Now and Forever (33 page)

"Lady, are you drunk?" The older man of the two looked hot and uncomfortable. He had thought she was hurt, or sick, with her head down on the steering wheel like that, and making such a racket with the horn. But here she was, drunk, or crazy, or stoned. He hadn't bargained on that. The younger man looked at her, shrugged his shoulders, and grinned.

Jessie shook her head slowly from side to side and said the only word she could focus on: "Ian."

"Sister, you stoned?" She didn't answer and the younger man shrugged again and grinned. "Must be good stuff."

"Ian."

"Who's Ian? Your boyfriend?"

Another blind shake of the head.

The two men looked at each other again and closed the door of the car. At least the horn wasn't blaring anymore, and she wouldn't sober up for hours. They walked away, the younger one amused, the older one less so.

"You sure she's stoned? She looks kind of mixed up to me. I mean like mixed-up sick. Kind a crazy."

"Stoned crazy." The younger man laughed, slapped his belly, and put his arm around his friend just as Astrid drove by and noticed them walking out of the driveway, laughing and looking pleased with themselves. She stopped the car and frowned as a ripple of fear ran up her spine. They didn't look like police, but ... they noticed her watching them and the younger man waved while the older one smiled. Astrid couldn't understand what was happening, but they slid into a red sedan and seemed to be taking their time. There was nothing furtive or rapid about their movements, and Astrid noticed Jessie in her rented car now. Everything was all right. Astrid honked. But Jessie didn't turn around. She honked again, and once more, and the two men broke into raucous laughter.

"Not you too, sister. The woman in that car is so loaded we had to peel her off the steering wheel just to get her off the horn." They waved vaguely toward Jessie's driveway, started their car, and pulled out of the parking space as Astrid hopped out of her car and ran into the driveway.

Jessie was still sitting there, crying and sobbing and holding her single word in her mouth. "Ian." Astrid wasn't so sure she was stoned. A little maybe, but not as much as she looked In shock maybe. Something had snapped.

"Jessica?" She slid an arm around her and spoke gently as Jessie slumped slightly in the seat. "Hi, Jessie, it's me, Astrid." Jessica looked at her and nodded. The two men were gone now. Everyone was gone. Even Ian.

"Ian." She said it more clearly now.

"What about Ian?"

"Ian."

Astrid wiped her face gently with a handkerchief.

"Tell me about Ian." Astrid's heart was pounding and she was trying to keep her mind clear and watch Jessica's eyes. She didn't think it was an overdose of pills. More like an overdose of trouble. Jessie had finally had enough.

"What about Ian, love? Tell me. Was he sick today?"

Jessica shook her head. At least he wasn't hurt. Astrid had thought of that first, with tales of prison horrors from the newspapers instantly coursing through her head. But Jessica had motioned no.

"Was something wrong?"

Jessica took a deep breath and nodded. She took another deep breath and leaned back against the seat a little.

"We ... we had ... a fight." The words were barely intelligible, but Astrid nodded.

"What about?"

Jessica shrugged, looking confused again. "Ian."

"What did you fight about, Jessie?"

"I ... I don't ... know."

"Do you remember?"

Jessica shrugged again and closed her eyes. "About ... everything... I think. We both ... said... terrible things. Over."

"Over what?" But she thought she knew.

"Over. All over."

"What's all over, Jessie?" Her voice was so gentle, and the tears poured down Jessica's face with fresh force.

"Our marriage is ... all... over ..." She shook her head dumbly and closed her eyes again. "Ian ..."

"It's not all over, Jessie. Just take it easy, now. You two probably just had a lot to get off your chests. You've been through a lot of rough times together lately. A lot of shocks. It had to come out." But Jessica shook her head.

"No, it's over. I ... I was so awful to him. I've always ... been awful to him. I ..." But then she couldn't speak anymore.

"Why don't we go inside so you can lie down for a while." Jessica shook her head and wouldn't move, and Astrid fought to get her attention. "Jessie, listen to me for a minute. I want to take you somewhere." The girl's eyes flew open in terror. "Someplace very nice, you'll like it. We'll go together."

"A hospital?"

Astrid smiled for the first time in five minutes. "No, silly. My mother's ranch. I think it would do you a lot of good, and ..."

Jessica shook her head stubbornly. "No ... I ..."

"What? Why not?"

"Ian."

"Nonsense. I'm going to take you down there, and you'll have a good rest. I think you've really had enough for a while. Don't you?"

Jessica nodded mutely with her eyes closed again.

"Jessie, did you take a lot of pills today?"

She started to shake her head and then stopped and shrugged.

"How many? Tell me."

"I don't know ... not sure."

"Just give me a rough idea. Two? Four? Six? Ten?" She prayed it wouldn't be that many.

"Eight... I don't know ... seven ... nine ..." Jesus.

"Are they in your bag?" Jessica nodded. And Astrid gently took her handbag from the seat. "I'm going to take them, Jessie, okay?" Jessica smiled then for the first time and took a long deep breath. She almost looked like herself again.

"Do I ... have a choice?" The two women laughed, one fuzzily and the other nervously, and Jessica let her friend help her inside. She wasn't so much stoned as wrung out. She let herself slide slowly into a chair in the living room and didn't even move as she listened to the sounds of Astrid bustling around the bedroom and bathroom. It was going to be so good to be away from it all, even from the sight of Ian behind the glass window. She knew then that she would never see him there again. She'd work the rest out later, but she already knew that. She heaved a deep sigh and went to sleep in the chair until Astrid woke her and led her out to the Jaguar.

Her bags had been packed, the house was locked up, and Jessie felt as though she were a small child again, well taken care of and greatly loved.

"What about the car?"

"The one you rented?" It still sat crookedly in the driveway. Jessica nodded. "I'll have someone pick it up later. Don't worry about it." Jessica didn't. It was part of the bliss of having money. Having "someone pick it up later." Anonymous faces and hands to do menial tasks. "And I called the girls at the shop and told them you were going away with me. You can call them yourself tomorrow and give them instructions."

"Who'll ... who'll ... you know, well, run it?" Everything was still jumbled in Jessica's head, and Astrid smiled and patted her cheek gently.

"I will. And I can hardly wait. What a treat, a vacation for you and a job for me." Jessica smiled and looked more like herself again.

"And the fall line?"

Astrid raised an eyebrow in surprise as she started the car.

"You must be sobering up. I'll send Katsuko, with your permission. I'll take care of the finances of it, and you can pay me back later." Jessica shook her head and looked back at her friend. The brief nap had sobered her.

"I can't pay you back later, Astrid. Lady J is fighting just to survive. That's one of the reasons nobody's gone to New York yet."

"Would Lady J accept a loan from me?"

Jessica smiled. "I don't know, but her mother might. Can I give it some thought?"

"Sure. After Katsuko gets back. I have news for you. You're not allowed to make any decisions for the next two weeks. None. Not even what you eat foe breakfast. That's part of the ground rules of this little vacation of yours. I'll advance the money for the fall line, and we'll work it out later. I need a tax write-off anyway."

"I ... but ..."

"Shut up."

"You know something?" Jessie looked at her with a small smile and tired, swollen eyes. "Maybe I will. I need the fall line or the shop will fold anyway. What the hell. Was Katsuko happy about going?"

"What do you think?" The two women smiled again and Astrid pulled up in front of her own house. "Can you make it up my stairs?" Jessica nodded, and slowly followed Astrid into the house. "I just need a few things; I'll only be gone overnight. I want to be at work tomorrow." She glowed at the words. And fifteen minutes later they were back in the car and heading for the freeway. Jessie still felt as though a bomb had hit her life, now everything was moving too quickly.

The words with Ian came back to her as they drove along in silence. She had closed her eyes and Astrid thought she was sleeping. But she was wide awake. Too much so. And more awake than she had been in a long time. She needed another pill, and Astrid had flushed them all down the toilet, back at the house. All of them. The red ones, the blue ones, the yellow ones, the black-and-green ones. There was nothing left. Except her own head, pounding with Ian's words ... and his face ... and ... why had they done that to each other? Why the venom, the hatred, the anger? It didn't make sense to her. Nothing did. Maybe they'd always hated each other. Maybe even the good times had been a lie. It was so hard to figure it all out now. And it was too late anyway. Looking for the answers was like searching for your grandmother's silver thimble in the rubble of your home after it had burned to the ground. Together, she and Ian had set fire to their marriage, and from opposite sides of a pane of glass had watched it burn, fanning the flames, refusing to leave until the last beam was gone.

Astrid touched her shoulder again and she woke up, frightened and confused about where she was. The pills had really worn off now and she felt jangled.

"Take it easy, Jessie. You're at the ranch. It's almost midnight, and everything's fine." Jessica stretched and looked around. It was dark but stars shone overhead. There was a fresh smell in the air, and she could hear the whinny of horses somewhere in the distance. And just to their right was a large stone house with bright yellow shutters. The house was well lit and a door stood open.

Astrid had slipped inside for a moment with her mother before waking Jessie. Her mother was not shocked or even surprised. She had been through crises before, with Astrid, with friends, with family years before. Things happened to people, they were shaken for a while, but most of them survived. A few didn't, but most did. And the ranch was a good place to recover.

"Come on, sleepyhead, my mother has some hot chocolate and sandwiches waiting, and I don't know about you, but I'm starved." Astrid stood next to the open car and Jessica ran a comb through her hair with a rueful grin.

"How's she fixed for pills?"

"She's not." Astrid looked searchingly at Jessie. "Is it bad?"

Jessica nodded and then shrugged.

"But I'll live. Hot chocolate, huh? How does that compare to Seconal?" Astrid made a face at her and got her suitcase out of the trunk.

"I went through the same thing after Tom. I arrived here and my mother threw everything out. All the pills. And I was a lot less good-natured about it than you were this afternoon."

"I was just too stoned to react. You were lucky. And here, let me carry that." She reached for the suitcase and Astrid gave it up to her. "Ian always says that an Amazon like me ..." And then she stopped and let her voice trail off. Astrid watched the bowed head as she quietly walked toward the house. She was glad she had brought her, and only sorry she hadn't done it before. She wondered just how serious the fight with Ian had been. Something told her this was for real, but it was impossible to tell.

Their shoes crunched on the gravel walk that led to the house, and the smell of fresh grass and flowers was everywhere. Jessie noticed that the place looked cheerful even in the dark. There was an array of multicolored flowers all around the stone building and in great profusion near the door. She smiled as she walked past them and up the single step.

"Watch your head!" Astrid called out as she almost hit it against the doorway, and the two women arrived in the front hall side by side. There was a small upright piano there, painted bright red, a long mirror, a number of bronze spittoons, and a wall of exotic and colorful hats. Just beyond were pine floors and hooked rugs, comfortable couches and a rocking chair by the fire. There were warm-looking oil paintings and a long wall of books. It was an odd combination of good modern, delightful Victorian, simply enjoyable, and pleasantly old, but it worked. Plants and an old Victrola painted red like the piano, some first-edition books, and a very handsome modern couch covered in a pale oatmeal fabric. Old lace granny curtains hung at the windows, and a large tiled stove stood in one corner. The room looked happy and warm, with a surprising element of chic.

"Good evening."

Jessica turned at the sound of a voice and saw a tiny woman standing in the kitchen doorway. She had the same blond-gray hair as her daughter and cornflower blue eyes that sparkled and laughed. The simple words "good evening" sounded as though they amused her. She walked slowly toward Jessica and held out a hand. "It is very nice indeed to have you here, my dear. I take it Astrid has warned you that I'm a querulous old woman and the ranch is dull as dishwater. But I'm delighted you've come down." The light in her eyes danced like flame.

"I warned her of no such thing, Mother. I raved about the place, so you'd better be on your best behavior."

"Good God, how awful. Now I shall have to put away all my pornographic books and cancel the dancing boys, shall I? How distressing." She clasped her hands as though greatly disturbed and then burst forth with a youthful giggle. She gestured comfortably toward the couch and the two women followed her to seats near the fire. The promised hot chocolate was waiting in a Limoges china service patterned with delicate flowers.

"That's pretty, Mother. Is it new?" Astrid poured herself a cup of hot chocolate and looked at the china.