Not My Will and The Light in My Window (12 page)

Dear me!
thought Eleanor.
I wonder if that minister we heard yesterday had any idea what a commotion he would stir up by his sermon. I’ll never forget it. After I get the money, Chad and I will dedicate it and ourselves both to the Lord. I just can’t take chances on losing it now, even though Chad wants me to. I’ll tell him the price is too high. He’ll be disappointed, but he said he’d stand by me in any case. Anyway, he’ll be glad I have decided to give myself to God as soon as I get the money. Fifteen months isn’t long. Then I’ll give my whole life to God.

W
orn with her mental and spiritual battle, Eleanor undressed and was asleep almost as soon as her head touched the pillow. She was awakened by the sharp, insistent ringing of the telephone. As she reached for her housecoat she glanced at the clock and then at the empty pillow beside her on the bed. Two o’clock and Chad not home! Sudden panic swept over her, and her hand trembled as she took up the receiver.

“Miss Stewart?”

“Yes.”

“This is Memorial Hospital. Your brother has been slightly injured and is here. He is asking for you. Can you come?”

“Yes—oh, yes, I’ll be there right away!”

She dialed a number and asked for a cab, then dressed with feverish haste. Her brother—Chad, of course. He
would give his name and ask them to call her, and they would conclude she was his sister.

Eleanor told the driver to go as fast as he could, then huddled into a corner of the backseat and tried to pray. She could only manage to whisper through tight lips, “Oh, Chad, wait for me—I’m coming!”

Up the hospital steps she flew. She gave her name to the night clerk, and he motioned her to a room where she was met by an intern in white.

“Miss Stewart? Your brother is calling for you. We’ll go right up. Be as quiet as you can.”

“Is he—is it bad?”

“We can’t say yet. He was brought in after having been found on the sidewalk, apparently struck by a drunken hit-and-run driver. We don’t know how long he had been there, but he is suffering from exposure. We’ve had him in the emergency room, but we’ll have to wait until morning for a more thorough examination. Perhaps your being here will quiet him now. He seems very restless and troubled.”

The intern stopped before a large white door. Eleanor caught her quivering lip between her teeth, drew a long breath, and then approached the high bed behind the screen.

Chad lay there, looking as quiet and still as though he were asleep, but when he heard Eleanor’s soft steps he opened his eyes and smiled tenderly. “Ellen! I knew you’d come.”

“Oh, my dear, what have they done to you?”

She leaned over and kissed him, and he closed his eyes again in happy relief.

Drawing up a hard, straight-backed chair, Eleanor
sat by the side of the bed and took Chad’s hand in her own. It was cold and limp; so different from the strong hand that had held hers a few hours before. Choking back the tears, she sat quietly while minutes dragged past. She thought Chad was asleep, but when she changed the cramped position of her arm, he opened his eyes and in a faraway, quiet voice, said, “Ellen.”

“Here, dear.”

“Will you do something for me?”

“Of course. Just tell me, Chad. I’ll do everything I can.”

“I think I’ll be all right soon. I’m not feeling so bad … just tired. But Mother ought to know. Will you call Dean Harrison and have him call home?”

“Just as soon as morning comes.”

“Call Professor Merritt too. I won’t be able to go to the lab for a few days, probably. And … Ellen?”

“Yes, dear heart.”

“There’s something else. Bob may come when the Dean calls, and maybe Mom too. They’ll go to my room at Merritt’s.” Chad’s breath was coming in short gasps. Eleanor tried to stop him, but he shook away her restraining hand. “No—let me speak. When you feel like it I want you to let folks know we’re married, but not until then. If the folks come and don’t find any of my things there, they’ll wonder. Ellen, take my clothes and books back there so they won’t know.”

“Yes—yes, I will. Now, dear, you must be quiet. I’ll stay until you go to sleep.”

Ellen sat quietly stroking the dear hand until Chad’s heavy breathing told her that he was really asleep. She
was beginning to put her wraps on quietly when the intern came in.

“We gave him a heavy opiate,” he said. “He will probably sleep several hours. We have a room here where you can lie down if you wish.”

“No,” Ellen replied reluctantly. “If he will sleep I have some messages to send and some errands to attend to. I’ll be back as soon as possible.”

It was with numb hands and a heart wrung with grief that Eleanor hastily packed Chad’s clothes and books and a few other belongings into suitcases in order to carry them back to his old room.
Will he ever wear them again?
she wondered, looking with swimming eyes at the shirts she had ironed—was it yesterday? It seemed such a long time ago.

The taxi driver helped her move the boxes and suitcases up to the room over the garage, and then, while he waited below, she hurriedly hung the suits in the closet, laid the shirts in the drawers, piled books on the table and shelves, and even hung the laundry bag with its soiled garments on a hook in the closet.

At the hospital once more, she sat motionless by the bedside for several hours, never tiring of watching the beloved face on the pillow. At eight o’clock she called Dean Harrison and Professor Merritt, then resumed her post.

And her thoughts during these long hours of waiting? Eleanor lived again and again through the events of the preceding day, each time arriving at her final decision with a more bitter regret. She had been wrong. Deliberately. She had rejected the loving fellowship of the Master, and now He was letting her suffer. All the money
in the world didn’t mean anything compared with Chad. All she wanted now was to tell the whole world she was his own, his happy wife. If he would only get well again they would face the world together. Everything would be all right.

Eleanor bowed her head in her hands and prayed silently.
Oh, God, if You’ll just save Chad and give him back to me, I’ll give You all I have forever.

Reaching up, she unfastened the chain about her neck and slipped from it her wedding ring. For another hour she sat holding it in her hand, waiting with her heart beating hard for the moment when Chad’s eyes would open.

He stirred at last and opened his eyes to meet Ellen’s smile and soft words, “Better, dear?”

“I’m fine now. I just feel light and empty. I probably need something to eat. Did you get everything taken care of?”

“All done. Don’t worry about a thing.”

“I won’t,” Chad said obediently.

Eleanor drew in a quick breath and said, “Chad-would you do something for me?”

“Of course, dear, if I can.”

Eleanor opened her hand, and Chad saw the little gold ring lying in her palm. Then she held out her left hand. Will you put it on—where it belongs?”

A glad smile, almost unbelieving, illumined Chad’s face. With unsteady fingers he picked up the ring, then looked for a long moment into her eyes and said, “Is it all right now?”

“All right,” she answered tremulously.

Chad slipped the wedding ring on her finger, then
pressed her hand to his lips. “Mrs. Charles Stewart, in public as well as in private,” he whispered with a little of his old gaiety. Then, with a grateful smile, he added, “Oh, Ellen, Christ did solve the problem when we let Him.”

All day he slept, and Eleanor did not leave him. Once the nurse came in and told her softly that a Dean Harrison and a Professor Merritt had called downstairs but had not been permitted to come up to Mr. Stewart’s room. Dean Harrison had left a message that the young man’s brother would arrive that evening.

As the afternoon wore on, and Chad still slept, a heavy foreboding took possession of Eleanor’s heart.

When the rosy sunset light filled the white room, Chad finally opened his eyes again and smiled. “It
is
all right, isn’t it, Ellen?”

“All right, dearest.”

When the nurse came in a few moments later, Eleanor was on her knees by the bedside, and Chad lay smiling peacefully. Eleanor looked up questioningly as the nurse reached for his pulse and then turned away. He had fallen asleep once more. But this time he would not wake.

A
ll that night Eleanor walked around the apartment with wide, tearless eyes. From one room to the other she wandered, dwelling on every minute of the day just passed. It couldn’t be true! She’d wake up in the morning and see Chad’s tousled head on the pillow, and they would have a good laugh over her nightmare. God didn’t let things like this happen. Hadn’t she told Him that if He’d save Chad she would love and serve Him forever? Didn’t He want her life in service? Maybe He thought she wasn’t worthy of Chad. She hadn’t been, of course, but she was trying, and with Chad helping her she could have grown into something worthwhile.

But He had rejected her. He had heard her promise and then taken Chad away. He had left her all alone, for there was nothing left. Did people go on living like this? Would the body keep moving with the heart completely dead?

She had laughed at Chad for taking out life insurance. People like him, young and strong, didn’t die. Old people died. But Chad was dead, and she had never had a chance to tell a soul she was his wife. God hadn’t heard her prayer. Then her promise to Him was void!

Relieved of that promise, she would go back to the life she had known before Chad entered it. In all this awful crash, one thing remained—her work. From now on she would work, work, work—and forget. Perhaps some day this painfully wonderful year would be blotted out of her memory. Surely if one practiced forgetting, practiced hard and continually, one could forget!

Chad’s things were gone from the apartment, and she was glad. They would only have brought back painful memories. As soon as possible she would leave, too, and go somewhere in the city where no one knew her. She would go to Chad’s funeral, of course, and tell him good-bye forever, and then she would set to work.

As the light of a new day began to dawn, Eleanor saw on the table Chad’s Bible, which she had forgotten to carry away. Well, if she had renounced God, she certainly did not want His Book lying around. Without opening it she thrust it quickly into the back of a dresser drawer. She would send it to Chad’s mother. She was the kind of person who pleased God by taking His chastenings meekly; she would have more use for the Bible. Eleanor didn’t intend to read it anymore.

Suddenly she stood transfixed as her gaze rested on the narrow gold band on her left hand. A long moment she hesitated, then with a quick gesture slipped it off. Finding the blue velvet box it had come in, she replaced it in its satin bed, then snapped the cover shut.

Early that morning she telephoned Carolyn Fleet. Trying to keep her voice even, she said, “Carolyn, remember Chad Stewart? He died last night after being struck by an automobile. I suppose the funeral will be back at his home. I want to go, but not alone. If you and Fred will make the trip with me, I will pay your expenses and for the time you lose from your teaching.”

“Oh, my dear!” answered Carolyn. She had always wondered how things stood between Eleanor and Chad. “I’m so sorry. Can I come and stay with you today? I can do it easily.”

“I don’t want you to miss school.”

“That’s quite all right. I’m coming up as soon as I can get there. What is your address now?”

Eleanor gave her the address dully, realizing that Carolyn would never guess by the appearance of the apartment that Chad had lived there until two nights before.

When Carolyn arrived, intending to comfort Eleanor as best she could, she found a difficult task confronting her. Eleanor was so poised and quiet the older woman was at a loss for words. Although Carolyn had never suspected their true relationship, she knew that Eleanor and Chad had been deeply attached to each other, and this stony calm on Eleanor’s part perplexed her.

In the afternoon they went together to the university chapel where the quiet figure was to lie for a few hours before starting the journey home. Chad looked so peaceful and happy that Carolyn found it hard to realize it was death she was looking upon. Eleanor took one or two deep breaths but otherwise showed no emotion at all. A few other students who had been in the chapel departed quietly when they saw “Stewart’s girlfriend” come
in, and in a short time Carolyn too slipped out unobtrusively, leaving Eleanor alone with her dead.