Of Course I Love You!: Till I find someone better… (14 page)

‘Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck man, I will so kill Vernita if I survive this.’

‘Deb? Can’t you get some guy to side with you? They won’t have to fight, just keep Shawar’s guys from fighting. They might not get into a fight if they foresee it getting out of hand,’ she said.

I knew I couldn’t get anybody to fight for me. I didn’t have any friends who would be willing to fight on my side and I couldn’t involve Shrey in it. I was still on talking terms with girls I had dated or flirted with, but I was sure they would fight on Shawar’s side and not mine. Wouldn’t they just love to see my face smashed against a pavement.

‘No, I don’t think I can get anyone.’

‘What about Viru? Yogi?’

‘I don’t think so. They will take an hour to reach and I can’t drag them into this. They are hardly friends.’

‘Shit!’ she said, covering her mouth.

‘I am officially dead. Is that what you are trying to say?’

‘Not exactly. He loves me. That might save you … if anything can.’

‘You know what? I hate your guts so much right now. How can you be so chilled out? Your boyfriend’s going to be stripped and beaten up and you are just standing there, looking sexy. I hate you with everything I have got.’

‘I love you, baby. Here they come, I guess,’ she said pointing to the red light. Two massive cars screeched to a halt near us. The cars were new but marred with hideous modifications and gross stickers that screamed ‘
Drink beer, fuck fear’
. I couldn’t do any of that. I wondered how many people were inside the two cars.

A door opened. And a dark complexioned midget popped out.

Shawar was barely five-foot-three, two inches shorter than Avantika and a good seven inches shorter than me. He had strange curly hair and bloodshot eyes. It was a funny sight watching him take big strides like a hard-core villain from a low budget south Indian movie. He was in a black shirt, sleeves rolled up, and desperately tried to look menacing. Incidentally, the dog he almost tripped over looked more threatening.

He walked up to me and stopped inches away from me. He was so short that he could have had a whiff at my armpits without bending. I wish he had. My greatest weapon, that is, if he didn’t allow me to place my butt on his face and I had a faint feeling that he wouldn’t. His teeth were decayed, as Avantika had told
me. Too much methamphetamine and gutka does that to you. His skin had red sores all over it. The drugs leave you with an itching sensation. Avantika had survived all that, and I shudder to this day thinking about what would have happened to her if it were not for the Spirit of Living and Sri Guru. Maybe she was right when she said I wouldn’t understand what she had gone through and what Sri Guru meant to her.

‘Let’s go,’ he grabbed at my hand. It wasn’t funny any more.

‘No … no … I can’t come …’ I struggled for words as I fixed my eyes on the bald patches between his curly hair. He would be bald in a few years. Smoking makes you lose hair, and also makes you impotent. I was about to be thrashed by a half-man who was puny and looked ridiculous.

‘What makes you think you are in any position to decide,
chutiye
?’

‘He is not going anywhere, Shawar,’ Avantika said as she freed me from his puny hands.

‘Avantika, I am not talking to you,’ he said as he grabbed my hand again.

‘C … c … can’t we j … u … s … t … just talk here?’ I stammered. I was glad there was nobody around to see the terrified woman in me. There was usually a crowd around in my school days, mocking my helplessness.

‘We fucking can’t. There are certain things we need to settle. You bloody screwed my happiness. I will now do the same to you. You are not getting away with this.’

‘What did I do?’ I squeaked.

‘What did you do? Do you even know who I am? Do you? You bloody took my girl away from me, that’s what you did, asshole. Get it. I will destroy your whole life. Can you do something about it? Go ahead. Try it.’

‘Shawar, mind your language!’ Avantika shouted.

‘Avantika, I love you. I am not doing anything to you. But stay out of this; it’s between the two of us.’ He looked at her. His shoulders drooped and he seemed to melt and sublimate. He reminded me of myself when I first met Avantika. I prayed to
god to turn me into a girl then. You can’t be beaten up and you can choose when you want to have sex.

‘He is my friend. There is nothing between the two of you. Whatever happens will happen here, right now. In front of me.’

‘Yes, in front of her,’ I said.

I repeated it again. He looked at me. I knew I had said something outrageously cowardly, but I didn’t care if it saved my ass. I was surprised I didn’t hide behind Avantika and stick a thumb up my mouth.

‘He is a friend? Vernita bloody told me everything. She hates him. And you? What are you looking at,
bhenchod
? Vernita told me where you are and asked me to bash you up from her side too. This is what his friends think about him. And you left me for him? Why?’

‘Vernita is not a friend,’ I said. I was hurt. I hated her too. But I didn’t want her to be hurt. Deep down she was still a friend. Suddenly, I was angry and I thought about taking Shawar on and beating him to a pulp. Only a little bit though. Maybe in a video game.

‘Shut up, you asshole. Come with me.’ He started dragging me towards the car.

‘SHAWAR!’ Avantika shouted. ‘What do you think of yourself? It’s not his fault. Leave him.’ The mere decibel-level of her voice shook him enough to let go of me. I thanked her. She continued, ‘I love him. And you can do nothing about it. You do anything to him and everything will be over between us. I never loved you. I loved Paritosh. I dated you because I wanted to hurt him. Who do you think you are? You thought we could be together? My foot! I could have bloody stoned myself to death and you would have hardly cared. Shawar, was there a single time when you showed a little bit of care? Once, when you asked me not to drink? Or smoke? Fuck you, Shawar. I love him. You do anything to him, I will
destroy
you. You know I can. Love is not stalking someone, Shawar. Love is what Deb has for me. I was wrong with Paritosh. I was wrong with you. I have finally got it
right. Touch him and you are not getting away with it. I will so
ruin
you. I so will. You have a choice.’

My jaw, literally, hit the ground. I stood there frozen and scared, even though the words weren’t directed at me. She said she used to be a rude bitch before she joined Spirit of Living and I never believed that. Now I did. She could have blown apart a building, shattered glass and ended a war with that outburst. Shawar was just a rich powerful guy. And he was crying.

‘Deb, can you leave us alone for a second?’ Avantika asked me. Shawar had slumped onto the pavement, his head buried in his palms as he sobbed.

‘Sure,’ I winked at her, but she didn’t respond as I would have liked her to.

It was a lovely sight to see him cry. Shawar stayed on the pavement and continued weeping for quite some time.
Who’s the little girl now?
Avantika was sitting right beside him. They talked for twenty minutes and Shawar left in his hideous car, not once looking at me. I had emerged victorious.

‘Thank you, Avantika.’ I hugged her. ‘You beat the shit out of him. That was great!’

‘You found it funny? I had to hurt the poor guy,’ she said and looked away.

‘I am sorry,’ I said.

‘Don’t be. I loved it too. I think he deserved it,’ she winked and hugged me again.

‘Oh, love you.’

‘You know what? He expected you to get some guys with you. He was somewhat disappointed. And yes, there were cops, too, in the car. Just in case. Who knew my new boyfriend would be such a wimp?’

‘A sexy wimp?’ I asked, trying to gain at least somewhere.

‘Yes, a
very
sexy wimp. Thanks, Sri Guru,’ she whispered and I suppressed an urge to ridicule her. I always wondered, would these god-men, evoke the same saintly sentiments if they had to shave off their beards?

Shawar had wasted a lot of our time. It meant Avantika had to go back to her hostel sooner.

‘I think we will have to settle for Tom Uncle’s Maggi, then,’ I said.

‘I was thinking about a night-out,’ Avantika said and winked at me.

‘Now, that was a close shave,’ Shrey said, as he put the form in the envelope. I had just done narrating the incident with Shawar.

‘Yup, nearly had my face boxed in,’ I said, as I darkened the bubbles in the form. Despite being a technophile, he, too, was taking the CAT, the management test that decides the fate of many. Around 2.32 lakh students took the exam every year.

‘How do you rate our chances?’ Shrey asked me.

‘I can’t really say. It all depends on that day.’

‘Yup, that’s true. But you have been studying for it. You will obviously do much better than I will.’ He hadn’t joined a coaching institute while Avantika and I had. We had scored better than him in the mock examinations and he was pissed about it.

‘CAT isn’t about how much you prepare. Maths and data interpretation are purely IQ based and there is nothing much you can do about English if it isn’t above average by now. They can’t teach you how to read, damn it.’

‘Whatever. What happened to Shawar? Any further news?’ Shrey asked to change the topic. We had had numerous arguments on whether coaching institutes helped or not. He had attended mock classes at different centres in Delhi and didn’t
feel challenged enough. I am sure he meant:
there weren’t enough pretty girls
.

‘I heard he was planning to ask his long-time friend Purvi out, the one he puts up a lot of pictures of.’

‘Do you think he has slept with her?’ Viru butted in as he wrapped up the form, too.

‘I think so. I mean it’s highly likely. They get sloshed all the time. It’s possible that they have done it. Anyway, Purvi had had scores of boyfriends, so it’s inevitable. But then again, Shawar is amazingly repulsive. He has red-stained teeth! How can anyone kiss him? But I don’t know, Avantika says she thinks they are sleeping around.’

‘If he’s that ugly then I don’t think he is sleeping around with her. Because if he was, he wouldn’t want to ask her out. Why get into a relationship when you can get everything without getting into one?’ Shrey debated.

‘It’s not as if it would be totally guilt-free sex. Maybe Purvi goes on a guilt trip and gives him a hard time every time they hook up?’

‘Maybe Shawar wants something more than a hook-up. Maybe he wants a real relationship. Not everyone is like you, Shrey. Or you, Deb. People want meaningful relationships, too,’ Viru said in all seriousness.

‘Excuse me? I am in a meaningful relationship!’ I protested.

‘Fuck that! Did you just hear what Viru said? I can’t believe we are taking relationship advice from him!’ Shrey said and all of us doubled up in laughter. The only girls Viru ever talked to were the ones on the metro counters. The only one he had an affair with was in customer care. It had lasted fifteen minutes.

In the world of engineers, where there are no major hetero-groups, we never treated any girl we met as a friend. Everyone was a prospect.
Every
girl was an
opportunity
. Vernita had been one, too. Meaningful relationships, being friends with a girl, being best friends with a girl who’s dating someone else—these were things that meant little to engineering students like us. On the evolutionary chart of dating, engineers represented gorillas.

As for Shawar, his male ego had taken a huge blow. Everyone in his circle knew that Avantika had dumped him for another guy. He had to do something to redeem himself. Purvi was his shot at redemption. Everything was okay as long as he kept his hands off me, which he did.

The last two months before the CAT went exactly as I had not planned. Shrey and I had planned to study together but our study sessions, more often than not, ended up as movie/TV series-watching sessions. The lesser time you have, the greater is the urge to splurge time on things that don’t matter. Occasionally, we switched our phones and PCs off, ready to bring the world down to our feet, but that never lasted beyond an hour. Avantika, meanwhile, worked hard and the results showed. She even threatened to match our scores occasionally. A job had already ensured freedom from her parents, but clearing the CAT would mean doing it in a spectacular fashion. Her parents didn’t know she was preparing for the CAT.

‘Hey, Avantika! All set for tomorrow?’

‘All set? I am so nervous I think I will pass out.’

‘Nervous? Chill! Just go out there and try to attempt the easier questions and you will be through. You have worked hard for this.’

‘Easy for you to say that. You have been the one topping all the mock exams. Not me,’ she argued.

‘All that doesn’t matter tomorrow. It’s what you do in those two hours that matters.’ I had been doing really well in the mock examinations and people had started to expect big things from me. Though I showed I was irritated by their constant
you-will-get-through
thing, I liked it.

‘Anyway, I just hope Sri Guru helps us in the examination.’

‘Helps
you
. I had better rely on
myself
.’

‘Whatever. I am going to sleep now. My centre is two hours away and I have to get up early. Bye. Goodnight. Love you,’ she said.

‘Love you, too. Bye. You will do great.’

I disconnected the line and promptly went to sleep. Sri Guru didn’t help me the next day and the exam went horribly. And once
I started screwing up the paper, I started picturing all my fellow classmates (a few of them from school, too) laughing at me, as if saying, ‘
You couldn’t do this, you are such a fool.
’ And laughing the hardest amongst them was Vernita. I screwed the exam big time.

Avantika didn’t answer my calls for the rest of the day. I assumed she had screwed it up, too. Shamefully enough, I was happy about that. I spent the day writing about my CAT debacle on my blog. My fictional make-out escapades were a huge hit among visitors to my blog and people had started expecting frequent updates. It is a perverted world, I tell you. I knew many people would start turning up at the secluded, deserted places I had mentioned in my blogs. I used to exaggerate and blow things out of proportion in my blogs and a lot of people tended to believe everything I wrote.

Writing the blog was better because I didn’t want to call up Shrey and listen to him speculate about the cut-offs and his chances. And he did better than me, so I tried to stay away from him. There was no way I could have got through any of the IIMs.

Bad news travels fast and people didn’t fail to bring it to my notice that Vernita had indeed done well in the exam. So consequently, I started trashing the exam itself and began to harbour dreams of making it to Stanford a few years down the line, after I had the requisite work experience. But all of this was just an escapist route and didn’t keep me from making my mind up to take the CAT the next year.

I spent the entire month of December trying not to bump into my classmates who had calculated their scores and fancied their chances at getting interview calls from at least one of the IIMs. I took a few other exams and screwed them up too. I was getting good at it.

The only worthwhile thing I did during December was going out with Avantika every night. We ate out and partied like never before. My dancing skills now extended beyond stomping cockroaches! It felt good when people started treating me as one of the regulars. With Avantika, we always managed to get huge discounts on our bills and it was something that kept us going.

Somewhere between the partying out and the eating, the eighth semester started. It was the last semester, and I knew attendance and marks would cease to matter. Now, all I needed was a job and I got my first opportunity within the first few weeks of the eighth semester.

‘Hey Deb! I have good news for you,’ Avantika said.

‘What?’

‘Eighth semester, baby! I thought you would be now eligible for some off-campus interviews and I forwarded your résumé to Lehman Brothers. They are a big investment bank and they are holding interviews. You have got a call.’

‘No shit!’ This had been the second most exciting news I had heard. First was that nobody who was close to me got any calls from any of the good management institutes. In fact, I had done better than most people around.

‘Yes, shit! Before I forget, they are paying exactly thirty per cent more than the company you were willing to give an arm for—D.E. Shaw. Like that? I told you Sri Guru is great. Isn’t he?’

‘Excuse me.
You
are great. Not Sri Guru. Anyway, when is the interview?’

‘It’s tomorrow. Don’t you dare screw this one up.’

‘I won’t. Will you be coming? And message me the place.’

‘Will do that. And no, I won’t be coming. Sri Guru is reaching New Delhi tomorrow and I am going for his convention. He won’t be returning to India before March. I know you won’t listen, but you should attend this once. Anyway, I will mail you your CV. I made some changes to suit their needs. Do check.’

It was one of the many times that she had put Sri Guru and Spirit of Living before me in her list of priorities. I hated it when she did that, but then she had made it very clear that it was because of her Guru that she wasn’t a wreck any more. We had had many arguments on this, which I invariably lost, convincingly. Just because no one could win an argument against her.

‘Perfect. I
so
love you!’

‘I love you too. Check your mail. I have sent you a document which explains all the basics of finance. I don’t think they will
delve too much into that, but it doesn’t hurt to prepare. And best of luck. Do well.’

‘I will try.’

‘It would be so great if you get through this. You will be a rich guy and you could fly down to Bangalore any time you want to! What say?’

‘That is so true. By the way, have you tried getting your posting shifted to Delhi?’

‘No, I haven’t, Deb. I see no point in that. There is no tangible growth in the Delhi office. And anyway, we can meet whenever we want to. We have great paymasters, or we
will
have, won’t we?’

‘Ohh … that means I am not important? Only your growth is?’ I said in a baby voice. I hated to think that she was leaving Delhi in a few months. I hated to be an impediment in her career plans but then, it was hard to let her go. This was the first time I had shown my disapproval of her leaving for Bangalore.

‘Of course you’re important, but then …’ her voice trailed off. I wished I had been a little serious in my displeasure at her going away.

‘It’s okay, Avantika, I understand.’

‘Okay, Deb, I will try. I surely will. I will talk to the HR department tomorrow. First, say you will never let me go, only then will I try.’

‘Of course, I will never let you go. You are my baby, how can I let you go? You’re supposed to be mine and I will see to it that it never changes.’

‘I won’t go. You are so sweet, Deb. I don’t know what I would do without you,’ she said. ‘I will talk to the main office tomorrow. Or after my exams are done. I love you more than you do.’

‘Thank you. Love you. I will call you in a while.’ I was ecstatic and hopeful.

The next day, I dressed up the best I could and went for my interview. As it was an investment bank that paid a ridiculous package, the turnout was huge. Most of the guys seemed excessively smart for me … and knowledgeable. I was still the best dressed one. My fat thighs were skilfully hidden behind
the slick suit that Avantika had chosen and had got me at a huge discount.

Somebody once told me that investment bankers are so busy during their seventy-hour work weeks that they often end up sleeping with their colleagues. It was always good for an investment bank if the applicants were people you could fancy in times of distress and frustration. I wished to gain a few points there. Avantika had done a good job on my CV. There were projects on terms I hadn’t heard about before. But she had given me a half an hour class about the projects and had said it was enough.

‘Are you there?’ Avantika asked. It was the twentieth time she had called me that day. The previous ones were to check whether I had gotten up, bathed, brushed etcetera. She really wanted me to clear the interview. I hadn’t bathed though. But my CV was spectacular.

‘It’s been an hour. The list was out just a few moments ago. I am the fourth to be interviewed.’

‘You are the fourth? Just one before Vernita? Cool.’

‘Vernita?’

What?

‘Yes, she is taking the interview, too. Tanmay just told me that she is fifth on the list.’

‘How on earth did she come to know about the interview?’

‘I told Tanmay about the off-campus interview. He had seen your résumé on the computer. He may even have flicked through it,’ she said. For the first time I felt like slapping her somewhere other than her ass. She might have just helped the person I hated the most get a job that I wanted!

‘What the …? Why didn’t you hide it? Are
all you girls
like this? First there was Smriti, who couldn’t hide a relationship and now it’s you? You are all the
same
, aren’t you? I didn’t even tell Shrey about the interview and you slipped this to Tanmay? I cannot believe you did this. Couldn’t you just have lied to him about this?’

‘Deb, I didn’t want to lie to him. I did that before and I regret it. I was not going to do that again.’

I have never understood why people make a big deal about lying. It doesn’t even figure in the seven deadly sins!

‘Have you completely lost it? It was a different matter. It was about a goddamn relationship. This is about my life,
my career
, which you just royally screwed up.’

‘Excuse me, Deb,
goddamn relationship
? I got you this interview, damn it. Now I am sorry I did.’

‘Hey, hey, hey! You didn’t do me a great favour doing that. Tanmay did that for Vernita, too, didn’t he? Anybody would have. But they wouldn’t have told the world to ruin his or her chances. You did that. Thank you for that.’

‘Deb, I am sorry.’ She broke down. ‘I’m really sorry. But did you ever think why
I
didn’t apply for it? It was something I always wanted to do. Finance. I never wanted the job at Mckinsey as much as I wanted this. But I thought … I am sorry.’

Click
. She disconnected the call. I looked around to see everybody staring at me.