not keep her silence at this. ‘Oh, no!’ she breathed. ‘Oh, no, it wasn’t you at all.’

‘Then, what?’

After a moment she turned her face to him. ‘Please – I can’t talk of that time, not just now.’ She shook her head. ‘Please – don’t ask me.’

He sat frowning, gazing at her with a look of puzzlement, then after a moment he said with a nod, ‘Whatever you say. I’ve got no right to question you.’ He picked up his teacup, slowly drank from it and set it down again. ‘So,’ he said, adding a deliberate, lighter note to his voice, ‘tell me what’s been happening to you. You say you’re now living in Sherrell.’

‘Yes.’ She was on safer ground here. ‘I’m lodging on Aspen Lane with a Miss Balfour. She’s an ex-headmistress of a school in Shalford. She’s been very kind to me, and has helped me enormously.’ She paused, then added with a faint touch of pride in her voice, ‘And today I got a position as governess.’

‘You’re to be a
governess!
’ He beamed at her. ‘Oh, that’s wonderful news. I know how much you’ve wanted to teach. That’s splendid.’

‘Yes!’ Her joy sounded in her tone. ‘I’ve been to Little Patten just today, for an interview. A lawyer and his wife – Mr and Mrs Acland – they have two children. I’m to start my duties in a fortnight. I found lodgings there too, just a little distance from the house.’

‘Oh, indeed that is grand, Lily.’ Joel lightly slapped the tabletop with his palm. ‘I’m very happy for you.’

‘Thank you. But I couldn’t have got it without the help of Miss Balfour. I owe her so much.’ She paused. ‘Anyway – what about you? Have you finished at Cambridge?’

He nodded. ‘Yes, I finished this past summer. I’m working for a firm in Corster now. Not for that long, though. I shall be going to work for my father soon, but he wants me to have a little more experience out in the world first. So I’m working with a law firm that my father has employed for many years. They’re well established.’

‘Are you happy there? Do you enjoy it?’

‘Oh, very much. It’s hard work, but it’s fascinating. There’s never a dull moment.’

‘Good. Good. Your family – are they all well?’

He lowered his glance. ‘My brother, Crispin – he – he died.’ His voice cracked on the last words, and Lily could see that tears were not that far from his eyes.

‘Oh – Joel,’ she breathed, ‘I’m so dreadfully sorry to hear that.’

He sat with lips compressed, as if not trusting himself to
speak. Then after a few moments he said, ‘He caught pneumonia. Just last winter. We were amazed. A young man, going like that. My father – it all but destroyed him. And my mother. I don’t think they’ll ever get over it.’

‘Joel . . .’ Lily struggled to find words. ‘I’m so sorry, so very sorry.’

‘Thank you.’ He said nothing more for a few moments, but sat looking down into his cup. A few other patrons came into the room and took seats at nearby tables. Joel drew a deep breath, then raised his head and smiled. ‘We mustn’t dwell on sad things,’ he said. ‘What about your family? How is your brother Tom? Do you hear from him?’

‘Well,’ she said, ‘he writes only rarely. He’s in Halls Haven, working on a farm there. He’s only ever happy being outdoors. He’d go mad cooped up in an office.’ She drank again. ‘What is the time? I can’t stay too late.’

Joel took out his watch. ‘It’s quarter-to-five.’

‘I shall have to go soon,’ she said. ‘Miss Balfour will be wondering what’s keeping me.’

‘
I’m
keeping you,’ he said. He smiled, and then his smile faded and his expression became grave once more. ‘Oh, Lily,’ he said, ‘I’ve thought about you so much.’

His words, out of the blue, took her completely by surprise. ‘Oh – Joel . . .’

‘I mean it,’ he said. ‘I haven’t changed at all. Not in the way I feel. I’ve never wanted anyone but you.’

For a moment her breath was held. She realised that it was all she wanted to hear – but she must say nothing. So far she had managed to remain on relatively safe ground, but here the going was perilous and she would have to watch her step.

Joel was looking at her with an intense expression, his eyes fixed on her own. ‘No, I don’t want anyone but you.’ He gave a sad little shake of his head. ‘But maybe that’s my tragedy.’

She could not look at him, but kept her eyes lowered to her hands as they lay clenched together on the edge of the table.

‘I think I’ve loved you since the day I first met you,’ he said. ‘When I went into that office and found you with your basket and the book you’d found on the park bench.’ Now he smiled, and she could hear it in his voice. ‘I’d never met any girl like you, Lily, and I never have since.’ Leaning forward, he reached across the table and laid his broad palm upon her upper hand. ‘You must know I love you. I don’t think that could ever change.’

She sat there, feeling the touch of his hand on hers. Her mind was in a whirl, and she was already in over her head.

‘Do you believe me?’ he said.

Her nod was barely there. ‘Yes,’ she murmured.

‘Well, it’s true.’ He gave an ironic smile. ‘I thought I’d learnt quite a bit over those years before we met, you know. Like all young men of my age, I thought I had it all worked out. I thought I knew it all.’ He paused. ‘But I didn’t. I didn’t know anything about love, Lily. Because I didn’t know about you.’

After a few moments he withdrew his hand, and sat back. Gazing steadily at her, he asked, ‘I wonder – how you feel about me, Lily.’

‘Oh . . .’ She hardly trusted herself to speak.

‘You told me just now there’s no one else in your life. That is the truth, is it?’

She gave the shadow of a nod. ‘Yes.’

He smiled. ‘Ah, that makes me so happy. And now – being with you here, when I thought I would never see you again . . .’ He shook his head. ‘We’ve been brought together in the strangest way, and now that I’ve found you again – I’d rather not let you go.’

She sat in silence. She could never have dreamt of hearing such sweet words.

He went on: ‘I’m twenty-four now, Lily, and I’m doing well. I’m getting experience in the law business and I’m also spending time at the stores in Corster and Bath. Now that Crispin has gone my father’s going to expect a lot more of me, and it won’t be that long before I leave the law firm and devote all my time to the stores, here and in France, and –’ He broke off, frowning. ‘You told me, Lily, that we’re oceans apart, and that we can have no future, but you must not believe that. You cannot – because you’re
wrong
.’

She sat in silence.

‘I tell you now,’ he said, ‘
I
have a good future before me, and it’s you I want to share it with. No one else but you.’ He gave a little shake of his head. ‘Oh, Lily, you can’t imagine the torment I went through today. When I turned in my seat on the train and saw you – saw you in the other train, separated from me by just a couple of windows – well – I didn’t know what to do. Then I got off here at Hanborough and began to wait on the platform – hoping you’d understood my message and would turn up on the next train coming in. But I had no idea how you felt about me. You might not have wanted to see me again. Then – then you were there – and I knew you cared. I knew, even after all you’d said in your letter, that you cared.’