Not Yet (11 page)

Too
damn
good.

Thank God for my big, round, Jackie O style
sunglasses, or the constant ogling would have creeped him out for
sure. I had lost all self-discipline around this man.

We kept it very professional at work, saving all of
our sexual energy for nights. We hadn’t actually had sex. Landon
wanted to. I knew that just by watching his expression when we
fooled around, but I wasn’t ready to rush into anything more. I had
only been with Jeremy, and I had only gone to that place after we
said we were in love with each other. Or, at least, I thought we
were in love. But, real, deep, true love taught you about life. It
left you changed, marked. All Jeremy taught me was that sex lasts
for about thirty seconds, and that he was ready to leave at the
first sign of a problem and run right into the arms of slutty
sorority girls.

Landon and I hadn’t said anything about love. I
wasn’t sure what I felt for him, but I knew I had begun to care for
him deeply. I discovered that he was strong, sensitive, kind, and
funny. He was—to me—the whole package. So much the whole package
that it scared me.

He treated me with respect and consummate attention.
He worshiped my body when we were alone. He knew just how to touch
me to weaken my knees and have me calling his name out loudly. The
passion I felt with him was one that I thought only existed in my
books. I physically hurt whenever he was near me but not touching
me in some way. And I wondered how a nineteen-year-old college
sophomore could do that to me…

Along with connecting physically, I opened up
emotionally to Landon more and more each day. We became true
friends. Landon approached me one evening, as I sat by the pool,
watching one of the last families left playing in the water.

The mom was holding her toddler, splashing and
laughing, as the dad tossed the other two kids in the air, catching
them and tickling their bellies. The kids laughed so hard, I
thought they might choke. I couldn’t help but giggle quietly, just
watching the love and humor between the group. Landon sat next to
me and bumped his shoulder against mine. “Whatcha thinkin’, short
stuff?”

I smiled at my nickname, now finding it adorable
instead of annoying, and pointed to the group. “They are so… happy.
The dad—I can’t stop watching him. He’s so loving, so into them. I…
I’ve never known anything like that.”

Landon frowned and whispered to me, “Cause your dad
left? You never met him later on?”

I shook my head slowly. “No. I’ve never met him once.
How could he love his family and then leave and never come back?
Ever. Not just leave us, but he never called, never wrote. It’s a
complete black hole. Landon, I’m twenty-one years old, and I have
absolutely no idea who my father is. It’s a total mind-fuck.”

I looked back down at the water, speaking softly.
“That sure doesn’t seem like love.”

“No. No, it doesn’t. But I’ll tell you. My dad has
never abandoned his armchair, let alone his family, and I’ve never
known love like that, either. He never played with me, never teased
me, never wrestled or even hugged me. I call him
sir
, I obey
him, and I play football to please him. Our relationship is as
empty as if he wasn’t really my father. He’s really more of a drill
instructor.”

Landon looked deeply hurt as he spoke. I linked his
fingers with mine and squeezed. His eyebrows raised and he grinned.
I had a “no affection in public” rule. But some rules needed to be
broken.

“Well, look at us. We are each a little bit broken by
our dads. Have you thought about what kind of father you want to be
some day?” I smiled at the kids in the pool as I waited for
Landon’s response. He rarely spoke about his family, but our
relationship grew deeper each day.

And now he was trusting me with his heart.

“Hell, yes. All the time. I want to be the kind of
father that adores his children. I want them to know they were
loved before I even held them. I want to show my father what being
a real dad looks like. I want him to see me with my kids and
finally get it. Really know how badly he screwed up… and what he
missed out on.” Landon’s voice cracked as he finished speaking.
This was something he had given much thought to.

“You will. I believe that completely. You’ll be a
great dad one day.” I had no business saying that, but I had grown
to know who Landon really was, and I could see the kind of soul
that existed under that macho façade.

“And I will settle for nothing less than love and
devotion from the future father of my kids. I want that.” I pointed
out the group in the pool. “For them and for me.”

“You’ll get it, short stuff. I know you will. If you
don’t already know this about yourself, you’re pretty determined
when you want something.” I laughed and he helped me up from the
ledge to start shutting down the pool for the night.

An hour later, his arms wrapped around me and he
rested his chin on my shoulder. “Smells fantastic. What’s for
dinner?”

“Fajitas.” I turned my head around to catch his
expression and winked.

“You know, I think you’re making me all this Mexican
food because you want your promised dessert. Is that what’s going
on here?” Landon began nibbling and sucking on my neck and I rested
my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes in bliss.

“Umm… what was that? I can’t really focus right now.
But please keep doing exactly what you’re doing.”

Landon laughed against my neck and broke away to set
the table.

“Uh uh. No dessert for you until you eat a good
dinner. There are rules here, short stuff. You need to follow
them.” Landon carried the food to the table as I dished up the
fajita meat and vegetables in a big bowl.

“Awww. Cute! It’ll be like this for me and Garrett.”
Evie had walked into the kitchen and smiled brightly as she watched
Landon and I prepare dinner and tease one another. She had loved
having him join us for dinner each night. She thought of Landon as
her friend too, and she basked in the attention he gave her. She
also noticed how happy I was and knew that was because of
Landon.

“What do you mean, Evie?” We all sat at the table,
and I took a sip of water, watching her curiously.

“When we movein togever.” Evie was focused on filling
her fajita with chicken, sour cream, and cheese, and as little
vegetables as possible. I looked up and frowned at Landon.

“Eves, Mom talked to you about this already. She’s
requested a female roommate for you when you get your own place.
Garrett lives with Ed.”

Evie swallowed a big bite of food before speaking.
“We’re in love. We want to be togever.”

Landon and I looked at each other for a moment,
unsure of how to proceed. Evie knew she had challenges that made
her different from other people. She knew she attended a different
kind of a school than I did, and she understood that those
challenges made her unable to drive like I could and required her
to live with a helper when I didn’t have to. But love? No one could
or would tell her that she couldn’t love someone like everyone else
could. Now, living with that someone? That was new territory for
people with disabilities, and I didn’t know exactly what to
say.

“I know you love him and he loves you. But moving in
together is a very big step. You have to be totally sure before you
go there. It’s a good idea to have a roommate first and be
independent before you even start thinking about living with
Garrett.”

Evie scowled darkly at me. “No.” She took another
large bite and studied her plate.

Landon sought my permission with his eyes and I
nodded. Have at it, buddy. I had pissed her off and Evie was
unbelievably hard-headed when she was mad.

“You know, I’ve met Garrett. He’s an awesome guy.”
Evie looked up to Landon and nodded carefully. “As a guy myself, I
can tell you, I’d want my girlfriend to be absolutely sure and
totally ready before we moved in together.” Evie narrowed her eyes
at him in frustration.

“Because, Evie, if Garrett is like me, and I bet he
is, when I love a girl, it’s forever. And when I move in with her,
I’ll never leave her. So, I bet Garrett wants you to live with a
friend for a while and then when it’s time, it’ll happen. Don’t
give up. No one’s saying no. They’re just saying,
not yet
.”
My heart swelled as I heard his words. He hadn’t told me he loved
me because he considered those words sacred. If he did say them to
me, he would mean it wholeheartedly. I could trust in that. God, he
was a really, really good guy.

Evie jumped up and threw her arms around Landon’s
neck and he hugged her back tightly. “I like you,” Evie told Landon
and tears burned in the back of my eyes. Evie was so hard to get
through to when she was upset. But Landon could talk to her like a
guy, something none of us had ever had in our lives before. He
helped her when she needed him. He was special, and he was
everything I never knew I needed in my life.

***

“IT’S OFFICIAL. YOU are a vagina. A walking,
talking, six foot tall vagina—right before my damn eyes,” Dean
blurted out. He closed his eyes and shook his head in pseudo
distress.

I reached over and pushed him off his deck chair onto
the patio floor. “Fuck you dude, it was just a party. One of many.
Been there, done that.”

Dean snorted and slapped the back of my head as he
got back up. “If you had a good excuse, I’d get it. But you skipped
Cammie’s big blowout to hang out with a couple of kids with Down
syndrome? What the fuck?”

“Not that I owe you an explanation for how I spend my
own damn time, but Emma and I drove her sister Evie, who has Downs,
and her boyfriend Garrett, who does not have Downs—he has other
developmental disabilities—to a dance.” I took a long pull from my
beer and watched various moronic emotions flash across Dean’s
face.