Numbers (18 page)

“I thought you were dead. Dr. C told me I killed you.”

“Of course.” Her whisper came out so softly that he barely
heard it.

Guilt and regret mingled, knowing of the suffering she must
feel, but he couldn’t handle it so he stuck to talking about the past. “The
chain…” He shuddered at the memory of all that blood after she fell. “I just
wanted to get to you. I didn’t mean for it to strike your head.”

She reached up and touched the old scar, and then quickly
dropped that arm to hug her middle again. “I know you didn’t mean to do that.
You wanted my throat.”

He flinched. “I did.” He wouldn’t deny it. “I wake up in a
cold sweat often, wondering what I’d have done if I’d reached you. I just know
for certain what I did when you fell and I saw your blood.”

“Did it help you heal?”

He snarled.

She spun, looking at him.

“Is that what you think? That I watched you bleed with
satisfaction?”

“It was your right.”

“I lost the ability to think.” It was an easy admission.
“They took the only thing I cared about and my mind couldn’t take it.”

“You wanted to kill me. I understood. I still do.”

“I threw myself on the floor to reach you since my leg
chains wouldn’t allow anything else, and dragged you closer, begging the
technicians to get help. I’ve never been so afraid in my life. I put pressure
on the wound, trying to stop the bleeding. I would have died to exchange places
with you. I prayed to that god you told me about that they’d be able to fix you
so you’d be well. The sight of you on that floor bleeding killed my rage. It
gave me fear and loathing of what I’d done. Not one day has passed where I have
found peace or forgiveness for believing I’d killed you.”

“Until now. I’m alive.”

“I’m glad.”

“You would never harm a female.”

He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth. “I’ve killed
females.”

He heard her sharp intake of breath. It was his burden of
guilt to bear for the rest of his life. Candi being alive was just one less,
but there were others.

“I don’t believe you.”

He met her beautiful gaze. “Some of the techs took me from
Mercile to another place. It was a very dark time in my life. They brought me a
human female for a breeding experiment. The doctor in charge knew of our past
and figured I’d accept one since I was raised with you. They were hurting her.
I could hear her screams from where I was kept. They injected her with drugs
that would make her more fertile and then brought her to me. She was
hysterical, hurting herself trying to get away from me by smashing her body
against the bars. I felt the monster they claimed me to be.” He paused. “I
didn’t do it because I hated humans or that female. I snapped her neck.”

He braced, waiting to see her sickened expression. It would
set her free of him though, learning the truth. She wouldn’t want to be anywhere
near him.

“You didn’t want her to suffer.” She offered sympathy
instead.

“How do you know that?” It surprised him. Even other Species
had been wary, asking him questions when they learned what had happened after
he’d been rescued with Tammy. They’d understood, and told him to forgive
himself, but Candi should have been appalled. She’d been treated better than a
Species, but less than human at Mercile.

“I know you. You’d never take a life for no reason.”

Her trust in him, her faith, humbled him. “They would have
killed her anyway. I could hear them talking. Two of the males planned to rape
her when her use was up. They didn’t believe the drugs would work to make it
possible for them to successfully breed us. One of them was sick in his mind,
boasting about the pain and humiliation he’d cause her. I didn’t want to add to
her pain by making her endure me first. I was also afraid the drugs might work.
No child should be created and have to face what they had in mind to do to it.
I made it painless and fast.” He fought nausea. “Then they brought me another.
I did the same to her. The third was different. She smelled of a Species and I
let her live because she asked me to. We spoke and I had hoped that we’d be
freed. Her mate came hunting for her.”

“You mounted a female who belonged to another male?”

That seemed to shock her more than him admitting to the
lives he’d taken. He shook his head. “No. We were able to survive until Tammy’s
mate found us.”

The silence between them became uncomfortable. He wanted to
know about what had happened to her after she’d been taken away, but he wasn’t
sure he could handle the answers if they were too terrible. All he knew was
that she’d been kept in an asylum. Those were places they kept humans with
disabilities of the mind.

“Do you want me to leave?”

He was confused and lost. “I don’t know what I want.”

Candi knew she should leave. She wasn’t welcome but she
couldn’t find the desire to go. The man she loved stood eight feet away and all
she wanted was to throw her arms around him. It was everything she’d fantasized
about, if she could go back in time before his supposed death. It had kept her
strong when she felt weak, courageous when she’d been terrified, and whole when
she knew inside that her sanity seemed to be fracturing into a million pieces.
To get revenge for his loss had been her motivation to live and keep fighting.

“I killed.” He didn’t seem to believe her. His expression
was half frown, half scowl. “That’s how I escaped. It was the doctor who kept
me locked up. She was taking me out of the asylum to the woods to kill me after
Christopher died. He couldn’t pay her anymore to keep me prisoner so she had to
get rid of me. I stabbed her in the chest. You might have killed to spare
suffering, but I did it for payback.”

“You killed?”

She paused, giving him time to absorb that information. “I
also knew the chances of me being caught before I could find Homeland were
higher if she lived. She would have had orderlies hunting for me. I won’t lie
though. It felt good to kill her. I hated her. It was mostly rage. I could have
locked her in the trunk or tied her up after the first time I hurt her, but she
deserved to die. I don’t feel guilt.”

He still didn’t seem convinced, but said nothing more, just
studied her, his gaze roaming up and down her body.

She glanced down, trying to see what he did. She had lost a
lot of weight. “They kept me heavily medicated most of the time. I slept for so
long, in and out of it. It’s tough to eat when you can’t even walk. They used
to give me shots, but then switched to pills because my veins weren’t accepting
the needles as well. I’d try to hide the pills at first, not knowing it would
make me sick.”

“You’re sick?” He didn’t look happy about that news.

“My body became addicted to the drugs they’d been forcing
into me. I didn’t understand why I was sweating, throwing up and shaking. I
felt so bad. That’s how they’d catch on that I wasn’t taking them. Withdrawal,
they said. I learned to take one of their pills, and then skip the next until I
could hide the sickness. I tried to escape a few times after my mind cleared
somewhat, but I was always caught. I couldn’t get past the walls. They’d put me
back on the shots, and I’d lose more time until they’d switch back to the
pills. I’d have to start all over again to wean myself.”

“You saw Doc Trisha?”

“Yes.” She smiled. “She doesn’t think there is damage to my
internal organs. They ran tests. I’m sure I’m okay, but she wants to wait for
more results. She is worried because she doesn’t know which drugs they gave me,
and she is trying to determine what the drugs did to me since I was on them for
so long.”

He stepped closer. “Did they feed you in Medical?”

“Yes.”

“Are you still hungry?” He glanced at his kitchen. “I have
food here. I could make you something. I learned how to cook.”

That was remarkable. “You did?”

He nodded, seeming to ponder something. “You were locked up
this entire time?”

“Yes. It was a room about a fourth of this size. Just a bed,
and one tiny window with bars. The glass didn’t open.” She glanced at his
couch. “May I sit?”

“Of course.”

That was good because she was emotionally and physically
drained, but she wouldn’t admit that to him. She didn’t want to remind him how
much weaker she was compared to him at that moment. It was bad enough being
human. She sat and looked at him. The genetically enhanced always respected
strength.

“There was a tiny bathroom with a shower stall, a sink and
toilet. They didn’t let me out of that room unless the doctor keeping me there
wanted to see me in her office. I think Penny was afraid I’d talk to people if
she let me have access to other patients and staff. Anyone who started to ask
questions about me was reassigned to somewhere else.”

“You were all alone?” Some of the tension eased from his
body.

“I only saw people when they came in to feed me or give me
drugs. There was the cleaning female. She’d mop the floor once a week and
change the bedding every other day. They told her not to speak to me though,
and only sent her in after they’d drugged me. I’d pretend to be asleep, or
they’d have her change my bedding while I showered. One of the orderlies would
guard the bathroom door to make certain I couldn’t talk to her while I was more
with it.”

“They watched you shower?”

She nodded. “Yes. I wish I could have slipped down the drain
to escape, but they actually acted as if it were possible.”

That muscle in his jaw clenched. “Male guards?”

“Yes.”

He growled. “Did they abuse you?”

She knew what he really wanted to know. “I wasn’t force
mounted.”

“Did you allow—” He sealed his lips.

“Did I willingly allow someone to mount me? No. I’ve only
been…” It was her turn to go silent, struggling to find the right words. The
situation hadn’t been forced since she’d agreed to share sex with the feline,
but she hadn’t wanted to do it either. “Just that once at Mercile.”

He took a seat in a chair that was far from her. “That’s
good.”

“Yes.” She knew what he meant. Her hell hadn’t involved
physical abuse. Just silence, sleeping and fighting drug addiction. She looked
at him longingly, where he sprawled in that chair. She wanted to go over and
curl up on his lap and hold him close. Some of her fondest memories were of
being in his arms. He wouldn’t welcome her.

He noticed the way she looked at him. “We shouldn’t discuss
this if it makes you sad.”

“Who replaced me?”

His body jerked upright and his eyes narrowed. “What?”

“Who is your female now? Is she kind? Does she make you
laugh?”

“It’s not like that.”

“How is it?”

He looked away from her, glancing at everything else. He
didn’t answer. It hurt her heart. He didn’t deny that he’d mounted a female,
and she knew he had from before, from his silence then. This just confirmed it
all over again. He finally met her gaze.

“You should allow Breeze to take you to the women’s dorm.
You probably need sleep.”

“I have slept long enough. I try to stay awake as much as
possible. I don’t want to miss anything.” She figured he might understand.

He stood. “I need to pack. I’m leaving for Reservation.”

She didn’t know where he was going, but it was away from
her. “Please don’t.” She wanted to beg him to stay with her. She just needed to
look at him, assure herself he was real and not a figment of her imagination.

“I must go.” He took a step back. “I didn’t expect this, and
I’m having a difficult time thinking.” His voice rose. “Breeze?”

The door opened and the female entered. “Yes?”

“Please take her to the women’s dorm and make sure she eats
and sleeps.”

Breeze glanced at her, and then walked over to him. She
invaded his personal space, putting one hand on his shoulder, and tugged him
down enough to put her face closer to his. The words she whispered into his ear
were too soft to hear, but all Candi noticed was that he allowed that female to
touch him. It tore at her. It wasn’t jealousy but pain at his rejection of
allowing her to do the same.

Whatever Breeze said angered him. He turned his body,
pressing closer to the female, and whispered in her ear. She caught what he
said.

“You can’t keep me here.”

They were almost hugging as Breeze hissed something back.
The tone was there, but the words lost. He growled in response. Breeze
whispered again. He jerked away and stormed into another room. The door
slammed. Breeze sighed and came closer.

“Stubborn, stupid male.” She took a seat on the coffee table.
“He’s scared and trying to run. That shower he just turned on isn’t going to
cool his temper either.”

“He won’t forgive me.”

“For what?” Breeze reached out and patted her leg. “I got
the gist of that. You had to let a feline mount you to save Hero’s life when
you were at Mercile. He went insane when he realized another male had claimed
what was his, and he somehow hurt you.” She glanced at her head.

“He didn’t mean to. The chain snapped from the wall so there
was a few feet of it attached to his arm and it whipped out, hitting the side
of my head while he fought to free himself. It just split the skin and gave me
a concussion. I healed fine with just a scar. My hair covers it.”

“He’s a good male. He feels such guilt about everything.”

She believed that. “I know.”

“Does he frighten you?”

She shook her head. “I’m just terrified he’s never going to
forgive me. He’s still everything to me.”

“I can see that. I just told him it would be best if he
remained here at Homeland to care for you. He’s the male who was raised with
you. You’re very fragile right now, Candi. The years of drugs they forced you
to take and lack of regular meals has left you underweight and weak.”

She couldn’t deny those facts. Her body wasn’t in the best
shape, but her mind was solid. “I’m strong inside. I’ll eat lots, just the way
Doc Trisha said.”

Breeze’s phone rang and she whipped it out, accepting the
call. “Hold on.” She pressed it to her ear. “What?” Silence. “Butt out of this.
I have it handled. My female, my decision.” She hung up and smiled. “Everyone
is worried.”

“I would never do anything to hurt 927.” She paused. “Hero.”

“He’s too busy hurting himself right now by being a
butthead.” Breeze threw an annoyed look at the closed door, and then smiled at
Candi. “Most males would have snatched you up and hugged you if they were given
a female they thought they’d lost. I’d probably be trying to wipe out mental
images of things I didn’t want to see right now because he’d have ripped off
your clothes to reclaim you, oblivious of who was in the room.”

She wished he had reacted that way.

“I’ve never shared sex with him,” Breeze said, surprising
her with that statement. “Just so you know. I thought about it when he and I
met right after he was freed, but it just didn’t happen. I’m glad for that now.
That would be awkward between us.”

Candi wasn’t sure how to respond.

Breeze’s features softened. “Sorry. I’ve been around too
many humans. You look like one, but I forget looks can be deceiving. You’re
more Species than not, aren’t you?”

“I’m more like you than a human. Does that mean I’m
Species?”

“Yes. It does. Do you know what I’d tell another Species
female?”

“What?”

“Fight for what you want. He’s your male, isn’t he? A
stubborn, stupid one, but yours. You feel guilt for the feline at Mercile. We
did what we had to, to survive. It’s a fact of life, and we’re still here
because we’re strong. Stop feeling as if you owe him submission, and groveling.
He should be kissing your ass and thanking you for saving his life. Don’t
forget that and remind him.” She paused. “Males have their physical strength as
an advantage, but we have the cunning skills to match them in other ways.”

Candi appreciated the advice. “I can’t make him listen if he
won’t be near me.”

“He’s not going to Reservation.”

“What is that?”

“It doesn’t matter since he’s not going. I clipped his
wings. No pilot will fly him there.” She grinned. “Hero isn’t leaving
Homeland.”

“He wants you to take me away.”

“I’m not going to pick you up and carry you kicking and
screaming to the women’s dorm. The males will get their asses kicked if they
try it. Do you feel like leaving?”

“No. I want to stay close to him.”

Breeze grinned. “Give him hell.” She glanced down at Candi’s
body. “You need to put on a lot of weight, but I can’t see him kicking you out
of his bed. Do you understand?”

“No.”

Breeze winced. “You only shared sex once. I forgot about
that. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but canine hearing is good. Okay, get naked.
He’s a male with strong feelings for you. Nature will take care of the rest.”

“He won’t even let me touch him.” She wasn’t opposed to the
idea. She actually wished he would mount her.

“Get naked and he’ll be the one doing the touching.”

“He will probably leave again.”

“Perhaps.”

“He has a female.” It tore her up, saying those words.

“No, he doesn’t.” Breeze leaned in and took her hand. “You
were part of a breeding experiment once so you might know that Species females
were taken from male to male in hopes we’d get pregnant. Sometimes they would
drug the males first. It made them violent and unable to think. We worried if
we’d survive being mounted when they were in that state, and some of us were
badly injured.”

“I’m so sorry.”

Breeze squeezed and released her hand. “It wasn’t their
fault. It was the drugs they were forced to take. They don’t remember their
actions when they were in that condition and that’s a good thing for all of us.
Some of our females avoid the ones they were bred with while on drugs. A female
won’t tell a male he once hurt her because they’d tear themselves up the way
your Hero is doing because he harmed you with that chain, only they’d be much
worse. They didn’t just strike us. We don’t want them to suffer. Some of our
females will share sex with one of those males from her past to make good
memories in hopes of canceling out the bad. We have had good and bad
experiences with them, and that makes it difficult to find absolute trust with
a Species male. We’re trying though. We do that by sharing sex with different
males and not growing too close to one. So far though, we avoid mating with our
males. I’d know if one of my females was serious about a Species male. It would
be impossible to hide.”

“He might have feelings for a female.”

“There’s no one female he’s been steadily seeing. There
isn’t a bond.” Breeze stood. “He just got out of the shower. I heard the water
turn off. He might be able to hear us now.” She winked. “I’m leaving an officer
in the hallway since a few Species are worried about your safety and his
sanity. I told them he wouldn’t hurt you and you sure aren’t a spy.” She
laughed. “But welcome to the NSO. We’re a nosy, well-meaning bunch.” She
lowered her voice. “Give him hell and don’t give up. Hurry in there before he
gets dressed. He just opened his closet.”