Off the Cuff (19 page)

Exfoliation is the part where you
gently scrub
away the dead skin cells. Exfoliate once a week and you're golden, pony boy. On Saturdays, while in between college football games, why not live large and exfoliate?

 

Moisturizing is like putting that final protective coat of wax on your car. Moisturizers keep the skin soft and conditioned. They should be rich in natural antioxidants, but they shouldn't make you break out. Acne was sad at thirteen; it's tragic at thirty-three. Don't fear that moisturizers are too girly. There's a full array of men's moisturizers that are unscented. You can find them in drugstores or department stores. You don't have to make an appointment with your mother's Mary Kay lady.

When it comes to finding the right products for your skin, there are some drugstore brands—Neutrogena and ROC come to mind—that are good products that won't clog your cute little pores. But I do think it's smart to take a little more care and consider going to a department store, specialty apothecary, or skin care center. There's no shame in going to the
beauty counter
and asking for help. It's not some terrible sin like wearing white after Labor Day. Odds are a very hot sales associate will direct you to the men's skin care area, which, much like the population of China, seems to be getting bigger every day.

 

For the ultimate in skin care, I highly recommend that every man get a facial twice a year. It's just like cleaning your teeth or changing your oil. You do that, don't ya?

 

How to find a facialist? Ask around. Ask your girlfriend, your mom, your gay lover. I mean uncle. Ask that coworker of yours who's so fond of the
Funny Girl
soundtrack. Or even easier, when you're seeing your HCP, ask if the salon has a facialist. If they don't, just ask your HCP if he or she can suggest one. Hairdressers just know these kinds of things. And just like your hair care professional, your facialist can advise you on what skin care products you should be using to keep it (and you) looking its best.

If you're going to be holding hands with your girl, there's nothing worse than big old mangled man hands. Clean fingernails are of the utmost importance. No woman wants to hold your hand if it has enough dirt on it to pot a geranium.

 

So let's put the “man” back in “manicure,” shall we? It's not called a “ladycure,” now, is it? It's a very simple procedure in which no straight people are hurt, I promise. Manicures are a really inexpensive treat—between $10 and $15 for a nice little hand job! Sometimes it's a real pick-me-up. Odds are there will be a cute Asian girl named Kim who weighs less than your head performing the procedure—bonus!

 

There's no polish involved if that's what frightens you, as it does
moi
. They'll just clean you up and fix all those ragged cuticles. You can get a simple buff on your nails, which is just like buffing your car: it's a little low abrasion that makes them smooth and even and gives a very matte shine. Or you can just go au naturel.

 

Taking care of your toenails is important, too, especially during the summer, or if you share your bed with anyone. Your toenails should not be weapons or the star of a new television series called
When Toenails Attack
.

 

I'm also a big fan of the pedicure, which is all about getting your hooves in good order, as we say in the horse industry. No hoof, no horse. Again, there's no need to fear that getting a pedicure means painting your toenails; a good pedicurist is just going to clean up your feet, which is a beautiful thing.

 

I know that regular pedicures are not for everyone, and we've got to do this in baby steps—pun intended. In fact, the idea of walking into a nail salon for a pedicure is just too scary for many straight men. And that's okay; just promise me you'll clip those toenails at home in the privacy of your own woodworking shop. But if you're going on vacation, you might want to consider indulging in a pedicure. Cross over to the dark side. Follow me. You might never go back.

While some members of my community may enjoy the smell of a musky bear, most people do not. So unless you're planning on moving to France, I recommend you invest in a good quality deodorant. But let's not forget to protect our clothing friends, shall we? Use a deodorant that doesn't stain or ruin your undergarments or dress shirts. That would be like cutting off your nose to spite your face—or like throwing out your Pradas to spite your Guccis.

 

When it comes to deodorants, keep it simple. It's all about being fresh and clean. I would avoid scents in your deodorants and save that for your cologne. I actually feel the same way about soap. Showering once a day won't kill you, but I like an unscented soap, and one that's non-comedogenic, so it won't clog the pores on your ass cheeks. I don't like guys who smell like bars of soap or have pimples on their butts. Call me crazy!

 

As for fragrance, a man with a little—and remember I said “a little”—scent on is hot. It's sexy and yummy and lovely, and the ladies love it. I'm not talking about the scent of musty underwear or old gym sock, by the way, I'm talking about cologne. Cologne should always be subtle and never overwhelming. Put on far less than you think you would need. A great way to apply cologne is to spray it in front of you and then walk through the mist rather than applying it directly. That will keep your fellow elevator passengers from thinking you bathed in a vat of Paco Rabanne. That's always the wrong answer.

 

It would be impossible for me to tell you how to buy cologne. Choosing a fragrance is so very personal. There are millions of options out there, and you just need to experiment and use a little common sense. If it's called “Eau de Farm Animal,” or the bottle has a guarantee that it will improve your sex life, you might want to think again. Take a lady friend with you and try on a couple different scents.

 

I'll also warn you that if you like a scent someone has on, feel free to ask him about it, but keep in mind that a scent on one person is not going to necessarily smell the same on someone else, because of body chemistry and body oils and whatnot.

HERE'S WHERE I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO DRESS APPROPRIATELY FOR YOUR AGE, THE SETTING, AND THE SEASON (AKA ASS) . . . IN OTHER
words, how to keep from looking like a complete ass.

Imagine this. Would you like to see your mom in a tube top? No. I didn't think so. Which is why it's so important to look right for who you are.

 

That means if you're thirty-four, it's time to throw out your college sweats and T-shirts. There are other joys right around the corner that don't involve kegs, I promise. I don't like seeing forty-year-old guys wearing Abercrombie & Fitch. I also don't like to see young guys wearing bowties and sweater vests. And if you're sixty-five, you probably don't want to be wearing the latest bikini swimsuit from the International Male catalog. You want to dress your age, not your shoe size.

The moral of the story is that there's a right look for every age, and you should enjoy each phase of your life and not try to live in another one. Don't try to look older or younger than you actually are. Embrace where you are and enjoy it. Savor the moment. Carpe diem, people!

 

The problem is that guys get stuck in a rut. They have a moment in time when they think they looked the best and will just keep wearing the clothes from that era. It's called fashion amnesia. They'll decide, for example, that they looked phat when they graduated from college, and so they get locked into that style. That's why you'll see these modern day Rip Van Winkles sporting keyboard ties and parachute pants. You're like, “Hi!
Saved By the Bell
is long over. You might think you look good, but dude, you're forty now. Looking like Screech is not going to work anymore. Maybe that's why you're still dateless in Seattle.”

 

Everything in your closet should have an expiration date on it, just the way milk, bread, magazines, and newspapers do. I've found that men tend to keep absolutely everything in their closets. And if you tell them to get rid of it, they insist that they “might wear that!” I say, “Really? Are you going back to high school graduation again? Are you going to keep that cap and gown?”

 

I'm not saying you should look like you just stepped off the pages of
L'Uomo Vogue
, because most guys can't pull that off. And if you can, I'll want to pull it off, as in, “Pull that off! Now!” You've just got to remember to update. Find a classic, timeless style that works for you and doesn't make you look like you're a tour guide at Colonial Williamsburg.

 

It all comes down to not pretending to be something that you're not. Speaking of which, let me say again that I don't want anyone reading this book to emulate me, although I know how tempting it is. I want you to look like yourself and no one else. Think of it as a celebration of you if you will; a real “you-fest” or “all-about-youpalooza.”

Sure, it's fun to be expressive and bend the fashion rules, because the first rule is that there are no rules. There are a lot of times you want to stand out and be an individual, but there are also times when the occasion dictates a quiet elegance or sobriety. You want to show off your personal style, but you don't want to stick out like a sore thumb. At weddings, funerals, job interviews, IPOs, bar mitzvahs, the Oscars, and divorce court, you want to dress up and show respect. You'll most likely be meeting people you have never seen before in your life. So, bottom line? You don't want to look like a boob. Win them over with your great personality, not your “vintage” Dockers.

 

It's all about
appropriateness.
And there's absolutely nothing harder to explain than what is considered appropriate. It's kind of like Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart's comment on pornography: “I know it when I see it.” But there are some general guidelines you can keep in mind.

 

Do your homework. Find out about the occasion or event so you can dress appropriately. You're a reporter now. Ask some questions. Take some notes. Practice the “six p's”: Proper planning prevents poor performance, people.

 

Life is like theater—it's one big musical and you have to look the part. Who are your castmates and what's the set like? (Relax. I think I'm done with the musical theater metaphors for now.) Is it cocktails at the country club with Muffy and Tripp or a low-key hoedown and tractor pull? Sometimes you have to wear a costume. And believe me, I know. This isn't my first day at the gay rodeo.