Number Thirteen (22 page)

“Well, let’s get cracking, they’ve got the popcorn already.”

My stomach grumbles and I get to my feet, following her out and down the halls. When we get into the large lounge room, the girls have just pressed play on
Top Gun
. I sigh in relief and go and sit beside Number Twelve. She gives me a small smile, and throws me a toss pillow to put on my lap. I snuggle in and feel myself smiling as the movie begins.

“Tom Cruise is so hot,” Number Two sighs.

I wrinkle my nose. “In this movie he is, I’m not so sure about any others.”

She giggles. “He has that look, you know...”

“What look?”

“The ‘you either like him or hate him’ look.”

I nod. “That’s true. I’m on the fence.”

She laughs and takes a handful of popcorn. She passes me the bowl and I take a handful of my own before passing it along.

“Top Gun?”

We all hear William’s voice and turn to see him leaning against the doorframe, staring at us. He’s wearing a pair of light grey exercise pants and a tight black t-shirt that sticks to his chest in a way that defines all his muscles. His long, thick hair is tied at the nap of his neck, showing us the perfection of his jawline.

“Join us?” Number Four asks, her eyes hopeful.

“Oh, no, I was just passing through,” he says, waving his hand.

“Please, Master William?” Number Nine begs.

“William,” he corrects her.

He meets my gaze and I flush, but I give him the best hopeful expression I can muster. A small grin tugs at his lips, and he sighs. “I suppose my plans can wait.”

The girls all giggle as he walks in and pops himself between Number Twelve and me. He leans back, and then reaches across taking a handful of popcorn.

“I used to love this movie,” he says.

“Used to?” Number Ten asks.

He chuckles. “I still do, it’s just been a while.”

The girls all seem to settle in his presence, and I can’t help but smile as his hand slides across and clutches mine, pulling it into his lap. Number Twelve looks down at it, but she doesn’t say anything.

It’s just nice to have him here, and no one is going to ruin that.

I
pull the blade down over my skin, wanting it all to end. All I can see is Lanthie’s face the last time I saw her. She was smiling; her beautiful blonde curls bouncing around her tiny frame. She was so innocent, so free. I press the blade down harder, until blood comes pouring out. It’s the only way to ease the pain.

I can’t go on seeing her face each night when I sleep.

It’s destroying me.

I close my eyes and curl into a ball. Blood pools around my face where my hands are laying, and I feel the burning ache in my wrists beginning to ease as my body becomes light and my mind begins to shut down. This is the best way; it’s the only way. No one can hurt me if I’m not here.

“Emelyn!”

I hear my mother’s voice, but I don’t cry out or call to her. Shall">He che will try to save me, try to say it’s her fault and not mine. She’s wrong; it’s my fault. I should have fought harder, should have tried to beat him. She can’t save me now.

I don’t want to be saved.

I wake up with tears in my eyes; my body is covered in a fine layer of sweat. The dreams aren’t getting easier as the days go on. The more I sleep, the more I remember. I don’t want to remember, I’m tired of re-living a past that will only haunt everything I do for the rest of my life. That’s not how I want to live now, William is teaching me that.

I throw my legs out of the bed, deciding to go to him. Sometimes, during the night, he lets me curl up beside him and fall asleep. I’ve begun to crave that comfort. I tiptoe out into the hall and turn to the left, heading towards William’s room. I round a corner when I see him with Number Ten. She’s sobbing, and his hand is resting on her shoulder. I stop and step back, listening as he speaks to her.

“Your past does not define you, Number Ten. Only you can choose what makes you
you
. He cannot hurt you here, nobody can.”

“I feel so dirty,” she sobs. “It doesn’t matter what I do, I can’t wash the memories away.”

“But you can be stronger than them,” he urges.

“I don’t know how, William.”

“With strength, with belief, with trust. You will learn to accept what happened in your past, and you will learn to fight past it to make yourself a better person. That girl, she’s not you anymore.”

“Thank you,” she murmurs, lifting her tear soaked face to look up at him.

He strokes her cheek. “I am here to support all of you, if you give me your trust, I will not let you down.”

My chest swells with an emotion so intense, my throat becomes tight. He’s helping her believe that she’s more than what her past made her. He’s teaching her that she’s strong enough to beat it. I adore him for that. He turns and sees me standing in the hall, and his eyes soften.

“Number Thirteen,” he says, quietly. “Are you ok?”

“I just...I had a bad dream and I was taking a walk.”

He smiles. “You know, Number Ten had a bad dream, too. Maybe you girls would like to join me on the balcony for some tea?”

I adore him even more right then.

“I like that idea,” I smile.

“Me too,” Number Ten whispers, smiling weakly at me.

William walks over, taking my hand and running his thumb over my palm. He stares at me, giving me a deep, long look. Then he turns and offers a hand to Number Ten. She takes it wearily and together we walk out onto the balcony for some tea.

He’s making it all better, one step at a time.

“Master William is out today, but you’re more than welcome to enjoy the day with the other girls,” Bill says as we walk down the halls a few days after William and I spent the night chatting on the balcony with Number Ten.

“Thank you.” I smile weakly. “I’ll do that.”

I had a long, horrible night and my emotions feel shot. I keep dreaming of Lanthie, and while each day I learn to accept it more, I still struggle to deal with what happened. Today, I just don’t feel like talking with anyone. I just want . ILanthie, to be alone, so I go to the only place I know I can have my peace – the library. William and I spend a great deal of time together in the big, warm space. It’s our space. The only place where we can just be William and Emelyn. He tells me about his life and in there, he smiles for me. Real smiles. Striking smiles. Smiles that transform his face.

When I reach the library I step inside, only to come to a skidding stop. Benjamin is sitting on the couch, reading a book, one long leg crossed over the other. His messy hair is curling around his ears and he’s wearing workout clothes; a sweatshirt, pants that do really great things to his legs, and sneakers. He hears me shuffle as I try to sneak back out, and he lifts his head.

“Emelyn.” He smiles, big and bright. He always seems happy to see me. I’m not really sure why, we don’t really know each other, but his face lights up when I’m in the room.

“I’m sorry,” I say, backing up but giving him a small smile. “I didn’t know anyone was in here.”

He chuckles, shrugging. “It’s okay, sweetheart. Come in, sit down—I’ll play nice.”

I shift nervously. “Does William know you’re here?”

He shakes his head. “George knows I’m here. I’ll see Will when he gets back. Keep me company while I wait.”

I hesitate. William wouldn’t like me spending time with Ben, I’m almost sure of it, but I find myself walking towards him anyway. He notices my wary expression and laughs, patting the seat beside him.

“I swear, I won’t bite.”

I smile weakly, and sit myself down next to him. He smiles, and shows me the book he’s holding and I beam. He’s reading
To Kill A Mockingbird
. It’s one book I find myself in here reading over and over again, fascinated with the brilliance of the writing and the story. Seeing Ben read it makes my chest swell with happiness, and a certain sense of kinship. I shift closer to him.

“Do you like it?”

“Atticus is a legend.” He grins.

I giggle softly. “You know, he became a very well-known character.”

He winks at me. “I can see why.”

“So, why are you here in William’s library?”

He keeps his eyes on my face. “I like it in here. I’ve always been fascinated by his collection of books. Most people like one or two things, but not Will. He just has a bit of everything.”

“He’s quite complex,” I say, staring around the beautiful space.

“Indeed. So tell me about yourself, Emelyn?”

I stiffen, and if he notices, he doesn’t say anything. “There’s really nothing to tell.”

He tilts his head to the side, pinning me with that intense blue gaze. He’s so like William, yet so completely different. “I find that hard to believe. What’s your family like?”

If he doesn’t notice me stiffen this time, there’s something wrong with him. He places a hand on my arm. “Have I said something wrong?”

I feel like a lump forms and lodges itself in my throat. I remember Lanthie, the only family I’ve ever had, and tears well in my eyes. I really just wanted to go one day without feeling the overpowering guilt that consumes my body daily.

“Shit, Emelyn, I’m sorry.”

I shake my head from side to side, but I can’t stop the tears from falling. Ben catches one with his finger, and turns me to face him. His face is full of concern for me. “I’ve upset you7;vverything.”

“It’s not your fault,” I manage to whisper. “It’s just...I...”

“What is it?” he says, taking one of my hands. His comfort is nice. It warms me from the inside out. “You can talk to me, or we can talk about something else. Just don’t cry. I’d hate if I was the reason for your tears.”

The urge to talk to him is something I’ve not experienced when thinking about Lanthie. I suppose telling a stranger seems like a better way to go when struggling. They’re less judgmental, and far more understanding. People always are if they don’t know you. I’ve wanted to tell William about my feelings, but I feel like he already knows so much about me that he just won’t understand.

So, I turn to Ben. “I am just struggling with the death of a family member right now, and even though it happened a while ago, it’s been bothering me lately.”

He tilts his head to the side and studies me. “Do you want to tell me about it?”

Tears prick my eyes again, and he smooths a thumb over the hand he’s got resting in his.

“I didn’t have a great upbringing. My mother was poor, and always doing drugs. She never paid attention to my sister, Lanthie, and I. I was all Lanthie had, she was only three when she died, and I feel like it’s partly my fault. I was...caught up when it happened. I couldn’t get to her, even though I tried. She climbed our balcony and fell to her death. I couldn’t get to her, Ben...I...”

My voice trails off, and I begin to sob. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close to him, soothing me. “That isn’t your fault, Emelyn. Things happen in life sometimes we can’t control, you couldn’t stop her from climbing that balcony. It wasn’t your duty to, it was your mother’s.”

“It was mine,” I cry. “I knew mother couldn’t do it.”

“Did you purposely allow yourself to be occupied?”

I cringe at the thought of
him
holding me down. My body trembles. “No,” I whisper in a broken, ragged tone.

“Then how could it possibly be your fault?”

“I should have fought harder. I should have done everything I could...I should have...”

He presses a finger to my lips. “You could have done everything, you could have fought with everything you are, and she could have still gone over that railing. Or you could have saved her and she could have escaped one day when you weren’t there. It’s not your fault, angel; you have to believe that.”

“She was just a little girl. She looked up to me.”

“And you didn’t let her down,” he whispers.

He pulls me into his arms, stroking his hand down my hair. He just holds me there like that for a while, neither of us speaking. It’s nice to feel like someone cares, just for a second.

“Thank you, Ben,” I whisper finally. “Sometimes I feel like I just can’t talk to anyone. There’s so much I have to keep inside because I’m just too scared to let myself open up to anyone. I feel like I just don’t have anyone I trust. So thank you for just letting me speak.”

“I’m always here to talk to, Emelyn. You just have to ask.”

“Benjamin.”

I hear the loud, demanding tone, and I jerk out of Ben’s arms to see William standing at the door. My heart leaps into my throat as I consider how bad this situation must look. One, I’m in Ben’s arms, and two, I just confided a piece of myself to him so easily.himMy he William doesn’t look at me as he walks in, standing in front of us. Ben stands, smiling as though nothing has happened.

“I just dropped by to see how you were, but George said you were out. I was waiting in here for you when Emelyn popped in.”

“I can see that,” William grates out. “Go to my office, we’ll talk there.”

Ben nods, and turns to me. “Anytime, Emelyn. Remember?”

“Thanks,” I whisper, staring at my feet.

I hear Ben leave, and I slowly turn to William. He’s not looking at me; he’s staring over at one of the shelves, his expression empty. He’s mad, I know he is and I understand why he would be, but he doesn’t understand that it meant nothing. I don’t have feelings for Ben. I was just looking for a friend. I don’t feel like I can seek that in William because of the situation we’re in.

“William?” I whisper.

“Did it feel nice for you to give him that piece of yourself, Number Thirteen?”

My chest clenches at the iciness in his tone.

“I didn’t...”

He spins towards me, his eyes narrowing with something more than anger. His broad shoulders move with every labored breath he takes.