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I’m glad I saw Justin and Nancy together. Now I know who she is and that she’s his girlfriend.

That’s a lot better than not knowing.

I just wish Justin had seen me see them. Ugh!

What’s the big deal that I saw him kissing Nancy Mercado? It’s a free country. It’s not like he’s my boyfriend. We hardly even talk.

So why do I feel weird about it?

Do I wish I were kissing him?

I wonder if the problem is that we never really broke up.

Or is it that we never really went out?

Why do I feel so awful about this? Why does it hurt so much?

I wish Amalia hadn’t bothered to change the band rehearsal to Thursday. I don’t want to see Justin. I wish that I didn’t have to see him at school tomorrow either. But, of course, I will.

We’re always passing each other in the halls.

Wednesday 4/28

7:30 P.M.

Nancy Mercado came over to our table at lunch to talk to Amalia. Their families are friends.

Nancy was telling Amalia about her sister’s baby shower. In the middle of a sentence, Nancy switched to Spanish. Amalia started speaking Spanish too. Suddenly, Nancy went back to

English and apologized to Sunny, Dawn, and me. I guess she could tell by the expressions on our faces that we didn’t understand what she and Amalia were saying.

When we were walking to our next class, Dawn said she thought Nancy was nice.

“She is,” Amalia said.

Then I said I thought Nancy and Justin were going out.

Amalia said Nancy hadn’t mentioned it to her.

“Maybe that was because Nancy knew that Justin and Maggie had a thing,” Dawn suggested.

“But that’s history,” I said. “And it wasn’t much of a thing anyway.” Then I changed the subject.

Amalia gave me a look that said,
You just changed the subject
. But she let me get away with it.

I wish I could tell Amalia about the confused feelings I have for Justin. But I don’t have the words to explain them.

I can’t even explain it in my diary.

Thursday 4/29

3:30 P.M.

I’m so nervous about going to band rehearsal.

Justin will be there.

Are we going to ignore each other?

Won’t everyone notice?

How can we go on being in the same band?

COUNTING

You …

Me …

And Nancy

Makes three.

Her plus you

Makes two.

One. Two. Three.

Was it ever you plus me?

One. Two.

What am I supposed to do?

One.

9:30 P.M.

Rehearsal was way weird.

When Amalia and I got to Rico’s garage, Justin was already in his usual spot, tuning up his guitar. I thanked everyone for changing practice for me.

Rico, Patti, and Bruce said things like, “No problem.” Justin didn’t even look up from his guitar.

I knew then for sure that he had seen me seeing him kissing Nancy.

After going over our old material, we practiced a couple of new songs.

When Rico called a break, I stayed at the piano and waited to see where Justin would go. But he didn’t budge either. I figured he was waiting to see where I went so he could continue to avoid me.

Meanwhile, Amalia and Rico huddled in a corner to go over some Vanish paperwork, and Patti and Bruce made a beeline for the snacks.

Justin fiddled with his guitar.

I finally stood up and made my way to the garage entrance, which was as far as I could be from Justin without leaving altogether.

I heard someone behind me. I turned around and found myself face-to-face with Justin.

He handed me a soda.

I took it, said thanks, and turned around again.

“How’s it going?” he asked.

“Fine,” I answered, without looking at him.

“Big party at your house tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” was all I replied.

I didn’t say how I hate those parties. I don’t know if I ever told Justin that. What did we talk about when we were “going out”?

“Maggie, I think I should explain,” he said. “About Nancy. We’re sort of — ”

I put up my hand to stop him and said, “You don’t have to explain anything to me. Really.”

“But I want to. I was going to tell you, and then you saw — ”

I faced him and made myself smile. “Justin, that’s great. You and Nancy. She’s terrific.”

“I guess we’re sort of going out,” he said.

“Let’s go, guys,” Rico called. “We have a lot of material to cover.”

“Coming!” I replied, then flashed Justin a parting smile, and went back into the garage ahead of him.

The first number we played after the break was “Touching.” It killed me to have to sing it. I’d been thinking of Justin when I wrote it. Now all I could think was, it’s true. Justin
was
kissing Nancy. There’s no romance between him and me anymore.

How am I supposed to pretend I have all these romantic feelings when I sing?

That was one unpleasant band practice.

And Dad’s big part is tomorrow night. Argh!

I thought I was going to have fun this spring.

Friday 4/30

6:00 P.M.

Saw Justin and Nancy walking hand in hand in the hall today. Forced myself to smile as I passed them.

This would have been easier if Justin had told me about Nancy before I saw them kissing.

I think.

Have to get ready for the party. Raoul, Mom’s hairdresser/makeup person, is here. Mom says he’s going to do my hair and makeup too. I hate this.

7:00 P.M.

Ducky just called. He pretended he was a French waiter who was working at the party and had lost the address. “So I’ll be right over, zen, Meez Blume,” he said with a fake French accent.

There’s my phone again.

It was Sunny. She called to tell me to have fun tonight.

Asked me how my dress looked. I told her I didn’t have it on yet.

“Well, put down the phone and put on the dress,” she said. “I’ll wait.”

After I slipped the dress over my head I shouted toward the phone, “It’s on. I’m putting on the shoes.”

I picked up the phone and told her I was ready.

“How do you look?” Sunny asked.

“Okay.” I checked myself out in the mirror. I looked good. How could I have thought I was fat back when I was a whole size smaller?

“Just okay? Okay isn’t good enough.”

“The dress is per-fect,” I told her.

“Have fun tonight, Mags” she said. “You’re so cool around all these big-deal people. I admire that.”

I told her it was only because I know they aren’t big deals.

“That’s the other thing I admire about that.”

That was really sweet. And I knew she meant it.

I’m so lucky to have great friends.

Just heard a limo pull up to the house. Time to make my appearance in the role of Hayden Blume’s lovely daughter.

9:30 P.M.

What a boring party! And it’s not over yet. Dad has taken everyone into the screening room to see scenes from movies that inspired him to produce
Love Conquers All
. I snuck up here to write in my journal. I want to remember what’s happened so far, so I can tell my friends tomorrow.

They’ll want to hear every last detail.

The scriptwriter arrived first. Next the costume designer and her assistant. Then the director, Vance Vandersby, and his wife.

Vance is totally obnoxious. I noticed tonight that he pretends he’s interested in you, but he’s really looking past you to see who he should talk to next.

Dad calls that “working the room.”

I called it “bad manners.”

Vance was asking me about school, as if he cared, when someone called out, “Here they come.”

Conversations stopped midsentence and everyone headed toward the front door. A white stretch limo was pulling up.

My dad jumped outside and opened the back door of the limo.

Felicia Hope stepped out. She was wearing a slinky, short hot-pink dress.

“Hayden, thanks so much,” she gushed as she planted a kiss on dad’s cheek.

Next came Tyler. He had on black linen pants and a short-sleeved shirt with a black-and-gray checked print.

Dad and Tyler shook hands.

Dad looked around at the rest of us once they’d come inside. “You know everyone here,” he said to Felicia and Tyler, “except my family.”

Mom came forward. She seemed pretty sober. She kissed Felicia on the cheek and shook hand with Tyler.

Zeke was beside Dad now. Dad signaled me to join them. He put an arm around each of us.

“My daughter, Maggie,” said Dad. “A musician, I might add.”

Why doe he do that!?

“And my son, Zeke. He’s been looking forward to talking to you, Tyler, about your work in
Protect and Serve
.”

Felicia gave me her big phony smile and said hi. I mumbled, “Nice to meet you.” Felicia is only seventeen, but she looks and acts a lot older. She had on loads of makeup, spike heels, and a

“look at me” attitude.

Tyler said hi. He’s fifteen and is really (I have to admit it) a good-looking guy. If green is the true color of hi eyes. And if those wave sin his hair are real. One thing is definitely real — his muscular build. I suppose he’s been working out for this role. After all, he’ll be wearing a bathing suit for a lot of his scenes. I wonder if he has to watch what he eats to keep that lean shape. Probably. Or maybe he’s one of those people who can eat whatever he wants and still not gain weight. Like Justin.

The head waiter invited us to come around to the patio for cocktails. The piano player had arrived and was playing Broadway show tunes. I’d already asked Dad NOT to ask me to play the piano under any circumstances. And he had agreed. (Thank you, Dr. Fuentes, for helping me to say what I want — and don’t want.)

Dad introduced me to more people.

I’ve met a lot of them at other parties, but I never remember their names. And I never know what to talk about, especially when they say things like, “You’ve certainly grown.” Or, “Wow, Hayden. She’s turning into a real beauty.” Here’s the comment I hate the most: “If she were my daughter I’d lock her up until she was eighteen.”

I wanted to reply: “If you were my father I’d want
you
locked up until I was eighteen.” But I kept quiet, still playing the part of the Good Daughter.

At dinner I sat between Felicia and one of the scriptwriters. Zeke was next to Tyler.

Tyler seemed to be talking — or listening — only to Zeke, who was showing him his Handy.

Vance and Felicia share the award for yakking the most during dinner. Even Dad couldn’t

outtalk them.

Vance was mostly talking about Dad and how great he is. No wonder Dad let him go on so long.

Felicia talked endlessly about her trip to some fancy Caribbean island, about the famous people she hung out with and the expensive restaurants and trendy bars they all went to.

“I told Tyler he should have come with us,” Felicia said. She smiled at him. “You could have practiced your surfing for the movie, Ty.”

Tyler looked up and smiled back at her. “Well, maybe I should have come,” he said.

Dad looked from Felicia to Tyler. I know he was hoping their smiles were a sign that Tyler and Felicia are — or soon will be — romantically involved. You can’t buy that kind of publicity.

Felicia suddenly turned to me. “Now tell me about you,” she said. “How’s school?”

“Okay,” I answered.

She explained that she’s been tutored since fifth grade and he wondered what it was like to go to a regular school. She asked me a lot of questions.

When she asked, “What goes on in the hallways?” I had a flash memory of Justin and Nancy

walking hand in hand. I didn’t include hand-holding in my answer.

But I did try to answer Felicia’s questions as best I could. She was so interested and was really paying attention to what I said. I wondered if maybe I’d been wrong about her. Maybe she was a real person under that act. Maybe she wished she could lead a more normal life.

Dad overheard us and told Felicia, and anyone else who would listen, about Vanish and what a fabulous musician I was.

“How charming,” said Felicia.

She smiled at everyone at the table and proudly announced, “Hayden’s daughter is telling me about her school. I’m doing research for the film.”

“That’s our Felicia,” Vance announced. “A true professional.”

A true phony is more like it.

Felicia wasn’t interested in me. She was just using me for research.

The screening will be over soon, so I better go back downstairs.

11:30 P.M.

I won’t tell my friends what happened next tonight. But I’m going to write about it. Otherwise I might not believe it happened at all.

After finishing that last entry in my journal, I left my room to return to the party. As I passed Zeke’s room I heard a voice. But it wasn’t Zeke’s.

The door was halfway open, so I peeked to see who was in there.

In the mirror over Zeke’s bureau, I saw a reflection of Tyler standing in the corner of the room.

“How about it?” he was saying. “You said you’d do this for me. Are you going to?”

I was trying to figure out who Tyler was talking to. Then he looked up and saw me watching him in the mirror. He sort of waved.

I took a step into the room and looked around. No one else was in there.

“Sorry,” Tyler said. “Zeke brought me up here. To see his turtles.” He pointed to Zeus and Jupiter. “They’re cute. I had turtles back home. I gave them to my brother Teddy, when I left.

Teddy’s Zeke’s age.”

I looked around the room again. “But where’s Zeke?” I asked.

“He — um — went to the screening.” Tyler was blushing with embarrassment. I was amazed.

“Your father already showed me those film clips. When he signed me on for
Love Conquers All
.

So I — uh — thought I could come up here to rehearse tomorrow’s scene.” He shrugged his

shoulders. “I get really nervous before I start a new movie. Actually, I’m nervous all the way through the shoot.”