Northern Spirit (16 page)

Kathy didn’t know what to say, but was moved to give the old lady a hug.
‘I’ll have a good time on you then, Aunty!’

*       
*        *

The money was safely bundled into Kathy’s handbag, knowing it couldn’t
be returned; to do so would hurt her aunt deeply. Kathy also knew if Betty had
any inclination it was a man who’d invited her, she would strongly disapprove.
Kathy didn’t want to be deceptive, but felt that there was no way out of this,
unless she chose another partner and that would hurt Alan once again.

Poor Alan, he had been so good to them. He’d given them all the physical
help that was needed, and in that he’d been tremendous. He didn’t need to give
up some of his weekends to help David. He certainly didn’t do it for the money.
The paltry wages they gave him were only a token. The emotional help was there
too. Kathy knew that with just one phone call he would be around; Alan was as
sound and as steady as they come, and he asked very little of her in return.

Alan Marsh was a man of basic needs. He liked his pint of beer, his
food and his golf. He had an impressive company car and had inherited his
mother’s house in Grange-Over-Sands. He’d once been labelled the most eligible
bachelor in Cumbria. But after caring for his sick mother for years on end,
time had passed by for Alan, and now with too much weight from too many beers,
Alan’s handsome features had ballooned. Nevertheless, he was still one of the
kindest men that Kathy knew.

She found herself comparing Alan with George. Yes, George had been fun
as a young man and willing to take a risk. His carefree attitude and lust for
life had excited her.

She’d first met him at a Farmers’ Ball in Carlisle and was besotted by
his good looks. She remembered how tall and slim he was, his skin like David’s,
bronzed by the weather. He too had dark hair and blue eyes, which didn’t lose
any vitality even during middle age. George had been hard working and hard
playing and did everything to the limit - sometimes to excess.

Kathy recalled when they were younger, on a night out with Barry
Fitzgerald and Eleanor, George had carelessly turned their car over into a
ditch, and as they all crawled out of the battered vehicle, he could do nothing
but laugh; never mind that they could have all been killed. This thought then
brought back another one that had been lodging in Kathy’s mind of George, and
how he’d laughed when he heard that Uncle Fred had died.

*       
*        *

Choosing the right day to tell David about her planned trip was
awkward. Kathy had already called Alan and there was no turning back. Alan
couldn’t believe her change of heart and decided in a matter of minutes over
the telephone what they could do and where they could go.

Kathy’s mother was also agreeable and said she would have the two
youngest children, providing they could be brought to Lancaster. She wanted to
see her daughter happy again, and had secretly hoped that she might “take up
with Alan in the future,” as she’d told Kathy’s father many times. But she’d
thought that this was far too soon to start a new relationship; but Kathy had
always been impulsive. She’d been so when she had married George and she’d
surprised and worried them all with her choice.

Kathy planned to tell David at morning coffee about her trip. Providing
that the milking had gone well, he would be alert and in good spirits by that
time of day.

She waited for a fine morning; waited until Silver was better, and then
for the tractor to be mended, and finally the right morning came. The only
drawback was that Tom was off school. He had a heavy cold with a high
temperature and she would have to keep him upstairs out of their way.

The kettle was boiling and she mended the fire; even taking the trouble
to put up her hair for she knew David liked it like that, and she waited.

Peering through the small kitchen window into the yard, she nervously
fiddled with a strand of hair, knowing he would soon return. David seemed to be
in good form that morning, at breakfast time he’d teased Tom about his cold and
said he was soft for not going to school, and then sat up in the bedroom with
him, reading some of his comic books.

As Kathy waited, she wondered why David was late, and then she heard
footsteps in the yard and the farm gate click shut. She ran upstairs to get a
better view from the arched window on the landing to see who’d just left, and
saw Joanne walking away, down the lane, back home.

Kathy felt irritated that while she’d nervously waited, David had been
held up by Joanne. She knew Joanne had spent a lot of time with him recently,
especially at milking time, but wondered why she never came into the house any
more.

She heard David come into the kitchen and by the time she got down the
stairs he was already at the washbasin with his back to her and scrubbing his
hands. As he twisted around, he had a harsh look on his face, and without
saying a word, he turned his back again and continued washing.

‘Okay, love?’ Kathy tenderly enquired.

‘Aye.’ David was blunt, and carried on washing.

‘All gone well?’ Again, she asked gently.

David yielded a little. ‘I’m sorry. How’s Tom?’

‘Oh, he’ll be all right in a day or two. . . . Come and sit down and
get your coffee.’ Kathy put her hands on his warm shoulders to try and motion
him to the kitchen table and poured the coffee.

He didn’t notice her breathe in deeply as she said: ‘I’m going away for
a few days. . . . Aunt Betty’s treat.’

‘That’s nice.’ Yet his voice was cold.

‘Will you be alright on your own?’

‘Course I will. But what about the kids?’

Kathy sidled beside him and touched his arm. ‘Grandma can have them.’

No reply.

She continued, her hands now shaking. ‘I’m going with Alan, Davey.’

‘What?’

‘Don’t ask me to say it again. It was hard enough the first time!’ She
moved away swiftly.

But David sat quietly trying to absorb what he’d just heard:
she
wants to go away with Alan Marsh
! He didn’t touch his coffee, but pushed
himself back from the table, his wooden chair screeching on the hard floor and
he headed for the door.

Speaking to him like he was a child, Kathy shouted, ‘Where are you
going, David?’

He stopped, looked at her and frowned. ‘I just don’t understand you.’
His eyes glared and his eyebrows almost joined above the bridge of his nose as
he scowled, and the scar on his lip made him appear sinister. ‘Are you
determined to make a laughing stock of this family?’ he gasped, bending down
and pulling his boots back on.

‘How dare you speak to me like that . . . I need a break and Alan’s
offered. You had a holiday and it did you good. Although heaven knows why
you’re back to these moods again. And I didn’t question what you were up to in
Blackpool!’

David saw her trembling and held his head low.

‘You’re only thinking of yourself.’ She angered him once again.

‘Yes, and who are you thinking of? Not Dad, not the kids, not me!’

‘Look, David. . . . Nobody else needs to know.’

‘Oh, and that makes it all right does it?’

From this moment, the love she’d had for him turned into hate - instant
hate. How quickly her feelings had changed with his reproof. She stood and
glared at him. His head was held high again and his face flushed with colour,
bearing a self-righteous expression. She desperately wanted his approval but
with or without it, she would still go, if nothing more than to prove she
wouldn’t be ordered around by anyone ever again.

‘Don’t be a hypocrite, David. It’s okay for you to be fooling around
with Joanne Milton when we’re all so busy.’

‘You don’t know what you’re talking about, Mother. You know nothing!’
and David grabbed his jacket and, without saying another word, left her
standing and slammed the back door behind him.

Kathy, thinking she was alone, stood for some time staring at the
closed door. Then she heard a noise and she turned and spotted Tom just
leaving, quietly closing the hallway door to return upstairs.

*       
*        *

Keld Head revelled in being an unhappy place again during that third
week in February. David hardly said a word to his mother. Kathy was still
anxious for his approval but knew it would never come. She started to prepare
for her holiday with Alan and ruthlessly enjoyed a trip to Carlisle to choose a
new outfit with Aunt Betty’s money.

David continued to be engrossed in his work, much like a man that had
joined the Foreign Legion to forget an unpleasant experience. He had the
mentality that thought:
If I just work and work, my problems will go away.
He
didn’t have any other ideas, so he just worked and became numb to all around
him. Not caring, not loving, not even hating, just indifferent to everything.
The winter had probably got to him as well, and yet with the imminent approach
of the spring, he’d no thoughts of better days and warm sunshine. This was
despite the fact that the snowdrops and aconites were in full bloom, as carpets
of them rolled through the trees. The daffodils would soon be out and their
buds were already fattening ready to burst open at the first sign of warmth.

*       
*        *

Kathy left with Alan one Wednesday morning after leaving the children
in Lancaster with her parents. They were excited to be having a few days off
school.

When Alan met Kathy outside her mother’s house, he was full of
anticipation and his spirits were heightened as she walked out clutching a
small overnight bag. She was wearing a red wool suit with a tightly fitted
skirt and a thin black polo-necked sweater. Her blonde hair was immaculately
tied back and neatly held in a black comb. Her slight figure, still appealing.

Alan felt like a man about to elope, but knew he must keep his promise
and honour her reputation and not spoil their friendship. But there was a
thought deep inside him, a hope that she might change her mind and that this
could be the start of a closer relationship. And, as he sat beside her on the
train, he wanted people to believe she was his wife, for he noticed she was
still wearing her wedding ring.

As for Kathy, at that moment, she didn’t care what anybody thought, she
was happy just to be with Alan and experience the safety of his company, and
she guessed how he would be feeling. She knew she looked good today. Putting on
her make-up and dressing that morning, she had taken more than the usual care;
in fact more than she’d done for years. There was no farewell kiss or loving
embrace from David, and Kathy felt like the teenager that was leaving home and
he was the aggrieved parent. But, as she sat on the train, Kathy did feel some
guilt; not because of her trip with Alan, but because she was leaving David
alone.

She’d left several frozen dinners in the freezer for him and if David
didn’t eat them, well, that was his own problem. Kathy didn’t even know if he
was listening when she tried to tell him what to eat, and when.

David was incensed with his mother and couldn’t believe she was going
through with this foolishness. She had almost taunted him with her appearance,
knowing this angered him more. He hadn’t watched her leave, but stood in the
damp and cold, as the emptiness of the cobbled farm yard and its tower and
outbuildings enclosed him.

*       
*        *

That same day Kathy found herself in Paris; she thought it would be
Blackpool or St.Annes. She couldn’t believe Alan had brought her here. He’d
secretly conspired with Kathy’s mother and Tom, and between them they’d managed
to find her passport. She was glad she’d packed some decent clothing and taken
care over her appearance, and when an olive-skinned French man sitting on the
train, winked at her, she flushed with colour. He reminded her of George.

They stayed in a quaint Parisian hotel. The bedrooms lavishly decorated
with blue flock wallpaper and a bathroom fully tiled and with antique fittings.
Alan kept his promise and slept in the room across the landing, but each
morning he brought her a tray of coffee and croissants, and sat on the side of
her bed as they shared breakfast together. They walked by the River Seine and
visited the Arc De Triomphe and Sacre Coeur; had a glass of Champagne on a boat
on the river and ate in wonderful restaurants. They bought gifts for the
children from street-side markets, and, finally, he took her to the top of the
Eiffel Tower.

Kathy looked out across the Parisian skyline just as David had done in
Blackpool only weeks earlier, but their aspects were different: David had
changed his mind and wanted to go home, but Kathy didn’t.

‘Are you all right?’ Alan noticed the shine had gone from her face and
he put his arm around her.

‘I’m sorry, Alan. This is a bit much for me. I’m obviously not very
good with heights, but I want to take it all in.’

‘You are very quiet. I guess you must be missing the children.’

‘Would it sound awful if I said I wasn’t!’ She couldn’t tell him that
each flashback she had was always of David; thinking of what he would be doing
and how he would be feeling. She knew the little ones were safe with her
mother. But David was alone and unpredictable.

‘You don’t want to go home then?’

‘Home . . . ’she paused. ‘I don’t feel at this moment that I ever want
to go home again.’

Alan found her vulnerability seductive and desperately wanted to kiss
her, and his arm tightened a little on her shoulder. ‘I love you Kathy. . . .’

She looked around at him and softly spoke. ‘I know you do, Alan.’ She
stood closer to him, feeling his warm breath in her hair, her arm pressed
against his body, and she shivered with the cold. ‘Please don’t say any more.
Can we go down now? I feel uneasy.’

They walked silently back to their hotel, both thinking of what had
just been said. The admission of his feelings were of no surprise and,
inwardly, Kathy had welcomed them. Just like David, she craved for the
attention and admiration, and was desperate to be loved. And like David, she
knew she wasn’t in a position to return it yet.