Once Craved (a Riley Paige Mystery--Book #3) (20 page)

The very mention of
the name brought a wave of hope. Yes, who could be better to turn to right now
than the forensic psychiatrist who had helped her through her own trauma?

“Of course,” Riley
said, grateful for Bill’s suggestion. She’d been too distraught to think of the
obvious answer. She dialed his direct number, then heard a comforting, familiar
voice.

“Riley?”

Riley felt a swell
of gratitude that Mike had answered his phone.

“Mike, I need your
help. April’s in Washington on a field trip, and PTSD has kicked in. She’s sure
that she saw Peterson. She thinks he wants to kill her.”

“How bad is she?”
Mike asked.

“I don’t know. Her
teacher doesn’t seem to know what to do. Ryan is out of town. I don’t know who
else to turn to.”

There was a short
pause. Then Mike spoke in a steady, reassuring voice.

“Have you got the
teacher’s number?” he said.

“Yes.”

“Give me the number,
and your daughter’s too. I’ll get in touch with them. And I’ll find out where
April is and go pick her up. Meanwhile, I think you’d better get over here.”

For a moment, Riley
was at a complete loss for words. She managed to gasp out, “Thank you, Mike.
Thank you.” She gave him the numbers, then ended the call.

Bill was sitting in
a chair. Riley was still pacing.

“I’ve got to fly
back right now,” she said.

“I understand,” Bill
said. “I’ll explain things to Morley.”

“No, I’ll call him.
I’ll tell him myself.”

Bill shook his head
uneasily.

“Riley, I don’t know
…”

“It’s my
responsibility, Bill. This is
all
my responsibility. I’m calling him
right now.”

“All right,” Bill
said. “I’ll get online and book you on the next flight I can get.”

Riley opened her
laptop for Bill to use. Then she dialed Special Agent in Charge Elgin Morley’s
number. When she heard his gruff voice answer, she knew that this wasn’t going
to be easy.

“Agent Morley, I’ve
got to leave Phoenix,” she said. “I’m flying straight back to Washington.”

“You’re what?”

Morley sounded
understandably incredulous.

“My daughter’s
having a nervous breakdown. I don’t have time to tell you the whole story. But
it’s serious. She needs me.”

Morley’s voice was
sounding angry now.

“
We
need you,”
he said. “There’s a killer out there, and he’s going to kill again soon, if he
hasn’t done so already. I’m not giving you permission to leave. You need to
stay right here and do your job.”

Riley gathered up
her nerve and said, “I’m not asking for your permission,” she said. “I’m
catching the next flight out.”

“Agent Paige, you’d
damn well better not get on that plane. It’s bad enough that you and your
partner botched things up last night.”

“I’ll come back as
soon as I can,” Riley said.

“No, you won’t be
coming back. Don’t even bother. If you leave, I’m calling Meredith. I’ll have
you taken off the case. You might never work for the Bureau again.”

Riley knew that she
ought to be upset by this threat. But she couldn’t bring herself to worry about
it right now.

“I understand,” she
told Morley. She ended the call.

Bill was poring over
information on the computer screen.

“I’ve booked a
nonstop flight,” he said. “But we’ve got to hurry. It leaves in an hour.”

Watching the earth
roll by below was torturous to Riley. The plane seemed to be moving at a mere
crawl. The slowness was only an illusion, she knew. But she also knew that a
lot could happen during the four and a half hours she was going to be airborne.

Terrible things,
she thought. And again, she
remembered Marie’s hanging body.

But she drove the
horrible image from her head. No, nothing like that was going to happen this
time. Mike had called Riley back and told her that he’d found out where to pick
up April and was on his way there. And before takeoff, Riley had managed to get
through to her daughter, who still sounded terrified but promised her that she’d
be all right.

Riley was anxious
about other things as well. She kept remembering Morley’s anger and what he had
told her just a little while ago.

“I’ll have you
taken off the case. You might never work for the Bureau again.”

Was it true? Was her
career as an FBI agent over? At the moment, she wasn’t entirely sure that she
cared. This was the first time she had ever put being a mother over working a
case.

Maybe, she thought,
it was about time she did just that. Maybe this decision was long overdue.
Still, she more than understood Morley’s point of view. Her decision had been
thoroughly unprofessional. She’d left an important job unfinished. It was just
like Morley had said …

“There’s a killer
out there, and he’s going to kill again soon, if he hasn’t done so already.”

As the plane lifted
higher, that distorted sense of motion became even more bizarre. In her mind,
she was still crawling toward her daughter. At the same time, she knew that she
was hurtling away from another responsibility at unthinkable speed. She had no
idea which feeling was worse.

*

When she arrived at
Reagan National Airport that evening, Riley hastily rented a car and drove
through heavy traffic to Mike Nevins’s office. It took at least an hour to get
there. When she found Mike Nevins sitting in a chair just outside of his
office, she felt a stab of concern. Where was April?

But Mike’s smile as
he stood up to greet her was deeply reassuring.

“She’s here, Riley,”
he said. “Don’t worry.”

He opened the office
door, and he and Riley walked inside. She saw April sitting in a chair, talking
intently with a young woman who looked concerned and sympathetic.

April leaped to her
feet and threw herself into her mother’s arms, sobbing.

“Oh, Mom, I’m so
sorry,” she cried.

Riley could barely
hold her upright. The poor girl felt absolutely limp and exhausted from her
ordeal.

“What are you
talking about?” Riley said, stroking her hair. “It’s not your fault. Nothing’s
your fault.”

“I know he’s dead. I
don’t know what happened to me.”

“It’s OK,” Riley
said.

When Riley finally
released April, the young woman rose to shake her hand.

Mike explained, “Riley,
this is Rose Shepard—a resident. Rose, this is April’s mother, Riley.”

“Your daughter is
going to be just fine,” Rose said.

“Thank you,” Riley
said.

“Rose and April are
doing some great work together,” Mike said. “Let’s you and I go talk.”

Mike gently took
Riley by the arm and escorted her out of the office. They sat down together in
two chairs in the hallway.

 “April’s in good
hands with Rose,” Mike said. “She’s young and smart and empathetic. I’m a
little too used to dealing with psychopaths to be of much help in a situation
like this. I just don’t have the right touch.”

“How is she?” Riley
asked.

Mike stroked his
chin thoughtfully.

“This has been
coming on for a while,” he said. “She’s been repressing things too long. It’s
good that it’s starting to come out.”

Riley flinched at
that word, “starting.” Mike obviously meant that April wasn’t out of the woods
yet.

“I should have seen
this coming,” Riley said.

“Beating yourself up
about it won’t help, Riley. April has to do her own healing at her own pace. It’s
not up to you. This is a necessary part of the process.”

The dapper, bookish
man leaned toward Riley with a concerned look.

“But how about you,
Riley? How are you doing?”

Riley shrugged. “I’m
fine.”

“No, you’re not. I
can see it in your face. You need to talk to me.”

Riley wanted to tell
Mike that it was only the time change bothering her. Flying through time zones
could stress out her body clock. But he was right, of course.

“Mike, I don’t know
what to do anymore. I left in the middle of a case. The Arizona chief is
furious. Did I do the right thing?”

“Only you can decide
that, Riley.”

Riley sighed
miserably. “Said like a true shrink,” she said.

Mike chuckled a
little. “Yeah, and you know it’s true,” he said.

Indeed, she did know
it was true. And she knew that Mike wanted her to talk it out.

She said, “I keep
finding myself up against the same problem over and over again. How can I be
both an agent and a mother? Is it even possible? Am I wrong to even try? Ryan’s
mad at me too. Of course, he’s always mad at me, but this time I almost wonder
if he’s right. He says I should have just stayed at home and been a mother. Is
that true? Maybe April would be better off with him.”

Mike scoffed a
little. “You know better than that.”

Riley said nothing.
But of course Mike was right again. She did know better than to think that
April belonged with her irresponsible, philandering, emotionally distant
father. She was letting her self-pity get the best of her.

“The impossible
hours are bad enough,” she said. “It’s worse that I’m always putting myself in
danger, and that she might lose me one of these days. But I wound up putting
her in danger too, and look at what it’s done to her. I’m so afraid that
something like that is going to happen again.”

Mike knitted his
brow, giving Riley’s words his best professional attention.

“You seem to think
that your situation is entirely unique to you,” he said. “Sure, the stakes are
more dire for you than for most parents. But it’s a simple fact of raising a
child—there’s not always a single
right
thing to do. Most parents make
peace with that fact sooner or later. But not you. You keep right on thinking
that you should be able to do the impossible. Why is that, do you think?”

Riley’s eyes stung
with tears. It sometimes hurt that Mike understood her so well. But then, that
was exactly why she often turned to him for counsel and friendship.

He said, “I know
this isn’t what you want to hear, but you’ve reached a crisis point. Now that
you’re pulling out of your own PTSD, you’re still riddled by self-doubt. I’m
not sure you can get through this without some kind of emotional catharsis.”

A single sob forced
its way out of Riley. She fought to control herself.

“Mike, I don’t know
what to do next.”

“It’s OK not to know
what to do,” Mike said.

“Not at a time like
now. I’ve got to make a decision.”

Mike held her gaze
for a long moment.

“I don’t know if
this will help,” he said carefully. “But the situation with April is well under
control. I’ve made arrangements with a colleague of mine in Fredericksburg. Her
name is Lesley Sloat, and she’s an excellent pediatric therapist. She’s willing
to work with April every day for as long as she needs to. You and April can
meet her tomorrow morning.”

Riley detected an
unspoken hint in Mike’s words. He seemed to be saying that Riley’s immediate
presence wouldn’t be necessary for long. She could go back to work soon if she
wanted to.

But did she want to?
She felt terribly lost and confused.

The door to Mike’s
office opened. Rose and April stepped out into the hallway. Rose’s arm was
around April’s shoulder.

“I think we did some
good work today, don’t you, April?” Rose said in a warm, pleasant voice.

April’s smile was
weak but genuine.

“I think so too,”
she said.

“Let’s head on home
then,” Riley said.

Riley held her
daughter’s hand tightly as they left the building and walked toward the car.

“I’m so sorry about
all this, Mom,” April said.

“Please stop saying
that,” Riley said.

*

April went to bed
soon after they got back to their home in Fredericksburg. She was exhausted
after her ordeal, and Riley hoped she would sleep soundly. But Riley didn’t
feel ready to sleep. It was more than the time change. She was deeply troubled.

As soon as she was
sure that April was asleep, she went to her own bedroom and stretched out on
the bed. She called Bill on her cell phone.

“Riley!” Bill said
when he answered. “How’s April doing?”

“She’ll be OK,”
Riley said.

Riley heard Bill
sigh with relief. It felt good to hear his voice.

“What’s going on
with the case?” Riley asked.

“We’re just
completely stalled here. I wish you were still here.”

A silence fell.
Riley sensed that Bill was trying to find the right words for something she
might not want to hear.

Finally he said, “Riley,
Morley did what he said he was going to do. He called Brent Meredith in
Quantico and gave him an earful about how pissed off he is with you. He got you
taken off the case.”

It was Riley’s turn
to fall silent. She had no idea what to say.

“Riley, I can fix
this,” Bill said. “I’ve already called Meredith. He understands what you’re
going through. He can pull rank on Morley. He can get you reinstated. But the
final decision is up to you.”

Riley’s anxiety was
so intense that she could barely breathe.

“I need some time to
decide, Bill,” she said.

Bill let out a
slight groan of impatience.

“Time’s something we
don’t have a lot of,” he said. “Morley’s already talking about bringing in a
replacement from Quantico. I’m stalling him for now, but I can’t do it for very
long. And once a replacement gets here, it’ll be a lot harder for you to come
back.”

“I understand,”
Riley said. “Thanks, Bill.”

They ended the phone
call. Riley just lay there on her bed, feeling stranded and helpless and
depressed. It was a new and terrible feeling. During her life she’d known
anger, terror, grief, and just about every other kind of negative emotion she
could imagine. But somehow this was worse. She barely recognized herself right
now—a wavering, quivering mass of indecision and despair. Where was this unfamiliar
misery going to end?

She remembered
something Mike Nevins had said.

“I’m not sure you
can get through this without some kind of emotional catharsis.”

As far as she was
concerned, that didn’t bode well for her at all. Things were going to get worse
before they got better. She remembered how she’d almost cried when she’d talked
to Mike earlier.

Maybe that’s what
I need right now,
she thought.
A good cry.

But no tears came.