Once Again (13 page)

Well, that and a girl from Murfreesboro named
Candi.

And this afternoon, Lucas had said much the
same to me. The truth of our relationship should not be common
knowledge at school. Before our conversation in the woods behind
his house, the private nature of our status had been nothing to
think about.

Now it was a source of anxiety.

Not that I thought Luke had another girl on
the side. No way could I think that about him. But I wondered about
the typical I’m-a-guy-which-means-I’m-afraid-of-commitment
idea.

Could it be he was having second thoughts
about us?

What if my semi-happy card and inside-joke
birthday gift had scared him off?

The seriousness of our situation could not be
escaped, though it really wasn’t of our own doing. Which made it
rather difficult for us to have a normal dating relationship. I
understood that, and I knew Lucas did too.

I thought back to those first weeks of
school, before the dreams started. When the attention he showed me
excited me and made me feel special, and the only thing I worried
about was whether Miller-the-idiot would strike again or if I’d
burn myself on a hot crucible in chemistry lab.

And then something occurred to me.

All that time, when I’d been flattered by
Luke’s interest, thinking about him and how cute he was and how I’d
really like to know him better, he’d already seen me. He’d seen me
before school even started. He’d seen my face in his dreams before
he’d seen me in person.

It had seemed so sweet, so poignant before,
when he described seeing my face in his visions. He’d said I was
beautiful. And when he’d told me what he’d thought when he first
saw me at school –
Finally, she’s here
– my heart had simply
overflowed with emotion.

Now I couldn’t keep myself from wondering if
that in itself would be our undoing.

Could his feelings for me be nothing more
than a reflection of his past life? What if all he felt for me were
the memories of what the man in the visions had felt for his
wife?

And if we succeeded in uncovering the truth
about what happened to them, would the connection we’d established
come to an end?

Could I be certain about my own feelings? I
wanted to think so. After all, I’d started falling for him the very
first day of school, before any of this reincarnation madness
began. Even though I believed my own feelings to be genuine, what
if the strength of my affection for him had more to do with our
history and less to do with our present?

What if Lucas was driven only by what his
visions showed him? What if he hadn’t really chosen me? What if
being with me was an involuntary act because of who we’d been in
another century?

The questions whirled around and around in my
mind, until my head was splitting and my heart aching. It hurt to
think of losing the bond Luke and I had. It hurt worse to doubt
Lucas. I hated thinking he might’ve been less than truthful with me
today, though I was certain he believed every word he’d said.

When I finally drifted into sleep, the
questions remained and the ache in my heart continued. I knew
nothing would change for me where Lucas was concerned. Not my
feelings and not the way I acted toward him. But I also knew from
this point on, I would see everything through the lens of
uncertainty that now colored everything.

***

The wet sand was cold on my back, the sky
black as tar above me. Around me I could hear the wind whistling,
the waves crashing on the rocks, but nothing touched me.

It could have been because I was numb,
completely closed off to the elements surrounding me. My mind
registered that I should’ve been uncomfortable, but something in me
did not care.

Mere seconds had passed since the horrible
sounds from the other sides of the rocks, but it felt like years.
The kind of decimation I’d just experienced normally took a
lifetime to happen. For me it had happened in a split second.

I wasn’t afraid. Not this time. Not like
before when I’d been running down the beach. I searched the corners
of my consciousness, looking for any hint of fear, but found
none.

There was only a cold indifference.

I heard the voices then. The same voices I’d
heard before. This time they weren’t incensed. The anger I’d heard
in them before had been replaced with a stalwart resolve. I knew
they were coming for me, and I didn’t care.

I was vaguely aware of being picked up from
the sand, the wetness making long strands of my hair stick to my
cheeks. I did not wonder where they were taking me or what they
would do to me. I was beyond worrying about my own safety. What had
been done was irrevocable.

They’d taken away the only reason I had to
live.

“Are
you okay?” Luke’s voice was laced with concern.

My cell vibrating in my hand had woken me
from the dream, and the depths of despair to which I’d been
thrown.

“Give me a second,” I whispered, pushing
myself up into a sitting position. The air in the house was cool,
my skin clammy. I shivered. My alarm clock read 5:30 a.m.

Well, at least I’d gotten most of a night’s
sleep. I wouldn’t miss the thirty minutes between 5:30 and 6:00
a.m. too much.

“I think I’m fine.” I pulled my quilt around
my shoulders.

“I couldn’t stand seeing you that way,” he
said softly. “So hopeless.”

“It sucked from my end, too.”

“What was going through your mind?” he asked,
though the strain in his tone told me he was afraid of hearing the
answer.

“Not a lot,” I answered, because it was the
truth. “I wasn’t afraid anymore. I was numb, resigned. I didn’t
care what they did to me. My will to live was gone.”

I’d never heard Lucas cuss before – just one
of the many things that made him so different from other high
school boys – but he said a word then that I was quite sure he only
said when he was really angry.

“Sorry,” he muttered, composing himself
quickly. “That’s just really hard for me to hear.”

“Was really hard for me to feel.”

“How do you feel now?”

I took a deep breath, evaluating myself. Even
though the emotions of the dream were terrible, I felt marginally
better after this one than I had the previous few. Perhaps it was
because the fear and grief were gone, replaced by the cold
numbness.

“A bit more human than I did after the last
one.”

“Wish I could say the same.” I could hear the
tension in his voice.

“Why was this one so bad for you?”

“Because I saw them take you,” he said. “And
I knew you’d given up. And I couldn’t do anything.”

“They were beating you in the last dream,” I
replied. “I know we didn’t see it, but that’s what it had to be.
That’s the only explanation for what we heard and the fear I
felt.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re right.” He paused for
several seconds, as if choosing his next words carefully. Through
the blinds on my window the first bits of dawn seeped through, not
yet light, but not dark as night. “But I can handle whatever they
do to me. What I can’t handle is something happening to you.”

I was reminded of our conversation in the
woods, of his feelings of helplessness and the frustration they
caused. And I remembered the questions that had plagued me about
the true motivations underlying his feelings for me.

Could his desire to protect me, the need he
felt to keep me safe, somehow morph into imagined love?

I decided it did no good to ponder it all at
the moment. Not when we’d just been given another piece of the
puzzle.

“Let’s just try to think objectively for a
minute,” I suggested. “These are the things we know based on the
dreams. These two people were married. They lived in the Emerson
house. Some sort of danger caused him to leave to try and protect
her. For whatever reason, that didn’t work, because they found him.
They took him to the beach and hurt him, maybe even killed him. She
tried to stop them, but couldn’t. Then they took her
somewhere.”

“Where would they take her? And why?” he
asked.

“And why did they hate him so much they’d try
to kill him?”

“I think we better make some time to try to
get to the courthouse this week,” he said. “The sooner we figure
out what happened, the sooner these dreams will stop. I can’t stand
seeing you like that.”

“Same goes,” I said, knowing it was the
truth. Knowing Lucas had been hurt, or worse, was devastating to
me. And I wasn’t surprised to know that the woman in my dreams was
lost without him. “I don’t particularly like knowing that you were
being beaten.”

“Layla.” He stopped for a moment, and I could
hear him breathing. “I’m so sorry. I know that’s probably not a lot
of help, but I really hate you’ve been dragged into this. When I
met you, I thought it would be exciting. Romantic even. I never
imagined it would be anything like this.”

Whatever my questions concerning Luke’s
feelings, there was no denying he was a fantastic guy. That he
would apologize for something that was not his fault simply because
it inconvenienced me spoke volumes about his character.

I couldn’t let him shoulder the blame for
this situation. “Lucas, this is not your doing, and you know that.
You’ve been as blindsided by it all as I have. Besides, it has been
romantic.”

“Well, I’m not so sure about that,” he
laughed. “But I can see to it we have some romance. I still owe you
a proper date.”

“Luke, you don’t have to – ”

He cut me off. “No arguments. This Saturday.
After your shift at String City. I’ll make plans.”

My heart tripped in my chest, my concerns not
forgotten but put on hold. Didn’t matter that I questioned the
reality of his feelings for me. I knew
mine
were real, maybe
inflated because of our situation, but definitely real, and there
was no stopping them when he talked like that.

The love I felt blooming in my heart for him
just went right ahead and blossomed without my consent.

“Okay,” I whispered.

“I should let you get ready for school.”

“Are you running this morning?”

“Probably not,” he said. “Not ready to let my
mind wander just yet. I’ll have breakfast with Mom instead.”

“Say hi to her for me.”

“Will do.”

“See you at school?”

“Of course. And Layla?”

“Yes?”

“I couldn’t have imagined a more amazing girl
to be a part of all this.” His voice was soft and thick with
emotion. “Nothing in my earlier visions prepared me for what you’d
really be like. I’m truly glad it’s you.”

I held the phone to my ear like an idiot for
a full minute after he’d hung up, replaying his words in my
mind.

The blossoming love in my heart multiplied
ten times over.

It
seemed the second week of October was National “give a test” week.
On Monday, during first period, Mr. Hartley announced that the
second chemistry exam would be on Wednesday. Jessie and I made
study plans for Tuesday afternoon and evening. In literature, Lucas
and I had been reading the assigned collection of Robert Burns
poetry, and we learned there would be an essay test over it the
following day. We made plans to study that afternoon, when he was
finished with cross-country practice. Later in the day, I
discovered there would also be a U.S. History test on Thursday.

It was one of those weeks where everything
hit at once, meaning the plans Luke and I had to visit the Sky Cove
courthouse had to be put on hold until Thursday afternoon.

It felt like a long way off, but the business
of Monday and Tuesday kept my mind off it. And also off the
lingering questions that had plagued me since Luke’s birthday.

At school nothing much changed. Luke still
walked with me to third period and sometimes to my car in the
afternoons, but he didn’t walk as close. Maybe it was my
imagination, but it seemed he was putting distance between us, at
least in front of the kids at school.

However, we still talked regularly on the
phone, so my heart was constantly divided and confused and
completely unsure whether to feel happiness or doubt.

The combination was maddening.

On Wednesday, Luke returned to his routine of
running in the morning before school, which meant Jessie and I got
in one more bit of study time before school started. We’d arrived
at school early, finding the chemistry room unlocked. We took
advantage of the solitude and quizzed one another over our notes. I
wasn’t looking forward to the test, but thanks to Jessie, I felt
prepared at least.

I was grateful for her once again, for her
friendship as well as her willingness to help a science-dummy. A
glance at the clock told me the warning bell would ring in a few
minutes, so I took a quick restroom break.

I was in and out in less than two minutes,
because, really, who enjoys visiting high school restrooms? Even
when they’re squeaky clean they still smelled like a strange mix of
industrial cleaner, hairspray, and cigarette smoke.

As I stepped out into the still-empty
hallway, Kara Jennings was waiting for me.

It was obvious I was her target by the way
she glared at me from her spot leaning against the wall.

I hadn’t met her, not officially, and hadn’t
really even been around her in a group. She was a senior, so her
classes and her lunch period were different than mine. I didn’t
much want to talk to her now, but I could see no way to escape it,
given that we were the only two people in the hall.

But I wasn’t going to speak first. No way. If
she wanted a confrontation, I wasn’t going to be the one to
initiate it. Instead, I turned the corner and took a drink at the
water fountain.

When I finished, she’d moved to my side of
the hallway.