Old Sins Long Shadows (29 page)

She sat tapping the arm of her wooden chair with the tips of her fingers, waiting for her son to sit down
. It was only eleven o’clock and he was already at the decanter. She waited patiently while James grumbled about the decanter being empty and rang for the butler to restock it. She waited while Tallock entered and nervously told James there was none in the cellar.

‘
Why the hell not?’

Mr
Tallock nervously looked at Lady Brockenshaw then back at James.

‘
The vendor will not supply any more until the account is settled, sir. I’m sorry ma’am,’ he added to his ladyship, ‘for speaking of such vulgar manners in your presence.’

‘
Why hasn’t it been paid?’ she asked, for a moment sidetracked from her thoughts and the inevitable confrontation to come. ‘James?’

James did not answer.

‘I presented the bill to you last month, sir,’ Mr Tallock reminded him.

‘
I know, I know,’ James waved him away. ‘Get something else, wine, brandy.’

‘
We have no brandy, sir.’

‘
Than wine damn you! Get out!’

His mother was shocked at his outburst,
‘James.’

‘
I’m sorry, Mother. He annoys me.’

‘
Tallock is an excellent butler. Why have the bills not been paid?’

Defeated
, James suddenly collapsed in a chair, covering his face with his hands.

‘Oh God, Mother. I’ve made a mess of things.’

Hearing her son
’s despair Janey was temporarily forgotten.

‘
James, dearest, what is wrong?  Tell me.’

He rubbed his face, wincing as he caught the scratch on his cheek which he had passed off to his valet having been caused by a bramble whilst riding.

‘Oh, Mother, I’ve done a terrible thing. You will be so angry with me.’

Her feeling of dread grew inside her and she waited to hear his confession.
James took a deep breath.

‘
I bought shares in gold in the American market but the shares have dropped in value.’

‘
So you have to wait until they rise again?’

‘
They will not rise to the price they were when I bought them.’

‘
You will make a loss, but you have time on your side to wait until they rise, to lessen the deficit?’

‘
I do not have the luxury of time, Mother.’

‘
I don’t understand.’

‘
I borrowed the money. The first repayment is due in a few days.’

Rea
lisation started to dawn on her.

‘
And you cannot make the repayments?’  He nodded his head then remembering his mother’s disability voiced his agreement with her statement. ‘Who did you borrow it from? You could speak to your lender. I’m sure they will understand.’

‘
It was the bank.’

‘
Bank?  Was it a big loan?’

‘
It was.’

‘
How much?’

‘Too much.’

‘
A bank would not loan money for a customer to play the stock market.’

‘
They did not know.’

‘
You have been fraudulent?  What did you borrow against?’

‘
Bosvenna.’

Lady Bro
ckenshaw rubbed her breastbone as a pain started to build up inside her, along with her anxiety.

‘
How much did you borrow?’

‘
Half its worth.’

‘
Oh God, James, how could you?  What does this mean?’

‘
It means, Mother, the bank will want its money back and we have none to give it. So they will claim the estate and sell it to get its money.’

The crushing pain grew and she struggled to catch her breath.

‘What does this mean, James?  What about the servants. What about the tenants?’

‘
What about me, Mother!  What about me!’

Suddenly her fury broke forth.

‘It’s always about you, James!  You have ruined us!  How could you?  You ruin everything you touch!’  Suddenly she remembered her maid and demanded to know the truth. ‘Have you ruined my maid as well?’

James looked up, surprised at her sudden change in topic.

‘What about her?’ he asked in all innocence.

‘
Have you ruined her too?’

‘
I swear before God, Mother, I have no interest in her!’ Indignantly he scoffed, ‘If she is out of sorts it is nothing to do with me.’

‘
Do you swear, James, that you have not touched her?  Swear on your life that you have not hurt her.’

‘
I swear on my life I did not touch her. May God strike me down, Mother, if what I say is an untruth.’

Lady Brockenshaw listened to his claim of innocence
. The same tone he had used numerous times when accused of minor misdemeanours in his life. But this was no minor misdemeanour, losing their fortune was no minor misdemeanour. The pain in her chest was becoming unbearable but James did not notice.

‘
Then I must believe you in what you say, although God may not. I love you James but you have disappointed me to an unbearable degree. Now pack your bags and go. You are to never enter this house again while I live.’

In a fury James left almost colliding with Mr Tallock as he entered the room with a bottle of wine
. Bewildered the butler addressed his mistress.

‘
Ma’am, is there anything I can do?’  Lady Brockenshaw inhaled slowly before she spoke again.

‘
Yes, Tallock there is,’ she said politely as if all about her was calm, ‘Fetch me the doctor, I have a pain in my chest,’ she rubbed her breast bone wincing as a tear trickled down her cheek, ‘I do believe my heart is breaking.’

The weeks that followed saw a marked deterioration in Lady Brockenshaw’s health. Dr Barker paid frequent visits, as did her brother Phillip Fitzwilliam. The staff soon became aware that an awful rift had formed between their mistress and her son and that he had been banished from the estate. Further more they became aware that the reason had something to do with her brother’s more frequent visits, his studying of the estates accounts, and meetings hurriedly arranged with the solicitor and banker in town. The staff knew no more, although desperate for information to settle the unease that swept through the servant’s quarters, they soon realised that their only route of finding out any further information was closed to them. Her ladyship’s personal maid, who was constantly by her side and privy to Lady Brockenshaw’s concerns, had changed. The Janey they knew before was no more as she had isolated herself from the staff so suddenly and to such an extent, that it was as if she was no longer there.

Although the details of the attack would alway
s stay with her, Janey would not be able to recall the weeks that followed it. It was as if her mind tried to protect her by closing down and shutting out that painful period in her life. She became emotionally numb, unable to believe the events of that sunny autumn afternoon. While birds sang outside her world had been torn apart in the room that was her own private safe place. How could this thing happen to her?  Had she been responsible as he had accused her?  Over and over again she turned the events over in her mind, replaying what had been said, the events that led to the rape and she had to tell herself firmly that she must not let him twist her commonsense. Logically she was in her own room and he had no business to be there. How could she be responsible?  However it had occurred and the effects were long lasting. She felt tainted, worthless and with an overwhelming sense of shame. A shame that was so consuming that it affected the way she dressed, the way she carried herself and how she even viewed her own body. She felt the shame so keenly that she was sure anyone she met would see it too. They would know what had happened to her, that she was now a fallen woman and no longer pure. She isolated herself from the other staff, taking her food to eat alone or staying at Lady Brockenshaw’s side. At first Miss Petherbridge insisted she came to the table to eat with the other servants but Mr Tallock took pity on her and overrode Miss Petherbridge’s demands. He was worried and watched with a fatherly concern over the maid that became a shadow of her former self. Lady Brockenshaw did not notice Janey’s quietness for she too was melancholy. She spent long periods in bed as her ankles swelled from a failing heart whilst refusing to allow her son to be informed of her illness. Although this was of some comfort to Janey - to know that he was not welcome - her ladyship’s illness had the effect of binding her to her mistress. To Janey’s horror the elderly woman was growing more and more dependant upon her at a time when she would rather be anywhere but on Bosvenna Estate.

The nights were the worst for Janey
. Vivid nightmares threaded in and out of her sleep, causing her to wake in terror and panic. Long periods of the night saw Janey lying awake, unable to sleep as her mind raced over the events of her violation. She took to pulling her mattress across the floor to block the door so that if anyone should enter her room at night she would know instantly and be woken. She stole a knife from the kitchen and kept it under her pillow at night and in her apron during the day. Whether she could ever bring herself to use it she did not know, but she felt safer with it on her person. When Lizzy, Charlotte or any of the other servants spoke to her she pasted on a smile and tried to act normally but everyone was aware that something was not right. Her smile was brittle and she looked so very tired.

Eventually, Mr Tallock could take it no longer and invited Janey to the office
. He sat down opposite her, spoke to her gently and expressed his concern for her welfare. Janey watched him through dry eyes and wondered if he could see who she really was now. She was ruined, her future was uncertain and she was damaged for any husband she would have in the future, not that any man would want her now. He looked nervous and sweating yet, as perverse as it sounded, Janey felt sorrier for him than for herself. He found this sort of thing so difficult and she didn’t want him to suffer. He asked her clumsily how she was and that everyone was worried for her. She looked into his kind, concerned eyes and wondered briefly that perhaps she should disclose to him what had happened to her. Would he believe her? What help could he offer? What use would come from it?

‘
Janey, we are very concerned for you,’ he coaxed, ‘It is why we have asked you to come in here.’  He looked so concerned, thought Janey, at times he is like a father to me. Janey opened her mouth as if to speak but despite feeling emotionally numb, tired and enveloped in sadness so deep that she felt she might drown, something in her mind called out to her. Something he said tugged at her foggy brain and prevented her from confessing. Instead she said one simple word.

‘
We?’

Somebody moved in the dark corner of the office and Miss Petherbridge stepped forward out of the darkness
. She had been watching from a distance and although Mr Tallock was speaking, Janey was no longer listening. A subtle smirk crossed the housekeeper’s lips and realisation hit Janey that Miss Petherbridge knew of her disgrace. How she knew she wasn’t sure but she knew. She couldn’t bare Mr Tallock knowing too and Janey made a sudden decision. She turned sharply towards him, gave him a false bright smile and told him she was fine.

So the weeks that followed saw two women grieving at Bosvenna Estate
. They were bonded by their sadness which, although caused by very different reasons, was connected by a common thread. Lady Brockenshaw grieved for the loss of her husband and son and Janey for the person she once was.

Chapter 12

November, 1869

Torrential rain and gusting winds marked the beginning of winter. The heavy showers
caused people to scurry through the village streets seeking shelter, dodging the constant streams of water which overflowed the gullies by the roads. November brought news for Mary, who had been accepted for nurse training, by the end of the month she was gone. She was not replaced and Mr Tallock and Miss Petherbridge began to realise that financial problems may be at the root of the rift between their employers. This did not bode well for the security of their jobs.