Obsession (20 page)

“Do you truly hate your birthmark?”

“I suppose not. But it’s another reminder that I don’t quite fit in. Like my hair.”

He nuzzled her neck, the slight stubble of his night beard abrading her flesh. She shivered with pleasure.

“Your hair is beautiful. Living fire. It sets you apart from the ordinary Lupine.”

“And sometimes all I want is to be ordinary.”

Raphael drew back, looking thoughtful.

“Sometimes I hate seeing my back in the mirror.” He sighed so deep his chest rose and fell. “It’s a tie to my past. Every time I see those scars, it’s a reminder of my failure to protect my people.”

Jessica nudged him over to his side. When he obliged, she kissed his scars, wishing she could erase them with her mouth.

Then he rolled over again and captured her in his arms, and made love to her all over again.

Jessica shattered in his arms, hugging him to her as she climaxed. Groaning, he joined her, then collapsed atop her.

Never had she imagined anything like this, so intense and shattering.

Panting, he looked down at her, a hank of his dark hair spilling into his face. The cruel savagery of lust faded from his expression, replaced by wonder, and something akin to tenderness.

“I’m crushing you.”

She liked having his heavy weight atop her. But Raphael slowly pulled out, making her wince. Then he rolled to his side, drew her into his arms. She curled into him, her head upon his shoulder, sweat slicking their bodies.

Listening to his heartbeat.

He kissed her temple and then lay quietly.

Jessica dozed off, a last thought burning through her brain before she fell asleep.

Why had Raphael, strong, sexual and pure alpha, had remained celibate for seven years?

* * *

The night greeted him with a sharp breeze whistling through the pines, the sharp bite of cold digging into his skin.

After locking the house, ensuring Jessica would remain safe inside, Raphael ran through the woods. Wind slapped at his naked body as dirt and sharp pine cones dug into his calloused soles. He barely felt the pain. Something wet, salty and warm ran down his cheeks.

He was alpha. Strong. Domineering.

Grieving.

He did not shift. Kept running, branches slapping his arms, scratching him. Breath labored out of him, but he pushed on, pushing away the clawing memories.

Wounds buried deep, but bleeding fresh.
Britney.

Eyes of palest blue staring at him and then fading. Crimson blood trickling down her cheeks, mingling with the salt of his tears as he cradled her in his arms and rocked her, begging her to live.

Cold, so cold and stiff, where she’d once been warm and soft in his arms. Frozen. He’d kissed her mouth, breathing his life into her.
Please wake up, please wake up, please…

But she did not wake up.

He’d screamed as The Monster and his army dragged him away from Britney’s sightless, staring eyes, her mouth parted on a last whisper that burned into his brain.

“I love you, Raphael.”

Britney was dead, buried in a pine box far below the earth. He’d found her body, and the bodies of his slaughtered pack, after escaping the cage. He had buried the dead, but could not lessen the grief he’d refused to release after the initial shock

Raphael had sworn never to love again, never again feel a woman’s soft skin against his, and know the fierce joy of losing himself in her arms, not until he’d destroyed the Lupine who killed her.

He’d vowed, damn it, to never fall again. He kept her memory burning, locked it up like a precious jewel. Kept the grief buried and festering, protected by his armor of revenge. Never again would he love another woman.

He didn’t deserve to love, to be loved. Not after failing to keep his future mate safe.

Jessica had turned him crazed with desire. He’d thought he could share his body, and sex wouldn’t shatter him. But now the fiery redhead had burrowed deep into his heart and captured him with her sweet smile, her laughter and passion. The wonder in her eyes as they’d made love had undone him, the tiny cries of her pleasure melting the ice around his heart.

Panting, Raphael stopped, bracing one hand on the knobby trunk of a pine tree. Sweat and tears slid down his face, dripped onto the ground like raindrops. The pressure on his chest increased as he tried to recall details of Britney’s sweet, rounded face, the sound of her laughter.

But all he could remember was the awed wonder in Jessica’s eyes, the sultry moans he’d coaxed from her as he’d thrust deep inside.

He had released his ruthless control, lost himself in his emotions. Making love, and it had been making love, not sex, with Jessica had shattered him. Nothing held back, but raw, honest feeling.

Raphael had anticipated her first time carefully. The violent emotions and wild sensuality of her Lupine nature would undo her. She needed plenty of cuddling, and holding and tenderness. He’d anticipated all this, and thought he could have sex with her without engaging his own emotions.

How utterly stupid! He wanted to cradle her tightly in his arms, murmur soothing words, and inside, he was broken.

Jessica had wrenched him to the core. Even when making love with Britney, he hadn’t felt this connected. The depth of the intimacy scared him. He thought he could slip away, throw up the mental barrier that had kept him safe all these years since Britney had died.

Jessica had torn down that barrier with her sweet smile, her passion, her refusal to conceal her own needs.

Her very honest need for him.

Oh, he’d wanted her, with the obsessive, carnal need of all males of his kind. Wanted her naked and spread out for him, wanted to make her his own in the most primal of acts. It was within his alpha nature to sexually dominate.

Raphael never dreamed such a tiny, fiery Lupine could dominate his heart.

He didn’t want connection or bonding. He wanted revenge and for the first time since he’d crawled from that cage in New Mexico, broken and bleeding, revenge had taken a back seat.

Instead, he’d been filled with thoughts of Jessica, only her. The softness of her skin, the delicious clasp of her around his throbbing cock, the floral scent of her swimming in his nostrils, the slight salt of her flesh as he’d licked his way across her body.

Her tiny sighs of fevered excitement and the surprise in her eyes as he’d given her pleasure, and received pleasure in return.

Most of all, she’d refused to hold anything back. Not the vulnerability in her gray eyes, nor her awkward and charming lack of experience. Jessica was a pupil eager to learn, and exquisitely attuned to what he wanted to teach her.

He had opened her body and showed her the sensual promise of pleasure all Lupines craved.

She had opened her heart and showed him a future filled with all the tenderness and love he’d thought he’d never regain since losing Britney.

Raphael sank to the ground, lifting his face to the cold, uncaring night, to the frozen stars. Memory flickered, like distant starlight. So many walks he and Britney had taken through woods like this, their fingers laced together, making promises for the babies they’d never have. She was sweet, and gentle. His angel.

“My devil,” she’d called him, laughing.

Was Britney up there? Looking down at him and missing him, as he’d missed her so much all these years? Had she forgiven him for failing to keep her safe?

“I love you,” he whispered to the sky.

Burying his face into his hands, he felt the pressure in his chest increase until it cracked like an eggshell.

He sobbed, rocking back and forth, releasing the grief, letting it go. For seven years, grief had glued him together, the coldness inside him better than the agonizing pain of loss. He’d refused to feel, refused to really live.

How long could a heart remain cold and empty?

And deep inside, he knew the answer. Seven years. It was time to let go of the past. He must go on.

He’d keep her safe in his heart. He had Jessica now, Jessica with her fierce will to live, her stubborn temper and her bravado. Jessica who needed him, even if she didn’t admit it.

Jessica, who waited for him back in his warm bed, her body soft with loving.

Standing, he stared at the heavens one last time. “Goodbye my love. Sleep, my beautiful angel.”

The wind dried the tears on his cheeks as he returned to the house.

Jessica was awake and sitting up, hugging her knees as he returned to the bedroom. Raphael sat, studying her face.

“What’s wrong? Why did you leave me?”

The forlorn note in her voice nearly broke him all over. A fierce resolve filled him. He would not let anyone hurt her. Not even himself.

He’d destroy anyone who dared to harm Jessica. And this time, not fail as he’d failed Britney and his pack.

Raphael gathered both of her hands into his and brought them to his mouth. He kissed her knuckles. “I never told you about my past.”

“You told me about the ones who hurt you, and killed half your pack.” Jessica pulled her hands free and touched his damp cheeks. “There was someone else.”

His mouth worked. “Her name was Britney. I had chosen her as my mate.”

Thickness filled his throat. He could not speak. The incredible pressure returned to his chest. But Jessica waited.

He looked at her solemn face, the long lashes, her high, aristocratic cheekbones and her red, full mouth.

Nothing like Britney, who’d been dark-haired, almost meek, and gentle.

Emotion thick in his throat, Raphael looked away. “I was in bed with her when the attack started. I ran downstairs to fight. I locked the door to keep her safe. I was battling a Gnome in the living room when I heard her scream. She wasn’t as strong as others, couldn’t really defend herself. Two Changeling Gnomes had broken down the door. One stabbed her in the heart with his claws. I raced back up the stairs to her, and killed the Gnomes, but it was too late. Britney died in my arms.”

He waited for her to make soothing noises. To tell him it was okay, when he knew it was not okay. To give him the same platitudes others had given him after his heart had turned to frost, then ice.

To tell him he shouldn’t hurt.

Jessica bit her lip and a low growl rumbled from her chest.

Startled, he drew his brows together. “Jessica?”

“Those bastard Gnomes! How dare they kill your mate! The one you loved.” Her mouth trembled and moisture sprang to her eyes. Her voice dropped to a whisper. “No one should ever have to watch someone they love die.”

Raphael felt deep tenderness. No one ever came to his defense like that.

“It was my fault. I was alpha, leader of the pack. It was my duty to protect her.”

“You were protecting the pack. You didn’t know. You thought she was safe.”

He felt the old pain, but it wasn’t as knife sharp, more a dull ache. “I’ve never talked with anyone about this.”

Jessica touched his cheek. “Raphael, you’re not invincible. You were betrayed. Even alphas need help at times, no matter how strong the pack is. And all these years, you’ve mourned her alone, never letting anyone know.”

She kissed his hands. “Thank you for sharing this part of yourself with me.”

The tightness in his chest eased a little.

“Tell me what she was like.”

For the next few minutes, he talked about Britney. It felt freeing to finally give voice to the past, to memories he’d fiercely kept buried and safe. “I loved her. She was meek and gentle, and she needed me.”

Needed him to protect her. Not fit for an alpha’s mate, others had told him. You need a strong female to rule at your side, they’d said. But Raphael had loved her vulnerability.

Jessica held his hand, staring at his fingers.

“I don’t know what it’s like to be loved like that. To have a pack who would die for you, to have a mate who captured your heart. I can’t ease your pain, Raphael. I can’t tell you it’s going to be fine, because you never get over something like that. Just like I never got over losing my whole family. You’ve buried your memories for seven years, but I’ve buried mine much longer. And refused to let them surface, until you came into my life.”

A single tear spilled down her cheek and splashed onto the back of his hand. “You get through it, from one day to the next. And then one morning you wake up and realize, no matter how much it hurts, you just have to keep forging ahead. And have faith that one day it won’t hurt as much. And maybe you’ll find someone to love again.”

Raphael stroked her cheeks. “I’ve never wanted to admit it to anyone how much it hurt, much less myself.”

“I’m so sorry the Gnomes killed the one you loved. You deserve to be loved.”

Burying her head against his shoulder, she wept.

And in holding her, and feeling her warm tears bathe his shoulders, something inside him loosened and released.

Raphael held her tighter, rocking her in his arms, and felt something he hadn’t felt in seven long years.