Nothing Is Terrible (29 page)

“You seem to have pulled your tibialis posterior,” she said on that morning.

“I think you should get a job,” I said.

“And what makes you think I do not have a job?”

“I don’t see you going off to work every day.”

“And what if I were to say that you are my job?”

“I’d say that’s not enough. You yourself said a few hours ago that you don’t know what to do with yourself.”

“Oh, don’t quote me. I hate when you quote me.”

“You could teach.”

“Teach.”

“Teach.”

“Absolutely out of the question.”

“Why, because seven years ago you seduced an eleven-year-old on the job?”

“Yes.”

“Bullshit.”

“Don’t say ‘bullshit’ in an argument with me. The naughty word has no special argument-winning powers with me.”

“Both of us need jobs,” I said.

“Your job should be to get a high school diploma.”

“And yours?”

“I think I would like to be the mother of your child.”

“Holy shit.”

“There she goes again, bringing the naughty word into the conversation.”

“No, do you really want to?”

“Yes.”

“How would we do it?”

“Don’t tell me I forgot to teach you about the birds and bees.”

“Wow. I’m, like, blown away here.”

“Think about it.”

“I am. I’m thinking about it like crazy.”

“But I will not raise a child in an unstable family environment. Therefore, if you decide that child-rearing is something
you would like to do, you must tell me a few things for certain,” Skip Hartman said to me.

“Such as?”

“Will you ever go back to Mittler?”

“No.”

“How can you be sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Will you stay with me until I die?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“And will you love me?”

“Yes.”

Reader, that’s it, basically. I mean, basically, that’s it. That’s all she wrote, so to speak. Thank you very much for your interest and indulgence. Okay, wait, there’s one more thing. That conversation I just reported to you? For once in my life I am certain beyond an unreasonable doubt that what I have transcribed is exactly what was spoken on that occasion. I will give it again to make it stick:

“Will you love me?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said.

“And will you stay with me until I die?”