On Agate Hill (18 page)

February 5, 1873

Dear Diary,

I can scarce write this, it is not that I am cold but exited!

I was coming down the little stairs this morning when someone pulled the doorbell, giving me a terrible fright, for who could it be? Our bell has not rung in months.

Molly stop. Dont open it.
Selena stuck her head out of Uncle Junius room.

My heart bumped in my chest as I disobeyed and ran to throw the latch. I thought it must be something terrible, something about Washington. The hanging negro turned on the rope in my mind.

A tall man dressed all in black stood on the wide stone step of the piazza. His big black hat and his mustache were frosted with crystals of ice, his breath made a cloud in the air. Beyond him through the chilly fog I could barely see —thank God!—Washington out there hitching up a huge gray horse to the post.

The mans eyes were deepset and dark, his brow jet black though his beard was shot through with gray. He did not smile, but stared at me intently.

I am looking for Miss Molly Petree, he said.

I am Molly Petree. I took a deep breath and stood up tall.

Of course you are. You look just like your mother.

I do not, I said.

You do. He looked me up and down as if to memorize me. Allow me to introduce myself. I am —

I know who you are
. A deep thrill passed through me.

For Diary dont you remember this photograph of my daddy with Simon Black, the boy he went to war with? See, here he is, this rough looking dark-haired boy with the stern face and the piercing black eyes, he is the very opposite of my fair and handsome father. Here he is. He too was born and grew up on the place at Perdido where his father was the blacksmith and farrier, a trade Simon Black took into the war and followed until they made him a scout, for he could out ride anybody. I knew all these things.

I knew him too. Immediately.

Selena stood in the door. For once she appeared speechless.

Selena this is Simon Black, I said. My fathers best friend from childhood.

Selena inclined her head with her wrapper clutched at her throat, she scarcely even bothers to dress these days.

Pleased to meet you, said Simon Black. I bring you news from town.
First, I am sorry to say that Doctor Lambeth is ill. But after a fortunate encounter with young Washington, I have taken the liberty of delivering this medication to Mister Hall myself. He produced the vial from a pocket deep in his long dark coat and handed it to Selena.

Ah
. A change came over her face. Well hello there, she said, as if she knew him. Please come in, Mister Black.

Thank you. He came inside the house and closed the door behind him. I stepped back. I was wearing some old woolen trousers that had belonged to one of the dead boys.

Welcome to Agate Hill. Selena had recovered her manners.

Thank you, he said, taking off his hat. Actually I had the pleasure of visiting here twice previously during the last year of the War, with Mollys father. He looked around. Suddenly I was aware of all the mud and mess in the hall. But Simon Black went on, Now I find Agate Hill . . . diminished. But you must pardon me. I am not a civilized man, and I have been out of this country for many years now. He cleared his throat. Well. I should like to see Junius, he said.

He is so ill. We are not —, Selena said.

It is very important
.

To my surprise, Selena stood aside.

Simon Black entered the smelly room with me trailing behind though Selena grabbed my arm and pinched it. Stay, she said, but I would not have stayed if my life depended on it. A low lamp burned, and the spirit lamp hissed in the corner. Simon Black dumped a pile of clothes off a ladderback chair and pulled it over next to the bed where Uncle Junius lay twisted to the side breathing open-mouthed while his arm hung down to the floor. May be he has already died, I thought, but then Simon Black got up close to his face and said,
Junius
.

Uncle Junius dark eyelids fluttered.

Selena came closer.

Junius
, Simon Black said.

Uncle Junius opened his milky eyes.

You know who I am, Simon Black said.

Uncle Junius eyes seemed to change somehow though still he did not speak.

Good. I am sorry to find you like this Junius. And I am sorry it has taken me all these years to get here despite the promise I made to Charlie so long ago, after the battle at Bentonville. I should have come to you sooner. I should have come to you then. I should have done many other things as well. But the fact is that I was sick, sick unto death of this poor bloody and broken land. I needed more room. I had to get out of this sad old history. So I did not look back, and I swore I would never come back either. But recently I had a —tragedy— and I have undergone a change, and I am here to fulfill my obligation to Charles Petree, for in fact I owe him this life which I do not much want yet can not get rid of either.

This strange speech sounded like something in a play, like something Simon Black had been planning to say for a long time. After delivering it, he fell silent.

They thought you was dead too, Selena said after a while.

He gave a short laugh. Perhaps I was dead, he said. Perhaps I am dead still. But the fact is that I never surrendered with the others at the Bennett farm house, I rode off from there headed for points south where I have remained ever since. And now I am too late. She is gone.

Who? Selena asked.

Why, Alice. Alice, of course
.

The way he said my mothers name gave me a chill.

I am too late for Alice, yet not for Molly.
He turned to look at me, then addressed Selena. Clearly you are all in some distress here. Perhaps I could lighten your burden by taking charge of Molly and—

Dear Diary I can not say how I felt at this moment, so furious and scared to death with my heart beating hard in my chest. I could scarcely breathe.

But Uncle Junius hand flapped back and forth against the bed like a chicken with its head cut off. Get out of here Simon, he said finally. By God I am not dead yet.

You heard my husband, Selena said. He is Mollys guardian.

Simon Black turned to look at her. I always respected Junius Hall, he said. Yet I gave Charlie my word as well. He stood up and put his hat back on. He seemed to fill the room. He inclined his head to Selena then strode across the floor, silver spurs clanking, to pause before me. Molly I am pleased to make your acquaintance at last, he said.

I said nothing, for I was terrified.

Good bye then, he said from the door before he closed it.

Well I never, Selena said.

Uncle Junius made a terrible gurgling sound from the bed as a dark liquid flowed down the corner of his mouth. Selena rushed forward. Get Liddy, she said.

April 16, 1873

Dear Diary,

I am so sorry I have not written for so long, my mind goes around and around so fast now that all is a blur I can not slow it down long enough to put pen to paper.

But I will try. I will try.

Uncle Junius died.

Uncle Junius died, and the next thing I remember, we were all riding out to Four Oaks. We had got dressed up as best we could, it was Godfrey and Blanche, Victoria and me and Selena and Liddy all jammed into the carriage, Washington driving. Selena wore Fannies black hat with a veil and Fannies black velvet evening cloak to hide the baby. Victorias dress was too small while Blanches was too large. I wore one of Fannies dresses too, I am big enough now for ladys clothes though I hate to wear them.

I rode with Godfreys knee jabbed into my back but did not say a word. I felt that if I spoke, I might explode and blow away in dust along the roadside, never to be seen again.

It felt so odd to be going to Four Oaks by road instead of through
the woods, it was like a journey to a strange new place. It was sunny and cold. We bounced in the deep muddy ruts, Selena gritting her teeth. The casket bounced in the wagon ahead while Rom drove and Spence waved at everybody.

Look
. Victoria punched me and pointed and I turned back to see the Bledsoes coming in a carriage behind us and somebody else in a wagon behind
them
. By the time we got to the big public road there were others behind us too, and people lining the road all along the privet hedge and the old stone arch and the lane, holding their hats in their hands. It was the whole countryside negro and white turned out for Uncle Junius. But I couldnt tell who they were because we were driving straight into the sun and now I was crying so their faces were all a blur to me, as blank as the face of Robert E. Lee my man doll.

We got out and went up onto the porch. To my surprise there were Julia and Rachel, crying and hugging and kissing everybody including me, but not Selena. No one spoke to Selena. She stood apart holding Blanches and Godfreys hands, chewing the inside of her cheek.

A new minister Mister Ricketts spoke the words but I did not listen, instead looking out at Uncle Junius coffin which lay on a bier in the yard and remembering how Mary White and me played dolls in the roots of those oaks only last summer which seems like another lifetime or like it was some other girl who did that, who laughed and played so free.

Amen,
Mister Ricketts said. Then all sang Amazing Grace led by Julias pure piercing voice.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me!

I once was lost, but now am found

Was blind but now I see.

I do not believe that Uncle Junius is now found, and I do not think he believed it either.

The pallbearers were Spence and Rom and some of Uncle Junius and Aunt Fannies former slaves including Big John who used to lead us around
on Spencers old pony. They took up the bier and walked down the old farm road and across the Big Field and up the rise where all are buried, my entire ghost family, with Mama Marie and Aunt Mitty lying close together beneath their pile of new red dirt. A marble spire points up to the blue sky on top of the rise just beyond them, that is Big Papas marker. Old Ben stood leaning on his shovel by the open grave which was next to Fannies. I looked at Selena but she stared straight ahead with her face working. Now the Masons took over, Mister Ogilvie and Mister Short from town in their outfits saying words which were very strange. They threw shovels full of dirt on Uncle Junius coffin. Then Spence grabbed the shovel digging with a fury while ladys wept and a chilly breeze swept over us, blowing my hair.

Look, Godfrey said, pointing up. Buzzards.

They are coming for you! I said to scare him, but actually I think it is me. Then all of a sudden I looked down and noticed that I cast no shadow Dear Diary
none.
So may be I really am a ghost girl all ready.

I ran ahead, I couldnt wait to get out of there.

Molly, Molly! Rachel called me from the yard, but I acted like I didnt hear her. I got back into the carriage. Giddy up, Washington said. Selena cried all the way back to Agate Hill, turning once to me to say,
Well you know I loved him.
I did not know what to say. I had loved him too.

Then at Agate Hill there was an uproar for while we had been gone to the funeral, Julias fiance had come with some men and a wagon and taken the silver and lots of other things as reported by Selenas blond friend Sadie who ran out to tell us. She had been there but unable to stop them.

What do I care? Selena threw back her head. I swear I dont give a damn, lets go have a drink then. They went on in the house.

That left me to stand by myself in the full sun blinking and looking down at the new green grass in the yard. For the life of me, I could not think what to do next.

Finally I went in the house too where all was a wreck and Selenas friend the magistrate gave me and Victoria some little glasses of whisky and laughed when it made us cry. You will have to do better than that, girls, he said giving us more.