Northern Spirit (9 page)

‘I’m sorry, Mum. I don’t know what’s the matter with me?’

‘You need a good night’s sleep, that’s what the matter!’ Kathy shouted,
annoyed at the mess. ‘It’s time you got yourself to the doctor?’ Then she held
her hand to her throat, knowing she should have kept quiet.

David looked at her and, momentarily stunned by her outburst, calmly
said, ‘I’m not going to the doctor’s. There’s nothing wrong with me. It’s
perishing out there. . . . My hands are frozen.’

Kathy tenderly clenched her son’s hands and was ashamed he was right.

*       
*        *

David finished his tea and went to check some cattle that were
wintering out on the lower pasture. Kathy returned to Alan deep in thought. ‘I
think he should see the doctor, Alan. The lad’s not well, but I doubt if he’ll
go?’

‘Why don’t you go then?’ Alan sounded genuinely sympathetic. ‘Maybe
Doctor Reed can give you some advice. David’s probably in shock and you know
these youngsters - they don’t always know how to express their feelings.’

‘He can’t go on with this sleeplessness. I can hear him at night, up
and down, just like George.’

‘It’s going to take time, for him to sort things out in his head, but
he’ll settle down again I’m sure.’

‘I know your right. I think I will go and see Michael Reed,’ Kathy
replied. ‘He did say if I was ever worried about anything, I must call.’

‘Well there you are then, and while we’re doing some doctoring, I’ve
got some advice for you. Don’t you think it’s about time you got yourself away
for a break, a change of scenery or something? It would do you good. Your
mother would look after the kids, perhaps just for a weekend or so and David
can look after himself for a change.’

‘Oh yes, and where would I go? The Bahamas! With these figures looking
the way they are, I just couldn’t afford it. And anyway, what would I do on
holiday on my own sat in some little bed and breakfast place.’

‘Well, just think about it that’s all?’

*       
*        *

The following morning Kathy went to Keswick. She dressed in her best
skirt and pullover. She did her hair up properly for the first time in weeks,
and put on some make-up and perfume. She felt a sense of freedom. She had
managed to leave while David was up the hill mending a stone wall that had tumbled
down, and she hoped to get back home before he missed her.

It had been some time since she’d actually left Keld Head, barring
necessary trips to the supermarket, the bank and the school. And today it was a
cold and fresh January morning; the Lakes were pleasantly quiet for a change.
Kathy enjoyed looking around the little shops. She went for a coffee and a
buttered scone, and felt contented as she sat reading the morning’s newspaper,
in no hurry for her appointment. She was enjoying the peace and the freedom as
she wandered up to the surgery, happy to see a few friendly faces on the way.

Dr Reed was pleased to see Kathy and thought she looked surprisingly
well. Over the years of her turbulent marriage, Kathy had found she had made a
good ally with this young and supportive doctor. He had seen her through a
troubled pregnancy with Sarah, hoping that she wouldn’t have any more children.
The young doctor had stood by her on many occasions, giving her the resolve to
go on, despite the desperate situation she often found herself in.

As much as this young doctor liked Kathy, he had a great disliking for
George Keldas. He found him difficult to handle and, although respecting his
position as a good provider, he couldn’t comprehend how this attractive and
articulate woman could abide to stay with such a man.

Michael Reed respectfully rose from his chair as Kathy entered his
office. He took her hand and held it momentarily, then beckoned her to sit
down. ‘You look well, Kathy, if I may say so. I thought you’d have been to see
me sooner than this.’

‘Well, Michael, you’re the only one who thinks that. Everyone else
thinks I’m worn out and only fit for the scrap heap.’ Kathy slid graciously
into the chair.

‘Their words or yours? Perhaps that’s what they think you should be
like.’ The young doctor grinned at her.

‘I hope this doesn’t sound awful, Michael, but I feel like I’ve had a
great weight lifted off my shoulders - tragic though it’s been. I feel I can
look forward to some kind of future.’

‘I wish more people could feel the same as you, and then my surgery
wouldn’t be half as full. So whichever way you’re coping, keep doing it - it’s
obviously working.’

The doctor dropped his pen down on his desk, sat back in his chair and
folded his arms. ‘So what can I do for you today?’

‘It’s David. . . . ’ Kathy hesitated. ‘I don’t know if you can discuss
his health with me, he being an adult. But I’m worried about him – he’s acting
strange, almost suspiciously, like he’s hiding something from me.’

The doctor sat forward in his chair and tried not to appear alarmed, as
the familiar subject he’d discussed in the past about George, seemed to be
resuming about David.

‘He’s not sleeping, he’s jumpy, bad tempered, and he’s shutting himself
away most of the time. David interrupted Alan Marsh and me doing some
book-keeping yesterday, and I felt his eyes glare at me, just like a jealous
husband. Yes, just like George. I was waiting for the accusations to start all
over again.’ She rubbed her hand across her forehead, relieved she had unloaded
this anxiety from her mind.

‘Maybe it’s you that’s over-reacting now?’

‘Well, maybe so. I don’t know anymore. I was so used to the cold
feelings between George and me, but now with David. I don’t think I can bear it
again.’

‘What are you hinting at,
like father - like son?
’

Kathy was alarmed at his inference. ‘I know that’s what it sounds like,
but no . . . I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry if it sounded like that. It’s just
his nerves, I’m sure. If he could only get a good night’s sleep, then I know -
I just know, he’ll be better.’

‘I can’t prescribe anything for David unless I see him, and I would
like to see him. Could you persuade him to come in?’

‘He’ll never come, and what’s more, I daren’t tell him I’ve come here
today.’

‘Then perhaps I could call at the farm sometime on a routine visit.
It’s a while since I’ve been, so maybe he won’t be too suspicious. But Kathy,’
the doctor hesitated, ‘you must understand that David will have some trauma.
And he’s lived with George’s influence – what, twenty years or more? He could
be affected - all the children could be.’

‘Do you mean they could all turn out as evil as George?’ Kathy began to
fidget in the chair and, much like her visit to the school weeks earlier,
wished she hadn’t come.

‘I’m sorry, Kathy. I didn’t mean to alarm you; I can say this now as
things are out of my hands, but I always found George to be awkward. I don’t
even know if he could help himself.’

Kathy interrupted: ‘
Awkward,
is an understatement, Michael.
There’s always been a dark side to this family. George could turn on the charm
when he wanted, and then be downright wicked. Sometimes there was a fine line
between the two!’

‘Well, whatever he did, Kathy, whether he intended it or not, you must
understand that David, Linzi, Tom and Sarah could be badly affected by it in
one way or another.’

Kathy was disappointed. ‘No, Michael. . . . None of my children have
ever shown a hint of George’s behaviour.’

The doctor was now bemused. What did she want him to say? She had just
accused her eldest son of imitating his father and then, in almost the same
breath, denied all knowledge. He was perplexed. ‘So how can I help you?’

Kathy realised she’d unwittingly contradicted herself. ‘Please,
Michael. Please come and see him. Try and talk to him. I couldn’t bear anything
to happen to David.’ And she looked completely helpless.

‘I will come to Keld Head, and soon. But I can’t make any promises of
whether I can help. Some of that will have to come from David.’

Kathy looked at this young man, his sympathetic voice and kindness had
helped her once again, and yet the subject of her concern was no longer her
husband but her son.

She saw the familiar photographs of his wife and children placed on his
desk, and she wondered how happy they were. What kind of home did they have?
His dear little children would never have to suffer as hers did. Had life just
dealt her a slap in the face, a restraint for her short-lived happiness?

Kathy left the surgery feeling trapped. Her momentary freedom had fled
and the plan had backfired. Why didn’t she listen to her own mind instead of
letting people persuade her to do other things? She was coping, and she was
doing well. Then she found herself selfishly cursing David for his sensitivity
and his weakness, and blaming him for losing her sense of freedom.

Kathy walked away from the surgery, blindly, looking at no one. She
didn’t notice the rain touching her face. She wanted to cry as the muscles in
her throat started to constrict, and thought she would choke if she didn’t
release the tension, but the tears would not come. She hadn’t cried for George,
or anyone else, and she would not cry for David.

She jumped into her parked car and, looking in the mirror, could see
her bedraggled hair strewn in tatters about her face. Mascara had smeared about
her eyes as she’d rubbed away the unwelcome moisture. She hoped no one had seen
her, but she couldn’t be certain. Kathy tried to remember leaving the surgery,
but her mind was blank. She must have crossed the main road at some stage, and
shuddered at the thought of what could have happened. She must try and pull
herself together and be calm and keep her visit confidential. She would tell no
one of Michael Reed’s inference and just hoped that when he did eventually call
at the farm, he would be professional enough to hide the motive for his visit.

She brushed her hair, wiped her face dry, powdered her nose, and set
off for the short journey home.

When Kathy arrived back, she was surprised to see David in the kitchen
and he didn’t appear to be unduly worried about her absence. When she saw her
son sat contentedly in the kitchen, Kathy felt guilty about her thoughts. She
wanted to hug him and tell him everything that had happened, but that would be
impossible. She felt, more than ever, that she needed some masculine logic to
reassure her. She wanted to feel David’s strong arms around her, to console
her, but had to be content with his presence. And as he sat quietly in the
chair, Kathy started to feel calmer inside as she could see he was having a
better day. He told her that the morning’s milking had gone well, his voice was
soft. As she peered into his face, she saw his eyes looked sleepy and he spoke
without any emotion. He wasn’t looking at her at all, but appeared to be
staring across towards the window. She hoped he could settle. He just had to.

*       
*        *

At four o’clock, children’s voices sounded as Tom and Sarah passed the
kitchen window home from school. There was no time for Kathy to dwell on gloomy
thoughts. They mustn’t see any unhappiness in her speech and actions. But she
found herself observing their behaviour more than usual: Sarah so small,
delicate and sensitive. She had missed her father dearly and would often weep
with her head buried in Kathy’s lap, yet she could change as quickly, if she
were offered a treat or a game to play. David had been good to her in trying to
make her feel secure, but George had so overwhelmed her with love. David did
help, but then Sarah would get angry with him and scream if he teased her.

Tom was different: he idolised David.

Kathy worried about Tom. He didn’t have many friends, but he didn’t
seem to mind. He spent most of his time with David and would rush straight
upstairs as soon as he was home from school to get changed, and help with the
milking; something he never did when George was around. It was strange to see
how their roles had all changed. They had all stepped up a place in the family
unit. Kathy remembered watching David when he was a boy, following George.
David would walk down the lane behind him, sometimes having to run to keep up,
as George strode on regardless. She would watch David imitate his father’s
posture. He would walk tall and straight-backed just like him, and with an air
of arrogance, like they owned the very county, and not just the few fields that
surrounded Keld Head. He would show David how to repair the stone walls, and
how to mend the fencing. He taught him all he knew about animal husbandry:
which cow to breed off and which to replace. He taught him how to tell when a
cow was due to calve and how to deliver it. He showed him which fields were
wet, and which were dry. Which meadow to cut for hay and which to leave. Kathy
could see David teaching these self-same things to Tom, and he loved it. So
consequently, friends to Tom were unnecessary; he had all the companionship he
needed and that was with David.

5

THE GLASS SNOWSCENE

Kathy wasn’t surprised that evening when Alan called. When she heard a
car pull into the yard she knew it would be him. David hadn’t gone out, but was
sitting alone in his room.

Alan lumbered across the kitchen towards Kathy as she sat at the table
mending some of David’s work trousers.

‘You went to the doctor’s then?’ Alan said, standing tall above her and
blocking out some light.

‘Yes, I did and I wish I’d never gone,’ Kathy softly replied, mindful
of David sitting upstairs.

‘And why’s that?’

‘Oh, I just think I can manage better without any interference from
doctors.’

‘What about Davey, did you tell him about Davey?’

‘Yes, I did, and he’s coming to see him, “
discreetly”
he says,
and I hope he is discreet.’ Kathy continued to carefully thread her needle,
holding it up towards the light.