Notes From Underground (2 page)

The destruction of our village was not reported in the press. All we were told was that we had been relocated “for economic reasons.” As the family of a criminal we were entitled only to an undivided space with a kitchen and toilet, in a block made of cast concrete panels near the Gottwaldova Metro station, named, then, after the thug who led the Communist Party to power in 1948. Mother was given a job as cleaner in a paper factory down in the valley: they paid her next to nothing, but since the factory was producing next to nothing, there were no grounds for complaint. That, we were made to understand, is what socialism means. My sister and I were put in the local school, where we learned some math and science. But our teachers were informed of our criminal connections, and took care to avoid us. We were shunned, too, by our classmates, and when Ivana finished high school and left to work in a shoe factory near Brandýs nad Orlicí, in the Pardubice region, I began a life of isolation.

Mother had made friends with an under-manager at the paper factory, and had been promoted to senior caretaker. She often spent her evenings with her protector, which I didn't begrudge her, for she did not deserve the joyless life to which events had condemned her. Despite the under-manager, mother remained faithful in her feelings to Dad, mourning him quietly, and treating his few possessions with a special reverence. Among these possessions was a collection of long-playing records, including the operas of Janá
č
ek in Supraphon versions from the 1960s, and some gloomy abstract pictures that Dad had painted as a student after the war. There was also a trunk of books—not large by bibliophile standards, but occupying
the central space in our narrow room, and used in the evenings to support the plank from which we ate. They had taken Dad's manuscripts, and a packet of letters; but they had left the books, maybe in the hope that a fresh batch of criminals would spring from them, and a fresh series of arrests.

In the trunk, I found the Czech classics—Mácha, Neruda, Vrchlický, N
ě
mcová, Hašek—and beneath them the guilty texts that had destroyed my father. I read them avidly, and was especially thankful that Dad had taught us to read in English and German, devoting an hour before supper each day to the task. There was Kafka's
Trial
and
Castle
, the first in an old German edition with a foreword by Max Brod; there was
The Radetzky March
by Joseph Roth and Zweig's
Die Welt von Gestern
—
The World of Yesterday
—describing what we had lost when President Wilson decided to dismember the Austro-Hungarian Empire, and to liberate the Czechs and Slovaks from their alleged oppressors.

Zweig evoked an enchanted world, ordered towards comfort and high culture. He told me that I lived in a place where everything reliable and good had been twice destroyed, like pieces in a peaceful game of chess swept to the floor by the hand of some passing sadist. And he wrote of a spiritual force that had rotted things from within: the religion of Progress, which forbade humanity to stand still, not even for a moment, making it a sin to enjoy the luminous present and all the depths that shine in it, as they shone for me in those two Mahler symphonies—5 and 6—that had acquired a special place in Dad's collection of records. But it occurred to me that Dad, too, had subscribed to this religion, believing, after the Nazi defeat, in a new order of things, in which electricity and abstract painting, surrealist poetry and cooperative farms, education and reinforced concrete, were all mixed together as on a celebratory stamp, to stick to our country and post it into the future. And it was because he had dreamed of this future, in which all conflicts would be resolved
and every human being would have a share, that Dad had become a teacher, only to watch in good-natured dismay as the hand of the sadist once again swept all the pieces from the table.

The trunk also contained a complete set of Dostoevsky in Czech, from which one title stood out as though addressed to me directly:
Notes from Underground
. This was the book that I would carry with me after school, when I took the steps down from the Metro station into the valley, along a narrow path to the railway crossing, and then over the polluted stream called Boti
č
, to the chapel of the Holy Family below the Nusle steps.

The chapel—a tiny box with a pepperpot cap—was boarded up, with barbed wire wrapped around the windows. It was a piece of flotsam in the ocean of unowned spaces that the Communists had created. Some maples were growing above it, hemmed in by the steps and the torn fence of wire above the railway, on which trains plunged into a tunnel a few yards below. This place was my destination, because nobody else would visit it save a few squirrels, a starling or two, and God. Here I would sit in all weathers on the damp earth under the trees, studying the text that promised an explanation not only of Dad's momentous crime but also of me.

I spent many hours thus, rehearsing my longed-for identity as the underground man. But I could never remember anything of the book apart from the title and its strange cantankerous tone of voice. Each day I would carry back with me to our cramped little room—where Mother slept on one side of the trunk and I on the other—a summary of the last ten pages. And each day the memory of them would seep away, as though I were trying to fill an uphill pool from a leaking bucket. Of course, the atmosphere remained, and with it the knowledge that there is another life, a life belowground where Dad lay buried and where the rules of daylight don't apply. I felt some of the extremism of Dostoevsky's prose—the rage that condemns each feeling as a fake. But what was the alternative? I was a lonely
adolescent, in a lonely country, where the rules were made for the sake of people who did not pay the cost of them. Our daylight world was one of slogans in which no one believed, of vague prohibitions and joyless celebrations of our benign enslavement. It was a world without friendship, in which every gathering was an object of suspicion, and in which people spoke in whispers for fear that even the most innocent remark could accuse the speaker of a crime.

I left high school and, although not allowed to graduate, I was required by law to take a job. I applied for a position as sweeper with the City Council, and was assigned a length of street in Smíchov: two hundred meters of broken pavement behind the Husovy sady, the orchard of Jan Hus, from which I had to gather the rubbish into an adjacent bin on wheels, and which I was to keep clear of snow in the winter. It was not a demanding job, and no one bothered me as I leaned against my bin and imagined the world away. But it was at this time that I began those travels underground that led at last to Mother's arrest.

THE PRAGUE METRO
was of recent construction and the Communists were proud of it. It was a symbol of progress in a city whose beauty and antiquity were a standing offense to the proletarian future. Moreover, its rolling stock was made in the Soviet Union and had the same machine-age look as the dams, chimneys, and pylons on the hundred crown note, four of which I received each fortnight in a rough brown envelope that had been initialed and rubber-stamped by Mr. Krutský, the district superintendent. I traveled to work on the Metro and then, because my work finished at midday, I would go back and forth on a single ticket, changing trains and sometimes staying underground for two hours at a time before taking the Red Line out towards Gottwaldova.

The silence of our world was more intense underground. Even at rush hour, when the cars were full and people stood holding the handrails and staring past each other's ears, there was no noise apart from the roar of the train and the automated voice that told us that the doors were closing. Nobody exchanged greetings or apologies; no face smiled or departed in the slightest particular
from the mask that everyone adopted, as the instinctive sign of a blameless inner emptiness, from which no forbidden thought could ever emerge.

Some passengers would be reading. A few read the sports and TV pages of
Rudé právo
or
Mladá fronta
; one or two read the official weeklies. Some read the permitted novels that would appear each Thursday in nicely printed hardcover editions. Once or twice I would catch sight of a foreign text, concealed in a paper wrapper and hastily put away when strange eyes fell upon it. And a few old people would occupy themselves with shabby editions of the classics, N
ě
mcová's
Babi
č
ka
or Jan Neruda's stories of Malá Strana, the Little Side, describing the life that once flowed in those ancient streets around the Castle.

It took me a couple of years to get through Dad's library. After a while, I started to take notes. I would write down phrases, sometimes single words, that seemed to sound in that underground silence with a special force. There was a phrase from Kafka's diaries that particularly struck me:
the true path
, it said,
is a tight rope, stretched just above the ground
. I sat pondering that phrase for an hour, wondering what it was telling me. My own path was also a tight rope; but it was stretched belowground, and the interludes of daylight bore no relation to the steps that I took. And another phrase:
the wish for an unthinking, reckless solitude.
The solitude that I saw around me was conscious, premeditated, and full of timidity. The idea of a reckless solitude filled me with warmth, as though I were not alone in my loneliness, but embraced by it. And because I had discovered this phrase in a book, a book that might have been published in the wake of that Writers' Union Congress in 1967, when the all-too-obvious things about Kafka's country were being all-too-obviously said, but which was not published then and was soon unpublishable in any case, it had a special authority for me. Such phrases were the proof of my inner reality, and they could never be taken away.

Life underground is ordered in its own way. There are two voices: the inner voice of thought, which constantly changes in response to the page in front of you, and the public voice, to which no personality attaches, but which announces the opening and the closing of the doors. A toneless female voice governed the Green Line, a toneless male voice the Red.

“
Ukon
č
ete výstup a nástup, dve
ř
e se zavírají.
”

“Stop getting on and off, the doors are closing.” Later, after the changes, when the blank mask of subservience had been replaced by the blank smile of commerce, the word “please,” found its way into the message: “
Ukon
č
ete prosím výstup a nástup, dve
ř
e se zavírají
.”

I am struck by this because, in that little word, “please,” is summarized all that separates the days that I am describing from the days in which I write.

My underground journeys, in those times of hiding, were ordered by short sharp barks of command. They were the voice of daylight, dividing and fragmenting our spells in the tomb. My thoughts took on a new urgency whenever they sounded: they reminded me that I did not belong to the world above, that I had cast off its rules and its goals, and that my life was here inside me, protected by my own personal strategies from whatever the rules required. In some way, I was mortifying that voice by my refusal to credit its authority. The whole bleak system of commands that spoke through it, and which reached to the perimeter of my being, was brought to nothing by the countervailing force of my thinking.

But what was I thinking? For a year or more I knew only that I was thinking, and thinking hard, and that my thoughts isolated and protected me. My life was one of neat, closed beginnings, like a book of preludes. I was living in the catacombs, worshipping strange gods, the close companion of martyrs and outcasts. Distant murmurs in the darkness suggested the presence of others like me, people who were breathing the same exhausted air, and whose thoughts were
drifting along the same forbidden tracks. Of course, I had a view of my situation. When I thought of Dad, a kind of gasping disgust besieged me. My throat became dry as though I had swallowed some of the dust that had choked him to death, and a lump formed in my stomach, so that sometimes I bent over and fought back the desire to vomit. What I felt was beyond anger, beyond resentment. It was an existential feeling, like the nausea that Sartre describes in the novel that I had found in the trunk, in an English translation heavily marked by Dad's pencil. And over the months, my thoughts began to crystallize.

I came to the conclusion that the daylight world was not a world of outward oppression, that the stuff we heard on Radio Free Europe about our condition was really the most superficial propaganda and that the “evil empire” in whose grip we were held was an empire of our own devising. Two years after I discovered Dostoevsky's book, I began to understand its purport. The real slavery, he was telling us, is a disease of the will, a kind of self-entrapment, whereby we build up for ourselves expectations that we know will be defeated. For instance, there was Dad's hope that, by establishing a group in our little town to read those not-quite-forbidden classics, he would find a way out of the maze—a hope that he knew to be nonsense, and which therefore held him in a vise-like grip of self-contradiction, all the time that he waited for that fatal knock at the door. For instance, there was the habit I had acquired of writing letters to the Minister of Justice, demanding my constitutional right to a higher education—letters to which I received, and expected, no reply, and yet which served to perpetuate an irrational belief in miracles. For instance, there was Mother's absurd belief that she could, with the under-manager's support, get permission to travel to Yugoslavia, on one of those holidays from which people regularly escaped to the West—a belief that caused her to look always with despair on the few scant savings she had made, and which would sometimes cause
her to weep bitter tears of frustration, as though it were only the lack of money that prevented us from traveling.