Once We Were (2 page)

“
Madam, I don't require your biography. You're just a passenger after all. It should have remained that way. I'll get you to a boat and we'll say nothing else. I've risked my neck enough times in this madness.”

“
Then why are you here?” Cora demanded. “Your services are no longer needed.”

Ioan ignored her.

“This isn't about me or your duty. It has everything to do with Beatrice,” Cora said. “What's the matter, Ioan? You do what you please and disregard everyone else, but when someone steps on your toesies for a change you expect us all to hand you a hankie.”

“
Can you explain how that lunatic woman broke into my cabin? No, explain to me what she's doing on this ship in the first place. And while you're constructing another fabrication, do take the liberty to mention you're engaged. If we have spare time, explain why I didn't hear it from you.”

“
I swear I didn't say a word about you. I don't know how she ended up in your room.”

“
Well that makes it all better.”

“
I didn't mean for this to happen.”

“
How long would you have gone on lying to me?”

“
I was trying to protect you.”

“
Next time you feel the need, stay away from me.”

“
Fine. You were always a coward and that's all you'll ever be!”

“
I am
not
a coward! I don't need to justify myself to anyone.”

“
You left nonetheless. It's not right no matter how you justify it.”

“
I ran for my life. That man would've dug my grave and buried me alive if it meant getting his way. Believe what makes you happy. I did what was right for me.”

“
By handing someone else the problem,” she said bitterly. “In the end, someone paid. You ran away and left us to deal with the consequences. I took the beatings from him you weren't man enough to handle. My father drowns in debt and I'm forced to accept less than perfect situations. If I were engaged, you're the
last
person who should say a word beyond congratulations. This is the only light in the darkness you left me in. It's the price you pay, Ioan. You can't play chicken liver and have me both. Not in your maddest dreams.”

“
Right, I'm a coward. It's settled. You're closer to perfection than I am. Congratulations on your newly found happiness.”

Cora cringed. “Take me back to my room and you can be on your way.”

“We're not going back there.”

“
Where do you think we're going?”

“
You
are getting to a lifeboat.”

“
I'm so sick of you and your damn lifeboat! Why do I need a lifeboat?”

“
We've struck a berg. You're getting off this ship.”

“
Well if you've only scraped ice what's the problem? I'm sure they'll fix it. No need to throw me off the ship.”

“
I saw the iceberg,” Ioan said. “I felt her hit. We've thought too highly of ourselves, Miss Cora. Now we're going down by the head.”

“
The ship is sinking?” Cora demanded. “That doesn't make sense. How can the ship be sinking?”

“
I don't know, but
how
matters less now. However, my orders are clear-”

“
I can't get on a lifeboat without Bea. I need to go back to my room. She's waiting for me.”

“
Out of the question.”

“
I won't leave her. Besides, my dress is drenched. I'll need a coat and some belongings if I'm not allowed back on the ship.”

“
Did we not pull you out of the sea back there? Clearly you don't realize the severity of the situation.”

“
I know you don't have a heart for her, but she's my friend. She comes with us or I don't go at all.”

“
Listen to me,” Ioan looked gravely into her eyes. “Beatrice found her own way out. You have to do the same. You are the only thing I care about on this damn boat, and you'll have my last breath to ensure you get into those lifeboats safely, whether you consent or not. Do you understand?”

Cora held her silence. There was something about his urgency and the look in his eyes that drew her realization. Since the lifts were closed, they had to take intricate detours through puzzling passages and staircases. Without him, there was no escaping the lower decks.

The davits hung empty and abandoned. The lifeboats charged from the ship. They stopped for no man, woman, or child. “Lifeboat number 3! This is the captain! Please return to the ship! This is the captain! Please....” The captain realized a darker side of humanity as he lowered his megaphone.

“
They're not coming back,” Cora said to Ioan. “We'll have to wait for a ship to rescue us.”

Ioan's mind raced. His eyes darted up and down the deck. “Ioan,” Cora called. “Did you hear me?”

“This way,” he said. “Keep up.” He dodged crewmen and frantic passengers, fixed on some destination. Cora ran to match his pace. He led her back to the promenade on A deck. Lifeboat 4 descended near the windows.

“
More passengers for you, sir!” Ioan called to the seaman in the boat.

“
Here, miss! Quickly!” the seaman called, reaching for Cora. The boat paralleled the window. She could easily climb through into it.

“
Go,” Ioan urged Cora. She didn't like what she saw in his eyes. “Aren't you coming with me?” she asked.

“
No,” Ioan replied gently. “Not this time, love.”

“
You'd better hurry, miss!” the seaman called as the boat lowered.

“
Don't be stupid. You're coming with me,” she insisted.

“
I can't keep running. I gotta stand my ground sometime,” Ioan told  her. “It's just like you said.”

“
Miss, give me your hand! We got to get a move on! I can't hold this boat  for you any longer!” the seaman called to her.

“
This isn't what I meant!” Cora declared. “Stop fooling around and get in the boat!”

“
Miss!” the seaman snapped.

“
Ioan, please,” Cora begged tearfully. “Come with me.”

“
It's my responsibility to stay,” he told her. “I will find you. I promise.”

Cora never saw so much uncertainty in his eyes.  She knew he said what he did to comfort her. He pulled off his coat and placed it over her shoulders. “Go on. Don't keep them waiting.” He pushed her toward the railing. Cora pushed back. “No,” she persisted.

“Right.” Ioan nodded. With one swift motion, he swept her into his arms and handed her to the seaman. The seaman swung her into the boat.

“
Ioan, please!” Cora cried. “You don't have to do this!”

Ioan stepped away from the boat. “I love you, Cora. I always have,” he told her, and turned away.

“Please sit down, miss,” the seaman called. The boat dropped pass the window promenade. It wouldn't stop.

*              *              *

The ship tipped dangerously by the stern. The calm confusion turned to hysteria as the waves washed onto the deck. Frantic mothers scrambled the deck and shouted for their lost children. Not everyone got a boat, so the rest of them jumped.

Collapsible A and B remained attached to the officer's quarters. Officer Lightoller and Moody desperately tried to pull the frantic crew together and coax down Collapsible B. Ioan helped grab some spare oars and spars. They settled them under the boat like a ramp. “Cut the ropes! Quickly!” Moody ordered to the seamen on top. The water danced at their feet. Ioan tossed up his pocket knife but the ropes wouldn't cut fast enough. The sea snatched men in all directions. Finally the ropes snapped. “Steady!” Officer Lightoller cried as they pushed the boat forward. “Steady, I say!” The crew was panicked. They shoved the boat off the roof. The makeshift ramp snapped against the weight. The boat crashed onto the deck and trapped a man in his watery coffin. “Turn it over! Turn it over!” The men stumbled to lift the boat, but the ocean took them too. The waves yanked the lifeboat into the sea. Ioan held his breath as the water dragged him after it.

He seized a rope hanging from a davit. The icy waters tired his muscles. He shakily fought against the pull and dragged himself back on deck. The waves swallowed him again and a rush of adrenalin sent him running back to dry deck. His hat teetered away in the abyss. The waves would find him again. It was only a matter of time.

The band abandoned cheerful tunes. A violin sobbed “Nearer My God To Thee”.  A cello and viola joined its lament. Passion burned out the cold. They didn't hear an ocean. Their eyes shut to a world ripping apart. Ioan didn't understand how they did it. They instilled valor in losing yourself to history. These were the mates he wanted to die with.

Ioan shivered tremendously and supported himself against the railing. He thought a lot about jumping. He estimated how many seconds it'd take to reach the bottom. A chef tripped and stumbled by. Ioan stared at him as he tackled deck chairs like a rugby match and threw them overboard. It was all good sport. “Wah! Take that you bastards!” he roared victoriously, hurling each chair overboard. He leaned over the rail and shouted, “You folks catch hold to that! Keep you afloat!” He rewarded himself with another shot of whiskey from his canteen.

“
May I have a glug?” Ioan asked.

The chef slammed the canteen against Ioan's chest. Ioan took a swig. “This is  shameful and unforgivably repulsive,” he winced “I like it.”

“Made it myself.”

“
Disastrous,” Ioan gulped a mouthful down. “What's in it?”

“
Don't matter. It hits you like soap, dun' it? You keep that one,” the chef told him. “It'll keep you afloat out there.”

Ioan grinned. He wouldn't bet on the chef's faith, but at least he was an optimistic dying man. “Good luck to you, sir.”

The chef saluted him. He stumbled on his way, hurling deck chairs as he went and guzzling down a spare canteen. “Folks, I got your chairs coming right up! Get your chairs while you can get 'em!”

Ioan chugged a few more swallows. “God,” he choked in disgust, but it was oddly effective. He drained the canteen as the band played on. He felt jittery and  blissful, so much so that he wanted to play deck rugby too. The alcohol was quick. The chef left no more chairs behind so Ioan decided he better go get one.

He launched the canteen into the ocean. A deck chair floated about 5 yards away. He yanked his tie off and balanced on the edge. He felt like a circus girl, and beamed and nodded at his pretend audience. The ocean rolled over the deck. He whistled at it. “Come on. This way, this way!” he coaxed it. It lapped at his feet. He took a deep breath and jumped.

The freezing water gutted every inch of his body. It was beyond anything he'd ever felt. He kicked to the surface and gasped for air. He couldn't think for moments. He panicked as his hands searched desperately for anything to grab hold to. The veins in his hands constricted and blood pulled away. He kicked for the deck chair, which drifted steadily away. His arms and legs numbed but he knew he couldn't stop.

Finally, it bobbed at his fingertips and he pulled it beneath his chest. His blood churned by the screams in the air. The devil was at work. Ioan saw the ship's hull lift slightly above the water. Deck chairs and people slammed into each other, and bodies met solid metal. He would never forget the sound it all made. Never in his lifetime. He pushed the deck chair forward. He had to escape the ship's suction, but his body was shutting down. He approached his limit in the inexorable ocean.

A lifeboat floated indecisively nearby. The crewman at the rear pointed him out. “There's another one there!” he cried. “We have to go back!”
             

“
Are you mad?  We'll be swamped! Leave him be! If you want to save him, go swim for him yourself! It's our lives or his!” another shouted at the oars.

“
But there's plenty of room! We can spare room for one more!”

“
Do as the man says!” a woman spoke up. “There's no reason why we should watch that man die! How can you live with it?”

“
Shut up all of you! We are
not
going back! Do you see what's happening back there?”

“
All the more reason to go back!” the woman cried.

“
This boat is going nowhere near that ship!”

The lifeboat pulled away. “Wait!” Ioan cried. His voice sounded strangely slurred. His vision doubled and dragged. His head felt heavy. It was agony to move any further. He was so tired. If he could just close his eyes for a moment, he knew he could make it to the boat. He just wanted a moment's rest. His head spun dizzily as the waves toyed with his deck chair. He thought of Cora. “If you take me this night,” he whispered to no one in particular. “'Least finish me off so my body is never found. She shouldn't have to remember me like this.”