Of Darkness and Crowns (19 page)

Kaliope

S
INCE THE RECKONING, BAX
has become my friend. I trust this. Whether or not he initially wanted me to be Bale’s vessel, or if he still has thoughts that I should, seeing as I somehow ended up in Caben’s vicinity so close to Bale’s rebirth… I suppose, it doesn’t matter.

We are friends now. So Teagan can take her slurs and innuendoes, those which she threw at me to make me question everyone, and stuff them. Bax’s actions as of late prove he wouldn’t use me—or at least, if it came down to it, he’d have no choice. And I really can’t fault him there. But first, he’d do everything he could before sacrificing me to Bale…even if it meant leaving behind his family.

It also means one other thing: he doesn’t believe in me.

I realize this now as Caben and I track through the woods. The darkness our only, sorry excuse for a guide. He apparently knows where he’s taking me, and I’m not brave enough yet to ask. Maybe I don’t want to know. Because right now, it’s enough that I’m with him.

My plan was to abandon all who I cared for—in order to keep them safe—and find Caben. Plan accomplished. And to some degree, it’s a better scenario than I envisioned. I had thought we’d trade blows, beat one another to a bloody pulp. And somehow, I’d wear him down enough to lure Bale to the surface. Then…attempt another botched healing like in the Cage?

Clearly not. That failed horribly the first time. I’d thought about offering my own body and mind as a trade. If that’s what it came to, I’d have done it. I’d have found a way to switch places with Caben. But now I see that’s not going to happen. Bale won’t allow it.

She knows I house a part of
her
. A part she strived hard to banish, and she will fight to never be joined with it again. Teagan believes reuniting the two will make her goddess whole. That it’s my fate to bring them together. But am I allowed to question what happens to me after the fact? Am I to take to becoming a martyr without thought for myself?

That would make me weak, and selfish.

The goddesses picked the wrong human for this job. I’m not some celestial being who puts a whole world before my own desires. I do what I can for the people I love—but I’m not a savior.

I’m afraid. I feel alone. Even as Caben clasps my hand to lead me under a low-hanging branch, I’ve never felt more lonely in my life.

So regardless if I up and decide this moment that I no longer want to be scared and selfish, and I accept this “gift” to become the world’s martyr… Bale won’t simply hop on over into my body. I’m ashamed to admit this, but I don’t know if that realization comes with regret or comfort.

“Just a ways more, love,” Caben says. “We’re close.”

“I’d have thought you’d want to bring your mother, too.” This might be dangerous ground I’m treading, but I need to keep his human side present. His emotions and connections to his life. I doubt the alcohol is helping with that. “Don’t you want her with you?”

His hold tightens around my hand. I’m pushing too hard. “She doesn’t need to see what’s to happen…” He trails off. A heavy puff of breath as he hikes over a bolder, and then, “I want her to remember me how I was. For
who
I was. All that matters is she’s safe.”

A heaviness fills my chest. Openly discerning this feeling as remorse, I hope his mother does remember. Once I’d found a way to get Caben back, I’d planned to try and help his mother recover. Now, I probably won’t get that chance. I give my head a hard shake. No more lying to myself—I will
never
get that chance.

I should have done everything I ever intended or wanted to do. But I was so single-minded, so egocentric. I wanted to believe I was doing the right thing and not being self-centered—but if I’m being honest, then I have to admit saving Caben
was
mostly for me.

I
wanted Caben back.

Regrets…they have no place here. I could lose myself in the sheer number weighing on my soul. The only thing that counts now
is
Caben. The vow I pledged. I already broke one promise by losing his kingdom to Julian. I can’t break another—the most important of all. From this point on, until the moment of Bale’s ascent, I’m fighting for Caben.

With that thought, a sudden, intense pain spikes my chest. My hand grips Caben’s hard as I collapse to the forest floor.

In a blur of movements, he’s on his knees beside me, holding my head off the ground. “Kal? What’s wrong?”

“Something’s not…right,” I manage around short, clipped breaths. The pain intensifies, as if my breastplate is being pierced straight through to my heart.

I close my eyes against Caben’s frantic gaze as he traces every part of me at once. Then as he places a hand in the middle of chest, I say, “No. Wait.”

Anxious, he keeps his palm hovering over me, his mouth pressed in a tight line. I’m surprised he listened, but I don’t want him to send any of his power into me—the way he did at the palace. Though I saw he’s capable of healing, I’m afraid of what could happen; having more of Bale’s power inside me.

And, the pain is starting to lessen. Transforming into a warmth that radiates from beneath my chest and travels my body. As it reaches my limbs, a clear image of Empress Iana appears in my mind. Then I know with certainty it’s my connection to her.

The goddess bond.

Only this feeling is not a warning, nor a glimpse of her current state—it’s the pain that comes from the bond being severed.

I feel tears well in my eyes, and I blink them back. “Help me stand,” I say to Caben. His forehead creases, his mouth parting to say something, but then he nods once and takes my hand in his, his other dipping under the small of my back to help me up.

He doesn’t ask as we slowly start back on our course. For that, I’m thankful. I’m not sure how I could explain the ache pulsing through me at losing the link with my empress. Though it had already begun to weaken, and my faith in her to wane, it was a part of me.

I can’t help but wonder—did I sever it or did she?

Am I being released because of my disobedience, a punishment? Or is she allowing me to seek my own way, free of her?

Regardless of which, I can no longer feel her. I’m truly on my own.

After hours of treading and climbing the jagged outer edge of Perinya, the forest starts to thin. The trees become scattered farther apart, and sand replaces the pine straw. The roar of crashing waves echoes off the giant limestone rocks lining the beach as the sun just blinks on the horizon.

The ocean.

The closest I’ve ever been to it was in Laryn. I remember the floral lightness and the humid blanket that covered my skin. But even there, I was still miles away from the coast. I’ve never been farther than Cavan’s capital or Laryn’s Court in either direction of the Three Realms. I’ve seen images of the beach, though that’s little preparation for what I see once we cross out of the Great Woods.

Something so massive, so never-ending, should terrify me. Powerful waves hammer down on the tightly-packed white sand like the huge being is furious at its existence. As if it’s trying to sever the link between them—but they’re more connected by the violence for it.

My breath ceases in my lungs. At the beauty and chaos of it, but also because the wind is stealing it away. It sends my long strands lashing at my face. And the glimmer of the rising sun peaking from the seam where water meets sky is heart-stopping.

Something inside me recognizes the link. That Caben should be the one here with me now seeing this for the first time. Us, together, bound by love and violence. We’re the spark at the center. Two halves fighting for dominance. Both light and darkness.

“It’s my favorite place,” Caben says, almost too low in the deafening wind.

My heart constricts. He wants his mother to remember him for who he was, yet I’m always to reflect on this moment. Where, had Caben never been possessed, he’d have shown me his place very differently. He’s choosing to spend his last moments alive here. With me.

An overwhelming desire to look into his blue eyes and see him—just Caben—overtakes me. And I’m turning against the wind, searching. He’s standing just feet from the ocean spray, his dark-clad clothing blending into the dark skyline. A silver flask held in one hand near his thigh, his other hand clutching the round pommel of his sword.

I approach him hesitantly, admiring his dark layers of hair whipping around his face. He doesn’t turn to acknowledge me when I’m right beside him, only continues to stare out over the misty water. I don’t want to ruin whatever serenity we’re able to find here. But I need to look into his eyes.

Lifting my hand, I slowly run my fingers through the loose locks just above his nape. He flinches at my touch. He tries to hide it, physically tensing, and squeezes his eyes closed. I step into him, where I can feel the heat of his body. Curling my fingers into his hair, I whisper, “Look at me.”

If what Bax says is true, then this moment can be ours. I hate that he’s anything but rational in his inebriated state—but it’s the closest I’ve been to the real Caben since he told me he loved me in the Cage.

It might be the final time I’m able to tell him that I love him, too, before Bale…

His eyes open. And my heart sinks.

Though they’re the blue I remember and have longed to see again, they’re ringed with silver. Not the gray that lightened them into the brightest blue I’d ever seen, but an ethereal lining that sends shivers down my spine.

He’s in there…somewhere. Fighting. But Bale has her talons in deep. And she’s stronger.

Caben is a skewed version of his formerly honorable self. He might be shutting Bale out of his conscious thoughts, but her dark essence is still pervading his mind. Still, if this is as close to Caben that I’ll ever be again…I’ll take it. If this was to be our future, if he could banish Bale into a corner of his mind always, we might’ve been able to make it work.

But isn’t that just, again, my own selfishness? Wanting to keep him here? He’d forever struggle, an exhaustive battle, just to remain a shadow of his former self. He’d eventually go completely mad. What kind of life would that be?

The merciful thing to do would be to kill him. Right now. Snatch his sword from his hip and end his torment. The protector in me screams to do just that. The hand not holding onto to Caben clenches into a fist at my thigh as I battle my conflicting emotions.

Before my thoughts go further in their bleak direction, Caben drops the flask to the sand and grips the seams of my shirt. Balling the fabric in his hands, he yanks me up against him, body to body. And his forehead just rests against mine.

He inhales deeply, his eyes close. “Get lost with me.”

An unsteady breath escapes my lips.

Let go. That’s what he’s saying, and it makes my whole body tremble, my eyes tear. From now until the black, new moon rises, we could lose ourselves in each other. Would it be so wrong?

Maybe I should let go—just give in and fall into Caben. Let fate land where it may. Because truly, if I am the goddesses’ weapon, they might not even allow me to make my own choice. At the very second the new moon attacks the sky, my free will could vanish. And Bale could be forced right into me, the mercury inside me—her divine blood; my ultimate traitor—calling to her and imprisoning me.

Maybe that’s all that needs to happen. For me to be near Caben during the moment of her ascension, and all the stars and planets will align. Fate. So why not just let go…for a while?

Sucking in the chilly air, mixed with Caben’s scent and the tang of alcohol, I breathe deeply. Then, “I’m already lost, Caben.”

He opens his eyes, and his silver-ringed irises gleam in the dark early morning. His grip on me tightens, and when his lips crash against mine, I let go. Completely.

Lost.

Goddesses, help us all.

♦
23
♦

Caben

K
AL TASTES LIKE UNEQUIVOCAL
desire.

My hands instinctually plunder beneath her shirt and seek the warmth of her soft skin. There’s a foggy haze, a thin veil, separating me from her. Keeping us apart—and I want to tear through it. This physical connection only satisfies one part of me, not all.