One (16 page)

I lean in to kiss him, closing my eyes, lingering there for a moment. For the first time between us, it feels less like a promise and more like a goodbye.

NINETEEN

I
expect to see the boys hanging out in the living room, and I think how much good ruffing their hair and hassling them a little would do me. Maybe drag them outside to kick their butts in basketball, put my float into action. But they’re not out there.

I walk in through the garage and Mom and Dad’s car still emits warmth from the hood, the engine ticking a little. They just got home. Weird that they left as early as we did almost.

The TV sits silent, and only the kitchen light is on. I bound upstairs, dumping my bag outside my room and crossing to the other side of the hall. I crane my neck to look into the boys’ room.

It looks like it’s been robbed.

Their dresser drawers are all pulled out, the clothes strewn everywhere. I glance in the bathroom, and their toothbrushes aren’t tossed in the sink as usual.

I head downstairs, bravely skipping every second step, and find Mom and Dad sitting at the island, eyebrows drawn, holding steaming mugs of tea. Silent. They haven’t said a word since I walked in the door. I would have heard them. How long have they been sitting there?

“Guys?” I say, staring at them, hoping my eyes don’t betray that I’m totally freaking out. “Where are the boys? Did they go for a sleepover or something? I wanted to beat their asses at basketball.”

Mom raises her eyebrows at me, her face drawn and stern. “Language, Merrin.”

“They got called to the program at the Hub.” Dad looks distant. Mom smiles a little, but it’s an exhausted sort of smile. “I know they wanted to say goodbye, but you didn’t answer when they called. Everything okay?”

Duh. I had the cuff’s ringer on silent because of the Symposium dinner. Tears prick at my eyes. I can’t believe I missed them.

“Oh, God, I’m so sorry, you guys.”

“They promised us it would only be a week or so. Probably not longer.” Dad covers my hand with his. “They…they said the boys could help them with a breakthrough. Even got them tutors for the week.”

“And with the success of the other gap year students…” Mom starts.

My gaze snaps to her face. “Success? Did you see them, Mom? Did you see how they looked?”

“Are you talking about the VanDyne girls?” Dad asks, squeezing my hand, eyes sympathetic.

“Yes!” I cry, jerking my hand away. “How could I
not
be talking about them?”

“They’re working those girls hard,” Mom acknowledges. “I saw some early experimentation with them. They’re…impressive.”

“Yeah. Well, Elias is worried. And you guys are stupid if you’re not, too.”

“Merrin!” Dad snaps.

Elias was right to be freaked out. And now I know his panic. Because now we’re more the same than ever before.

It’s past Elias’s curfew, so I try to sleep, tossing and turning, my usual flying dreams interrupted by flashes of white and the expressionless faces of Michael and Max.

Our house is dead quiet, and by eight in the morning, I’m so antsy that I give up waiting. I throw on some jeans, hop into the car, and speed through Superior toward Elias’s.

I’m so on edge that even my arms feel fidgety. Something I blew off as Elias’s uptightness about his sisters has now combined with Michael and Max being gone from our house just like that, without warning.

Elias’s mom looks classy and put-together even in her pajama pants and slippers. For the first time, though, there are bags under her eyes.

“You’re here early, Merrin. Rosie made pancakes. Can I make you a plate?”

For once, a plate full of simple carbs drenched in sugar does not appeal to me. “I’ll wait for Elias,” I say, managing a small smile.

“He’s in the shower, sweetheart. Just leave his door open so he knows you’re here.”

She doesn’t say anything about the Symposium.

“Thanks,” I call over my shoulder as I head down the hall to my right toward his bedroom. As much as I’d like to, it’s not the best day or time to surprise Elias while he’s wearing only a towel.

I notice a door Elias has never pointed out to me, at the end of the hall where I’ve never really gone. Elias’s mom is stationed in the kitchen and his dad’s not around, as usual, so I duck into the room. It’s about the size of my bedroom at home — small — and it’s wall-to-wall lined with computer screens, giant tablets, even a few shelves of old paper-paged books. There are actually a lot of them — a couple dozen, maybe, more than I’ve seen in one place in my entire life.

One of the books lies open on the desk. I tilt my head to read the title:
GENETIC ADAPTABILITY IN THE 22nd CENTURY
. I flip to the front cover to check the printing date, and it’s just over 40 years old. Why would they have even printed a book so few decades ago when the vast majority was already digital? I shake my head and start to read.

As soon as I see the words on the page, I’m hooked. This book takes everything Mom, Mr. Hoffman, and Elias ever told me about Ones and elaborates on it times a hundred. I run my finger down the table of contents page and stop at a section called, “The Curiosity of the Single-Powered Individual.”

The chapter that really catches my eye is: “Malleability of the Gene Structure.” I’ve seen that phrase before — in the title of the lecture at the symposium. The one that made my heart jump and made me feel hope.

Three layers of marginalia frame the text on this page. I peer closer, examining the handwriting of some of the notes. I’ve seen it somewhere before. In Elias’s room, in the note he sent to his sisters. This is Elias’s handwriting. He’s seen this book, studied it. All the “theories” he spouted to me in the cotton field that second time we flew — this is where he read them all.

I flip to the last page of the chapter, and my stomach turns at what I see written there. There’s a column of names written in the long white space below the last paragraph: Monroe, Murdock, Wayne, Bavarsky, Grimm, Radd. And then I gasp as I read the last three: Summers, Suresh, and Grey.

Leni, Daniel, and me.

Shit. And the last three names, the three of us, are starred. He knew the whole time — knew we were Ones, knew the theories. He grew up with Leni and Daniel, but he must have known about my One way before he met me.

What do the stars mean? Are we the only ones still in control of our Ones?

Did he seek me out that first day?

I stuff the book into my bag even though I know I shouldn’t, even though it’s not mine to read, especially not the notes. I stalk to Elias’s room, plunk myself down on the edge of the bed, and wait.

Five minutes later, Elias walks in, wearing sweats, his hair still damp.

I spin around. “I found the office. Thought it was another bathroom.”

He smiles, clearly not getting it. Purple half-circles droop under his eyes. “Can’t believe I didn’t show that to you before. Stupid. I should have known you would love some of those books.”

“Yeah, it was stupid, Elias.” I sit there with my arms crossed, my heart burning and twisting in my chest. He sits in his desk chair and rolls himself toward the bed, so he’s close. He looks sad and distant and a little worried.

Seeing him like this was totally not in my plans. I can’t stand it when he looks like that. It breaks my heart as much as it did the first day I met him. That makes me even more pissed off at him. How dare he make me sympathize with him after what he’s done? After all the things he’s hidden from me?

“Is there something you’d like to tell me?” I ask, with a hard edge on my voice.

“Um…you’re beautiful? And you’re gonna skip town with me?” Elias says, smiling a slight, confused smile and flashing that stupid dimple again. He leans in for a kiss.

I roll my eyes and scoot back a little. “Try again.”

He leans in further to kiss me at my jaw because he knows I’m a sucker for that. “You’re smart?”

“Dammit, Elias!” I yell, and I push him away from me with both hands. I can’t stand for him to be this close to me, not right now. “Let me ask it another way. What were you not telling me?”

I yank the book out of my bag, praying I didn’t damage any of the pages. I hold it by its spine, and its pages threaten to flap open against the inadequacy of my tiny hand. He stares at it, eyes flashing dumbly between my face and the book. He knows exactly what I’m talking about. I know he does. He has to.

I’m suddenly furious at the damn empty look on his face, the opposite of the ones I love, the smiling one and the determined one. This empty one is worse, way worse, than the I’m-okay-but-really-I’m-not one that he always wore when I first met him.

So now I growl at him. “I found that chapter. I found where you wrote my name. What are you not telling me, Elias VanDyne?”

And then his face looks sad, so sad, that tears prickle at the corners of my own. I look down at the book because I don’t want him to see I’m so angry that I’m actually freaking crying.

“Look, Mer.”

“You can call me
Merrin
till I’m done being pissed off at you.” I launch myself off the bed, stand in the middle of his bedroom, arms crossed over my chest.

He clenches his jaw, shakes his head, and looks out the windows.

“Merrin.” He looks back at me. “I didn’t mean to hide anything from you, okay?”

“Oh, yeah?” I say. “Because you’re doing a pretty shitty job of it if that’s what you were going for.”

Then I think of what we’ve been doing together and what the Hub has been trying to get at by testing Elias. My eyes narrow.

“How much does the Hub know about what we can do?” I ask, my gaze so intense I imagine my eyeballs on fire. Maybe I should get Leni and Daniel over here and see if I can make it happen.

“I didn’t tell them anything.”

I look at him, dubious.

“Nothing, Mer, I swear. I was…”

“What? You were
what
?” Asshole didn’t listen to me when I told him to call me Merrin. I’m kind of glad. This just fuels the rage.

“I was waiting to tell Dad until I had worked out a theory as to why exactly it was working with us.”

“So I was going to be your little prize experiment at the end of this whole thing? Is that it? You found me on my first freaking day at Nelson just to try to make this happen?”

Every moment of our relationship flashes before my eyes. Was any of it real?

“Oh, Mer. We were going to be awesome. Be stars together.”

“You mean, test subjects together.”

He nods, his lips set in a hard line. “Yeah. After the Symposium…yeah.” His voice gets softer, and he leans toward me. “Yeah. Now, I’m really worried. That’s why I want us to get out of here.” He stands up, just a foot away from me. The buzz clouds my thoughts. “Seriously. Screw everyone else.” He reaches out and lifts up my hand, holding it gently in both of his. “You’re the only thing that matters to me now.”

My mind seizes. All I ever wanted was to have an in at the Hub. But since Elias came along, even though I wasn’t exactly imagining a future with him, it just hadn’t seemed so bad to not be a normal Super anymore. Being a One, and an awesome One together with him, had felt okay. Enough for me to ditch Mr. Hoffman in the library at least.

Now I have no idea what feels okay because nothing does. My skin crawls again. Back to freaking square one. I yank my hand from his and stalk out.

I’m so mad I almost don’t even realize he’s followed me out to my car. I whirl around and glare at him.

“Do you have memories?” he asks. “Memories of the Hub? Of being there when you were little? Of being…examined?”

“Elias. No. I mean…our parents would have had to…”

He nods, slowly, and I don’t want to believe it. “I remember, Merrin. This has been a reality since we were little. It has nothing to do with me, with my decisions. Nothing at all. Me…knowing about you… Well, yeah, at first I wanted to find you. But then I fell in love with you. And now I just want to protect you, okay? Protect you like I can’t protect my sisters.”

“I don’t need protection. I need honesty, Elias. I need someone who actually cares about me and not my One. Not what I can make them do. And I guess I’m not getting that from you.”

I get into my car, slam the door so hard I think it’ll break off, and drive through the narrow country roads for a long time, until the shaking in my body transfers to the rumble of the tires along the road.

It isn’t until I pull in the garage and rest my forehead on the steering wheel that I really hear what Elias said.

He loves me.

And now it doesn’t even matter anymore.

TWENTY

A
few hours later, my fury has dissipated —thanks in large part to my rickety drums and the abuse I gave them. Now it’s just solid, brooding anger.

I call Leni, and she comes over within a few minutes. She lets me put my head on her lap and runs her fingers through my hair. That soothes me enough that I just feel mortified and empty.

When I think of Elias, that look in his eyes when I yelled at him, I totally lose it.

We sit there in my room on the floor together for what seems like a long time, me sobbing and gasping and snotting on her jeans and her not saying anything because she knows it wouldn’t help. Nothing would help. I can’t even eat ice cream — ice cream! — because my stomach turns and flops and twists so much.

Even though there’s no way I’d tell Leni everything, I do tell her about how we got in a fight, then Elias told me he loved me, and I screamed at him and drove away.

Finally, I flop over on the floor next to her and just stare at the ceiling.

“You don’t even know that anything’s wrong, you know. I mean, it’s not like you broke up. You barely even talked to him.”

That just makes me start crying again. She squeezes my shoulders and says, “It’ll be okay. This is Elias. I know Elias, remember?”

I sniffle. “Yeah. Yeah.” I sit up to blow my nose and look at her. I’m so embarrassed that I laugh a little.

“You guys will figure this out,” she says, rubbing my arm. “I’ve never seen him like this with anyone, Merrin. This is the first year I’ve seen him happy since he was a little kid, you know? He loves you.”

I shake my head and sniffle again. “Not anymore, probably.”

She rolls her eyes smiles. “Merrin. He does. Since he met you, he’s…peaceful. It’s been a while since I could say that about him.”

Leni’s cuff beeps. She answers it, then says, “Yeah. Okay.” She hangs up, leans in, and gives me a hug.

“Dinnertime?” I just realized it had gotten dark outside.

“Yeah. I’ll text later. You okay?” she says into my hair.

“Mmm hmmm.”

I head downstairs after smearing some concealer under my eyes, hoping to find some brownies or a candy bar or something. Mom and Dad sit at the kitchen island, talking quietly.

Mom looks up at me watchfully. I never know whether she is suspicious or worried or disappointed. All I know is that the look is always there, and it’s the reason we’ve never been close. I’ve never been able to figure out what she thinks of me, and there’s no way I can ask her. Especially not now.

“How are you doing, Merry Berry?” Dad asks, smiling. I know he’s trying to lighten the mood. His eyes crinkle upward, like it’s secret code for “Just play along.” But I don’t want to be in a good mood. I want to cry in frustration that they seem to know what is happening with the boys and I have no clue.

The part that causes the biggest ache in my gut is that they don’t seem to think I’m important enough to know.

“Merrin? Merrin.” Mom puts her hand on my arm, and I break out of my daze.

“Yeah, Mom?”

“Merrin, I’m going away for a few days, too. For an intensive study at the Hub.” Her eyes are a little empty, with huge circles underneath them. She’s not happy, not glowing at all like she was after her demonstration at the Symposium.

“Mom, you okay?” I still can’t summon that much affection for her, but I am worried. And what the hell is going on with half my family at the Hub? Half of Superior, it seems like?

“Yes. Yes, I’m okay. I’ve left some dinners frozen for you two.”

I look at Dad. Maybe he knows. Does he know?

Dad picks at his cuticles. “Dear, I don’t think this is the way to…”

Her eyes dart over to Dad, full of some weird look I’ve never seen in them before.

I can’t stand to look at either of them anymore. There’s only one person in the universe who will understand me right now, who knows me and my Oneness inside and out. So, almost without thinking, I head back to my room, pull on one of Elias’s sweatshirts, and call Elias.

“Elias, I have to tell you something.” After agonizing and pacing and burying my face in my Elias-sweatshirt-covered hands, I finally called him.

“I have to tell you something, too.”

I blow out a breath.

He continues. “First, I’m sorry. But you know that. I mean, I hope you do. But there’s something else. Dad freaked out at me about that whole backpack thing again.”

I suck in a breath. “Why?”

He’s silent on the other end, which I can’t stand.

“What did you tell him?”

There’s a pause. “Elias?” I say after a minute.

“Nothing about you. So don’t worry about it.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I told him I flew. Um, finally.”

“You what?” This makes me sit up straight. “Elias, what happens…what happens when he wants you to do it again?” My heart races with panic for Elias, how he’ll perpetuate this lie that he told on my behalf.

“I’ll tell him… I don’t know.” He sighs, so loud I can practically feel it puffing through the speaker. “I’ll tell him it fizzled or something.”

I have no idea what to say. I can think of a million reasons why that’s a bad idea, but I feel like it’s none of my business right now. Not after how we fought this morning.

“We could tell him. Together.”

“No. We’re not doing that. I don’t want you involved in… I just don’t.”

It sounds like he’s saying, “I don’t want you.” And I can see that, I really can, because of the way I reacted, screamed at him, accused him of not caring about me. Worst, didn’t trust him.

“Merrin.”

I don’t know if he wants me to answer or if he just likes to say my name. I’m hoping for the latter, but since I acted like such a freak earlier, I’m betting on the former.

“Yeah?” I say, after a long pause.

“I used to dream about flying.”

Tears well in my eyes, and a lump blocks sound from leaving my throat. I can hear Elias breathing on the other end. Waiting for me, as he always has. After a long minute, I finally say, “Me too.”

“I was dreaming about you, Merrin. I was missing you. Before I even knew you. Before…”

“Before you knew my name?”

“Yeah.”

“But you still knew that before you met me. Didn’t you?”

There’s a pause, and I can hear the rustle of sheets or blankets or something. He must be lying in bed. I guess that would make most girls hot and bothered, but I’ll never be able to truly separate my vision of what I’d like to do with Elias from a cornfield with the scent of autumn fires in the air.

“Yeah,” he says finally. “Just a few years. I’ve been waiting for you to transfer to Nelson. Couldn’t believe it took you so long. And remember…you wouldn’t tell me your name for days. So, really, it could have been any random transfer I had a crush on before you finally broke down and told me.” He laughs shakily. “Besides, the dreams… They were even before then. I wish I could prove it to you, Mer. After that first time we flew together, I wouldn’t have cared if it was our last. After that, all I wanted was you. I wish you could know that. Wish you could know how much I…”

I can’t stand this anymore, can’t stand being angry with him but loving him so much that it hurts. I can’t stand not having anything to say. I can’t stand not telling him about the boys and not knowing why I can’t bring myself to get the words out.

I sigh. “Goodnight, Elias.”

“Goodnight, Supergirl.”

I dream of white rooms and cold air. My body doesn’t rest on anything, and I feel like I’m floating, even though my body feels heavy as usual. I can’t see the sky and I can’t feel the air moving at all. Something pinches my arm, and then I feel dizzy, and the dream turns to dark coldness. I can’t get warm under my covers.

I want Elias more than anything in the world, and I’m terrified, because even if I looked for him now, I know I’d never find him.