Nothing Left to Lose (11 page)

After a little
while my stomach growled angrily, obviously chastising me for not
waiting until after dinner before making my scene. I sighed and
shook my head before getting up and searching out my sketchpad and
charcoal before settling on the floor.

Sometime later,
there was a knock at my door. “Go away!” I shouted.

Without
permission, the door opened and Ashton walked in, smiling
sheepishly. “Hey, I know you said go away but I’ve got something
for you.”

I scowled at
the intrusion. “Unless it’s a bottle of vodka, I don’t want
it.”

“It’s better
than a bottle of vodka,” he replied.

My interest was
now piqued. “Really, what is it?”

He smiled and
sat down next to me, crossing his long legs. He brought his arm out
from behind his back and plopped a plate down in front of me. I
gasped when I saw what it was, my mouth already filling with saliva
at the thought of it. Chocolate fudge cake.

“You should’ve
stuck around, the food was good,” he teased, smiling at me.

I burst into a
fit of embarrassed giggles. “I’m really sorry about that, I can’t
believe they did that, and then I said – well, you heard what I
said. I’m sorry,” I apologised, grimacing.

He shrugged
easily. “Hey, it could have been worse; at least you said I was a
good fuck.”

Another round
of giggles escaped as my face flamed with heat. “Sorry,” I muttered
when I regained control of myself.

“No probs. I
thought your dad was gonna kill me though. The look on his face!”
he winced, shaking his head but looking amused at the same
time.

“What did they
say about me when I left?” I asked, cutting a chunk off the cake
he’d brought.

“Not much, it
was a little awkward. They mostly apologised for jumping to
conclusions. They mean well; they’re just worried about you. I
think they’re hoping that you’re going to get better, that there’s
some magical cure out there and that one day you’re going to wake
up and be their little girl again.”

“I’m not that
girl anymore,” I muttered, eating the last mouthful of cake.

“I know that. I
think they got their hopes up though.”

I nodded. I
knew they wanted a quick fix, but I needed them to understand that
I was broken and that no amount of fixing would ever make me right.
There was always going to be a piece missing. Ashton cleared his
throat.

“Listen, I’m
sorry about earlier. What I did in the gym, I shouldn’t have done
that, and I promise I’ll never do it again. It’s just that you were
upset and I wanted to comfort you. It just happened, that’s all. I
didn’t mean anything by it,” he said uncomfortably.

“Let’s just
forget it, okay?” I suggested, shrugging it off.

He smiled
gratefully. “Thanks.” He looked down and gasped. “Holy crap, that’s
awesome!” he cried suddenly, picking up my sketchpad.

I looked down
too; I had no idea what I had drawn because I wasn’t really paying
attention. I looked at the page. It was the deck on the lake with
the little row boat tied to the side of it; Ashton was standing on
the deck running a hand through his hair. I gulped, embarrassed
that I’d drawn a picture of him, half naked, and he’d seen it.

“This is
incredible. You’re really talented, Anna. You want to be an artist
or something?” he asked with wide eyes.

I nodded. “Yeah
I guess.”

He was staring
at the picture in apparent awe. “I’ve never had anyone draw me
before.”

“You can have
it if you want,” I offered, shrugging.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah sure, why
not,” I said dismissively, taking the sketchpad and tearing it
out.

He took it,
smiling gratefully. “How come you’re not in it?” he asked, looking
down at it again.

I shrugged.
“How could I be in it? That’s my point of view, I can’t see
myself.”

He smiled.
“Right yeah, didn’t think of that. I wish you were in it though,
that’d make the picture better.”

“Of course it
would because I’m
so
beautiful,” I joked, shaking my head in
amusement.

“Yeah, that’s
right. Anyway, I’d better get going to bed, it’s getting pretty
late.” He pushed himself up and was almost at the door when I
remembered the photo that he was using as a bookmark.

“Oh, Ashton,
wait, I’ve got something for you.” I crawled over to my desk drawer
and pulled out the photo frame and bookmark that I sorted out for
him earlier so that he wouldn’t have to ruin his photo. “Here.” I
plopped the two items into his hands.

He looked down
at them for a long time but didn’t speak.

I winced.
He
doesn’t like the frame.
“Sorry it’s a bit girly. You don’t have
to use it, I just thought it’d keep your photo safe, it obviously
means a lot to you for you to bring it with you, so…” I trailed
off, wishing I hadn’t given it to him in the first place.

His green eyes
met mine, seeming like he was struggling to understand something.
“This is great. Really thoughtful. Thank you, I love it.”

“No problem,” I
replied uncomfortably, looking away from his intense gaze.

“Well, I’ll see
you in the morning,” he mumbled as he walked out of the door.

“Yeah, good
night, and thanks for the cake,” I called, smiling gratefully.
After changing into pyjama shorts and tank top, I climbed into bed,
exhausted.

I’m sitting by
the side of the pool. My arm aches. I look down at the enormous
bruise that spreads across the top of my arm and covers my
shoulder.

“
There you
are, Princess,” Carter says. My insides squirm as he sits down
behind me on the lounge chair I’m stretched out on. “Mmm, you look
good today,” he purrs, slipping his hand inside my bikini top to
cup one of my breasts.

“
Carter,
please, my shoulder’s sore.”

He sighs
dejectedly and pulls me back so I’m leaning against his chest. His
other arm wraps around me, pinning me to him. “I love you,
Princess,” he whispers in my ear.

Disgust washes
over me and I struggle not to show it. “Love you too,” I choke out.
I hate saying the words; each one feels like it rips my heart out.
His arm tightens on me as he lets out a contented sigh and lies
back to soak up the Miami sunshine. I take a deep breath, knowing
this probably won’t end well, but I have to ask. “Carter, can I
call my mom? It’s her birthday today. Please, baby?” I beg, closing
my eyes.

His body
stiffens and he pulls his hand out of my bikini top quickly.
“Princess, for fuck’s sake, why do you have to ruin a perfectly
good moment by talking about them? I’m your family now, they’re
nothing to you! Why can’t you just be happy? I make you happy,
don’t I? I give you everything, but you’re so fucking ungrateful!”
he shouts, pushing me away from him and climbing off the sun
lounger. His angry eyes latch onto mine and I try not to
flinch.

I nod quickly.
“You make me happy, of course. I just thought I could say happy
birthday,” I reply quietly. Why, why did I do that? Why did I have
to bring them up again? So stupid, Anna!

His face
softens as he sighs and pushes me down on the sun lounger, climbing
on top of me. “Tell me you love me again,” he purrs, dipping his
head and kissing my neck.

“
I love
you,” I lie quickly, not missing a beat.

One of his
hands pushes down inside my bikini bottoms, and I bite the inside
of my cheek. “You’re so hot, Princess,” he moans appreciatively. I
close my eyes and turn my face away from his, not wanting to see
him enjoy himself. “Tell me you’ve only ever loved me,” he
instructs, tracing his tongue across the bruise on my shoulder.

My heart sinks
as my blood seems to turn into ice in my veins. He is testing me
again. “No,” I whisper. I won’t do that; I can’t do that to
Jack.

His head snaps
up, his eyes fill with rage. He looks so angry that I flinch. “Tell
me you never loved him, Princess,” he growls through his teeth.

I shake my
head sadly. “I can’t say that, Carter. I won’t,” I respond, knowing
that he will beat me for it; he always does when I fail the test,
but I can’t betray Jack like that. I hold my breath as he pulls his
arm back and punches me full in the face.

I bolted
upright, screaming. My breath was coming out in pants as I quickly
put my head between my knees.
Oh God, it was a dream! Just a
dream. It’s over,
I repeated over in my head.

My door slammed
open and Ashton ran in with his gun and knife in his hands again,
looking around my room. “You dreaming?” he asked, pointing his gun
around my room. I nodded, and he visibly relaxed. “Shit! You need
to stop doing this to yourself, I won’t let anyone hurt you, you
have nothing to worry about,” he said fiercely.

He knelt down
by the side of my bed, looking at me intently, taking my hand and
rubbing his thumb across the back of it soothingly while I
struggled to catch my breath.

When I calmed
down, I looked at him apologetically. He looked so worried and
concerned that I started to feel awful. “I’m sorry. I think you
should change rooms,” I suggested weakly.

He stood up and
walked quickly to the door. “I’ll be right back, okay?” he said as
he walked out.

He came back
less than a minute later with my book in his hand, wearing a pair
of faded jeans and a white T-shirt. I frowned, silently wondering
where he was going. Wordlessly, he gripped the back of my dresser
chair and dragged it to the side of the bed, plopping himself down
in it.

My eyes widened
as I realised what he was doing. “No! No way, not again! Go to bed,
Ashton, you’re not sitting in the chair all night again!” I
protested, shaking my head adamantly. It was incredibly sweet of
him, but he’d end up with a bad back if he sat up again all
night.

He shrugged
casually. “It’s fine, I’ll just sleep in the morning. We could make
this work; I could go to sleep when we get in from school and then
be up while you go to sleep in the night. It’ll work out fine,” he
assured me, smiling.

I almost choked
on air. He was offering to change his sleeping pattern because he
thought it would help me? Clearly I’d underestimated what a nice
guy he was. “No, just go to bed. This is my problem, not yours,” I
retorted, angry at myself for disrupting his sleep.

He chuckled and
shook his head. “It’s not up for debate. Now can you shush? I want
to see if James kills Bella,” he scolded, glaring at me jokingly. I
couldn’t help but laugh. He smiled. “Go to sleep, we’ll talk about
it in the morning, okay?”

I sighed and
flopped back into the bed, untangling myself from the sheets that
had wrapped around me while I’d had my nightmare. I was disgusted
with myself for being so screwed up that I was keeping someone else
awake all night. I glanced over at him; he was reading with a small
smile on his handsome face. It was hard to believe that real people
actually looked like him.

After about ten
minutes of trying, I couldn’t make myself fall asleep. I couldn’t
let him do this, it wasn’t fair on him. It was my fault, yet he was
paying for it. He’d probably end up falling asleep awkwardly again,
and his back would ache all day tomorrow. The only solution I could
see that might work was if I just let him sleep in here with me,
maybe that would stop the dreams and then he’d be able to sleep
too. The thought of him in my bed scared the life out of me. The
only guy I had ever slept in a bed with was Carter; I shuddered and
pushed the thoughts of him away quickly.

I took a deep
breath and sat up, scooting to the far side of the bed so I
wouldn’t be near him. “Ashton, just get in the bed,” I
instructed.

One of his dark
eyebrows rose in question. “Huh?”

I sighed
deeply, trying to keep my nerves under control. “Look, just get in
the bed, okay? I’m not letting you sit awake all night because I’m
some kind of freaking psycho. If you want to stay in here so I
don’t dream about him, then fine, but you’re not sitting in the
chair all night,” I said sternly. He looked completely unsure; his
wary expression told me that he thought I’d lost my mind. “Let’s
just give it a try, okay? If I can’t handle it then I’ll let you
know, but this just seems to be a good solution – one that involves
us both getting some sleep,” I encouraged, patting the empty side
for him to get in.

“But I really
wanted to know if Bella gets killed,” he whined jokingly.

I rolled my
eyes. “She’s in the next three books if that gives you a clue,” I
retorted, laughing.

He gasped and
looked at me with mock horror. “I can’t believe you just ruined the
end for me!” He moved and sat on the bed slowly, still watching my
face.

I laughed.
“Right, sorry about that, Pretty Boy.” I settled myself on the edge
of the bed, as far away from him as I could get without falling
out.

He lay down on
top of the sheets cautiously, watching my face the whole time. “You
sure this is okay? I mean, I don’t mind staying awake,” he
offered.

“Just stop
would you? It’s fine.”

He grinned and
reached over, turning off my bedside light so that darkness cloaked
my room. I gritted my teeth and tried to stay in control of myself.
It was weird being in a bed with him. He didn’t move. In fact, he
lay so still that I could barely tell he was there, apart from
hearing his breathing. The sound was comforting somehow. He was
lying as far away from me as he could get, on top of the sheets so
that I was pinned underneath. I had the distinct impression that he
was trying not to move in case he scared me. After a while, I
rolled onto my side trying to see if he was awake or asleep, but it
was too dark.

“You okay?” he
whispered, making me jump.

Okay, well
he’s awake, that answers that question!
“I’m fine, Pretty Boy,”
I promised. The mattress moved slightly, and the outline of his
figure shifted as he rolled to his side too. My body started to
react to him being so close to me – but not in the way I was
expecting it to. My stomach got a little fluttery and I started to
feel nervous. I wondered if he was going to touch me. A small part
of me actually pondered what it would feel like if he did.