Of Love & Regret (6 page)

“I think that’s a
good idea. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to end up marrying her and
having 2.5 kids, but it’ll be good for you to see what it’s like to be in a
stable relationship. Maybe once you realize that committing to someone doesn’t
necessarily mean a life sentence, you’ll be more willing to give other women a
chance when the time comes.”

“I think you’ve
been watching too much Dr. Phil,” Logan said with a grimace. “Next thing you
know, you’ll be telling me to read a book about the different love languages. Kayleigh
kept trying to foist that book on me, telling me that it would
enlighten
me. Fortunately, I’m as
enlightened as I want to get.”

I laughed at his
disgruntled expression. It was a relief to feel at ease with him again, and to be
able to relax and enjoy his company. We spent the next few hours watching
cheesy primetime sitcoms that were dominated by laugh tracks, but it was enjoyable
because we were watching them together. I even found myself laughing at the
dumb jokes because I was in such a good mood, although Logan’s acerbic comments
at the lowbrow humor were even funnier.

“I should head
home,” he finally said as he checked his watch. “I have a few files to go
through before I go to bed.”

“Don’t stay up all
night,” I said with a frown. Now I felt bad that he had left work early, but I
couldn’t deny the small thrill that went through me because he had apparently
wanted to see me enough to put his work on the backburner. I pushed the feeling
away since it had no place in a strictly platonic friendship.

“What time do you
want to leave on Saturday?” he asked as I walked him to the front door. My
stomach dipped at the mention of going to Laurenston.

“Let’s leave at
eleven, since Mrs. Brooks wants us there by one.”

Logan nodded, but he
didn’t seem too enthused by the prospect of our trip, either. “Thanks for
sharing your Kung Pao Chicken with me. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Sure,” I said,
reaching to give him a hug. We often hugged each other hello and goodbye, like
most friends do, and I had never given it much thought, but my awareness of him
as a man reared its head again, and I felt myself react completely differently
to this hug. His strong arms enveloped me, and I felt lost in the warmth of his
firm, muscled body and the scent of his faintly discernible cologne. His head
briefly rested on top of mine, and I resisted the urge to close my eyes and
sink deeper into him. I felt an odd mixture of comfort and growing desire, and
the unwelcome latter emotion made me quickly break the embrace.

“Talk to you
later,” I said, pasting a smile on my face and praying he hadn’t noticed that
anything was amiss. His expression was completely normal. He obviously had felt
nothing beyond friendship in our embrace.

“Later,” he said
with a quick smile, and then he was gone.

I closed the door
and leaned against it, taking a deep breath to steady my nerves. I was being
ridiculous. I was the one reading way too much into our relationship and if I
wasn’t careful, I would ruin one of the best friendships I had ever had. I
swore to myself that I would keep my head on straight and not let errant
emotions get in the way.

Chapter Six

The rest of the workweek
went by without incident. I met Emily for lunch on Wednesday, and I reassured
her that everything was fine between Logan and I, and that my relationship with
Adam was back on track. Adam came over on Thursday, and I made him dinner and
then we spent a comfortable night in. I went over to his apartment on Friday,
and he reciprocated in kind, although his version of dinner was heating up two
vegan frozen meals.

I decided to not stay
over at Adam’s place on Friday night. I was already feeling antsy about going
to Laurenston the next day, and I preferred to sleep in the comfort of my own
bed.

Saturday turned
out to be a beautiful day, unusually warm and sunny for April, and I dressed for
the warm weather in a gray-striped, casual maxi dress and sandals. I paired it
with a denim jacket in case it got a little chilly later, and anxiously waited in
the living room for Logan to pick me up. I dreaded seeing Mrs. Brooks today,
but felt that it was my duty. For a large part of my life, Mrs. Brooks had been
like a mother to me and had taken me under her wing. She had been the one to
take me to buy my first bra and explained that I wasn’t bleeding to death when
I got my period at an early age. She had always been a happy and cheerful woman—a
social butterfly who made friends easily and doted on her daughter. Cassie’s
death had changed all that. She was a shell of the woman she had once been,
refusing to accept her daughter’s death. In rare times of lucidity, she
acknowledged the fact that Cassie was no longer alive, but I couldn’t remember
the last time that had happened. Most of her waking hours were spent waiting
for Cassie to come back home.

Mr. Brooks was a
patient and kind man, but I didn’t know if he was helping matters by playing
along with her fantasies. He was loathe to shatter her happiness, regardless of
it being based on an illusion, and kept up the farce that Cassie would come through
the front door at any moment. I had attempted to speak to him once in the past
about seeking mental help for Mrs. Brooks. He had gently but firmly shut that
idea down. I had never brought it up again since it wasn’t any of my business, but
as the years passed, it was getting harder and harder to visit them because I didn’t
know how long I could participate in this lie. I wished I could celebrate the
life Cassie had lived and spend her birthday remembering the amazing person she
had been, instead of taking part in a pretense that honored no one.

This wasn’t the
first year Logan had come with me since we had reconnected. He had accompanied
me last year as well, even though we hadn’t been that close then. I think he
had come because he wanted to pay his respects to Cassie’s parents, but he had
been shocked by Mrs. Brooks’ condition. I had warned him about it, but nothing
can really prepare you for having to pretend that someone dead is still alive.
I had pleaded with him to play along because anything that dispelled the notion
that Cassie was still alive made Mrs. Brooks go off the deep end. Logan had
been reluctant, but in the end he had played his part in the morbid charade.

The buzzer
sounded, indicating Logan’s arrival, and I pushed the depressing thoughts from
my mind. I pressed the button of the intercom and told him I would be right
down. I grabbed my purse and the bouquet of white lilies that I had purchased
earlier, and hurried down the stairs. Logan was standing outside by the front
door, and I gave him a quick hug. I was too anxious to think about the feelings
that had bubbled to the surface when I had hugged him the other night. Today’s
hug felt strictly platonic, and I was relieved by that realization.

We got into his
Range Rover that was double-parked and I started fiddling with the radio until
I settled on an alternative station. I rolled down my window, wishing that we
were going on a fun day trip instead of to Laurenston. Logan glanced at me
before turning his attention back to the road.

“How are you
feeling?” he asked.

“Okay,” I replied,
not wanting to dwell on my anxiety. There would be enough time for that later at
the Brooks’ house. “Thanks for coming with me today.”

“Of course,” he
replied. We were silent for a few moments as he navigated the busy streets of
Chicago.

“How was your date
with Ella on Tuesday?” I asked, breaking the silence. “Did you swear your
everlasting love to her and ask her to be yours and yours only?” My tone was
light and joking, but I was aware of how tense I was as I waited for his
answer. We had communicated much less than usual this past week, and I hadn’t
had a chance to broach the subject yet.

Logan gave me a
sardonic smile. “Considering I broke up with her, that would be a no.”

“What happened?” I
tried to sound suitably concerned, but I couldn’t deny the relief I felt. I
told myself it was because I knew Ella wasn’t a good match for him, and Logan
committing to the wrong woman would only reinforce his fear of commitment.

Logan shrugged
noncommittally. “I was ready to give our relationship a real chance, but when I
told her that I wanted to discuss being mutually exclusive, she took off
running with it at a pace I wasn’t ready for.”

“Like how?” I
asked, practically drooling for the salacious details.

“She was already
discussing me going with her to her cousin’s wedding this summer and wanted to
know when I could meet her parents. That’s a little too fast for me.”

“I guess I can
understand where she’s coming from,” I said begrudgingly. “I mean, I would have
been offended if Adam had refused to go to a wedding with me once we decided to
be monogamous, even if it had been in the early stages of our relationship. I
can see how it would be scary to meet her parents, though.”

“It wasn’t only
that.” Logan cleared his throat and glanced at me before continuing. “She also
insisted that my friendship with you was inappropriate, and wanted me to cut
ties with you.”

“Oh.” I was taken
aback by this revelation, and as much as I wanted to rail against Ella and her
unreasonable demand, I could see her point of view, especially with the confusing
feelings that had been bubbling to the surface recently. I wasn’t sure I would
be so comfortable with Adam having such a close female friend whom he confided
in and spent so much time with. I was just lucky that Adam was so self-assured
and confident in our relationship that he had no concerns with Logan and I
being such good friends.

“As much I hate to
admit it, I don’t blame her,” I said with a frown. I turned to Logan and
hesitated before speaking again. “Do you think our friendship crosses any
boundaries?”

I hadn’t planned
on actually articulating my concerns out loud, but maybe if we just discussed
whatever was between us, it would dispel any lingering awkwardness and clear
the air.

Logan kept his
eyes on the road, not looking at me. “What do you mean?”

“What I mean is, I
can totally understand Ella being uncomfortable with our friendship. We spend a
lot of time together, and we’re always calling and texting each other. We’re
basically a couple without the sex.”

I wanted to take
back that last statement as soon as I said it. My whole body was suffused in a
flush, and I cursed myself for not censoring my words. As close as Logan and I
were, one topic we never discussed was sex, whether it was his sex life or
mine. Sure, we joked about it obliquely sometimes, but never in a serious
manner and nothing beyond an offhand quip or comment.

Logan didn’t
answer right away, and when he did, he spoke carefully. “What do
you
think? Do you think we’re crossing
any boundaries? And if we are, what do you think that means?”

“Of course we’re
not crossing any boundaries,” I said quickly, rushing to clear up any
misunderstanding so that he wouldn’t think I was saying there was anything more
between us than friendship. The last thing I wanted was Logan’s pity and
embarrassment for having to set me straight. “We’re just friends. There’s
nothing more between us than there is between me and Emily. I just meant that
other people might think we’re crossing boundaries and believe there’s more to us
besides friendship, which of course we know isn’t true. But I guess our
relationship can be misconstrued by others.”

I realized I was
babbling, trying to cover my awkwardness over the subject with a barrage of
words. When I was done, there was a heavy silence in the car and Logan’s
posture had seemed to stiffen. There was a long pause before he spoke.

“Yeah, I guess
so.”

I had expected
more than a one-sentence response but his tone was casual and his seemingly
stiff posture was now relaxed.

“So you agree that
we’re not crossing any boundaries?” I asked in a neutral tone.

“Of course.” Logan
turned to me with a smile. “We’re friends. If other people misconstrue our
friendship, that’s their problem. We know everything between us is strictly
platonic.”

“You’re right,” I
said, but my stomach dropped at his agreement. I fiddled with the knob to
change radio stations so that I had something to do. By the time I stopped on a
song I liked, I was feeling less unsettled. I told myself I was happy we had
agreed our relationship was just platonic, and that we wouldn’t worry about
what other people thought. I was also happy that Logan apparently thought
enough about our friendship that he wasn’t willing to end it just because a
potential girlfriend frowned upon it, although I told myself it had probably more
to do with him being scared shitless about meeting Ella’s parents.

Our banter remained
light for the rest of the drive, but the coil of tension in my stomach tightened
as we got closer to the Brooks’ home. When we finally arrived, Logan parked in
front of the house and turned off the ignition.

“Ready?” he asked
as he turned to me. I didn’t miss the concern on his face, and as much as I
wanted to smile brightly and reassure him that I was fine, the most I could
muster was a half-hearted smile that was more of a grimace.

“Not really,” I
admitted. “But sitting out here won’t make it any better. Let’s go.”

I grabbed the
white lilies from the backseat and climbed out of the car. Logan got out, opened
the trunk, and took out a huge bouquet of flowers, much larger than mine,
encased in a beautiful glass vase. It was a gorgeous explosion of vibrant
colors, made up of hydrangeas, tulips, roses, and a variety of other flowers I
couldn’t even name. I glanced at my small bouquet of white lilies that were
dwarfed in comparison.

“We can say mine
is from both of us,” he ventured, looking a little discomfited by the disparity
of our bouquets.

I shook my head.
“No, it’s okay. White lilies were Cassie’s favorite flower.” I nodded my head
towards his vase. “Those are beautiful, too, though.”

“Right. Lilies.”
It was clear that Logan didn’t remember Cassie’s favorite flower, but I hadn’t
expected him to.

We walked to the
front door, but before we could ring the doorbell, the door was flung open and
Mrs. Brooks greeted us with a large smile. She looked perfectly coifed with her
dark blonde hair pulled up in a twist. As far back as I could remember, she had
always looked effortlessly put together, and today was no exception. Her gray slacks
and cream sweater offset her slim figure, making her look much younger than her
years.

“Come in, come in!
Madison! It’s so good to see you! It’s been too long.” She immediately
enveloped me in an enthusiastic hug, and I returned it warmly. Despite all my
trepidation about making the trip to Laurenston, I couldn’t forget how much
Mrs. Brooks had done for me over the years.

“It’s good to see
you, too, Mrs. Brooks.”

She pulled back
and studied me from head to toe, nodding approvingly. “You’ve grown up to be
such a beautiful young woman. I remember when you were just a little thing with
those big green eyes of yours.”

She glanced behind
me and her smile widened when she saw Logan.

“Logan!” she
exclaimed. “I barely recognized you! It’s so good to see you, too!”

Logan returned her
hug awkwardly as he tried to balance the vase of flowers in one hand.

“Thanks for having
us over today, Mrs. Brooks,” he said when she finally let go of him. He thrust
the vase of flowers between them, almost as a barrier. “These are for you.”

“They’re
beautiful,” she said with an impish smile. “Cassie will be jealous that I’m
getting flowers from such a handsome boy.”

My stomach dropped
at her mention of Cassie, but it was to be expected. She ushered us into the
living room and noticed my bouquet of lilies for the first time. Her face lit
up.

“Sweet girl. You
always remember Cassie’s favorite flower. She’ll love them.”

I nodded, trying
to smile, but I knew it looked horribly forced. I was relieved when I heard
footsteps approaching and Mr. Brooks joined us in the living room. As vibrant
as his wife was, Mr. Brooks was subdued and plodding. It was a stereotypical
case of opposites attracting, but it worked for them.

“I’m so glad you
two could make it,” Mr. Brooks said with a kind smile. “Judith has been looking
forward to your visit all week.”

“Not just me,
silly,” Mrs. Brooks admonished gently. “Cassie has been excited, too. I hope
she gets home soon.”

To his credit, Mr.
Brooks’ smile barely faltered, but I figured he was used to it by now. On the
other hand, I saw how pained Logan’s expression was, and I hurried to move the
conversation along.

“How have you been
doing, Mrs. Brooks?” I asked as she gestured for us to sit. Logan sat down next
to me, and Mrs. Brooks sat on my other side, grabbing one of my hands and
holding it between hers. Mr. Brooks sat opposite us.

“I’ve been doing
wonderful, dear,” she chirped. “I’ve been so busy with my volunteering committees
that I barely have time to take care of Charles and Cassie.” She glanced at her
husband with a warm smile before continuing. “Charles’ business has been so
busy, but he’s such a family man. He always makes sure to get home in time for
dinner. In fact, he comes home early most days. I suppose that’s one of the
perks of being the boss.”