Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (2 page)

We finally decided to write this book when Heather, twenty-six, e-mailed us about what she thought was a life-altering dating experience. Heather had met a really cute guy at an upscale bar the night before. The next day he had texted her three times before 5 p.m. We were impressed. Three times? “Yeah, I lost my phone. By the time I found it after work the next day, there were three texts from him. The first message was ‘hey, it’s Cory from last night, great meeting you, text me back when you get a chance.’ The second was ‘are you doing anything tonight?’ And the third said, ‘are you free this weekend?’ I can’t believe I got asked out on a date this soon, I guess he really likes me!”

We told Heather to text him back that night, “Hey, nice
meeting you too. This weekend is great.” She did not
have to
divulge that she lost her phone. This way Cory would think that she had other things going on besides him, so he could get used to having to pin her down. Once you text a new guy back immediately, he begins to expect it all the time and the thrill of the chase is gone.

Had she not lost her phone, Heather and Cory would probably have texted back and forth all day and he might have gotten bored and not have been so quick to ask her out. But not having instant access was a breath of fresh air and made him act fast. Heather got to know right away how this guy felt instead of
wondering
how he felt, and also wondering why all the marathon text chatting wasn’t leading to a date! What
Not Your Mother’s Rules
can do for you is similar to the effect of losing your phone for a few hours here and there. It will help you create an air of mystery and a rare longing from guys.

We also felt compelled to write this book because many of the women who used
The Rules
to get married almost twenty years ago want to see their friends, sisters, and nieces in healthy relationships, or at least not getting hurt unnecessarily by men. They want other women to experience the same happiness they themselves found by dating with self-esteem and boundaries. Older women who are divorced and now back in the dating game or women who have never been in a
Rules
relationship often call us to say how confused they are about e-mailing, texting, and other technology, so we wrote this book to help them as well.

Additionally, many mothers are understandably nervous about how to deal with their daughters dating and feel helpless or out of touch (“She never tells me anything!”). We have
also written this book for them, including a special chapter teaching them to help their daughters do
The Rules
without forcing it on them. Our
Rules for Mothers
will help them encourage their daughters to confide in them and ask for advice instead of shutting them out of their lives. We hope all women, especially daughters and mothers, bond over this book!

Remember,
The Rules
are an ageless, timeless recipe for romantic relationships. Follow
The Rules
and you get a guy who is crazy about you. Break
The Rules
and you get heartache. Whether you are eighteen or twenty-eight or forty-eight years old, we believe all the answers to your dating dilemmas can be found in this book. Not sure how to act or how to dress on dates? See
Rule #1
and
Rule #2
about being and looking like a Creature Unlike Any Other. Not sure when and how to text a guy back? See
Rule #6
, with our tried-and-true reply timetable. Not sure about splitting the check or how long to Skype or what to write on a guy’s wall? See our chapters on not buying his love (
Rule #19
), long-distance relationships (
Rule #15
), and Facebook (
Rule #10
). We’ve covered it all! We’ve also included special commentary from our daughters, who grew up with
The Rules
and can help you apply them to a younger generation and the latest technology. Sometimes a twentysomething can best understand what another twentysomething is going through. We felt it was essential that our daughters weigh in with their unique perspective on the dating dilemmas facing their age group.

If you want to get the full benefit of this book, don’t just read it—read it over and over again. Study it like a textbook. You might even want to highlight sentences that help you remember each
Rule
. You might want to meet up with other
Rules
-minded girlfriends on a regular basis to discuss the
book and go over your dating problems and our answers as a group—there is strength in numbers! You might want to tear out key pages to put in your bag so you can quickly glance at them in the bathroom on dates.

Without further ado, we present
Not Your Mother’s Rules!

A
S THE DAUGHTERS
of the authors of
The Rules
, we wanted to add a little of our own observations and experience in applying
The Rules
to new times and advancing technology. After all, it only makes sense to include our opinions in a book meant, at least in part, to help people in our generation! Obviously, we are not the relationship experts, but we have learned what dating should be like by watching our moms give women everywhere these successful tools for dating. We’ve heard about every issue you can imagine and how our moms recommended handling them—by now, we pretty much have
The Rules
ingrained as part of our DNA! For us,
The Rules
is not a game you play to catch a guy, but a way of life.

Would we be
Rules
Girls if our mothers
hadn’t
written the book? Totally! Does that mean we never disagree or argue with them? Definitely not. Our moms have never pushed this way of dating on us, but we both have traditional values and believe in old-fashioned courtship, even today. Guys should
always pursue girls first—because it works. The fact that our moms wrote
The Rules
makes us more knowledgeable about the subject, but that’s about it. We have seen for ourselves that girls in real life—and on TV or in movies—who chase guys don’t feel good about themselves and usually end up getting hurt or dumped.

We have grown up with texting, Facebook, FaceTime, Skype, Gchat, Twitter, and a whole bunch of other social networking sites. We know that all this instant communication has made dating harder and more confusing. However, we have watched girls make grave errors with guys by writing all over their Facebook walls, tweeting at them, texting them 24/7—we’ve even seen a few stage 5 clingers, which we promise never ends well.

We all know what it’s like to have a huge crush or fall hard for a guy, and not be able to get him off your mind. Obviously that’s why all anyone talks about is dating! Invest your time and get busy with school, work, friends, hobbies, sports, and clubs—not just with guys. Do something you can be proud of for yourself.

Sprinkled throughout the book, you’ll find our opinions on topics our moms just can’t really relate to as well as we can: tips for keeping yourself from texting a guy, how to deal with a study-abroad relationship, what the deal is with Foursquare, handling a Facebook birthday invite situation, and much more! Our moms wouldn’t even know where to begin with some of this stuff!

The sooner you start learning and doing
The Rules
, the better. We have seen far too many dating heartaches and wouldn’t want any of that happening to you!

I
F YOU’RE READING
this chapter, you are probably wondering how you can help your daughter with dating, no matter how old she is. You are an important part of this book—you can influence her in a way no one else can! In fact, during consultations we always ask our clients, “What does your mother think of this relationship?” because we value her opinion and perspective. Perhaps you have tried to help by giving your daughter a copy of
The Rules.
Perhaps you have tried to lead by example, by being
Rules
-y in your own relationships. Mothers have written to us or scheduled consultations about their daughters. Many were frustrated watching them break
Rules
or act out or by the way their boyfriends were treating them. Sometimes they are concerned that their daughters have no boyfriends at all. But like with anything else, these mothers sometimes have to wait until their daughters are ready to listen. We tell them the same things we tell clients: in order for
The Rules
to help, their
daughters have to
want
to use them, and they must trust their mothers to steer them on the right path.

The first and most important thing you can do to help your daughter is to be there for her. We have interviewed hundreds of young women and have come to the conclusion that those who became promiscuous or acted out sexually did so because they did not get enough attention, affection, or approval growing up. As part of our private consultations, we offer childhood and dating history sessions and have been shocked to find out how many of our clients who have trouble dating had disapproving or absentee mothers. Some mothers rarely hugged their daughters or gave loving or encouraging words, or were too busy and just not home that much. There were few bedtime stories, brownie-baking sessions, or back rubs. Some mothers were even resentful that they had to work full-time and raise a daughter, so they treated her like a burden or nuisance. Others were just having a difficult time of their own, whether divorce, a serious illness, or something else, and did the best they could. Obviously, we feel that daughters would grow up a lot better if their mothers showered them with praise and love.

Jillian, thirty-three, who recently found
The Rules
, told us that her mother was so emotionally uninterested in her that she never felt attractive or desirable. In college and in her twenties, she was flattered by the slightest interest from guys, like her married boss and guys who never asked her out. She had little or no interest in guys who
did
like her, because she was so obsessed with the ones who didn’t. We spent hours helping her recover from her mother’s indifference and teaching her our motto to “love only those who love you.” We suggested she join a
Rules
support group so she could meet other
Rules
Girls who cared about her situation and stop bad dating patterns. We sent her e-mail links to pretty clothes and gave her advice on how to act on dates. Years after having given up on dating, Jillian joined an online dating website and started to go to clubs and parties. She is now in a serious relationship with a guy who spoke to her first and texts her, “Good morning Gorgeous!” every day.

If you are a mother who has been too busy for your daughter for whatever reason and she seems to have gone astray or you are afraid she might, the solution is love, love, love! All you need is love! If she lives at home, start hugging her today and every day going forward. It is never too late to show affection. Rub her back, brush her hair, kiss her cheek—daughters need to be fussed over. Every day that you hug your daughter is insurance that she won’t be looking for love in all the wrong places. She’s getting affection either from you or some stranger. Let it be you! Physical contact is
that
important. We know you are busy, between work and cleaning and paying bills and checking e-mails on your cell phone, but it takes only a minute to text your daughter in the middle of the day. Have lunch with her, go see a chick flick together, or take her shopping! Everyone is busy, everyone has long to-do lists, and no one has any time, but if you don’t make time for your daughter now, she will have plenty of time for trouble. It’s never too late to be a good mom.

How can you spend time with her if she’s not around? If she’s in college, ask if there is a weekend or weekday when her workload is light and you can visit. Volunteer to take her friends out to dinner so you can get to know them, which will help you better understand her. If she’s working, do the same: see if there’s a day off or weekend that you could make a girls’ day for just you two. Don’t beg or burden her if she
can’t make the time; just letting her know you want to will help her see that you care.

If you are a single mother, you may feel that your love alone is not enough. Don’t worry about that. A child
can
thrive with only one loving parent. One of our clients had a rageaholic father who never said a kind word to her, but her mother showered her with compliments and kisses. She married someone who tells her she is beautiful all the time! So don’t think your daughter is seriously disadvantaged because you’re her only loving parent. You alone can make a difference.

Further, if you want your daughter to date with self-esteem, you need to practice what you preach! In addition to following
The Rules
, that means not introducing her to every Tom, Dick, and Harry you meet. Wait until you are in a serious, committed, and exclusive relationship before having your daughter meet anyone. Keep the first meeting brief and lengthen them gradually.

Remember that young women can be sensitive and needy. You should to give them attention so they don’t feel cast aside or on their own. Making your boyfriend overly important at their expense is a terrible mistake. It’s a balancing act, but you have to figure out a way to make your child feel loved.

At the same time, exercise some restraint. If your daughter is twenty-five or thirty years old and you don’t like the way she dresses or the guys she dates, be careful not to criticize her too much; she will be much more likely to come to you if she ever needs help. If she thinks you are judgmental or controlling, she will rebel or be secretive. There is only so much you can control once your daughter reaches a certain age, so tread softly.

We all know mothers who are overly involved in their
daughters’ lives. They live vicariously through their daughters, wanting them to be beauty pageant queens or the most popular girl in high school. Or they friend their daughters’ girlfriends and guy friends and boyfriend on Facebook, even when their daughters specifically asked them not to. These examples of over involvement, intrusiveness, and excessive attention are not healthy either. Being an “agent” mom or “friend” mom is better than being an absentee mom, but it can still backfire. A teenager needs love more than she needs to be pushed to have perfect grades or long fake eyelashes or to be cheer captain. Is that what
she
wants? She can make her own decisions and has to make her own mistakes. The best thing for you to do is be there when she needs you—to advise her, to console her, and to celebrate with her. But it’s her life. If she grows up too fast, she will have a hole in her soul that she will want to fill with bad relationships.