On the Rocks (37 page)

“I don’t have to defend myself to you. Give me my phone back, Abby. I mean it,” she demanded.

I underestimated the degree of Grace’s frustration, or maybe I overestimated my capacity for self-righteous indignation since I had told Ben to leave me alone for the last time. Whatever it was, it was something, and things quickly erupted.

“Fine. Let him keep you as a concubine. Whatever you want, but I think it’s pathetic.”

“Says the girl who begged her fiancé not to leave her, and what was it you said, Abby? That you’d wear cowboy boots under your wedding dress if he wanted? Excuse me if I don’t feel like taking advice from you. I don’t know where you think you get off judging anyone, all things considered.” Apparently, the gloves were off. Now it was war.

“Okay, sure. Here,” I said as I handed her the phone. Grace and I didn’t fight often, but when we did, it could get ugly. “I’m not judging,” I said as I held my hands up in the air. “You do whatever makes you happy. Hey, now that I think about it, don’t even bother texting him back. Here’s a thought: why don’t you just post your whereabouts on Facebook so that he can keep you under his thumb while he sits at his wife’s breakfast table?”

“I’ve always been a big Facebook person, and you know it! Let me remind you that if I hadn’t been on Facebook, you’d probably think you were still engaged!”

“I’m pretty sure I would’ve figured that out on my own. So going forward, do you think you could do me a favor and
not
post where we are at all times? Some of us don’t want our exes knowing where to find us, you know.”

“Don’t blame me for that. If he wanted to find you, all he had to do was start hanging out next to the ice cream case at the grocery store and you would’ve shown up eventually!” she screamed. Bobby just sat there, like a spectator at a tennis match, watching us fight with each other, looking too scared to move.

“Did you just call me fat? That’s so out of bounds!” Now we were standing on opposite sides of the table, screaming like crazy people.

“If the elastic waist pants fit . . .” she said smugly.

“Guys,” Bobby said. “Both of you, stop. Unless you’re going to strip down and go all Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling on me—in which case, well, as you were.”

“Shut up, Bobby,” we yelled simultaneously.

“First of all,” I said as I pointed my finger in her face, “we both know that I’ve gotten past that stage, and the fat jokes at this point are just mean. Second, what are you getting mad at me for? I’m trying to
help
you!”

“You should understand this better than anyone, Abby. It’s not easy to just cut all ties. You still talked to Ben after you broke up, and that was way worse. I mean, what did that guy have to do for you to walk away from him? Call off your wedding? Oh, wait . . .”

“That was low.”

“It’s the truth. Not my fault if it hurts.”

“You both are nuts, you know that?” Bobby said.

“Stay out of this, Bobby,” Grace snapped.

“No, I won’t. I’m sick of listening to both of you bitch and moan about your relationships. You guys are like a reality show! You should both just relax and get over yourselves.”

“Get over myself?” Grace hissed.

“Yeah, what’s that supposed to mean?” I asked. I wasn’t sure why I was snapping at Bobby, other than I was too tired to differentiate emotions.

“You’re both so paranoid about being alone, it’s all you think about. You should just chill the hell out. Besides, neither one of you will ever be alone. Abby will have the spinsters in her knitting club, and Grace will probably have a dozen lobsters to keep her company.”

This had officially turned into one of the craziest conversations I had ever had. And considering some of the doozies I had had with my mother, that was saying something.

“And what will you have? A fridge full of Budweisers and a collection of porn?”

“I’m dating plenty of girls,” he replied.

“It doesn’t count if you have to blow them up or pay them by the hour,” Grace snapped.

Touché. Apparently no one was safe. Grace was intent on attacking Bobby too. There were no teams, it was every man for himself.

“Hey, you can criticize me all you want, but at least I’ve never gotten up in the morning and left some random chick passed out in a strange house by herself. That guy is either a moron or so not into you he’d risk you stealing his stuff.”

“So, is that why you wake them up and kick them out early? Because you’re worried they’re going to steal your boxers?” I asked.

“Is that so crazy? After hanging out with you two all summer, I don’t put anything past your kind anymore!” The vein in his neck was visibly pulsing, and a red flush was spreading to his earlobes. That was new.

No wonder none of us had managed to find a healthy relationship—we were all taking advice from equally demented human beings. What was even funnier was that from where I was standing, I was in the best shape of the three of us. It had been a long time since that was the case.

“Can we all please just calm down?” I pleaded, not only because I didn’t want to fight, but also because my head felt like it was about to explode. “All I’m trying to say here, Grace, is that you deserve better. I’m trying to help you.”

“You’re the last person on earth who should be offering to help. Look at yourself. It’s a joke what you’re doing. Finding a boyfriend has been your highest priority all summer! You think you’re completely worthless unless you’re in a relationship. Aren’t you a little worried that the big flashing desperate sign above your head is going to scare guys away?”

I had had enough, and I lost it. I took off my shoe and hurled it at her head. I wish I’d looked closely at where I was throwing, because maybe I would have seen Wolf walk up the stairs and been able to avoid cracking him in the face with a flying flip-flop. The shoe ricocheted off his cheek and landed on the deck with a thud. The whole summer I’d been wondering what it would take to wipe that perpetual smile off Wolf’s face.

Looked like I’d found it.

He stared at the three of us, red-faced and visibly shocked, and I was too afraid to speak. Poor Wolf was the only one who hadn’t done anything wrong, and he was the one who got physically assaulted. “Okay, I’m going to be going now,” he said as he turned, clomped down the steps, and all but took off down the street back to Bobby’s house.

“Nice one, Abby,” Bobby said.

I ignored him, figuring that I’d apologize to Wolf later. “Fine, Grace. Go running back because you had one bad night. That makes sense.”

“It’s my life, Abby. And if you have a problem with that, then you don’t have to be a part of it anymore.”

“Well, that’s dramatic,” I said. And I should know. No one is more dramatic than me.

“I mean it. I’m going to take a steaming hot shower, and then I’m out of here.” She turned and stormed into the house, while Bobby and I sat in uncomfortable silence. I suddenly felt like the walls were closing in on me, which was odd since we were outdoors.

Bobby spoke first. “Man, you girls can be mean. For the record, the way you guys are acting right now is a perfect example of why sometimes it’s fun to hang out with older women. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from you two this summer, it’s that girls our age are psychotic. Plain and simple.”

I’ll admit he had some fair points, and that I was probably in the wrong on this one, but I wasn’t ready to admit defeat yet. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Were you not just here for the argument that went down? You’re both nuts. If I had kept dancing with Melinda last night instead of hanging out with you, I could have avoided this enormous display of crazy.”

“Fuck you, Bobby.”

“So now you’re going to be bitchy to me too?” he asked.

“You started it when you insulted my knitting club, unprovoked I might add. I’m just saying that you looked ridiculous dancing with that woman. Just because you dance with Mrs. Robinson doesn’t make you Dustin Hoffman.”

“You know what?” Bobby said as he picked up his newspaper. “I don’t need this bullshit.” He sounded angry, frustrated, and worst of all, indifferent, all at the same time. Before I had a chance to respond, he was down the stairs and gone, leaving me alone on the deck.

T
RUE TO
G
RACE’S WORD,
half an hour later she stormed out of the house carrying all of her clothes in a huge ball. She threw them into the backseat of her car and left. She didn’t say a word to me, and I truly didn’t care, because I was mad at her too. Friends fight, that was fine, but you weren’t supposed to use their biggest weaknesses against them, and she had crossed the line the second she called me fat.

And desperate. But mostly fat.

I sat alone on the deck staring into space for the rest of the afternoon, trying to understand what had caused all of us to blow up on each other so suddenly. Maybe it was a summer’s worth of frustrations, maybe it was the heat, maybe we were all hungover and our nerves were shot.

When 8:00
P.M.
rolled around and I still hadn’t heard from anyone, I realized how serious this was. I heard footsteps on the stairs and looked up, hoping that Grace had come back and wasn’t really dumping me as a friend. I’d been dumped enough for the time being.

“How are you doing?” Wolf asked as he sat down next to me, a small, red mark visible on his cheek.

“I’ve been better,” I said. “I guess you heard what happened.”

“Yeah.” He sighed.

“I’m sorry I hit you with my shoe,” I said. I couldn’t believe I actually had to say those words.

“That’s okay. I’m happy it was an accident. And that you throw like a girl.”

“I don’t know what happened. One minute we were talking, and the next we were attacking each other. I think we’ve all lost our minds,” I said as I stared out into the road, hoping Bobby or Grace or both of them would return and want to be my friend again.

“Friends fight sometimes. This one sounded like a big one. I could hear you guys from down the street.” He shook his head in sadness.

“This is a disaster. Everyone is mad at everyone, Grace left, and I have no idea where Bobby is. I don’t know what to do.”

“Bobby’s at the Landing,” he said casually.

“Shocker.”

“He came home talking about how of all the times he imagined you and Grace getting into a girl fight, that was nothing like what he expected.”

“I can’t believe she left. I thought she’d drive around for a bit and come back.”

“It will be okay, little Abby. You will make up. I need to apologize to her too.”

“Huh? Why do you have to apologize? Did you take an extra coconut water out of the fridge or something? Don’t worry about it. We forgive you,” I said.

“No, it’s not that. Although, ya, I did do that too, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I have a confession to say.”

“A confession? What could you possibly have to confess? You’re the only one who hasn’t done anything wrong.”

“Yes, I have. See, the truth is . . . well, I’m the Walk of Shame guy,” he said, staring at the slats on the wooden deck.

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”

“I’m the guy running the Walk of Shame website.”

“What? Why? How?” I asked, my brain trying to understand how he could be responsible for the website without any of us knowing about it.

“The guys around here are always talking about what they’re planning on doing at night in front of me, when they golf. They talk like no one else is listening, which is strange, because I’m standing right next to them holding their putters. So one day, after one guy wasn’t that nice to me, and didn’t tip me either, I decided that I would get even by putting his picture on a website. One thing led to another, and then everyone was talking about it, so it sort of became my hobby. I want to be the Perez Hilton of Newport. Maybe one day I can sell the site and make a million dollars. That’s the American dream, right?”

“You did that all by yourself?” I asked, still stunned that Wolf was savvy enough to run a covert tech operation off his iPhone.

“I too am a marvel of German engineering!” he said proudly.

“But you put Grace on there! Why did you do that?” I asked.

“That might be why I should apologize. I didn’t want to, but she looked so funny in her yellow dress, and I thought maybe I’d be helping her. You know, maybe Johnny would leave her alone if he saw that she was out having fun without him. I’m thinking now that that wasn’t the best idea.”

“You think? Wolf, she’s going to destroy you.”

“I was trying to help. But maybe I didn’t do that. What’s the saying? The road to hell is paved with good intentions?”

Sure, that one he got right. At least now I didn’t have to worry about being the sole target of Grace’s anger. She was going to pummel Wolf within an inch of his life when she found out about this. With any luck, she’d forget why she was mad at me altogether.

“I have to say, I’m oddly impressed. I guess when I think about it, you sort of disappeared at random times and then magically resurfaced when something was going on. It actually makes perfect sense. You were kind of hiding in plain sight the whole time, you know what I mean?” I asked.

“No. I have no idea what that means,” he answered.

“Never mind.”

“Well, I’ll talk to little Gracie when she comes back here. Don’t worry, she’ll forgive you, and hopefully me too.”

“I hope so, or else we just ended a twenty-year friendship over nothing. Literally.”

“No way. You guys are such good friends. It’s not easy to have friends like that. It’s like finding hay in a needle stack.”

I smiled. I didn’t need to correct him. I knew exactly what he meant.

“Like I said, Bobby’s at the Landing. Just saying. Maybe start there. I’m going to go take a nap. When I wake up, I hope I have my friends back, and that no one is throwing shoes.”

He patted my head as he stood and left.

I
TOOK A SHOWER AND
changed before I went into town to find Bobby and begin my apology spree. I knew I had pushed him too far and had taken my own issues out on him simply because he was there. I walked the few blocks to the Landing and found him sitting alone in our usual spot at the end of the bar, drinking a beer and eating peanuts, their shells littering the space in front of him.