Nobody’s Hero (17 page)

Chapter Twenty-Three

After meeting Mrs. Greene, Danny got it. Between the ice-bitch mother and the attack on Carson, he understood why Brad was afraid. He understood the rules Brad had in place, the separation between in-public and in-private dating. He understood, but trying to make Brad happy was starting to make him miserable.

It was like dating two different people. No, not dating. When they were in public, at work or during one of the rare times he’d convinced Brad to do something in town, they might as well have been coworkers and nothing more. No touching. No flirting. No PDA, no matter how casual.

In the privacy of Brad’s apartment, it was a whole different story. They could cuddle. They could touch. They could flirt and play.

Brad was pushing him back into the closet, a closet he’d never accepted in the first place. The closet may have been a garage apartment with used furniture and a sexy boyfriend, but it was still a closet.

The night before, they’d gone to a movie. One of those high-action, low-plot blockbusters.

Brad kept an open seat between them.

Toby had texted him about another party. He’d even included Brad in the invite.

Brad refused to go. He hadn’t cared if Danny went, but he didn’t want to be around so many people.

Brad was a bit of a loner, but he didn’t seem to dislike people in general. What Brad meant, Danny was sure, was he didn’t want to be seen by so many people
with Danny.

When Danny was eight, he was the only one in his class not to get invited to Dustin Hollister’s birthday party. When he asked why, Dustin told him his parents didn’t want some dirty Mexican brat in their house. It was the first time he’d ever felt different, as though he was somehow less. This thing with Brad kind of felt the same way.

The whole thing had him tied up in knots. Which was why he was awake at six on a Saturday morning instead of dead to the world in his bed, like any normal guy would be.

Sitting at the kitchen table, he stared out the window to the staircase leading to Brad’s apartment.

“
Buenos días
,
mi hijo.
” Mamá shuffled in, rested her hands on his shoulders and kissed the top of his head, the same as she had done since he was a toddler.

“Morning, Mamá.” He covered her hands with his, holding her there a little longer than usual.

When he let go, she sat in the chair next to him. “Why are you awake so early?”

He shrugged. “Couldn’t sleep.”

She gave him one of her mom looks, the one that said she wasn’t buying it.

“You like Brad, right?”

“I do, yes. And you do too. What has you so sad?”

“Not sad. Not really. Just...conflicted.”

She patted his hand. “Tell me. I’ll make
chilaquiles
.” She stood and walked to the refrigerator then started hauling ingredients out.

Chilaquiles
was the ultimate in breakfast comfort food. Man, his
mamá
was awesome.

“Here’s the deal. Brad’s been through a lot. You saw his mother, right? She’s just a part of the crap he’s had to deal with. It’s left him with a few hang-ups.”

While she cooked, he told her about their dates and his concerns. “After everything he’s been through, I know he needs time. I want to be understanding and give him what he needs.”

“What about what you need?” Mamá slid a plate in front of him.

“I want him. When we’re alone, he’s amazing. And he’s doing so much better than he was. I think he’ll get past this eventually.”

Mamá poured herself a cup of coffee and sat. Her eyes were serious.

He took a bite of the
chilaquiles
but the familiar combination of eggs and enchilada sauce tasted like cardboard. “I really like him, Mamá. Maybe I’m pushing for too much, too fast. I’m sure things will improve with a little more time.”

She patted his knee. “I like Brad, but you are
mi niño
. It is good you want to help him, to be what he needs, but it is not so good if being what he needs means hiding who you are.”

He pushed his plate away. Mamá was probably right. She usually was. Unfortunately, he still didn’t have a clue what to do about Brad.

* * *

Danny dropped onto Brad’s bed, tucking his legs underneath him. “I’ve got tickets.”

Brad looked up from the laundry he was putting away. This had become the Saturday routine. He did his laundry in the morning and Danny would drop by to make plans for the day.

“Tickets?” He added a stack of T-shirts to the shelf in the armoire.

“Tickets. There’s an a cappella group at St. Olaf tonight. They’re supposed to be pretty amazing.”

“St. Olaf? Aren’t they the enemy?”

“Only during football season. Toby and his girlfriend are going. We could do like a double-date thing.”

He shut the armoire door harder than he meant to. “You didn’t tell Toby, did you?”

Danny rolled his eyes. “I didn’t have to. He knows I’m gay and assumes we’re dating. It’s no big deal.”

“You can’t know that.”

“I do know that. He’s my friend. Obviously he doesn’t give a shit.”

“But he’s not the only one who’ll be there, right? If it looks like a double date people will assume, and not everyone will feel the same way.”

Danny closed his eyes, clearly frustrated. “You’re saying you don’t want to go.”

“Why don’t you go without me? It sounds like it should be fun, and you can hang out with your friends.”

“I want to hang out with my friends
and
my boyfriend. I like them. I like you. I think you’ll like each other. You can’t keep to yourself forever. You need friends.”

“Why? Friends didn’t do me any good when Carson was hurt and they found out I was gay. Where were my friends then? I’ll tell you where. They bailed. Just like everyone else.” He swept his arm out, knocking the half-empty laundry basket onto the floor.

“Did they bail? Or did you?”

“Excuse me?” He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Danny.

“Did you even give them a chance to be there for you? You lied to them, hid from them. Then, when things went to hell, you were immediately shipped off to military school. When were they supposed to show their support? Did you try calling them? Emailing them? Getting in touch with them at all? Or did you assume they’d be as bad as your fucked-up family?” Danny stood, mirroring Brad’s stance.

“If they’d wanted to, they could have found a way to get in touch.” But could they have? Would his parents have shared the info if someone asked for it? Probably not.

Danny didn’t say anything, but the weight of the silence had Brad popping his knuckles. “Look.” He bent to pick up the basket, taking a second to figure out the right words. “It doesn’t matter now, anyway. None of it has anything to do with us, with this.”

“It does. And I’m worried you don’t see it.” Danny sat on the bed again, resting his elbows on his knees. “I don’t know if I can keep doing this.”

Knees suddenly weak, Brad sat hard on the floor. It took three tries before he could get the words out. “You want to break up?” Where had this come from? They’d been doing great, hadn’t they? Everything seemed to be moving smoothly. For the first time in a long time, he’d been happy.

“God, no. I don’t want to, but this is killing me.”

“What do you mean?” He clutched a towel to his aching chest.

“Do you like me?”

“Of course I do.”

“What do you like about me?”

Looking into those dark, serious eyes, he knew Danny wasn’t looking for compliments. “You are the most cheerful, outgoing person I’ve ever met. I love your confidence, how you know who you are and you don’t apologize for it.”

Danny took a deep breath. “Sometimes you make me feel like I should apologize for who I am.”

If he hadn’t been sitting, Brad would have fallen over in shock.

Danny continued, “It’s like we only have a relationship when we’re here.” He gestured around them. “Anywhere else, I have to watch what I do, watch what I say. It’s like you want me to be someone I’m not, like you’re ashamed to be with me.”

“That’s not it.” He tried to touch Danny’s knee, to reassure him, but Danny pulled his leg away. He pushed the hurt away. “You know why—”

“I do know. And I didn’t think it would be a big deal, but I can’t keep living this way. I want to touch you, flirt with you, whether in this room or out there.” He pointed to the door. “It’s who I am. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who wants me to be someone else.”

Brad swallowed back the lump in his throat. “I don’t know if I can do that.”

Danny nodded, face sad. “I know.” He got up and walked out the door.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Brad ran.

He ran until sweat drenched his body and plastered his hair to his head. He ran until his heart was ready to burst and his muscles burned. And still he ran.

He couldn’t believe Danny had walked away from him.

Danny knew what he’d gone through; he’d understood. Or so Brad had thought. He should have stayed away, kept his distance, as he’d intended. But no, Danny and his crooked-tooth smile and charming personality had wormed his way into Brad’s life. It had taken Danny less than two weeks to dump him.

He should have known better.

He turned down a street leading to the river. When he got back to the apartment he’d go online and find a place to sublet for the rest of the summer. Someone had to have a bed or a couch, or even a sleeping bag he could rent for a few weeks. If that didn’t work out, there was always his pickup and the parking lot of the Flying J. The only way to avoid the awkwardness that would undoubtedly suffocate him at the jobsite was to avoid Danny altogether. He might even have to quit.

Avoidance is just another form of running away.

Danny’s words echoed in his head.

His foot slipped on a rock and he almost fell on his face. Only his windmilling arms kept him upright. He slowed and made his way to a wooden bench facing the river. He dropped onto the bench, clutching his side.

Damn it. He was doing it again. Running away.

He braced his elbows on his knees, resting his head in his hands. He was so tired of running.

“
Sometimes you make me feel like I should apologize for who I am.
”

Remembering the words was as much a punch to the gut as it was when Danny had said it. Who did stuff like that? Who made his boyfriend feel like he should apologize for who he was?

Was there any way to salvage the mess he’d made?

Could he stay?

Danny wanted a real relationship, one that included public dates and group activities. It wasn’t a lot to ask. At least not for normal people. But could Brad do it? Could he get beyond his fear and step out of his protective walls?

He didn’t know.

He imagined going to an a cappella concert with Danny and another couple. On a real date, with no pretenses.

His stomach jumped.

What if he couldn’t be the kind of boyfriend Danny wanted? What if he tried and nothing changed? Danny deserved someone proud to be seen with him, not someone who wanted to hide from the world.

If Brad left, Danny could find someone better.

Oh
,
hell no.

The violence of his reaction surprised him. And told him he wouldn’t be going anywhere, not right away.

Danny deserved someone better, so Brad would go back and try to be that someone better. Assuming, of course, Danny was willing to give him another chance.

* * *

Danny knew he wasn’t alone the second he opened his eyes. After leaving Brad’s apartment he’d holed up in his bedroom. He didn’t normally nap—whenever he did, he woke up grumpy and more tired than when he’d fallen asleep. This was no exception.

Brad sat on his bedroom floor, back against the dresser, arms resting on his upraised knees. “Hey,” he said.

“Hey.” Danny sat up. “What are you doing in here?”

“I wanted to talk to you, but then you were sleeping. I was going to come back later, but well, I decided to wait.”

“So you sat there and watched me sleep? A little stalkerish, isn’t it?”

Brad shrugged.

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and raked his fingers through his hair. This wasn’t a good time to see Brad. He might change his mind, back down, if he had to see that lost look in Brad’s eyes. “How long did it take for you to pack up your stuff?”

“I didn’t,” Brad said, but Danny had seen the guilty flinch.

“No? Why not? That’s what you do, isn’t it? When things get tough, you run?”

“I don’t want to run.”

Danny arched his brow at Brad’s running clothes.

“Fine, I didn’t want to run
away.
”

He stood and walked to his closet to slip on a pair of flip-flops. “What did you want, Brad? I’ve got to go to... I’ve got to go.” Somewhere. Anywhere else. He needed to do something besides sit and stare at Brad.

There was a long pause, then Brad said, “Never apologize.”

“I didn’t intend to.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

Brad shook his head. “No, I mean, never apologize for who you are. You are amazing. If I
ever
made you feel like you needed to apologize for who you are, then I’m the one who’s sorry. So sorry.”

Danny swallowed hard. He wouldn’t look at Brad, though. He needed a minute to organize his scattered thoughts.

“I want to try.”

Danny turned around. Brad was serious. He watched Danny with a determined expression. Only the cracking of his knuckles gave away how nervous he was.

Danny sat back on his bed. “You want to try?”

Brad got up and sat next to him. “Look, I know I’ve been a little neurotic about everything. And I know you understand why. I didn’t recognize what it was doing to you, and that’s on me. I don’t have any excuses and I don’t deserve another chance. But I’m asking for one anyway.” He reached down and grabbed Danny’s hand. “Please, Danny? Can we try again?”

Danny pulled his hand back, forcing himself to ignore the pained look on Brad’s face. “Brad, you have to know I want to. But the problem—the cause—of your issues still exists. You can’t change years of habits overnight.”

“I know.” He licked his lips and swallowed. “I looked at the student health services information for Carleton. When school starts, I’ll make an appointment to see someone. Maybe they can help me figure out a way to move forward.”

Danny closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “That’s good. Great. But you need to do it for you, not because you think it’s what I want you to do.”

“I get that. And I do want it for me. I may not have done anything about it if I hadn’t realized what I’ve been missing out on—but I definitely want it for me.”

They sat in silence for a moment.

“I can’t promise not to pull away sometimes, but I can promise to try,” Brad said in a rush, as though he needed to fill the silence. “And I give you full permission to call me out on it if I do.”

He wanted to say yes, but he had to be sure. “You’ll go do things with me in public? With my friends?”

“I will.” With a self-deprecating smile, Brad added, “Though I might ask that we take it kind of slow. But, to prove I mean it, if the offer is still open, I’d love to go to the concert with you tonight.”

Who was he kidding? Of course he was going to say yes. “Okay. We’ll try again.”

Brad leaned in to Danny, resting his head on Danny’s shoulder. “Thank you,” he whispered.

Danny waited a minute, then asked, “Dude, did we just DTR version two point oh?”

Chuckling, Brad wrapped his arms around Danny’s waist. “Only you.”

He lay down, bringing Danny with him until they both stretched across his twin bed. They would make it work. Danny would make sure of it.