Not My 1st Rodeo (23 page)

Chapter Eleven

Stillness surrounded Jacy as she stepped out of her truck. No longer night but not yet sunrise, a time of eerie tranquility in the country. She walked softly on the gravel, every step too loud for her ears. Her stomach pitched and rolled, her skin covered in a clammy sweat of regret and determination.

Eight hours and more than two hundred miles later, Ray's words still played in her mind. Carly had said any sane woman would write him off as an ass, and Slade had warned Ray would never give her the second chance they needed. But she'd been raised by a man more stubborn than any other. Surrounded by brothers who saw the world as right or wrong, and thought all reasons were simply excuses. Even though she understood, it didn't make it right. But then, neither was what she'd done.

She'd waited for the rest of the house to fall asleep before heading out, not wanting to explain herself. She knew the only chance she had to get through to Ray before he tore down every connection they'd made was to corner him and make him listen.

Hell, she sounded like a crazed stalker. And it wasn't exactly sane to be here. But she had to try. The only hope she had to go on was that he wouldn't have been that angry if he hadn't been deeply hurt. And that meant he cared.

After grabbing her bag from the storage box, she headed towards the stable, needing to busy herself until she knew Ray was awake. The soft clicking of hoof beats in the distance grew louder until she spotted Hoss thundering across the pasture. Her eyes widened as she saw Ray racing towards her, hopefulness and dread flooding her with anxious anticipation.

He didn't slow until they hit the gravel of the drive, and then just barely. They approached like a shadow in the twilight, and an ominous trepidation circled her the way the horse did before Ray pulled him to a stop.

“What the hell are you doing here?” The anger in his voice shook the stillness.

She swallowed past the tightness in her throat and looked up at him. He sat upon the horse like a king on a throne, his aura of control and powerful body made an intimidating and sexy combination.

“I told you I never want to see you again.”

“You said a lot of things, but you were too angry to listen to what I had to say. I came to apologize, to tell you how sorry I am about not coming clean with you sooner. And for the way you found out.”

“Sorry doesn't change that you knew all about me and never let me know you.” Hoss lowered his head and Jacy reached out. Ray jerked the horse's head up before she could touch him.

“You know the real me, the parts that don't change the way addresses and even last names can.” She set her bag at her feet and slid her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. “If I hadn't done it, I wouldn't have found you or this place.”

“My life would be a whole lot better if we'd never met.”

She shook her head to clear the troubling thought. “You don't mean that. You're just angry.”

“Hell, I don't even know who you really are.”

“You know me, Ray. I am not my name or my nearest map dot. I'm just me, and you're you, and I'm asking you to forgive me. Tell me you can, that we'll learn from this. Because if you can't realize it was a mistake and love me through it, you aren't half the man I thought you were.”

He let out a cruel laugh. “Let me get this straight. You make up an ex-husband, change your name and lie about where you live and even where you're going when you leave, but I'm the one in the wrong here. You have a lot of nerve.”

“Damn it, Ray.” She clenched her fists but managed to control the urge to stomp her foot. “Get down off your horse and talk to me.”

“Whatever game you're playing, lady, I'm out. You got what you came for. I don't know what you're doing here now.”

“I'm trying to explain.”

“You did. This started with a lie, and you kept right on doing it to cover your tracks. And since your first story didn't work, you're probably here to sell me another. But I'm not buying.”

She stared out at the horizon, pinks and oranges peeking over a distant mountain. She was Cinderella at the ball, and the sunrise was her midnight. “That's it. That's all this meant to you. And now I've disappointed you, you can just turn it off like a switch.” She wrapped her arms around her middle, needing to hold herself up. “I'm standing here telling you I'm sorry. I know I should have told you.”

“See, by your own admission, you knew it was wrong when you were doing it. I don't think you're sorry at all. I think you're sorry I caught you.”

Her throat constricted, her traitorous eyes swelling with tears. She willed herself not to blink, not to let him see her cry. “You make it sound like I did some horrible, dirty thing.”

“I've been down this road before, and I'll be damned if I let you drag me there again. You're thirty years old. It's time to grow up and stop playing these selfish games.”

The word hit her like a slap. He could claim he didn't know her, but he knew exactly where to kick her when she was down. She squeezed herself tighter. “I can't believe this is happening.”

“Yeah, that's how I felt earlier. You'll get over it.”

“Yesterday, I had everything I'd ever wanted. I'd never been that happy.” She swiped an errant tear, but they seemed to multiply without end. “You're making a mistake. I think we're meant to be together, and I just did it wrong.”

“I've made this mistake before and learned from it.” Derision chilled his voice. “Have a nice life, far away from here.”

She turned her back to him and picked up her bag. Her body felt cold, hollow, foreign, as if it belonged to someone else. She took a step towards the barn.

“Where do you think you're going?”

Gravel crunched beneath her feet as she turned around. “I'm going to check on the twins.”

“The hell you are.” He moved Hoss between her and the stable. “I don't want you on my ranch.”

“Those colts aren't out of the woods yet. They could die without proper medical care.”

“Our vet has already been out twice. Don't give my horses a second thought.”

“My God, you really want to hurt me, don't you?” She had a connection with those babies, and he'd cut her out of their lives like a surgeon with a scalpel.

“What I want is for you to go.”

And so she did.

“What a difference a day makes, huh, kid?”

Ray nearly fell as he dismounted Hoss. “Dad, where the hell did you come from?”

He leaned over the half-door of Candy's stall. “I'm on colt watch. Which means I'm in earshot of this bullshit.”

He wasn't ready to explain, not so soon after Jacy's surprise appearance. “I'm not talking about this.”

“By all means, let's wait and let it fester.”

“Just let it lie.” Instead of pretending to be working, he should have grabbed the whiskey bottle he kept in his cupboard and drowned his stupidity.

“I see. You can call me out when I'm being a coward, but you can't take it when I do the same.”

Ray spun on his heel to face his father head on. “You don't know what you're talking about.”

“I know you're not hurting any less for hurting her. You thought it would help, but now your stomach is so twisted you want to puke. And I know that if you leave things like this, it will be your biggest regret.”

“You don't have the whole picture here.” He led Hoss to the paddock, wanting his old man to let this conversation wait a few more hours. Years even.

“Of course not. I'm just a father looking at his son hurting and wanting to make it stop. I'm not telling you to be with this girl. That's your choice. But you had her so high up on a pedestal, she couldn't help but fall. You thought she was perfect, and it turns out, she's as flawed as the rest of us.”

Seemed like everyone wanted to turn this on him this morning. Whiskey sounded better all the time. He looked past his dad to the horses, all probably awakened by the commotion. The colts nursed while Candy drank from her trough.

“It's easy to give up. This is hard and messy and damned uncomfortable. But I've never known you to back down or turn tail and run.”

Oh, hell no. “I don't run.”

“No, you just drove back here instead of letting her explain. And then when she catches up, you throw her out. Which is your choice, I suppose. But a woman sorry enough to drive through the night to apologize might care more than you think.”

“You're supposed to be on my team. My whole life, I've done everything step-by-step, just like I was supposed to. Got good grades, did my chores, finished college, work the ranch, got married. I checked the boxes, Dad. And what did it get me?” He shook his head. “The world doesn't work like that anymore.”

“I'm your biggest fan. Your mom and I wouldn't have been able to stay home after the fall if not for you. And you're a smart businessman. This place has never been so profitable. You're a good man, Ray. I just wish you could forgive yourself for not realizing what Kendra was doing. Maybe then you could remember how to forgive other people.”

“I didn't do anything wrong. And I'm not having another woman who lies like she breathes in my life.”

“You can't talk about Kendra and Jacy in the same sentence. One married you so you'd put her through college while she carried on. Jacy lied about what? Her profile on that dating site you found her on?”

“And she kept building the lies. I don't even know why she came here. She hadn't told her family that she was seeing anyone. I was just a game she played on the side.”

“Fine. She was just some girl your mom made you go out with. You told her that, right? That you went out with her as a promise to your mother?”

“That doesn't matter now.”

“You're probably right. It's a tricky thing, trying to know when to cut your losses and when to hold on tighter and weather the storm.”

“I know what you're trying to do, but I don't know why you're so sure I'm the one fucking this up.”

“I'm not.” He sighed and returned to his chair in the corner of the stall. Blaze folded to the floor beside him. “I just know that for a week, it was as if your heart had never been broken.”

Chapter Twelve

The tree-lined fields darkened to a dense forest before Jacy was forced to pull over. Crying and driving was a dangerous mix. Her only win was that she'd made it to the highway before the ugly cry started. Her head pounded and her face felt both tight and swollen. She wanted to run into the forest and scream as much as she wanted to curl into a ball and hide.

Spending quality time in the fetal position won out. She didn't even leave the truck, just pushed aside the back window and pulled herself into the camper. The main space stored enough medical supplies and specialty equipment to keep her prepared in most any veterinary emergency. Pure practicality.

The bed in the cabover was pure indulgence. She climbed up into the soft, cozy space and squeezed a pillow to her chest. She slept here more than she'd ever expected to when her folks had given her the rig as her graduation present. In a job with such crazy hours, grabbing a nap or sleeping on site proved vital at times.

Now, it provided a safe place to soothe her frayed nerves and shattered heart. She took off her boots and slipped beneath the pink camouflage comforter, the chill of her failure seeping into her bones. She should have listened to Slade, to Carly. They had far more experience at the relationship game than she did. It would have spared her pride. But not her heart.

As much as it pained her to know that her error in judgment had been a fatal blow to their relationship, it hurt deeper to know she'd wounded him so deeply. Later, Carly could help her find the anger, show her how to be offended instead of gutted. But for now, she needed the release of a good cry.

Somewhere in the midst of it all, she drifted off. The sound of footsteps circling the truck jolted her awake. Jacy had a satellite phone because she often found herself in places outside of cell-service range. Plus, she had a loaded shotgun in the cabinet beside her bed. Country girls were more prepared than Boy Scouts. Whoever this idiot checking out her rig was better head out quick, because she wasn't in the mood to shoot the fool in the leg.

Peeking out the windows by the bed didn't give any clues, so she slid out of bed and onto the bench. Her feet had barely touched the floor when she heard her name, so loud the sound jumpstarted her heart. She recognized Ray's voice and froze on the spot.

He had the nerve to try the door. The sound startled her into action. She crossed the camper and opened the door.

Yellow streaks of sunlight shone through the trees, highlighting the curl of his light brown hair. He'd changed into a denim shirt, a few shades lighter than his eyes. Bloodshot eyes, which had probably had even less sleep than her own. She looked past him to his motorcycle parked sideways behind her.

He gave her a half smile and then shook his head. “Can I come in?”

“No, I'm having a pretty nice life in here.”

He nodded. “I deserved that.”

“You think?” She stayed in the doorway, wanting him to come in but not wanting to feel more of his rage.

“Listen, I'm not exactly proud of how I spoke to you this morning. I thought I had a couple hours to figure out what to say here, but you weren't even a half-hour away.” He rubbed the back of his neck, his bright blue eyes pinning her in place. “You wanted to talk. I'm here to listen. If you changed your mind, I'll go.”

“I don't know if I can believe that.”

He cast a glance at the sky before returning his gaze to hers. “I said I would, and I don't lie.”

“But you do get stuck on one point and ignore the rest. And you want me to carry baggage I didn't pack.”

His eyes narrowed and then softened as he caught her meaning. “Fair enough. Do you want me to listen or not?”

She stepped aside, the tight space closing in around them. It wasn't a recreational camper, so there was only one seat. She offered it to him and perched on the bench. She checked her watch, surprised to find half the morning gone.

Ray leaned toward her, bracing his forearms on his strong thighs. “So you made up an ex-husband to join NotMy1stRodeo.com.”

She nodded. “It's not for singles, and the one I was on before wasn't working for me. Slade had talked about it, so I checked it out and signed up.”

“To lose your virginity.”

Heat spread across her cheeks and down her neck. “I know that you don't get it. Somewhere along the way, I turned off that side of myself. I was so busy with school and wanting to not just pass my courses, but to truly understand what I was doing. I took advantage of every opportunity that came my way, and meeting guys wasn't even on my radar. It wasn't until I turned twenty-nine that I realized how far behind I'd fallen.”

His expression was blank, unreadable. She sighed, deciding to keep going. “And guys now want to talk about sexual history over the bread basket. And then my lack of experience became the only topic of conversation. Some couldn't get away from me fast enough, others wanted to help me out.”

“Why didn't you let them?” He leaned back in the swivel chair bolted to the floor.

She shrugged. “I didn't want to see any of them naked.”

A grin flickered across his face. “Fair enough.”

Her breathing deepened and the tightness squeezing her chest loosened up a bit. “They didn't want to sleep with me either, not really. They'd hit Google before we'd go out and usually know the size of Weston Ridge and see dollar signs. Guys that grew up anywhere around us didn't want to go near me. I mean, you know my brothers, they're not what you'd call warm and friendly.”

“At least not where their sister is concerned.”

“I wanted a chance to find someone who wanted me, not a place on the ranch or as a virgin novelty. To do that, I had to get out of the county, away from the name. I could be me and have sex if I wanted. And if it was awful and I embarrassed myself as I usually do, I could just go back to my regularly scheduled life.”

He rubbed his hands over his jean-clad thighs. “Your logic is flawed. You know that, right?”

She nodded. “I can see where you'd think that, but I see the value in it.”

“In telling people you're something you're not?”

“No, in wanting to find someone who liked the awkward vet who would rather spend the day with animals than people, who rambles when she's nervous and doesn't know how to sit down in a dress.”

He pushed a hand through his hair. “You said you did it to have sex.”

“When I signed up, that's what I wanted. I wanted to be brave enough to go through with it, but I doubted I would be. It's hard to go from celibate to sex kitten overnight.”

He leaned towards her, bracing his forearms on his thighs once more. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“When? If I told you on the first phone call, you would have thought I was crazy. And after we met, I didn't think you knew me well enough to understand. Plus, you said yourself, if you'd known I was a Weston, you would have asked Slade for his blessing. And he wouldn't have given it.”

“Why not?” He sat up straight, vertical lines pressing into his forehead.

She swallowed, not wanting to say something that might hurt him more. But he had a thing for the truth. “Our folks have always said that marriage is the union of two people who are great at forgiveness. And that's not you.”

He pulled his hand down his face, his expressionless mask returning. “He's right. I'll never forget what you did.”

“I know.” Her future spiraled down the drain in front of her. Ray wouldn't be here unless he wanted to try, she just needed to give him a reason. “I'll never forget the way you kissed me after we got caught in the rain. I'll never forget your confidence in me when Candy was foaling. Or how you kept me company during my drive home, and how I got that shirtless selfie out of you.”

He groaned and closed his eyes and she wondered if maybe, just maybe, he remembered it all too.

“Most of all, I'll never forget how gentle you were with me. And how in that moment, nothing else existed.” Her throat tightened, her lashes wet as she blinked. “It was amazing, being together like that and knowing that you loved me and I loved you. It made something better than either of us.”

The silence stretched, the whirring sound of passing cars on the highway punctuating how long it had been since either of them spoke. Jacy closed her eyes and focused on anything else. The window against her back, the bit of comforter hanging off her bed that rested behind her head. If he wanted to go, he needed to be the one to leave.

“I can't forgive you today.”

She opened her eyes at the sound of his voice. When he stood, he filled the space completely. She lifted her gaze to his and forced a smile. “I know.”

“I don't think I will tomorrow either.”

Dear God in heaven, if he was going to get mean now, when she'd been so vulnerable with him, she was going to have to jump up and get her gun. She wouldn't shoot it, but the thing was heavy and it would hurt like hell when she hit him with it.

“And I know I won't be able to trust you until I forgive you.”

Not sure if she should ready herself for the fatal blow, she tried to read his eyes, finding only naked emotion. He seemed as confused and scared as she was.

“But I do know that I loved you yesterday, and you loved me, and it was the best I've ever felt in my life. And in an instant, it was all taken away. I don't know if I can handle someone having that much control over my life.”

“That's the part that sucks for me right now.” He was damned lucky she'd learned how to save her tears for privacy, because holding back now wasn't easy to do. “I don't think either one of us are getting out of this whole.”

He cleared his throat and hooked his thumbs in the pockets of his jeans. “I know I don't have much place to ask, but can you give me a few days? I'm so angry with you right now, and I don't want to make a permanent decision while I'm seeing red.”

She sighed, her heart still leaden but her burden easing. “Okay. So this is a don't-call-me, I'll-call-you thing?”

He knit his brows together. “No, I mean come home with me. You cleared a few days because of the twins anyway, right? We can talk and fight and try to figure out where we go from here.”

“You want me to stay with you so we can fight?”

“It could happen. Probably will.”

She nodded and stood in front of him. “I'll go home. With you. To make up. We can talk or fight or whatever you want, so long as we make up after. I'll do anything it takes to get us back to yesterday.”

He reached for her and took her hand in his. “I hope we get there.”

She stepped closer and wrapped her arms around him, resting her head against his chest. His steady heartbeat beneath her ear soothed the parts of her soul still aching. He pulled her close, tightening his grasp around her.

“Maybe if we both hold on tight enough, it won't unravel.” His husky whisper warmed her as much as his big body surrounding hers did.

“I love you too much to let go.” She loved the scent of him, all clean man and hard work.

“But you have to.” He tilted her chin up to meet his gaze. He brushed his lips against hers in the faintest of kisses. “You have to drive home.”

“Home is wherever we're together.” She pulled him to her and his lips found hers. For a moment, she forgot about apologies and forgiveness, future worries and past regrets. He tasted like crisp autumn and fresh mint, his kiss melting into hers as if they belonged together. Which they did.

He pulled away when she slipped her fingers between the buttons of his shirt. “I'm going to like making up with you, babe.”

“Making up, making out, making love, making sandwiches…”

“Sandwiches?”

“I have a big appetite.”

His warm, rich laugh filled the space with hope. “You and me both, babe. You and me both.”