Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, Second Edition @Team LiB (13 page)

I recommend allowing others the opportunity to fully express themselves before turning our attention to solutions or requests for relief. When we proceed too quickly to what people might be requesting, we may not convey our genuine interest in their feelings and needs; instead, they may get the impression that we’re in a hurry to either be free of them or to fix their problem. Furthermore, an initial message is often like the tip of an iceberg; it may be followed by yet unexpressed, but related—and often more powerful—feelings. By maintaining our attention on what’s going on within others, we offer them a chance to fully explore and express their interior selves. We would stem this flow if we were to shift attention too quickly either to their request or to our own desire to express ourselves.

Staying with empathy, we allow speakers to touch deeper levels of themselves.

Suppose a mother comes to us, saying, “My child is impossible. No matter what I tell him to do, he doesn’t listen.” We might reflect her feelings and needs by saying, “It sounds like you’re feeling desperate and would like to find some way of connecting with your son.” Such a paraphrase often encourages a person to look within. If we have accurately reflected her statement, the mother might touch upon other feelings: “Maybe it’s my fault. I’m always yelling at him.” As the listener, we would continue to stay with the feelings and needs being expressed and say, for example, “Are you feeling guilty because you would have liked to have been more understanding of him than you have been at times?” If the mother continues to sense understanding in our reflection, she might move further into her feelings and declare, “I’m just a failure as a mother.” We continue to remain with the feelings and needs being expressed: “So you’re feeling discouraged and want to relate differently to him?” We persist in this manner until the person has exhausted all her feelings surrounding this issue.

We know the speaker has received adequate empathy when a. we sense a release of tension, or b. the flow of words comes to a halt.

What evidence is there that we’ve adequately empathized with the other person? First, when an individual realizes that everything going on within has received full empathic understanding, they will experience a sense of relief. We can become aware of this phenomenon by noticing a corresponding release of tension in our own body. A second even more obvious sign is that the person will stop talking. If we are uncertain as to whether we have stayed long enough in the process, we can always ask, “Is there more that you wanted to say?”

It is impossible for us to give something to another if we don’t have it ourselves. Likewise, if we find ourselves unable or unwilling to empathize despite our efforts, it is usually a sign that we are too starved for empathy to be able to offer it to others. Sometimes if we openly acknowledge that our own distress is preventing us from responding empathically, the other person may come through with the empathy we need.

We need empathy to give empathy.

At other times, it may be necessary to provide ourselves with some “emergency first aid” empathy by listening to what’s going on in ourselves with the same quality of presence and attention that we offer to others. The former United Nations secretary-general, Dag Hammarskjold, once said, “The more faithfully you listen to the voice within you, the better you will hear what is happening outside.” If we become skilled in giving ourselves empathy, we often experience in just a few seconds a natural release of energy that then enables us to be present with the other person. If this fails to happen, however, we have a couple of other choices.

We can scream—nonviolently. I recall spending three days mediating between two gangs that had been killing each other off. One gang called themselves Black Egyptians; the other, the East St. Louis Police Department. The score was two to one—a total of three dead within a month. After three tense days trying to bring these groups together to hear each other and resolve their differences, I was driving home and thinking how I never wanted to be in the middle of a conflict again for the rest of my life.

The first thing I saw when I walked through the back door was my children entangled in a fight. I had no energy to empathize with them so I screamed nonviolently: “Hey, I’m in a lot of pain! Right now I really do
not
want to deal with your fighting! I just want some peace and quiet!” My older son, then nine, stopped short, looked at me, and asked, “Do you want to talk about it?” If we are able to speak our pain nakedly without blame, I find that even people in distress are sometimes able to hear our need. Of course I wouldn’t want to scream, “What’s the matter with you? Don’t you know how to behave any better? I just got home after a rough day!” or insinuate in any way that their behavior is at fault. I scream nonviolently by calling attention to my own desperate needs and pain in this moment.

If, however, the other party is also experiencing such intensity of feelings that they can neither hear us nor leave us alone, the third recourse is to physically remove ourselves from the situation. We give ourselves time out and the opportunity to acquire the empathy we need to return in a different frame of mind.

Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. Instead of offering empathy, we often have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, however, calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being.

In NVC, no matter what words others may use to express themselves, we simply listen for their observations, feelings, needs, and requests. Then we may wish to reflect back, paraphrasing what we have understood. We stay with empathy, allowing others the opportunity to fully express themselves before we turn our attention to solutions or requests for relief.

We need empathy to give empathy. When we sense ourselves being defensive or unable to empathize, we need to (a) stop, breathe, give ourselves empathy, (b) scream nonviolently, or (c) take time out.

NVC in Action

A Wife Connects With Her Dying Husband

A patient has just been diagnosed with an advanced state of lung cancer. The following scene at his home, involving a visiting nurse, the patient, and his wife, represents a last opportunity for him to connect emotionally with his wife and discuss his dying before being admitted to the hospital. The wife begins the conversation with the nurse by complaining about the physical therapist who was part of the home health care team assigned to her husband’s care.

Wife:
She’s a bad therapist.

Nurse: (listening empathically to what the wife is feeling and wanting)
Are you feeling annoyed and wanting to see a different quality of care?

Wife:
She doesn’t do anything. She made him stop walking when his pulse got high.

Nurse: (continuing to hear the wife’s feelings and wants)
Is it because you want your husband to get better that you’re scared if the physical therapist doesn’t push him, he won’t get stronger?

Wife: (starts to cry)
Yes, I’m so scared!
Nurse:
Are you scared of losing him?

Wife:
Yes, we’ve been together so long.

Nurse: (listening for other feelings behind the fear)
Are you worrying about how you would feel if he dies?

Wife:
I just can’t imagine how I am going to live without him. He’s always been there for me. Always.

Nurse:
So you’re sad when you think of living without him?

Wife:
There is no one else besides him. He’s all I have, you know. My daughter won’t even talk to me.

Nurse:
It sounds like when you think of your daughter, you feel frustrated because you wish you had a different relationship with her.

Wife:
I wish I did, but she is such a selfish person. I don’t know why I even bothered having kids. A lot of good it does me now!

Nurse:
Sounds to me like you might be somewhat angry and disappointed because you want more support from the family during your husband’s illness.

Wife:
Yes, he’s so sick; I don’t know how I am going to get through this alone. I haven’t anyone . . . not even to talk to, except with you here . . . now. Even he won’t talk about it. . . . Look at him!
(Husband remains silent and impassive.)
He doesn’t say anything!

Nurse:
Are you sad, wishing the two of you could support each other and feel more connected?

Wife:
Yes.
(She pauses, then makes a request)
Talk to him the way you talk to me.

Nurse: (wishing to clearly understand the need that is being addressed behind the wife’s request)
Are you wanting him to be listened to in a way that helps him express what he’s feeling inside?

Wife:
Yes, yes, that’s exactly it! I want him to feel comfortable talking and I want to know what he is feeling.
(Using the nurse’s guess, the wife is able to first become aware of what she wanted and then find the words to articulate it. This is a key moment: often it is difficult for people to identify what they want in a situation, even though they may know what they don’t want. We see how a clear request—“Talk to him the way you talk to me”—is a gift that empowers the other person. The nurse is now able to act in a way she knows to be in harmony with the wife’s wishes. This alters the atmosphere in the room, as the nurse and the wife now “work together,” both in a compassionate mode.)

Nurse: (turning to the husband)
How do you feel when you hear what your wife has shared?

Husband:
I really love her.

Nurse:
Are you glad to have an opportunity to talk about this with her?

Husband:
Yes, we need to talk about it.

Nurse:
Would you be willing to say how you are feeling about the cancer?

Husband:
(after a brief silence) Not very good. (The words “good” and “bad” are often used to describe feelings when people have yet to identify the specific emotion they are experiencing. Expressing his feelings more precisely would help him with the emotional connection he is seeking with his wife.) Nurse: (encouraging him to move toward more precision) Are you scared about dying?

Husband:
No, not scared. (Notice the nurse’s incorrect guess does not hamper the continued flow of dialogue.)

Nurse:
Do you feel angry about dying? (Because this patient isn’t able to verbalize his internal experience easily, the nurse continues to support him in the process.)

Husband:
No, not angry.

Nurse:
(At this point, after two incorrect guesses, the nurse decides to express her own feelings) Well, now I’m puzzled about what you may be feeling, and wonder if you can tell me.

Husband:
I reckon, I’m thinking how she’ll do without me.

Nurse:
Oh, are you worried she may not be able to handle her life without you?

Husband:
Yes, worried she’ll miss me.

Nurse
: (She is aware that dying patients often hang on due to worry over those they are leaving behind. Patients sometimes need the reassurance that loved ones can accept their death before they can let themselves go.) Do you want to hear how your wife feels when you say that?

Husband:
Yes.

Here the wife joins the conversation; in the continued presence of the nurse, the couple begins to express themselves openly to each other. In this dialogue, the wife begins with a complaint about the physical therapist. However, after a series of exchanges during which she felt empathically received, she is able to determine that what she really seeks is a deeper connection with her husband during this critical stage of their lives.

Exercise 5:
Differentiating Receiving Empathically From Receiving Non-Empathically

If you would like an exercise to see whether we are communicating about empathy, please circle the number in front of the statements in which the person B is responding empathically to what is going on within Person A.

1. Person A: How could I do something so stupid? Person B: Nobody is perfect; you’re too hard on yourself.
   

2. Person A: If you ask me, we ought to ship all these immigrants back to where they came from. Person B: Do you really think that would solve anything?
   

3. Person A: You aren’t God! Person B: Are you feeling frustrated because you would like me to admit that there can be other ways of interpreting this matter?
   

4. Person A: I think that you take me for granted. I wonder how you would manage without me. Person B: That’s not true! I don’t take you for granted.
   

5. Person A: How could you say a thing like that to me? Person B: Are you feeling hurt because I said that?
   

6. Person A: I’m furious with my husband. He’s never around when I need him. Person B: You think he should be around more than he is?
   

7. Person A: I’m disgusted with how heavy I’m getting. Person B: Perhaps jogging would help.
   

8. Person A: I’ve been a nervous wreck planning for my daughter’s wedding. Her fiancÈ’s family is not helping. About every day they change their minds about the kind of wedding they would like. Person B: So you’re feeling nervous about how to make arrangements and would appreciate it if your future in-laws could be more aware of the complications their indecision creates for you?
   

9. Person A: When my relatives come without letting me know ahead of time I feel invaded. It reminds me of how my parents used to disregard my needs and would plan things for me. Person B: I know how you feel. I used to feel that way too.
   

10. Person A: I’m disappointed with your performance. I would have liked your department to double your production last month. Person B: I understand that you are disappointed, but we have had many absences due to illness.
    

Here are my responses to Exercise 5:

1. I didn’t circle this one because I see Person B giving reassurance rather than empathically receiving what Person A is expressing.
   

2. I see Person B attempting to educate rather than empathically receiving what Person A is expressing.
   

3. If you circled this we are in agreement. I see Person B empathically receiving what Person A is expressing.
   

4. I see Person B disagreeing and defending rather than empathically receiving what is going on in Person A.
   

5. I see Person B taking responsibility for Person A’s feelings rather than empathically receiving what is going on in Person A. Person B might have said, “Are you feeling hurt because you would have liked me to agree to do Is you requested?”
   

6. If you circled this we are in partial agreement. I see Person B receiving Person A’s thoughts. However, I believe we are connected more deeply when we receive the feelings and needs being expressed rather than the thought. Therefore, I would have preferred it if Person B had said, “So you’re feeling furious because you would like him to be around more than he is?”
   

7. I see Person B giving advice rather than empathically receiving what is going on in Person A.
   

8. If you circled this we are in agreement. I see Person B empathically receiving what is going on in Person A.
   

9. I see Person B assuming that he/she has understood and talking about his/her own feelings rather than empathically receiving what is going on in Person A.
   

10. I see Person B starting by focusing on Person A’s feelings but then shifting to explaining.