Of Hustle and Heart (18 page)

CHAPTER 31

ZINA

I
don’t believe his girlfriend is that sound of a sleeper. She’s too evil to go down so easy. Any minute she’ll come searching for her man, asking him to pour her a glass of water or some type of foolishness. Or maybe not. Maybe she’s passed out in a stupor. Either way, Blanca was right. He likes me, and he’s incredible-looking.

“There’s plenty of food. You hungry?” He smiles, warm and comfortable with me again and me with him. “I think there might be a couple boxes of pizza left.”

“I’m hungry. What kind is it?”

“Papa John’s,” he says.

“Whuut…Papa John’s my fav.”

Your
fav
, huh?” he mocks my teenage vernacular. “C’mon.”

He grins, offering his hand. I take it and shudder from his touch. The energy between us is new and intriguing. I didn’t expect to feel this comfortable alone with him. He pulls me toward the house.

“Wait, can we check out the horses? I didn’t get to see them.”

“Yeah, I’ll take you to see the horses. But do you want to come with me while I get the food?”

I don’t want to go near the house, because I don’t want the chance of running into the girlfriend. “Uh, no. I can wait here while you go.” I pull away and walk back to the fence, but he rushes at me and grabs my hand.

“No. I’m not leaving you out here again.”

He places his arm around my shoulder and takes me inside with him.

A friend of his mother, a jovial, middle-aged man named Clifton, is in the kitchen, helping with the cleanup duties.

“Cliff, where’s my mom?” Zack asks, chewing on a piece of smoked sausage he found in one of the foil roaster pans.

“She’s gone to bed,” Cliff says.

“Oh. What about Whitney?”

Clifton looks at me. “Haven’t seen her, Zacarias. She must’ve gone to bed too.” He eyes me curiously. “And you are?”

“This is Zina,” Zack says.

We exchange greetings and shake hands as Zack goes around checking pizza boxes for one that hadn’t been touched.

“What kind do you like?” he asks, shoving another piece of sausage into his mouth.

“I like pepperoni or spinach.”

“Do you want anything else—pasta, virgin daiquiri, water…smoked sausage?”

My stomach growls as he gathers two boxes of pizza, a plate of smoked meats, and a roll of paper towels. He hands me a couple cans of soda and then grabs half a jug of tea from the fridge.

“Okay, you ready?” he asks.

“Yep.”

I follow him and can’t help but smile. This all feels so romantic and cool. When we get to the stables, Zack sets the jug of tea down and pulls one of the doors open. He grabs a blanket from the corner and lays it out on the ground.

“Here, sit on this,” he says.

I straighten out my end and pick any intrusive straw away.

“Which horse do you like?” Zack asks.

“Uh…oh, I don’t know. I wish I could’ve seen them earlier, when they were out under the party lights,” I say. I’m hungry as hell, so I take the biggest slice of spinach pizza and shove a fourth of it into my mouth. Zack watches me as I wipe Alfredo sauce from the corners of my mouth. I sense his nerves going from one extreme to the next.

“We got off to a terrible start today, didn’t we?”

I swallow and chug half a can of strawberry soda behind it. “Nah, we started off pretty good. Your girlfriend and I…’nother story.

“I know. I’m sorry. Even with the wine she was bitchy as hell.”

I lean backward, extending both arms behind me for support. His face goes dim, void of warmth. It’s freaky, but I ignore it. He watches me. His eyes roam my body, but he says nothing. The moon is full and hanging in the dusky sky, its light casting a shadow over Zack’s face. His milky brown eyes go soft, and the tension in his jaw gives way. I’m staring as he moves toward me. He wraps a long, lean arm around my waist and kisses me on the cheek. As he does, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I can’t resist. I kiss him back. He pulls away and stares into my eyes like no one ever has. I don’t want to lose my virginity in a barn. I panic, nervous that Zack wants more from me than I want to give him. I don’t want to ruin our fledgling friendship, but I want to keep kissing him. His kisses are smooth and effortless, making me feel loved and wanted, so I let him kiss me again and again. With each kiss he pulls me closer, holds me tighter. I feel his excitement rising. I pull away in protest, but he grabs me and pulls me onto his lap.

CHAPTER 32

ZACARIAS

I
wrap my hands around her waist and pull her toward me. I sit her on my lap. I maneuver her legs until she wraps them around me. Her nerves are getting to her, which I understand.

“Zack—”

I silence her with a kiss. She manages to pull away, but I move toward her. As I climb on top of her, I stare into her eyes. She’s with me in this.

I touch every part of her. The urge to tear her thin, white T-shirt down the middle is overwhelming. She reaches up with both hands and kisses me, holding my head in perfect position with hers. When I lift her shirt, she pushes my hand away.

“What now?” she asks as she pulls her mouth away from mine.

I lift her shirt again as she sits up. The kisses come longer and harder. I reach down and tug at her jeans, and she arches her back to help me get them off.

“Take your shirt off,” she whispers.

Her wish is my command. I’m under her spell. As I remove my shirt, she stares at my chest, her eyes lingering on my stomach. She freezes as if in shock. I move toward her, and she leans back as I lay her down. Her yellow panties are thin. I can see the small mass between her legs. She notices me staring and tries to sit up, but I stop her, grabbing her around the waist, pulling her down.

She wiggles beneath me and whispers, “Your hands are cold.”

I’m suddenly overcome with fear. I guess Zina senses it, because she sits up, apprehension written all over her face.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

This is not what I’d pictured if I’d had any time to picture us at all. I look at her bra that I’m holding it in my hand. She’s too young. She shifts across from me, holding her place as she waits for me to make up my mind, her jeans and T-shirt tossed into a pile behind us. The anxiety in her face turns into full-blown fear, and I don’t want that. I don’t want her to be afraid of this. She at least deserves a mattress and four walls—not straw and the bulging eyes of a stable full of horses. But if this is what she wants, I am pleased to be the one to give it to her.

I grip her, my arm tight around her and pulling her atop my lap. She wraps her long arms around my neck and shifts until she’s comfortable. I bury my face into the side of her neck, inhaling the scent of her. My transformation has begun! I hold my breath as she runs her long, slender fingers through my hair and knots them in my soft curls.

The stable is quiet. I hear nothing but her eager moaning and the hungry smacking as our lips connect again and again.

I pin her down.

“May I?” I ask, breathless, my body throbbing.

She looks confused and presses her hands against my chest. I kiss her. She pulls her mouth away from mine.

“I…no, I can’t,” she whispers. “We’re in a barn. Stop. No, stop it, Zack…”

She covers her breast, crossing her arms over them. I move her arms and squeeze her breast, running my thumb across her nipple. I don’t stop. I let my emotions carry me, no longer thinking. I push inside of her, breaking the barriers of her teenage body. She squirms violently underneath me, as I work to keep her there. I kiss her on the mouth, hoping to distract her from my entrance. She quiets down; her body goes limp as she gives in and squeezes her eyes shut. She gasps for air and pounds on my chest as my body begins to jerk inside of hers.

I pull back a little and look at her. When I do, she reaches up and grabs a handful of my hair and yanks hard.
Is that worry on her face? Discomfort?
I tell myself to be gentle, as I keep pumping, filling her.

Her body—her existence—calms me in a way I hadn’t expected. I’ve never felt like this: happy, calm, and excited all at once. I thrust again, relieved and a bit disappointed when the end comes.

Afterward, she’s unresponsive and sits with her knees drawn in to her chest. I dress her slowly once we’ve completed our lovemaking. As I snap her bra, she shudders under my hands. I rub the back of her neck, but she jerks away. I want to kiss her, hold her, but she won’t look at me. I find her jeans and underwear in a shallow straw pile. I examine them and carefully brush the straw from the yellow lacy panties. I look at them, remembering how I’d yanked at them earlier.

She gives me an uncomfortable look and beckons for me to hand her the underwear.

“That’s kinda weird,” she snaps at me.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I—”

“It’s fine.”

She dresses faster than me and hurries to the stable doors. As she stands in the doorway, the tangerine morning sky catches her attention.

“The sky looks really different out here,” she says. “I’m different now,” she mumbles.

While her back is turned, I hop back into my jeans. She walks away, and I call out to her to wait for me. She stops, glancing from the corner of her eye. She says something under her breath and then turns and picks up her pace.

“Wait, Zina!” I chase her, annoyed by the way she disregards me. She whips her head around.

“You ain’t gotta walk me to my car. I remember where I parked.”

“I know you can find your own car.” Her phone is in her hand. She glances at it nervously. “Are you okay?”

“Don’t worry about it,” she snaps at me, tears in her eyes.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

She looks at me, frowning. I step toward her. I want to rectify whatever I’d done to upset her.

“Why didn’t you stop?” she asks. “I didn’t really want to…”

I freeze, terrified. “You didn’t say no…” The words come out of my mouth, but I can’t hear them over the roaring in my ears.

“I did,” she replies. “It hurt.”

I shake my head. “N…no, we—you wanted…Zina, you wanted to.” I blink away the sting in my eyes.

“You stayed with me, you came back to me, and you wanted me. What are you saying?” The ringing in my ears grow louder.

“I told you…!” she screams and then turns away, hurrying to her car. “I can’t talk about it,” she cries.

“Wait…wait, what did you tell me!” I struggle to grab my belongings from the stable as the blood rushes to my head and she gets closer to her car. I drop my shoes and run after her. She hears me coming and whirls around to face me.

“Stop!” she screams, her voice shaking. “Don’t follow me!” she cries. I break my stride so fast, I stumble and slid on the dirt. “How could you?” she sobs.

My chest heaves, and my hands shake. I do my best to calm her down. “Please. I don’t want this for us, between us…I
needed
to be with you last night. It wasn’t wrong.”

“I didn’t want to!” Her face twitches as she backs away from me. She turns and runs full speed to her car.

“I didn’t force you!” I run after her until she makes to her car.

I call out to her, panicked from her claim. As Zina revs her engine, the dirt from beneath her back wheels create an imposing dust cloud.
Please. No.

I chase after her car as she peels out of the gravel parking lot.

CHAPTER 33

ZINA

I
’m aching because Zack was on top of me for too long. And sore from him being inside of me. I take a shower, washing the straw and dirt from my hands and hair. My mind drifts while I stand in the shower, haunted by the betrayal of a handsome face and the softness of his touch.

I regret what happened tonight, but it could’ve been so much worse. I think about the way he hesitated; not many would have. At least he was gentle. I guess I appreciate that part. I breathe deeply underneath the warm faucet. I wash the fluid from between my legs and stand under the flow of hot water, staring at the moldy shower tiles. I should’ve had more control with him. I should’ve said no sooner. Maybe he didn’t hear me when I said it. Maybe saying no once wasn’t enough. My eyes burn as I remember him on top of me, pushing his way through me. I’m angry beyond anything I’ve ever felt. I can still feel my mouth all over his. I can’t believe how I wanted to kiss him, over and over, even though I was scared to have sex with him. I feel so fucking guilty. I can’t ever tell anyone. No one needs to know what I did.

When I get out of the shower, I don’t feel like myself, and I hate it. No one ever claims to like sex the first time, but they do claim it was their choice. I tear up and quickly wipe my face with my towel. It was too much too soon. And worst thing yet, he didn’t even stop to slip on a condom. Motherfucker.

Tony calls while I’m sitting on my bed wrapped in my towel. I let it go to voicemail. He calls back immediately, and I answer to the sound of a rustic, anguished Spanish voice.

“I called your phone three times last night. Where were you?” he shouts.

I pull the phone away from my ear in disbelief.
Don’t do this right now.
I don’t have an answer for him. He’d know if I lied. I don’t have the emotional strength for that shit. So I don’t say anything.

“Hello? Where were you?”

“I can’t talk right now,” I say. “It’s not good for me…” I catch myself. I don’t know what to say next.

“You can’t talk right now?” he asks, suspicion in his voice.

I should hang up now. “Ma’s calling me,” I say quickly. “I gotta go.” I hang up before he can protest.

My phone continues to vibrate. I ignore it for almost an hour before I roll over to check it. Tony’s texted me.

Don’t play games with me, Zina. Don’t insult my intelligence. Next time I call you, you better call me right back.

Okay…Can I go to sleep now?

Yes, chica. Sleep easy, mama. Will talk to you tomorrow
.

Sunday morning, around seven forty-five, I finally go to sleep. I lie in my bed dressed in the black tee that I’d boosted from Tony’s apartment while he was gone. I drift in and out of exhaustion, fighting my sleep, hearing Zack’s voice, seeing his smile. I pull the neck of Tony’s T-shirt up over my nose. It smells like him, which nauseates me. What if he
takes
the way Zack does? I’d never know until it was too late.

I slept all fucking day. I didn’t wake up till Monday.

After homeroom, the students of Albert Chesney filter into the hallways, doing their best to grind their way through the rest of the year. Prom is three days away and the day before my birthday. I hate the idea of it all. I walk passively down the hall toward my parenting class, which is right next to Blanca’s locker, in a section of hallway known to be the hotbed of the senior social scene. Because it’s the cluster of lockers where most of the jocks house their stuff, everyone gravitates here, especially the thirsty freshmen and sophomores. Blanca’s head is buried in her locker. She’s wearing a high, slick ponytail; jeans; and Adidas deck shoes. I know already that this is a blow-off day; she won’t be taking anything school-related serious today.

“What’cha doing?” I ask as I lean over her shoulder.

“Cleaning out my locker,” she replies, without interrupting her work.

“You’re gonna finish before the bell rings in seven minutes?”

She continues snatching loose sheets of notebook paper and beaten-up textbooks out and tosses them to the floor.

“I don’t wait till the last minute. Besides, I’m missing something.”

I step back, leaning against the locker next to hers. I nearly slip on a loose sheet she’s tossed on the floor.

I reach down and snatch her trash from the floor. I hold the pile of papers out toward her, but she doesn’t respond. I toss the pile in the big tin trash can next to her locker.

“What’s wrong with you?” I ask.

“Nothing,” she says, picking up her textbooks from the hallway floor.

I bend down and grab two in my hands. “I’m not going to prom.”

“What the hell?” she yells. “Why not?”

“I don’t know. I don’t feel like it. I don’t have anyone to go with, and it just seems like a lot for not much of anything.”

She gapes at me through narrowed eyes. “Bitch, that’s bullshit.”

“Language,” I say. “We’ve been looking at most of these people for, like, five or six years, bro. Enough! I’m ready to move on.”

“Fuck that. You are going,” she says.

I begin to protest, but she stops me, furious. “No, Zina! I don’t want to hear this crap. You have no legitimate reason
not
to go, and you are pissing me off right now. Part of the reason we started dealing was so you could have the money you needed for prom and all this other crap. Now you wanna take the money and run?”

“No, I’m not running.”

“Then what?”

“I just don’t feel…”

“Feel what?”

“Nothing. Never mind.”

She cuts her eyes at me. “What is up with you?”

“Nothin’. I’m good.”

“Well, the punk ass golden boy who’s too afraid to admit he likes you will be glad to take you,” she says.

I flinch. “No way.”

“Uh, yes way. We haven’t been fighting these girls for nothing.”

“I don’t want to go with him. What about Beatrice?”

Blanca looks at me for a long moment. “Yeah, you want to go with him. Shannon and Beatrice have been on the rocks since she got into it with you and Robert in the hallway.” She smiles and wraps an arm around me. “Don’t worry, Zee. I got you.”

Blanca and Rachel both text me during second period.

He still wants it. Lol. Shannon’s coming
, Rachel writes.

The green-eyed monster stalks again! #meant2be
, Blanca adds.

Do not send him after me
, I text them both.

2 late
, Rachel responds.

Fuck. Right after third period, Shannon finds me in the west building, waiting in line for my turn at the vending machine. I almost run when I see him walking toward me, the sun reflecting off his green eyes.
Shit.
I never thought he’d look for me down here. No one comes to this building during this time of the day unless they have gym or a junk-food craving. I lower my head when I see him coming. He walks up and offers to pay for my snacks.

“It’s okay, I got it,” I say as he stands next to me in line. “Sooo, what do you want?”

He shuffles from foot to foot. “I never thought it’d be this hard to ask a girl to prom.”

“Shannon, you don’t have to. I know Rocky and Bee, like…forced you.”

“They didn’t force me. They just told me where you’d probably be—down here tryna get an apple pie,” he says.

“I’m down here for water.”

“So…” He stares at me.

I’m tired of men staring at me. “So what?”

“Prom…” he whispers. “Please?”

“Please.” I cut my eyes at him. “What about Beatrice?”

“We broke up,” he says. “I know you don’t trust me anymore,” he says, “but you will.”