Obsession (18 page)

The aching in her heart to return his call, to hear his explanation for why that woman had been in his apartment answering his phone while he took a shower, and to find out what else he wanted to say to her was almost more than she could resist. But she had ignored his phone message on the previous day, and she would ignore this one as well. The very fact that his words were so personal—as was her reaction to them—was confirmation enough that she needed to cut off all contact with him if she ever hoped to patch up her relationship with Brad.
Help me, Father. Change my heart. I have no right to feel the way I do about Abe, but my attraction to him seems to grow stronger every day.

Forgetting her intention to call April, she forced herself away from the phone and walked to the kitchen to see about making herself something to eat. She had just about decided on a tuna sandwich when the phone rang again. Picking up the receiver from the wall phone beside the kitchen table, her heart jumped when she heard Abe's voice respond to her “hello.”

“Toni? Hi. It's me again. I know I should have waited till you called back, but… I was afraid you wouldn't, and I… really need to talk to you.” He paused. “Toni? Are you there?”

“Yes,” she said, her voice shaking almost as much as her legs. She pulled out a chair and sat down, knowing she would need all the strength she could muster to keep her focus where it needed to be.
Help me, God.
“Yes, I'm here.”

“I would really rather have this conversation face to face, but right now I have some things to say that can't wait, so I'm just going to spit it out. I know I'm out of line on this. I know you're engaged, but please hear me out, will you? I can't keep these things to myself any longer. I think you already know what I'm going to say, but… I have to say it anyway. I'm in love with you. I've tried to talk myself out of it so many times, but it just doesn't work. I can't think about anything or anyone but you. That woman who was here when you called, it wasn't what you thought. She's just an old friend I ran into and—”

“You don't have to explain,” Toni interrupted, trying desperately to divert the conversation, even as her heart cried out to hear more. “Really. It's none of my business, and it doesn't matter because—”

This time it was Abe's turn to interrupt. “It does matter. It matters a lot. I don't want you to think that I would say I'm in love with you while I'm spending time with someone else. Toni, from the moment I met you, there hasn't been anyone else. I've tried to fight it, but I—”

“Stop, Abe. Please.” Her voice was still shaking, but she was determined. If she didn't end this conversation right now, she knew she would say things she would regret. She could not let him know how she felt. This relationship was wrong, and it was up to her to put an
end to it, once and for all. “I don't want to hear any more. We can't talk like this. In fact, we can't… talk at all. Abe, our relationship is over. It should never have started. It was wrong from the beginning, I know that now. Please forgive me if I encouraged you in any way. I appreciate all you've done to try to help me, but you know I'm engaged to Brad. You and I can never—”

“I know you're engaged to Brad, but… are you in love with him?”

Toni's heart skipped a beat. “What do you mean? I just told you, we're engaged.”

“That's not what I asked you. I asked if you're in love with him. Maybe I'm just believing what I want to believe, but I think…” He paused, and she heard him take a breath. “I think you're in love with me, not Brad.”

Oh, Lord, what do I do now?
She felt as if her heart would explode as the heat rushed up her neck to her cheeks. How she longed to tell him the truth—that he might very well be right, that it was just too soon to be sure, that she wanted desperately to spend time with him, to pursue their relationship, to find out—but she couldn't. No good could come of it, and she was not going to allow this to go any further.

“You're wrong,” she said, her voice steadier than she had imagined it could be. “I'm not in love with you, Abe. I'm… in love with Brad, and I intend to marry him. Please, don't call me anymore.”

She hung up the phone, buried her face in her hands, and cried. “Oh, Father,” she sobbed, “forgive me for lying. Forgive me. But what else could I do?”

The phone was ringing as Toni unlocked the door. It was early Tuesday afternoon, and Melissa was still at her baby-sitting job. Fumbling with her keys and purse, Toni pushed the door open and hurried to the phone. She still had not been able to talk with Brad,
even though she had left several messages on his machine at home and had called his office first thing that morning. The receptionist had said he was “unavailable” and that she would let him know that Toni had called and would like him to call back. As she grabbed the receiver, she hoped this would finally be her opportunity to begin to set things right between them.

“Toni? Dr. Jensen here. How are you?”

Her disappointment over not hearing Brad's voice was quickly replaced by anxiety over what Bruce Jensen might have to say. “I'm… fine, thank you. And you?”

“I'm doing well. And how's Melissa? Is she beginning to cope with her loss?”

“I… believe so.” She wanted to scream, “Forget the formalities and just get on with it.” But she restrained herself. “Have you got some news for me?”

“As a matter of fact, I do. As I'm sure you know, with yesterday being a legal holiday, I wasn't able to do anything about the autopsy. I put in a call first thing this morning—and, I might add, pulled a few strings with the coroner—and we got a green light. I won't bother you with all the details, but the legalities will be taken care of quickly, and the autopsy will be done as soon as possible. If all goes well, we should have the results sometime early next week.”

Toni felt as if her stomach were in knots. This was what she had wanted, the only possible way to prove that her father's death had been more than a simple heart attack. But now, with the procedure set in motion, the possible repercussions were overwhelming. Still, there was no other choice.

“Thank you,” she managed to say. “I really appreciate it.”

“No problem. As I told you before, I should have been more considerate of your feelings and desires in this situation when you first mentioned it to me, but you really caught me off guard when you and Mrs. Lippincott came to my office. I hope you understand.”

“Of course. I know it's not a common request, but I felt—”

“No need to explain yourself. If this will put your mind at ease and help you get on with your life, then I'm glad I could be of help. I'll be in touch. Goodbye.”

Toni hung up the phone and sank down onto the couch.
What now? When the results come back on the autopsy, showing there was some sort of foul play involved in my father's death
—
and I know there was
—
then what? There will undoubtedly be an investigation, but what happens then? How will this affect Melissa? How will it affect me… and Brad? Oh, Father, help us. Carry us through this difficult time.

The sunshine was beginning to peek through the clouds as Toni mounted the steps to the neat but modest building that housed the legal offices where Brad, as a junior partner, occupied a small space, in comparison to the spots held by the two senior partners. One of those two senior partners was Brad's father, George Anderson, a well-known and highly respected attorney in River View. The other senior partner, Carolyn Summers, was among the minority of female attorneys in the Southwest Washington region. She was also George Anderson's sister and Brad's aunt. True to his dependable nature, Brad had carried on the family tradition just as his parents had always expected he would.

It was Friday afternoon, and Toni had finally gotten up the courage to call Brad's office on Thursday and make an appointment with him. It seemed to be the only way to force a discussion—and, presumably, a reconciliation. She had hoped to get in to see him earlier, but the receptionist had told her that this was his first available time. Chagrined, she had taken it, amazed that their relationship could have deteriorated so drastically that she had to make an appointment to see her own fiancé.

Now she was here. Although Toni had known Catherine, the receptionist, for years, Toni felt awkward when she walked in. It was
apparent that Catherine knew there was trouble between Toni and Brad, so Toni limited her greeting to a brief nod, then took a seat in the waiting room.

She had chosen her clothes carefully, her sleeveless silk blouse a pale pink, Brad's favorite color. Her gray summer slacks and pink sandals coordinated perfectly. Even her hair had cooperated, the short but often unruly locks falling right into place. She knew she was doing the right thing. Now if she could only put Abe out of her mind….

The receptionist's intercom buzzed. “Yes? Certainly. I'll send her right in.” Catherine looked up at Toni. “You can go on in now.”

He's not even going to come out to meet me… not going to make it easy on me one bit. Well, I suppose I deserve it.
“Thank you,” she said, then rose and walked past the receptionist's desk and down the hall to a room that had always seemed so welcoming and familiar. Now, even before she knocked, it felt foreign and somewhat intimidating. She was grateful that Brad did not make her wait long. “Come in,” he called as soon as she had rapped on the door.

Taking a deep breath, she opened the door and walked in. Brad, still sitting behind his desk, looked up, his smile strained, his courtroom face showing signs of stress. It was the shock of sandy blond hair falling across his forehead that tugged at her heart though. Dear, faithful, patient Brad. He had always been there for her—and for Melissa too. She had always known he would be, and had taken him for granted. Was that not to be the case any longer?

He rose slowly and walked around to the front of his desk to greet her.
Surely he's not going to shake my hand,
she thought. He didn't, but his welcoming embrace was stiff, as was Toni's response.

“How are you?” he asked, his voice controlled but just husky enough to betray his emotions.

“Fine,” she said as they released each other. “And you?”

Brad nodded. “OK. Busy.”

“Yes. So I heard… from Catherine. I've been trying to reach you all week.”

“I'm sorry. It's just…” He stopped, indicating the chair in front of his desk. “Please, sit down.” As she did, he went back to his own chair behind the desk.

Where do I start, Father? Show me what to say.
“I've missed you.” That, at least, was not a lie. Brad had been so much a part of her life for so many years that she truly had missed him, even though it didn't begin to compare with the longing she felt for Abe.

The courtroom face was crumbling. “I've missed you too.”

His voice was softer now, and Toni was sure she saw a hint of tears in his eyes. She was going to have to do something to break the ice. “This is really awkward, isn't it?”

He nodded. “I hate it. We've always been so close.”

“Yes. Always. It's my fault. Can you… forgive me?”

The courtroom face was dissolved completely now. “I already have. I'm not angry anymore. It's just…” He closed his eyes briefly, as if gathering his strength, then took a deep breath. “I need to know what you've decided about Abe… and me. Who is it going to be, Toni? You can't have it both ways.”

“I know that.” She spoke softly, willing herself not to cry, determined that he not realize the depth of her feelings for Abe or how very painful it was for her to deny them. “I had no intentions of my relationship with Abe coming between us. I just wanted his help with… well, there's no sense rehashing all that. You already know. The point is, I have told Abe that I do not need his help anymore and that he is not to call me or—”

“You told him that?”

Toni nodded. “Yes.”

Brad jumped up from his chair and hurried to Toni's side. Kneeling beside her, his eyes wet with tears, he took her face in his hands. “Oh, Toni, I love you so much. I've been so miserable without you.”

The joy on his face broke her heart almost as much as the pain she had seen there earlier. True, she had missed Brad, but the only reason
she had been miserable was that she had been trying so desperately to convince herself that Abe was no longer a part of her life, that he never could be, that she must go on without him and work things out with Brad. Had it not been for the strength she drew from her deepened relationship with her heavenly Father, she knew she would not be sitting here having this conversation with Brad. She would, instead, be exactly where her heart longed to be—in the arms of Abe Matthews, telling him of her true feelings for him, begging him to forgive her for lying—and praying that God, in turn, would forgive her for her disobedience.