Not Mine to Give (25 page)

Katherine lowered herself to the floor and folded her hands. Duncan went to his knees beside her. For a few silent moments, he felt the peace that usually entered his heart when he came to pray. Kate’s quiet words shattered that peace.

“Will you stand back and let me give the crown to England? That is the only way we can work this out between us. I took a sacred vow. A vow I cannot break.”

Duncan said nothing, he only stared up at the magnificent
statue of the Shepherd holding out his arms, blessing his sheep. Didn’t she know the crown itself meant nothing to him? That it was his father’s tarnished name that was at stake? That keeping the crown for Scotland would atone for the life his father had sacrificed to protect it?

“Was your father much like you, Duncan?”

Duncan thought to answer nay, then stopped. “Aye. He was much like me. Only his will to do what was right was stronger and his compassion for Scotland and all that is hers greater.”

Duncan heard her sigh. “He must have been a very great man. Were you ever a disappointment to him?”

“Nay. I was never a disappointment. My father was not ashamed to show his love. I was only a disappointment to myself when I was na here to save him from Bolton’s sword.”

Duncan clenched his hands until his knuckles turned white. He stole a glance at Kate’s still figure kneeling against the railing. “Were you ever a disappointment to your father, Kate?”

“From the moment of my birth. I was to be the son he never had and no matter how I tried, I could never do enough to make him proud of me.”

“That does
na mean he did na love you.”

“No. He just did not want me. I was not manageable and obedient like Elizabeth.”

“And he did na like the independence you inherited from him?”

“No. He did not like it.”

Katherine bowed her head and closed her eyes. Duncan fought the urge to hold her. He could not imagine ever feeling that his father didn’t want him. Her voice interrupted his thoughts.

“It will not be long before my father comes for me. He’s one of the king’s closest advisors and is a very powerful man.”

“We are nay in England, Kate. Here in Scotland your father holds na power at all.”

“You will not say that after you’ve met him.”

Duncan turned to look at her. Katherine’s lifted gaze focused on the statue. The expression in her eyes reflected her faith, and also her apprehension. There was nothing Duncan could do to alleviate her fears.

No matter what he said, she didn’t trust him any more than she trusted her father. She thought her father didn’t want her, but only wanted a son. She thought her husband didn’t want her, but only wanted the crown. Not all was true, but the part that was threatened to destroy what Kate and he shared.

“It’s late and we must return home. Where is the crown, Kate?”

“What you want is here, Duncan. It’s here before you.”

Duncan followed her gaze to the statue and knew. He looked at his wife, then up to the statue, then back to his wife. The tortured expression on her face told him he had found the treasure he, and England, and Scotland, had been searching for.

She took a deep breath then bowed her head and made the sign of the cross. Slowly, she lifted herself to her feet.

Duncan could not miss the heaving of her chest nor the arm she put out to steady herself. “Are you ill, Kate?”

“I’m tired, is all.”

She held her hand to her middle and took another deep breath. Her pale face held little expression, her movements seemed slow and deliberate. How could he tell her she had nothing to fear? He would protect her even after she got the crown. Even after he had it from her.

“Let’s get this over, Duncan. I’ll need you to help me.”

He stood and followed her to the altar. When they reached the statue, she lifted her trembling fingers and touched the feet of the Shepherd. “You’ll have to stand on the altar, Duncan.”

Duncan flung his knee over the rim of the altar and stepped up until he was even with the statue.

“Wrap your arms around the statue and turn. I’ll hold the base from here. When you feel it loosen, lift. I’ll tell you when to put it back. It will be heavy.”

“Aye, lass,” Duncan said, straining to lift the statue. “It’s heavy.”

Duncan did what she told him and on the second try he felt a tug, then the body of the Shepherd separated from the feet. He could not believe it.

“How did you hide the crown by yourself?”

“Your Father Kincaid helped me. I didn’t know about this hiding place. He showed me where to put the crown then told me who I was to give it to.”

He didn’t want to believe her, but what she said must be true. Father Kincaid must have helped her hide the crown, for Kate was not strong enough to lift the statue by herself. Could it be their own Father Kincaid had instructed her to give the crown back to England?

He held the statue and watched his wife lift the object covered with a white cloth from the hollowed-out center of the base. She wrapped her arms around it and held it close to her breast.

Duncan put the statue back in place and stepped down beside his wife. “You have done well, Kate. You have protected the crown as you swore. There is
na more that can be asked of you.”

“There’s more, Duncan, and you know what it is. I knew it would come to this, but I prayed it wouldn’t hurt so much.”

Duncan looked at the wetness in his wife’s eyes and wanted to take her in his arms and hold her, but he could not. His gaze moved to the crown. The crown that had cost his father his life. Everything he had hoped to gain for his father was within his grasp. Everything he had hoped to gain for Scotland was so close he could reach out and touch it. If she would only…

“Dear God, help me,” she cried, her voice shattered with emotion. “You think because I have the crown, I’ll give it to you. You think I’ll prove my love for you by giving you the crown. I’ve always had it, Duncan. Nothing has changed. I still cannot give it to you.”

“And I promised I would not take it from you. Nothing has changed, Kate. It’s still yours to give.”

Katherine took a few steps to leave then halted and turned back to face the statue. She held the crown like a mother protecting her babe. “When you came after me, you said you wanted me to honor the vow I took to be your wife. Do you remember the question I put to you on our wedding day?”

Her quiet voice seeped into his body and wrapped around his heart. “Aye. You asked if I would still marry you even though you would never give me England’s crown or your heart.”

“You made a poor bargain, my
Scot.”

“Did I? Have you
na given me your heart, lass?”

“Yes, but without the crown, my heart is of little value to you. I knew it then as I know it now.”

Duncan followed her to where the horses waited. She allowed no one to touch the crown. She would not even give it over to him while she mounted her horse. He thought she would have yielded by now. He thought she would have given it to him by now.

Her words came back to haunt him. His mind refused to believe she had meant them, and did not intend to give him the crown. That she intended to give it back to England.

Duncan looked over at her with the crown locked in her arms. A sharp stab of pain jolted through his body. He could tell from the lifeless expression on her face and the agonizing torture in her eyes, that giving it to England was exactly what she’d meant.

…

“Why did you not tell me the crown was hidden in the chapel, Kate?”

Katherine took a breath to steady herself on her horse and turned to face her sister. Duncan had dropped back beside Ian, giving Katherine a little privacy so she could talk to her sister without being overheard. “I didn’t want to concern you with it, Elizabeth.”

“You didn’t think I was strong enough to protect it, did you? You thought if I knew, I would tell Ian.”

Katherine closed her eyes and gripped the edge of the saddle as another wave of nausea washed over her. “I vowed to the priest I would tell no one.”

“But the priest thought I was the one taking the vow.”

“And I wish to God you had been.”

Katherine’s harsh voice echoed over the din of the horses as they made their way to Lochmore Castle. Scores of MacIntyre warriors combined with scores of Ferguson warriors surrounded Katherine, escorting her and the crown with one of the most formidable forces she had ever seen.

Duncan and Malcolm had not taken their gazes from her since they had left
Kilgern. Angus watched over her like an anxious father, and Ian and Elizabeth had focused on no one but her, along with the warriors who rode with them. They were all there to guard her, to protect her.

And the crown. Especially the crown.

“I’m sorry, Elizabeth. I’m tired. It has made my tongue sharp. I didn’t mean it.”

“You don’t look well, Kate. Is there anything I can do?”

Katherine steadied her breathing and hugged the crown tighter until everything around her stopped spinning.
“No. It’s too late to do anything now.”

“Oh, Katherine. You know how much it means to Duncan. Do you not love him enough to give him the crown?”

Katherine stared at her sister and worked to swallow past the lump in her throat. “That must be why, Elizabeth.” Her voice came out in a hoarse whisper. “I must not love Duncan enough.”

“I’m sorry, Katherine. I didn’t mean that you don’t love
Duncan. I just meant…”

“I know what you meant.”

“How do you think this will all end?”

“You mean after I give the crown to Father?”

“Yes.” Elizabeth lowered her gaze. “Ian says he doesn’t know how Duncan will ever… I mean…”

“I know, Elizabeth. Ian doesn’t know how Duncan will ever be able to forgive me if I don’t give him the crown. How he will ever be able to love me if I go against him.” Katherine hugged one arm around the crown and the other around her stomach. “There’s no way he can. I’ve known this from the start.”

“But you will not give it to him, will you?”

“I wish it had not been me the priest found that night. I wish to God the priest had given the crown to you.”

“Maybe it was meant to be this way, Katherine. You know I’ve never been the strong one. God knew I would not have had the strength to honor my vow.”

Katherine saw Elizabeth’s open honesty and heard it in her voice.

“You were always the one who took care of mother and me. We were both weak.”

“You’re not weak, Elizabeth.”

“Yes, I am. Why do you think Father treated me as he did? He knew my shortcomings and therefore expected little from me. He knew your strengths and expected much.”

“But it was never good enough.”

“No. It was never enough. But only because you were not pleased with what you had to offer.”

Katherine put her hand to her face and wiped away the
tear that stole down her cheek. “I remember the excitement in the keep when Father would come home from court. Mother would put on her prettiest gown and fix her hair the way Father liked. The minute he sat in his chair you would run across the room and jump onto his lap.”

“And you would stand back until he gave you permission to come near.”

“I wasn’t sure he wanted to hold me. He never said.”

“He didn’t have to say.”

“Then how did you know? I could never do enough to be sure he wanted me. How did you know, Elizabeth?”

“Oh, Katherine. You didn’t have to earn Father’s love. It was always there for the taking.”

“It wasn’t there for me. I couldn’t find it.”

“Have you found Duncan’s love?”

Katherine wiped the moisture from her brow and took big gasps of air to breath past the way her eyes could not focus. “I will never earn Duncan’s love, Elizabeth. The price is too high.”

“You don’t have to earn his love, Katherine. He’s like father. His love is there for the taking. You have only to reach out to him.”

“I cannot. There’s a crown in the way.”

“Oh, Katherine.” Elizabeth held out her hand and Katherine wanted to grasp it but her world spun around her and she had to clasp her fingers to the edge of the saddle to steady herself.

“Katherine, are you all right?”

“I’m fine. I just feel a little strange,
,
tis all.”

Elizabeth turned around to where Duncan and her husband
were riding.

“Don’t call for Duncan, Elizabeth. Just stay at my side until this goes away.”

“Are you ill, Kate?”

“No. I’m…”

Katherine knew there were more words that needed to be said, but the blanket of darkness that cloaked her mind would not allow them to come out.

“Duncan!”

Elizabeth’s voice shattered through the barrier, then strong arms lifted Katherine in the air and settled her down. She felt safe. She felt secure. Duncan’s arms were around her.