Not Another Vampire Book (36 page)

“Thank
the Gods you found me, my gentle pearl.  The human is a narcissist.”

Eugene’s
expression darkened.  He was clearly not the biggest fan of
Toy Story
Ken.    “To’kel will deal with you, Vampire.”  His monocled gaze swung back to
Kara.  “This is your last chance.  Hand over the book or die.”  He jabbed the
mussel of the Uzi at her, threateningly.

“Alright. 
Alright.  Calm down.”  Kara kept her eyes on the shiny, black weapon even as
she fished around in her purse.  “You know, according to the original text, you’re
supposed to have a diamond sword and not a submachine gun.  Just sayin’.”

“The
diamond sword is for killing Slade. 
This
is for killing you.”  Another
Uzi poke in her direction.  “And I’ll also be destroying that useless sorcerer
you’re so fond of, when he inevitably shows up.”

Oh,
he
didn’t
just threaten Damien.  Kara’s eyes narrowed.  Her hand found
what she was looking for inside her bag.  “I don’t care what kind of retcons
Tanya pulls, you go up against Damien and he’s gonna turn you inside out.”  In
a fair fight, her mate could flatten anyone.  Kara believed that, totally.

But,
Eternal Passion at Sunset
didn’t play fair, did it?

No
way did she want Damien facing down an Uzi. 

Eugene
snorted.  “I’ll take my chances against that smug bastard.  Just give me the magic
book and let’s get this over with.”  He held out his free hand and snapped his
fingers in demand.  The Tweed Avenger was feeling pretty confident in his
ability to strong arm her.

Apparently,
Eugene hadn’t met many twenty-first century city girls.

If
he
did
, he’d know that they all carried pepper spray.

Kara
clicked off the canister’s safety switch as she slipped it out of her bag.  She
hid it against her palm.  “The book isn’t magic.  It’s just a romance novel. 
But, if you give it to To’kel, you’re going to endanger all of us.  I don’t
know what will happen if we change the ending.  To’kel
has
to lose and Slade
has
to survive.  That’s just the way the story goes.”

“Exactly!” 
Slade cried, triumphantly.  “Thank you, Witch, for finally speaking the truth. 
You are truly a wise woman.  You deserve better than a horrible death at the
hands of this accountant.”

“Or
being a sexual hostage to the Wizard Warlock.”  Melessa added, straight faced. 
“After all, he no doubt only kidnapped her for his own dark pleasures.”

“Oh,
no doubt.”  Slade agreed.  “You should see the insatiable way he looks at her. 
It’s shocking and terrible.”

Melessa
shivered.  “Just terrible.  As an innocent, I can only imagine the
shockingness.  I’m just so grateful I have no curls to entice wicked men.”

Kara
automatically glanced at the bars and –Yep-- Mel’s hair was suddenly sewing
needle straight.

And
blonde.

Eugene
scowled over at his former fiancé.  “I can’t believe I’m doing all this just to
win you back, Melessa. 
That’s
what’s terrible and shocking.”  He
glanced back at Kara and sighed like a martyr.  “Give me that book or I’ll just
kill you right now and take it.”

She
didn’t have a choice.  It was
Eternal Passion at Sunset
or her.  It was
kind of a no-brainer, what with the Uzi and all.  Kara took a deep breath and
held the book out towards him.    No matter what she did, he was going to shoot
her.  She could see it in his icy gaze.  Kara couldn’t save this fictional
world if she was non-fictionally dead.

Eugene
reached forward to take the novel from her.  Not having another option besides
a half formed plan, Kara released her grip on the manuscript a second too
early.  It dropped to the floor between them, hitting the ground with a heavy
slap.  Eugene instinctively looked down at it, preparing to pick it up.  The
instant his attention left her, Kara moved.

She
raised the pepper spray and emptied half the canister right into his face.

Eugene
let out a hysterical scream of pain and surprise.  He clawed at his eyes, dislodging
his monocle, the Uzi forgotten as he tried to clear the fiery liquid from his
burning retinas.  Kara didn’t wait around for him to remember the automatic
weapon he had looped around his shoulder.  She took off running.

“Go,
Witch!  Faster!”  Slade called after her.  “Go find the sorcerer and make him
help me!”

Kara
lost one of her shoes as she raced back down the hallway, but she sure wasn’t
going to stop to pick it up.  Instead, she kicked the other one off, too, and
kept going.  She had to reach the bend in the hall before Eugene started
firing.  Otherwise, she’d be caught in a narrow shooting gallery, on the wrong
end of a gun that could blast through solid steel.  At least, that’s what it always
did in action movies and, chances were, Tanya had seen those films, too.  “You evil,
little slut of a
bitch!
”  Eugene shrieked.  “I’m going to fucking kill you!”

Shit,
shit, shit.  Kara dashed passed the caged Vampires, most of whom were watching
her showdown with Eugene like they were the nine o’clock show.  The corner was
just ahead of her, now.  She was going to make it.  Going to make it.  Going to
make it.

Eugene
opened fire

“
Shit!
”
 Kara covered her heads with her arms and braced for a hail of bullets to Swiss
cheese through her.  It seemed like a foregone conclusion.  She could hear the
deadly projectiles impacting the stone wall beside her in a wild spray, so
close and…  None of them hit.  Wait… Was she still alive?  The gun fired
–like-- a thousand bullets a minute and none of them hit her?  How was that
possible?  Apparently, Eugene really was nearsighted without that monocle, or
his eyes were still full of pepper spray, because his aim sucked.

Or
maybe it was her new magical powers, emerging to act like a force field.

That
was kind of a cool idea.

Either
way, Kara turned the corner at a dead run, still in one whole piece.  Eugene
screamed in frustration, but he didn’t try to follow her.  He probably didn’t
see the point.  He had the book, he had Slade and Melessa, and Kara was stuck
on this island with no way off.  He and To’kel could track her down and kill
her at their leisure.  It wasn’t like she could fly.  Not that she could leave
this place, even if she did sprout wings.

She
still had to fairy godmother a happy ending for this stupid story and that
meant saving the world’s most annoying super-couple from their gruesome deaths.

Kara
intended to exit the catacombs back onto the beach, but she must have made a
wrong turn in the dim light.  She’d left the section of the dungeon with cells
and was back in the twisty, creepy corridors.  The whole place was like a
labyrinth.  Her bare feet skidded along the damp stone, randomly guessing what
turns to make as she hurried along.  Did Vampires not believe in exit signs? 
Or ‘You Are Here’ maps?

She
really
wished Damien was there.

Flopping
down in the mold to die was beginning to look like a really good option… Then,
she noticed the cat.  It sat directly in front of her, staring at her with calm
Frankenstein green eyes.  Rather than run into it, Kara stopped.  She doubled
over, her hands braced on her knees, trying to slow her breathing.

Cat.

Right.

Kara
was a goldfish person, but she knew something about this particular kitty,
didn’t she?

Pure,
silvery white with the all-knowing gaze of a prophet.

“Grandma’s
cat.”  Kara swallowed, still panting for breath.  “You’re Slade’s grandma’s psychic,
sometimes dead cat.”  What was it called?  “Fluffy.”  Right.  Brilliant name
choice, Tanya.

Fluffy
blinked at her and then lazily stood up.  Turning, she loped off down a side hall,
as if it expected her to follow.  Suddenly, Kara was in an episode of
Lassie
.

First,
Damien’s morbid raven and now a clairvoyant cat.  Tanya did love writing in
some creepy pets.  Was it some kind of literary theme or just a total lack of
imagination?

Did
she even have to ask?

Kara
shook her head.  Whatever.  Taking her chances with the trailblazing feline,
she changed directions to follow it.  After all, how much more lost could she
get?  This passageway was even darker than the others, the ceiling lower.  It
was more like a tunnel.  Kara didn’t even see the staircase up ahead, until she
tripped over the bottom step.

“Damn
it!”  She fell down on her knees, her hands catching her weight on one of the
higher steps.  Yeah, total smoothness.  She got to her feet and glared at Fluffy,
who sat a few treads above her.  “Thanks for the warning, Fluff.”

Her
white bushy tail gave an arrogant flick.

“I
know
you did that deliberately.”  Kara muttered, brushing her palms
together.

Green
eyes blinked, sphinx like.

…
And now she was arguing with cats.

Still,
at least Fluffy had found a way out of the dungeon.  None of the residents of
her aquarium would have been that helpful, so maybe the cat did have four legs
up on a goldfish.  Kara jogged up the stairs, easing open the door at the top.

On
the other side was a garden.  Plants and flowers beyond description flourished
in a greenhouse four stories high.  It was like being dropped into a jungle.  A
leafy canopy of verdant growth surrounded her on all sides.  It was actually…
pretty.  Kara stood inside the fanciful structure, slowly turning in a circle. 
Really pretty.  Apparently the undead had green thumbs.

Fluffy
trotted a few feet ahead and then turned to look at her.  A flash of blue
sparkles and then
wham!
   Some new kind of magical blinkyness happened
and a white haired woman stood there instead the cat.  Fluffy just became a
senior citizen in a Grecian toga dress.

Those
same shrewd green eyes pinned Kara haughtily.  “I am Dawnyah-Zanabriah.”

Kara
blinked.  Once.  Twice.  “Uh-huh.”  What else could she possibly say to that?

Cat-Woman
didn’t resemble Halle Berry, at all.  She looked kind of like the old sorceress
lady from
Willow
, in fact.  The one who’d been trapped in the body of
the ferret for decades and then got transformed back into a human just in time
to fight the evil queen at the end. 

No.

Correction.

She
looked
exactly
like the old sorceress lady from
Willow
who’d been
trapped in the body of a ferret for decades and then got transformed back into
a human just in time to fight the evil queen at the end.

Because
originality, thy name is Tanya.

Whatever.

It
was George Lucas’ lawyers’ problem.  Kara would be happy to testify about
mental anguish if they needed some witnesses at the plagiarism trial, though.

Apparently,
Kara’s reaction to the transmogrifying kitty wasn’t suitably amazed enough. 
The woman frowned at her in annoyance.  Honestly, it was hard to tell if granny
was a good Witch or a bad Witch, but Kara was just waaay over the ‘OhMyGodItsMagic!!!’
shock and awe by this point.  Whatever the woman’s intentions were, Kara wasn’t
up to being surprised by the new twist

“How
many letters are in your name?”  She asked instead, just because it had to a
nightmare to spell.  The editor in her was already ticking off about half of
them with a red pen.

“Sixteen.” 
Old-Lady-With-The-Confusing-Name-That-Kinda-Sounded-Like-‘Dawn-Sangria’ posed
exactly the way Slade always did.  “My name means ‘grandmother of the great
one,’ for mighty King Slade is the son of my son.”

“Uh-huh.” 
Maybe Tanya was writing this whole book while high.

Like
her mighty grandson, Dawn-Whozamacallits wasn’t about to let an unreceptive
audience stop the show.  “I am also a clandestine shape-shifter.  It is the
legacy of my own grandmother, who was one of the Ware-Creatures from beyond the
stars.  Until now, I have never revealed my secret identity as my own cat.”

“Uh-huh.” 
Was it even worth pointing out how that made no sense?  Probably not.  Still,
it was damn hard to resist.  “So, we’ve got aliens being introduced, now. 
Good.  ‘Cause there wasn’t enough stupid supernatural gibberish getting tossed
into the pot and stirred around.”  Kara sank down onto a garden bench and
rested her head in her hands.  “Christ.  The satisfaction I’ll get from writing
the rejection letter for this novel is going to be orgasmic.”

“I
have seen the future in my crystal ball.”  Grandma Dawn continued, undaunted. 
“I know that you will need my help if you are going to defeat my grandson and
save the Vampire Isle.”

“Wait…”
  Kara lifted her head to squint at her.  “You want me to defeat Slade?”

“No.” 
The old woman scowled at the interruption.  “You must defeat To’kel.  My
othe
r
grandson.  The evil one.”

“Oh. 
Right.”  Well, that made more sense.  Or as much sense as any statement uttered
by an extraterrestrial shape-shifter who used words like ‘crystal ball,’
‘Ware-Creatures,’ and ‘secret identity as my own cat’
could
make.  Whatever. 
The only thing that really mattered was getting the manuscript back and
rescuing Slade and Melessa.  “So, let’s cut this short, before I just give up
and cry.  You’re on my team, right?”