Nobody's Perfect (35 page)

"Which one will you use?"

"That's not anything you need to be concerned with. You just need to focus on your breathing, on where I touch your body, on what I'm saying to you, and on what you're feeling.
¿Comprende?
"

Was he freaking serious? Why had she agreed to try this? "I don't think…"

"I don't want you to think. I want you to focus on me. Submit to me."

"I can't surrender."

"I haven't asked you to surrender, Savi."

She definitely heard the unspoken "yet." How long before he would demand more than she could give?

Chapter Thirteen

Savi was tired of letting the past control her. She needed to try this. Maybe Damián could help.

"The session I have in mind, Savi, will help you reconnect with your body. Today, I want you merely to submit that iron will to me. Accept what I am going to do to your body, knowing I will push you up to your limits, without going beyond them. If you do reach a limit before I recognize it, you have your safeword."

She nodded. "Okay."

"Is that how you speak to your Top?"

"I'm sorry, Sir." The protocols he had explained and that she'd read in the contract still seemed silly to her, but if she was going to get into this kind of thing, she might as well try to follow the script.

"The complete surrender of your mind isn't required at first, but you will need to let go of that tight leash you place on your feelings."

"I'll try to, Sir."

"Thank you,
bebé
." His hand stroked her upper arm. "What's your safeword, Savi?"

Her lungs constricted.
Here we go.
"Tamale, Sir."

"You understand that I'll be the only one here with you. No one else is going to touch or hurt you without coming through me first.
¿Comprende?
"

"Si, Señor."

He slapped her butt again, but his smile told her he wasn't upset with her smartass response, although her ass did smart a little bit from his slap. He did seem pleased that her mood had lightened. His had, too, but he quickly became serious again.

"Do you trust me enough to proceed with this scene?"

"Yes, Sir."

"I think we should try it blindfolded, but if you can't, you have your safeword."

He heart pounded. "Do I have to be blindfolded?"

He nodded. "It will help you focus more easily on the sensations. So, yes, it would please me if you would allow me to blindfold you."

Only Damián. She was safe.

He held up the mask again. "Ready?"

She took a deep breath. "Yes, Sir. I think so."

The last thing she saw before he placed the mask over her eyes again was his smile, which gave her strength. She could do this, with Damián here beside her.

He pressed a kiss on her cheek. "I'm proud of you, Savi." His words caused an odd sense of warmth to spread throughout her chest and down her oh-so-cold arms and legs.

Darkness.

"Breathe, Savi."

She did.

"That's my brave girl."

Damián. Only Damián. No one else. He will never hurt you.

His hand stroked her back in long, tender touches and the fear receded a bit more.

Damián won't let anything harm me. Damián will protect me.

He reached up and removed the blindfold again. She blinked and met his gaze, confused. He smiled at her.

"You did well, Savita. I wanted to test you to see if you would let me blindfold you again, even though you were afraid."

She'd pleased him, which made her very content within herself. She could do this, with Damián's patient guidance. Savi met his smoldering gaze and something stirred inside her. She glanced down. "Thank you, Sir."

"I'm putting blindfolding on your list of hard limits for now, though, until we can work on it more."

"Thank you, Sir."

"It will be helpful to me to see your eyes. They're the most expressive part of your body, and can help me gauge where you are. So, you'll keep them open and you'll keep your eyes—your focus—on me.
¿Comprende?"

"Yes, Sir."

Damián moved his duffel bag behind her, perhaps so she wouldn't be able to see what he planned to use on her. She heard the clatter of lightweight pieces of wood.

He molded his warm body against her backside and encircled her waist with his arms, although the cross kept him from pulling her body fully against his. After a few moments of simply embracing her, he moved to her side and she felt his erection press against her hip, sending a wave of panic clawing at her chest. He said this wouldn't be about sex. She tried to move her hips away from him, but couldn't budge from the restraints.

"Shhhh. I'm a man, Savi. Touching a beautiful woman excites me, but I'm not going to act on those urges. You're safe with me."

Odd as it seemed, with her in restraints, she did feel safe with him. He'd never done anything to betray her trust. As she relaxed again, his warm, gentle hand stroked the bare skin of her abdomen in long circles, calming her after a time.

Still, she was so numb. She didn't want to be numb anymore.

Anxious to get the scene started, she willed her neck to relax, and her head lolled to the side. Warm lips pressed against the pulse at the side of her neck. His goatee should have tickled her, but she felt nothing.

Numb.

Savi groaned in frustration.

"Breathe, Savita." His warm breath on her ear caused her to open her eyes. Inhaling deeply, she felt something small and hard in his hand pressing against her abdomen. She tried to look down to see what it was, but the collar wouldn't give her that much leeway. Then he removed all doubt as he raised it above her breasts and she saw he held a spring-loaded wooden clothespin. Images of him using it to clamp what for most people would be very sensitive parts of their bodies crossed her mind, but would she even feel it? He'd promised not to play with her genitals, but she hadn't put other sensitive places off-limits, like her nipples. She'd heard the clattering of more than one clothespin in his bag of toys. What did he plan to do with all of them?

With his other hand, he gathered a pinch of skin at her side, near her breast, and squeezed the flesh.

Pinch.

She gasped. While still numb, the clothespin had surprised her. She didn't like surprises.

"Here comes another little pinch." He stood behind her now, and she didn't know where he would attach the next clothespin until he pinched the skin on the opposite side, in about the same place, near her breast. He fastened the wooden pin to her skin. Again, pressure, but no real pain. She felt her skin warming where the clothespins pinched her. He stepped away and she grew cold in the absence of the body heat that had provided so much warmth.

"How are you doing,
mi sueño
?

"Fine…Sir."

"Now, I am going to continue more rapidly so we can move further into the scene. All you need to do is breathe. In…and out." She heard the rattle of more clothespins, and supposed he was stocking up on them.

For the next several minutes, he continued to pinch the clothespins at regular intervals down her sides, alternating from one side to the other and restocking again when he ran out. He must have applied a couple dozen of them by the time he stopped, just above each of her hips. But he wasn't finished yet. The next one was attached to the underside of her arm. She hissed. That one broke through the numbness a little bit, probably because she'd expected him to continue working down her body. He did the same on the other side, but she anticipated that one better and shut down her pain reflex.

"Savi. Stay with me. You don't have permission to zone out."

She remembered the goal here was for her to feel something, but her old habit had helped her survive for so long that the response was automatic now.

"Focus only on your breathing, Savita."

Easy for him to say. He wasn't under attack from so many fronts at once. Again, she forced her attention back to her inhalations and exhalations.

In. Out.

Damián left her side again and she almost gave in to the fear, but gained control as she made herself breathe in a very regulated manner, the way she'd been taught to work through the contractions as she'd prepared for Mari's birth. She focused her mind on each individual breath she drew and released.

In. Out.

Damián's hands stroked her back from her neck to just above her butt, then moved around to her chest, pressing his arms into the clothespins on her sides. She knew the clothespins must be digging into her flesh, but still felt nothing too terribly uncomfortable.

Just numbness and pressure.

"Savi, when it's time, I'm going to remove the clothespins one at a time. Immediately after each one is removed, I want you to attach a memory associated with a negative emotion—fear, anger, rage. You can scream, cry, swear, or do whatever it takes to release that memory and feel that emotion, but you need to do it aloud and immediately. You need to express it loud and clear in order to take away its power over you."

Savi's mouth grew dry. She shook her head. "No, I don't think I can do this. I don't want to think about those things, much less speak them."

Damián came around her and stood before her, demanding that she meet his gaze without saying a word. "You need to let those memories go so they'll no longer control or hurt you. As long as you hold them back, they hold
you
back. Even though you aren't consciously thinking about them now, they have held you hostage your entire adult life, possibly most of your childhood."

"I've repressed much of my childhood."

"Then those will be some of the last memories you'll recall during this scene. It will take them longer to surface. But you will release even the most painful of them."

She groaned. He seemed so certain. She'd didn't even think she could remember them, much less speak about them. "Can I just think them? Don't make me say those horrible things out loud, Sir."

Savi didn't want him to know who she was, what she had been. She'd fought hard to hide that part of herself for years.

He reached out and stroked her cheek. "Speaking them is the best way to lessen their power over you. Otherwise, this will just be an exercise in pain for pain's sake. No value. No learning. No healing."

"But I don't feel pain. I don't feel anything."

Damián chuckled and patted her cheek before withdrawing his hand, leaving her face cold. "Oh, you'll definitely feel something before I'm finished, especially as the last pins are removed. The longer they pinch off the blood supply to your skin, the more you'll feel."

He truly expected her to feel something. He would be terribly disappointed when she didn't react at all. For some reason, the thought of disappointing him bothered her almost as much as remembering those events from her past.

"Be my brave girl?"

"I'm not brave. I'm afraid of everything."

"Bullshit. You aren't afraid of me, are you?"

"You haven't hurt me, Sir. Not yet. Please don't ask this of me."

He placed a kiss on her numb cheek and whispered in her ear, "Savi, do you trust me to know what you need? To know what's best to help you?"

I think so.

Yes.

No!

She groaned again in frustration. How could he demand so much so soon? She'd expected him to start slowly, not force her to remember the horrors of the past, much less speak of them. She'd relegated the most traumatic of those memories to the recesses of her mind long ago, right where she wanted them to stay.

"Trust me, Savi?"

If she didn't try this, she'd always wonder if it might have helped. She needed to try this. She nodded.

"I want to hear you say the words."

"I…trust you, Damián…Sir."

"That's my girl."

He pressed his lips against hers briefly. Her eyes stung. She wanted to feel his lips, but…nothing.

His girl. She wasn't his girl, his dream, his anything. Yet, when he spoke of her like that, some broken, damaged piece of her wished she could be his. The realization that a relationship with Damián could never happen left her feeling surprisingly sad.

"I have restrained your arms and legs, Savita, so that you won't be able to move. It's critical that you remain as still as possible so that I don't miss."

Miss what? What had
she
missed?

"You don't have to worry about doing anything but attaching a memory to each pin as I remove it.
¿Comprende?
"

"Yes, Sir."

Her heart pounded, but he brushed his lips across her ear. "I'm so proud of you."

That unfamiliar warmth spread through her again.

"Now, breathe for me, Savita."

In. Out.

He stepped away, moving behind her. As the time stretched out without contact, she felt her body craving his touch again. More time passed. Silence. Fear surged to the surface. Where had he gone? Her eyes burned, and she blinked them to ease away the sting.

He'd left her once before. Memories of his abandoning her at her father's house surfaced, but she tamped them down. He hadn't known what he'd delivered her to, what was happening in that perfect-looking mansion.

He wouldn't abandon her here. He'd stayed with her all night long in that hotel room, while she'd slept and recovered from her ordeal with the sadists.

Silence.

As the walls began to close in, Savi drew a ragged breath. "Sir? Are you still there?"

Seconds later, he stood in front of her and placed his hands on the sides of her face forcing her to look at him. She nearly hyperventilated as she refilled her lungs in relief.

"Slow, deep breaths, Savi."

She smiled, almost giddy. "Yes, Sir." She'd been ridiculous to think he'd leave her alone again. Why had she assumed the worst about him?

Because people in the past often had let her down.

He brushed his thumbs across her cheeks. "A responsible Dom or Top never leaves a sub or bottom alone when restrained." He placed yet another soft kiss on her cheek, then pulled back. "Look at me, Savi." She raised her gaze, looking into his deep, fathomless brown eyes.