Nun of That (A Deadly Habit Cozy Mystery, Book 1) (4 page)

Chapter Six
.

“Sorry about this, Bernard,” I said apologetically, as the cat gave me a dark look of doom from the washing machine, before looking disdainfully at his things that I’d moved into one corner. The calico had made quick work of taking over the house, and he did not like his exile into the little room one bit.

“Sorry,” I said again, as he lashed his tail unhappily from his perch. “I'd put you in my bedroom, Your Highness, but this place has only one bathroom, and the girls might need it.”

“And that is
my
problem?” Bernard seemed to say as he glared at me. Finally, he gave up trying to guilt me with his displeasure, and he hopped down to sniff around the machines.

“Be good,” I said, as I closed the door. Hopefully he wasn't a vengeful kitty. I didn't need to find shredded curtains, or worse still, surprises on the floor. He might even repay me by leaving a mouse in my bed. Ick.

I rushed to wash my hands and check on the oven. The pans were bubbling and browning to perfection. And the smell of toasted garlic bread was making my mouth water. I was proud of this meal, given the fact that it was so hard to make anything that both girls would eat. Janet was so adverse to normal food, it was a wonder she wasn't crunching an astronaut’s serving of vitamins for breakfast. Gemma was Janet’s polar opposite. Gemma would do anything to avoid a salad bar if she could help it. There was very little the two could eat that they could agree on.

Tonight, I was serving a nice, green spinach salad, lasagna, eggplant parmesan, and a lemon sherbet that was supposed to have all natural ingredients. Hopefully they would find nothing on the menu to argue about.

Tonight was to be a welcome party for Bunny. I would have done it eventually, even if there weren’t a strange murder to solve. A girl can multitask though, right?

After talking to the new Reverend Mother of the convent, I’d been left with zero leads. Well almost. There was Bunny, the mysterious ex-wife whom Dave had never once mentioned in all these years. It was strange how fast she had showed up to lay claim to his things. She seemed too spacey to plot to dress up as a nun in running shoes though, or maybe she was spacey enough to do exactly that. It really wasn't too hard to see her sprinting in a sister's habit. Either way, surely she knew something useful about Dave.

Hopefully, a dinner with Bunny would shed more light on the woman. It would maybe provide some other clues I could follow.

Plus, my friends could drive anyone to distraction. As bad as I felt about overwhelming the woman with both my friends at once, I had to do it for the greater good. Dave had been a friend of mine. The police did not seem keen to solve his murder, given that they had disregarded my telling them about the nun fleeing the scene. I could not just let Dave’s murder become another cold case in the corner of the police office.

As the first of my guests showed up, I took a deep breath and prepared for the big event. As I opened the door, a flash of gold flew at my face and caused me to yelp as I took a step back, raising my hands to shield myself from my attacker.

“Surprise,” Bunny's voice chimed.

I blinked, as my eyes adjusted and focused on a gaudy, gold and black glitter gift bag dangling in the doorway. Bunny peeked around it with a quizzical look. “Oh dear. Am I too early? Mom used to fuss about how important punctuation is.”

“Punctuality?” I prompted. It was hard enough to follow the woman at the best of times, without the remix version of the English language.

“It means to be on time,” Bunny explained in a matter of fact tone as she invited herself in to gawk at my living room. “Oh my, you have a nice place. Dave's place was such a bachelor pad. You'd think he'd never been married before.”

I didn't think three weeks was long enough to change anyone's life too drastically, but of course, I knew better than to point that out. “Thank you for the gift,” I said. “That was very thoughtful.”

“Oh don't worry about it. It's just a little something that Dave had lying around the shop. I hope you like it,” Bunny said as she looked around the room with a worried frown. “The cat is locked up?”

“I’ve put him in the laundry room for now.” I had to smile, for the woman looked like she had just dodged a firing squad. I wasn't sure how allergic she was to cats, but she seemed much more afraid of the cat himself than of an allergic reaction. I looked at the gold gift bag curiously. “Can I open it?”

“Of course, silly. It's for you.” Bunny made a shooing motion to make me open it faster. Dave had seen all manner of things in his pawn shop, and the bag was about the right size for jewelry or a bottle of perfume. I guessed it was perfume by the weight. I had seen some high end perfumes behind the glass displays.
How sweet of Bunny
, I thought, reaching my hand into the bag.

This was not perfume.

I crushed the bag around the pistol that was lying in the bottom of the bag, nestled innocently in a mess of tinsel and lime green tissue paper.

“Bunny,” I croaked, as I gingerly held the bag away from me as far as I could. “Bunny, there's a gun in here.”

“Of course. Now you won't have to go out and buy one,” Bunny said helpfully. “It probably has paperwork, too, but I can't find it. It’s probably in his safe. I'll get it for you later, if I remember.”

“Why would I need a gun, Bunny?” I asked, as I set down the bag carefully.

“Sweetie, someone just died next door. You have to protect yourself in this big, bad world,” Bunny said in a gentle, patronizing tone. Her brow furrowed. “Though, come to think of it, those handguns in the safe didn't do Dave that much good, did they? Maybe I should have gone with a taser?”

“A taser?” I asked, looking at the tiny woman talking about handguns and tasers like they were the most normal gift in the world to give to a hostess.

“Oh yes. You just touch it to the bad guy and push a button. Abracadabra! They’re flopping on the ground.” She demonstrated with an eye roll and a stiff armed twitch. “It's really easy to use. And they make them look like anything nowadays. I have one that looks just like my cell phone. Look.”

The woman rummaged through her bag and then paused with a worried expression, before pulling out two nearly identical looking black phones. She looked from one to the other as she studied them. “A little too much like a real phone sometimes.”

Was this woman fit to be running a business by herself?
I wondered.
Come to think of it, was she even fit to live unsupervised?
At least I could cross her off my suspect list, which was sad, as she and the nun were the only ones on it. I could not see her shooting her husband while dressed as a nun, and not getting caught. “I can't accept this, Bunny. I really do appreciate the thought, though.”

“Oh, it's okay. I'll just bring you something tomorrow. There are all sorts of practical things in there.” Bunny appeared to be cheerful as she stuffed the gift bag into her oversized purse and zipped it. I was afraid to ask her if the gun was loaded. Very afraid.

I jumped as I heard another knock at the door. I opened it to see Gemma and Janet both standing there, already looking annoyed with one another.

“Sorry if we're late,” Gemma said apologetically, poofing up her already huge hive of hair with the flat of her hand.

“Not at all. I'm glad you guys are here.” I waved them in. “Ladies, this is Bunny.”

After I had introduced everyone, I seated them all around the table, so I could run to check on dinner. I hadn't even started the gathering yet and I was getting tired. I was starting to understand why Dave never seemed interested in settling down. As sweet as the woman seemed, three weeks of that could turn anyone into a lifelong bachelor. I had been wrong about three weeks not changing someone's outlook - very wrong.

I took a minute to gather my wits, and then I took the steaming pans to the table. Bunny and Gemma were both as impressed as I had hoped they would be. Before Janet could complain about the lasagna, I brandished the eggplant parmesan. “I know, all vegetables. Eggplant and tomatoes. A little parmesan cheese won't kill your diet, right?”

Janet gave one of her dreaded grimaces and an exaggerated wince. Uh oh. What did I do wrong this time? It was all vegetables, well, 99% vegetables. Okay, maybe 95%, but I had to put a wide variety of spices in this stuff to give it anything resembling a taste.

“Not a vegetarian diet, a whole food diet,” Janet explained as if the difference were obvious. “The body can't process the preservatives in things like store-bought sauces and cheese powder. It causes the body to -”

“Here.” Gemma picked up the salad bowl and dropped it in front of Janet. “We get it. Your goal in life is to be a lean, mean, weight-lifting rabbit. Gimme that.”

Gemma stabbed a fork on Janet’s plate to steal her eggplant and popped it in her mouth. She moaned in exaggerated rapture over the taste. “Mmm, mmm. You don't know what you're missing. Rose, you did a fantastic job. I love it.”

“You'll love it so much more when your kidneys shut down from inflammation and chemical overdose,” Janet said, as she studied the salad.

“It can do that?” Bunny looked horrified as she paused mid-bite.

“Don't pay her any attention.” Gemma waved her hand dismissively. “Janet is a health nut. With emphasis on the
nut
. She thinks artificial sweeteners are made from germs.”

“Great dinner table topic.” Janet shot Gemma a barely veiled glare.

“Oh, but we could talk about it over my diet cola, huh?” Gemma waved a pointed finger between herself and Janet.

“Germs can do what?” Bunny stared at them, looking shocked at the news.

“Forget about it,” Gemma said, waving her arms dismissively.

“How about we get to know Bunny better instead?” I sighed. I supposed it had been too much to ask for them to be civil just once. So much for distracting them with a shiny new person to talk to. “We were all curious to meet her after all.”

“That's right. Where are you from anyway?” Gemma asked as she leaned toward Bunny.

“Here, there and around. I'm quite a voyeur,” Bunny said, causing Janet to snort on her health drink, and splutter. Gemma quickly got her a napkin and shot Bunny a stunned look. Bunny looked at them, puzzled. “What did I say?”

“You meant
voyager
, right?” I asked, hoping I was right.

Gemma tucked her chin down against her chest, trying not to show how hard she was trying not to laugh.

“That's what I said.” Bunny crooked one brow. “You people must not get out much.”

“Where did you meet Dave?” Janet asked, after she recovered from her coughing fit.

“My cousin, Fred, arranged it,” Bunny explained. “He and Dave did a lot of business together. He thought it would be a great experience for us.”

“So it was like a blind date?” Gemma asked.

“I guess so.” Bunny nodded. “We met in Brisbane. I thought Dave was very charming for someone who ran a laundromat.”

“A laundromat?” I asked in confusion, trying to think of what word Bunny could possibly mean this time.

“Goodness, I need to get you poor girls some dictionaries. What do they teach you in school down here?” Bunny clucked her tongue in disapproval. “A place where you take your laundry. You do have them here, don't you?”

“We do, but Dave never laundered anything,” I said, trying to pry for clues as to what she was really talking about. Dave never washed a sock in all the time I had known him. He paid extra for the cleaning lady to come pick up his laundry every week. Dave had an aversion to laundry.
Women’s work
, he'd called it. He’d said next he would be wearing pink aprons and joining the knitting class on Thursdays. He would have stayed in his own sweat for a year before he ever touched a washer.

Bunny nodded matter of factly. “Of course he did. Fred told me that Dave laundered things for him many times. I thought it was nice the man was secure enough to do other men's laundry. I do wish he would have let me see where his laundromat was, though. He was so shy about it, even after we got married.”

Before I could press her for more details, there was an unearthly squall from the laundry room. Everybody jumped at the sound of Bernard having had about all he could take of the tiny, cramped laundry room. Bunny went wide eyed as she grabbed her purse and held it to her chest.

I gasped, terrified that the 'gift' that Bunny had stuffed in it might go off at any second. Bunny took a step backward and then fell onto the table, sending health drinks and tomato sauce flying all over the floorboards.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry as I saw the results of Bernard's howling to be let out of his little prison. One minute we were talking about Dave doing laundry and the next, my poor dinner table looked like a murder scene.

“I better get going. It's getting late,” Bunny said with a strained smile, gathering her things.

“It's barely seven,” Gemma pointed out.

“Early to bed, early to rise,” Bunny said with a nervous titter as she looked in the direction of the laundry room.

Gemma furrowed her brow. “Don't tell me you’re ailurophobic?”

“Come again?” Bunny asked nervously, as everyone scrambled to clean up.