Once Was: Book One of the Asylum Trilogy (12 page)

A
thousand
horses
trod across my head as I stirred to wakefulness. Each jabbed a poorly shod hoof into my temple as it passed. I hated them with a passion only rivaled by that I held for the mead I’d imbibed with Cade. Summoned by my thoughts, an echo of a laugh bounced around my skull and forced me to bury my face further into my pillow. As if in a rogue’s devilish trap, my body was snared, and I found a heavy weight wrapping around me.

“Careful there. You might knock off the poultice I put on the knot above your brow.” I recognized the voice and grimaced. He would not let me live down whatever I had done to cause this pain. Everything since the temple seemed fuzzy until I remembered the brilliant lightning, and I groaned as memories came back in a burst of fresh pain.

Cade’s arms tightened around me, pulling me closer to the warmth his body offered as he brushed my hair away from whatever he had applied. I could not find it in myself to blame my comfort on the head injury I had sustained. “It’s just mud and those green leaves from out back you like. The ones you’d lick and stick to a mosquito bite when we were little more than babes, Roseen. Your mom used to put it on me when I’d take a tumble.” His voice drifted like the mist leaving my thoughts.

I opened my eyes to see the sun rising up into the visible sky, giving the world a pale plum glow before it crested the lake. Unwilling to leave the selfish safety of Cade’s bed, I let my body steal some of his warmth to save for my memories. No matter what I wanted, the priesthood came first, my duty came first. I was a priestess before I was a woman, and I would not share a falsehood of my intentions with him. Regardless what I may be feeling—be it lust, a form of love, or acceptance of his need—I would not abandon the streets of Madani leaving him a widower. Unless I knew that I could give him everything of me, I would give him nothing. He had his hope, and that was dangerous enough.

“What are you thinking, Rose?” His words were the hushed whisper of a lover.

“My head hurts,” I croaked out with a scowl. “How long did I sleep?”

With a look out the window, he shrugged, the motion pulling me fully onto his bare chest. “You collapsed as if the lightning had struck you; your body jolted and then collapsed. I still had to fight a few sentinels who had not been with the contingent you obliterated. What was that, Roseen?” he asked with a heavy sense of awe in his tone.

He saw that I would refuse to answer him about my magic and continued, “By the time I reached your body, I thought you were dead. Your forehead was split open and bleeding like the butcher’s fresh kills. You soaked through your shirt and mine with blood before I could close it up with mud and get you in here. I couldn’t chance calling for a healer, so I had to take care of you myself, figuring if you came to, you could use more of your Goddess-granted gifts and heal yourself.” Shifting himself over onto his back, Cade tucked an arm under his head. “So, heal yourself, Lady, and then make me some breakfast. You slept all through yesterday and the night.”

Hitting him would have taken more energy than I was willing to expend. “I saved you using Bas’ gifts. I’m not that sort of priestess; it was too much for me.” Shudders wracked my body as I remembered the energy pulled from me as divine fuel. “I heal and can be a diviner of dreams; that is all. I asked Bas for a sign that I could get to Sheelin, asked for Her aid in finding my faith.” My shoulders lifted in a half-hearted shrug. “She answered.”

Outside of the thin linen knickers covering me from waist to mid-thigh, I could feel the sheets and Cade’s body pressing against me. “I understand why you stripped me, because of the blood, but why aren’t you wearing anything?” My words came out rough, an almost-accusatory whisper.

“My extra clothes were out on the line,” he replied in the same whisper. “I didn’t want you to be alone longer than the time it took me to report that you had come into town for a last set of supplies, saw the guards, killed them and injured my fiancée and me, and said you were stowing away on a ship to Aristeer.” When I tried to mumble a complaint about his deception, he silenced me with a finger across my lips. I could smell my blood upon his flesh.

“I’ll die to protect you, the same as you showed you would do for me. A lie is little when faced with that reality; don’t you agree?” I nodded, which made the world spin, and covered my face with the blanket as he laughed. “I cannot protect you from your own magic, but I will do anything within my mundane powers to keep you safe, Roseen. I always have.”

Beneath his words, I heard the
I love you
he didn’t say. “Love is best spoken in actions, Cade,” I murmured into the blanket. “Even if you never said it, I know your heart. You are my greatest supporter. I need your strength,” I admitted.

The heat of his body slammed into mine as he pulled me onto his chest and tucked the blanket back around us so no flesh was seen. “You have it, always, Rose.”

“That’s not strength.” I knew better than to rock my hips against his morning arousal, but it didn’t stop me from teasing him.

“I may not have lain with a woman, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know I’d be a strong lover.” Seeing the question in my eyes when I lifted my head, he nodded. “Aye, woman. I figured that would get your attention. I have not. I poured all my frustrations into the metal I forged instead of wooing a woman into my bed. The ones who showed interest weren’t you. I tried once,” he sighed, “but it felt like betrayal and forced me to stop.”

The storm in his eyes burned me more intensely than the one I’d summoned outside, forcing me to look away. He saw too much in me. “I’m not innocent, Cade. I’m not some pure priestess who has been saving herself for a perfect bower on her wedding night.” The muscles beneath me tensed and released as he breathed, fighting however he wanted to respond. “I was taken by a priest during a spring rite when I was old enough to ask to be part of the chosen ones.”

The scattered hair of his chest scratched my cheek, and I found myself petting Cade as if he were one of the temple cats. “During my first missionary work, I found Fion in Aristeer. We spent several nights together after he finished his schooling each day with the medics.” I knew Cade was aware of those days; he and Fion had kept some contact when younger.

“Who else?” he growled. “I know you aren’t telling me everything.”

Nightmares walked the room with us. Pain filled my heart and womb as I tried to hide the memories from myself. “Don’t, Cade.” He kept pushing me, without words, without even trying. I felt his mind melding into mine in the way of the High Priest at Sheelin. “I did it so I could survive.” I released the hold on my thoughts and let him walk around in my darkness.

“No.” I felt the distaste on his tongue as he spoke.

Memories of Liand waking me in the middle of the night moved between our thoughts. I saw the pain in Cade’s heart as he felt me wrapping my arms around Liand’s tanned shoulders. A keening wail erupted in his mind, if not his throat, as he rocked in his grief.

“How long?”

I showed him the moon’s cycle three times and Liand’s returning health. “Until he was healed of the spreading tumors. He kept me there an additional week while Fion bartered for my life. I was allowed to escape during a changing of the guard with only one water skin and days of travel before I could reach the nearest village not occupied by his men.”

“They expected you to die.” His whole body shivered with restrained rage. “He forced you—”

I interrupted, ending his train of thought. “I gave myself willingly in exchange for my freedom and that of the other priestesses. He would have taken me anyway, Cade. At least I could keep my dignity in choosing how I would be taken. Was it right? No. Neither can I acknowledge that I would desire his companionship in other circumstances. I gave in to his demands and was not physically hurt. The other healer . . . ” I closed my eyes and my mind to avoid those images. “She was not so lucky.”

“But you’re scarred to your soul from it, Roseen. I can feel your pain, the same way I can feel the reverberations up my hammer when I shape a blade. I can feel the fragile splinters you try to hide.” Warmth spread down my back as his fingers mapped out my skin, learning the space between shoulder and waist as he forced the sheet lower. “I can feel you.” The healing balm of his touch moved lower to the dip in my back.

His fingers abandoned my body and clenched the sheets, his whole body going rigid. “And Fion let him! I’d snap his mortal coil if it wouldn’t hurt you so badly. That he’d claim to love you and let another man take you to his bed! I—”

Cade’s cheeks were rough with stubble, his face darkened with the short bristles, yet my fingers ghosted over them as if they were the finest imported silk. “Aye; I know. Yet, you love me and would let me be with Fion given the chance.” Chagrined by my words, he ducked his head. “You cannot fight my battles, Cadey-Cat. I am a grown woman and a priestess. With the markings come responsibilities and consequences I cannot shove aside because a man has asked me to.”

Scooting up so that my face was over his, our gazes locked and I continued. “No matter what awaits me on Sheelin, my duty to Bas is not complete. She may send me to another temple, if one remains, or command me to stay there as a trainee to the Oracle.” I closed my mind to the path those thoughts wandered. “There are no more oneira, Cade. Bas says no more oneira will be born to this generation. The current Dreamweaver is ancient beyond my comprehension. They wanted me to take her place when I was ready. They expected that I would be ready years ago.” Making sure I had his full attention, I mouthed the words I knew would seal the coffin of any love we might share. “The Oracle and her handmaidens are celibate, Cade. She is the human lover of the divine. It is ritual, not affection, that passes between the Oracle and her counterpart.”

“If you are celibate, then so shall I be, Roseen; you or no one.” The reverence in his words touched something inside me unreached by anyone else.

I could not give him a life without love. I could not make him face a world without knowing that carnal love, a love he only sought with me. I could give him one memory, a single day of being his, in case She called me to a higher duty. “We have today, Cade.” My decision was made. I chose him. “I must leave at nightfall.” Rolling off him momentarily to remove my knickers before climbing back to straddle his body, I watched his awe-stricken face. “I give you today for all that could be.”

For as bright as I knew him to be, Cade’s look was that belonging to one of the brain-addled, homeless nomads who lived off charity near the docks. “You’re giving me a day?” he questioned, his eyes not daring to look below my neck.

“A day for loving.”

I gave him no further chance to question my intentions. He laid there dumbfounded by my actions as I sat up, his eyes finally dropping to my bare chest. “Rose—”

“I know, Cade. Just love me.” Good-bye, Fion. In doing this, I was cementing my future to be with Cade, no matter whom I came across. “I choose you,” I told him and the Gods.

Settling my hands upon Cade’s chest, I rocked back, aligning our heated flesh until he pushed insistently against me. He sought to slow me, his hands dropping to my hips and kneading the flesh until his fingers left marks, even as he groaned and bucked upwards. The rumbling of a growl started beneath my fingertips and traveled up to his mouth where it became a warning. “Woman, if you are playing a trick on me—”

I stopped all speech by sliding back onto the solid heat, sheathing him. Echoes of passion-filled cries drowned out everything but the feel of him inside me. Delicious pressure, that ache of being stretched to the limit that is like no other, and the sweet smell of two bodies coming together to make a third scent: all I knew. Those and the growing love I had for the man beneath me.

“Gods, Roseen,” he choked out. Cade swelled inside me, his manhood slightly moving of its own volition as our muscles rippled, seeking to dance. His eyes glassed over with tears, fluid pooled slightly before dripping out the corner of each eyelid. I leaned forward to kiss them away . . . The angle shifted us, and he brushed against a spot that took my breath away. At my gasp, his lips curled into a smile.

“Kiss me,” he demanded, his fingers scratching up my back to my hair. Blissful pain burned through me as he pulled me flat onto his chest by my hair, our lips meeting roughly. He claimed me in that kiss, more than our married flesh had done. My mouth was seared from the outside in. I couldn’t get close enough, couldn’t get enough. I needed him akin to the air we took in on almost painful gasps between smashing teeth and tugs of hair.

Cade grazed my back with his nails, scoring me with his lust. The sting of the scratches was as much a necessary balm to our lovemaking as the blaze in his eyes when mine opened. He was staring at me still, even as teasing nips of teeth on swollen lips spurred our tongues to taste, to lick, to thrust.

“Years,” he whispered against me. “Years I’ve wanted this.” Another tug of my shortened locks had my neck stretching. Open-mouthed, hungry kisses rained down my flesh as he pushed me down his body, making my back arch. “I’ve dreamt of tasting you.” In time with his words, he lifted his hips, burying his shaft deeper inside me. “I never dreamt it could feel this . . . everything. ‘Good’ isn’t enough.”

The room spun without my moving as he flipped us, my legs going up around his hips by instinct. The friction as he rocked made me cry out, and I returned the marks he had given me threefold. Clinging to his shoulders, I held myself up as he experimented in a slow withdrawal. “Need you,” I whimpered.

“Always,” was his answer. An even slower thrust returned our bodies to how they were meant to be. “Gods!”

Gentleness was abandoned. Calloused palms and fingers pawed at me in alternating turns as he tried to keep himself up over me. All I saw were his dark curls as he leaned down to capture a nipple and suckle. The coil in my belly tightened to the bursting point, and I needed more. I wanted all of him.

“Mine now, Roseen. You’re mine as much as I’m yours.” He spoke in that calm, melodic tone, and my brain agreed even as I tried to understand the words.