Once Broken (13 page)

“Give me a sec to get out of my monkey suit.”

She lit another cigarette, feeling guilty for smoking while pregnant.

He sat next to her and reached out to hold her. She surrendered to the moment and wanted to stay there forever, never having to say the words she needed to tell him. She stared into space while considering possible scenarios.

Tony snapped his fingers. “Hello?”

She stared at him.

“Are you okay?” he asked with genuine concern. “What is it Jackie?”

She was silent.

“Oh. You got the results.”

She nodded. A tear rolled down her cheek.

“Well, the answer is obvious.” His stomach thumped.

They sat quietly with Tony’s arm still resting on her shoulder. He caressed her shoulder with his thumb. She cried without a sound.

Tony rose to pace the floor. “Jackie, how the fuck did this happen? Did you forget to take the pill?”

“No! I don’t know
how
it happened. I asked the nurse the same question and she told me birth control is only ninety-nine percent effective. Think about that. If I were in the lottery with a one percent chance of winning, I’d never win. But here I am with those odds, pregnant!”

“That doesn’t make sense.” He paced with his gaze on the carpet.

“No kidding. You know, sometimes life doesn’t make sense. I mean that’s the thing. When I know the odds of getting pregnant are one percent and I’m pregnant, then I must have this baby.”

He stopped dead in his tracks and looked directly into Jackie’s eyes. “Hold on. This isn’t just your decision. It affects me too. We need to discuss options.”

“I’ve already examined all the options.”

“Well, that’s fine for you, but I should have a say. Let’s do it together.” He sat down beside her and took her hand. “Jackie, think about this practically. We’re not ready to have a baby, you know that right?”

“I don’t know what I know.” The only move she made was to put out her cigarette.

“Look, I’m not ready to get married.”

“I’m not asking you to marry me.”

Tony rose to pace again. “Geez Jackie, what the hell will you do with a freaking baby? You still live at home. You don’t even have a full-time job. You don’t have health insurance! What can you offer a kid?”

She was jolted by his offensive question. “Love! I have love to offer the ‘kid.’”

“Love doesn’t support it.”

“I know that,” she said through her tears. “I don’t know what I’ll do exactly. The only thing I know is that I must have this baby! And maybe right now, that’s all I need to know.” She was hyperventilating.

“Okay, Jackie. Calm down.” He took her in his arms. “We’re both shocked. Listen, I need to talk to my dad to get some perspective. You should think about this too. You need to seriously consider how this will change your life.”

“I’m so scared.”

He hugged her as she sobbed into his shoulder.

*

The following day Tony found Louie playing solitaire. “Hey Dad, where’s Ma?”

“She’s grocery shopping. Want a quick game of poker?”

“No Dad, I’ve got some uh
… news.”

Louie put down the deck of cards and took a drag of his cigarette, crossing his ankle over his knee. “Well, let’s hear it son.”

“I’m getting a shot of whiskey to get the words out. Want one?”

“Sure. Are we toasting something?”

“Not exactly.” He returned with two shot glasses and a bottle of VO. He threw his head back, swallowing the shot. “Jackie’s pregnant.” He plopped in the chair across from Louie. “Dad, what the hell can I do?”

“Oh.” Louie gulped a shot of whiskey and refilled both glasses. “Well son, what are you thinking?”

Tony gulped the second shot, then stood to pace. “I’m horrified. I’m not ready to have a kid!”

“You love Jackie, don’t you?”

He stopped pacing. “Of course I love her. And, I don’t want to lose her but she’s determined to have this kid. It’s not fair. I’m not ready to get married or have a baby. But she can unilaterally make the decision and I’m forced to live with it.” He raised his arms in frustration, then poured another shot. “Dad, this sucks! She’s got me by the balls. If she has this kid, I’ll be paying support for the next two decades!”

Louie nodded his head. “Son, it’s not fair. Have you talked to her about abortion?”

He continued to pace. “She’s dead set against that option. She’s talking about odds. She says there’s a one percent chance she could get pregnant on the pill and says that with those odds, she’s having this kid whether I like it or not.”

“With those odds, I can’t blame her. Okay, how about adoption? Is that an option she can live with? Look at Uncle Matt and Aunt Nancy’s kids, they’re all adopted. Best thing that ever happened. Adoption should be a viable option for you two, don’t you think?”

Tony stopped pacing. “Huh. Good point. I could support her through that. That way everyone wins and we get to stay together without a baby. She’s never mentioned adoption so I’m not sure what she thinks.” He took a deep breath. “I feel better. I’ll talk to her about that. Thanks Dad.”

*

The following night at dinner Tony broached the subject of adoption. “Honey, how are you feeling?”

“Tired, mostly.”

“Listen, I talked to my dad last night. He made a suggestion we should discuss.”

“Really?” She perked up a bit.

“Adoption?”

“Ugh.” She sank back down.

“Jackie, think about it! Adoption is the answer for us! You won’t have an abortion. And the baby will be placed into a loving family with parents who are financially and emotionally able to care for it.”

“I’ve thought about that, for God’s sake. I
know
, in a perfect world adoptive parents would offer everything a baby needs. I
know
that giving up this baby would be the most generous gift I could ever give.” Her voice shook. “But I don’t know how someone carries a baby for nine months and delivers it into this fucked-up world only to never see it again. How do I live with
that
? I’d always wonder if our child was happy and safe. Every time I’d look at a four-year-old, or ten-year-old, or twenty-year-old, I’d wonder if it was my child! I can’t live with that!” Tears streamed down her cheeks leaving streaks of mascara and dark spots on her navy-blue peasant blouse. She rose.

“Jackie.” He sat her down with his hands on her shoulders. “Listen, if you decide to give it up, I’ll support you through the pregnancy. We’ll do it together. We can have kids later, when we’re ready. It’ll be okay. My aunt and uncle adopted my three cousins and they’re so grateful and a happy family. There are so many couples dying for a baby. This could be our answer. We need to consider it.”

She wiped her face with the palms of her hands. “I’m amazed by people who can give up their babies. It’s incredibly selfless and admirable. But I know I’m not that selfless or admirable. I couldn’t live with it.”

Exasperated, Tony said, “Jackie, this sucks for me. I hate that you can decide to have a kid that I don’t want. I didn’t sign up for this! I love you but if you have and keep this baby, it changes everything.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to do.”

“So you’re saying that regardless of how I feel, you’ll keep this baby?”

“I guess I am. But Tony, please understand I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m doing what’s right for me.”

Tony sank into the other side of the sofa with his hands covering his face.

*

“Dad, she won’t consider adoption. She’s determined to keep this baby, no matter what. This is a nightmare!” Tony put his elbows on his knees and dropped his head into his hands. “What the hell can I do?”

“Son, you said you love her. You won’t consider marrying her?”

“No Dad. I’m not sure I even love her right now. I’m so freaking
angry
,” he yelled, and pounded his fist on the side of the couch. “We got into this together and we should be able to get out of it together. She’s being stupid. She has no resources to support this kid. I told her to think about that. Adoption is the fair solution! She wouldn’t have an abortion and we wouldn’t be responsible for a baby that we’re not ready for. But she won’t seriously consider it. She’s so freaking stubborn. So how much does she love me? Really, how much does she love
me
? I’m so freaking pissed off!”

“Son, I don’t know what to say except you know I’m always in your corner.” He patted his son’s back.

“I know, Dad. Thanks. But what the hell am I gonna do? I’m trapped like a freaking rat!”

*

After dinner that evening, Louie broke the news to his wife. “My dear, we have a situation on our hands with Jackie and Tony.”

“Really? I hope he didn’t break up with her like he does with all his girlfriends.”

“No dear, Jackie’s pregnant.”

As the words sank in, Anna’s joyful expression was priceless. “Oh my, I’m going to be a grandmother! I’ve wanted to be a nana for so long
—
”

“Dear, hold on. Tony won’t marry her and in fact doesn’t want the baby. He wants her to give it up. She refuses. Tony isn’t taking it well. He’s furious and feels trapped.”

Anna’s joyful expression faded into worry. “Oh dear, this is horrible. Knowing Tony, he won’t change his mind. Louie, I always told you, you spoiled him rotten. This is when it comes home to roost. And now I may never know my own grandchild.”

Louie hugged his wife. “Sweetheart, we don’t know what’ll happen.”

“I do. I know my son. Once he makes up his mind about something, he’ll cut off his own nose to spite his face.”

*

The following day Tony called Jackie. The conversation was more business than pleasure. “Tomorrow night, I’m going out with the guys. I’ll be home late, so I’ll call you on Saturday. Okay?”

“Uh … okay.”

Tony didn’t call on Saturday. Jackie sensed trouble but refused to call him. She drove by his house that evening, but his car wasn’t in the driveway. Her concern grew stronger. She called Tara in a panic. “Tony’s kind of missing.”

“What?”

“He told me he was going out with the guys last night, which was strange. But I thought, whatever. He said he’d call today. But he hasn’t. I drove by his house a few times. His car isn’t there.” She chewed her fingernails.

“I’m coming over,” Tara said.

When Tara arrived, Jackie put two cups of steaming tea on the table.

“Oh honey, you look horrible.”

“Thanks.” Jackie smoothed her long dark hair.

“You know what I mean, upset.”

“I know.” She lit a cigarette.

“Oh boy, you’ve got to give those up if you’re having a baby.”

“Yeah, but how? I’m a wreck.”

“I know. But work on it.” Tara dipped her tea bag. “As for Tony, maybe he just needs some time. Does he know you’re definitely pregnant?”

“Yup, he wants me to give it up.” She gazed at the swirl in her tea as she stirred.

“And of course you won’t.”

“Right.”

“Look Jackie, he’s mad about you. He’ll get over the shock and everything will be fine. Really, you’ll see.” Tara squeezed her friend’s hand.

“I don’t know. He’s so pissed off. He says he wasn’t planning on getting married and having kids now. Well, neither was I! He said he didn’t sign up for this. I understand that. But what am I supposed to do? I can’t do something I can’t live with.” Jackie added, “I know you’ll think I’m nuts but I’ve got this gut feeling he’s with another woman.”

“Oh God, your imagination’s gone wild. He’ll call you soon and explain. Stop imagining things. You’re making things worse.”

“I feel it, Tara. He’s with someone else.” She leaned against the back of the chair—pale, nauseated, and teary-eyed. “What the hell am I gonna do? With a baby? Without him?”

“Jackie, take it one step at a time. Wait to hear from him before you drive yourself crazy. Don’t do this to yourself, okay?”

*

Tony phoned Monday night. There was no hello. “We need to talk.”

“Damn right we do. Where were you all weekend?”

“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll just say it. I went camping with Kevin, that new guy from work I told you about.”

“How the hell did that come about? And why didn’t you call me? Or better yet, take me with you?”

“It was a last minute thing. His girlfriend, Katrina, was bringing her sister and asked Kevin to bring a friend to make it another couple. Me and the woman, Carmella, really hit it off. I told her about you and promised I’d come back and break it off.”

With those few words, Jackie was shattered. “I don’t understand. Just like that?”

“Well, we hit it off.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“It’s simple Jackie. We spent the weekend together and I want to see her again.”

“Your timing and your nerve are un-fucking-believable!”

“Look, this has nothing to do with you being pregnant. It was over for us anyway. It was a matter of time.”

“A matter of time? Are we tuned into the same freaking station? The last I heard was you love me more. This is surreal. I don’t believe what I’m hearing.”

“I don’t care what you believe. I’m being honest
—
”

“Honest? You don’t have an honest bone in your body, you son of a bitch,” she managed to say between sobs.

“Listen, don’t get all emotional. I’m trying to explain a difficult situation. I can’t help what I feel. I’m sorry if it hurts you. But Carmella is more comfortable
—
”

“Comfortable! What an interesting choice of words!” Jackie slammed down the phone. The phone rang. She didn’t answer it. It rang again. She barely heard it through her sobs.

*

“Jackie!” Lucille called up the stairs. “Tony’s here!”

She pulled herself together hoping her mother wouldn’t detect the crisis. “I’ll be right there!” Wiping her cheeks, she ran downstairs wearing a pair of jeans and a tie-dyed shirt.

Tony was standing at the bottom of the stairs. “We need to talk.”

“Fine.” She brushed by him grabbing her pocketbook and shoes.

Once outside he said, “Let’s go for a ride.”

“Fine. My mother knows nothing about this yet and neither do my brothers. It’s in your best interest to keep it that way, you rotten son of a bitch!”