One Night to Risk It All (13 page)

“Rachel.” Her gaze met his. He looked like he was in pain, his eyes closed, a deep groove between his brows.

“I’m not going to hit you,” she said, stretching up higher and kissing his neck, “I just want to kiss you.”

He reached out and grabbed her wrist, held her back from him, his eyes. “Only if you’re absolutely certain you want me to push you back onto that bed and take you hard and fast. Make you mine. Make you scream.”

“I think I do,” she said, her voice trembling, her whole body trembling.

He captured her face with his other hand, his expression intense. “That isn’t good enough. You’d better be completely certain.”

She swallowed hard. “I want you, Alex.”

“Why?” he asked, his voice sharp.

“I don’t know why,” she said, a tear sliding down her face. Another tear, nothing significant about this one, since it was the hundred-somethingth tear in an hour instead of the first one in eight years. But still, it felt significant. Everything about this moment did.

“Try to tell me.”

“Because you’re the only man that’s ever made me feel this way. Because you’re the only man I’ve ever wanted,
really
wanted. You make me feel like myself. And I don’t think I’ve ever felt like just...me, before. Everything I’ve done, from rebellion to behaving, has been for other people. You were the first thing I ever did for me.”

“I see.” He traced her jawline with his fingertip. “Am I still a mistake to you, Rachel?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“What? You need to...make me one more time before you’re sure?”

“I might need to get to the end of...everything before I know for sure.”

“And in the meantime you want to make love with me?”

She nodded slowly, his hands still holding her. “Yes. Does that make me... Is there something wrong with me?”

“There’s something wrong with both of us. Because whether I should or not, I’m going to have you tonight.”

“When you say things like that... Alex, it’s enough to drive a woman totally insane. And in a good way.”

“Is it?”

“No one else has ever wanted me. Not really. Not me.”

“I do,” he said. “Feel how much?” He put her hand on his chest, over his heart, then guided it downward, over his denim-covered erection. “Do you feel that?”

“Yes,” she said, squeezing him. “Impossible not to.”

“Then you can’t be in any doubt of how much I want you. Want this. If you’re sure of one thing, be sure of me. Of how much I want you.”

“You really do say nice things.”

“I’m honest. When I want to be.”

“That instills a lot of confidence,” she said, moving her hand over him, cupping him through his jeans. “I think you should take these off.”

“In a moment. I want to watch you take your dress off. We’re always in a hurry. I don’t want to rush this.”

“I might not give you a choice,” she said, moving away from him to the center of the bed and sliding a strap from her shoulder. “I might jump on you.”

“I welcome the challenge,” he said. “You wouldn’t be half so much fun if you weren’t always pushing me.”

“You actually enjoy my back talk?” she asked, pushing down the second strap.

“I more than enjoy it. It turns me on. I’ve seen enough passive, hollow-eyed women, bent on doing what they’re told just to get a fix. Of a drug. Of a person. I don’t want that from you. I don’t want empty compliance or...that thing that you’ve been doing where you try to make everyone’s life easy at the expense of what you want. I want fire.”

She smiled and tugged at the zipper on the back of her dress, letting it fall down, revealing her breasts. “I think I can give you that.”

She was trying to keep it light, keep it sassy, but it was hard to do when she felt as if she might cave in on herself. As if all the emotion that was inside of her was going to expand too far, and when everything came to a crashing halt, she would just fold right in.

She pushed the dress over her hips. The sunlight was bright, filtering in through the window, and she was naked now. But she didn’t feel awkward. She felt incredible. Because he did want her. Because he didn’t want her as the woman she was when she put on her mask and tried to become the perfect hostess. The one who never sent a ripple over the surface of anyone’s life.

He was okay with her not falling in line. With her not being perfect.

“I’ll never be perfect,” she said, the words spilling out of her mouth. She was physically naked, so she might as well be emotionally naked, too.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. You look completely perfect to me.”

“You’re just saying that because I’m naked,” she said. “But that’s not what I mean. I mean...I’m never going to be everything that my mother was. I try. But I can’t sing on key. And I don’t like big fancy parties that much. I like to stay home in my pajamas instead of going to galas. I hate those stupid art shows that she used to sponsor. Generalizing, but I kinda think that modern art is pretentious and I never want to have to go host anything like that ever again.”

“Then why do you?”

“Because I don’t know how else to be...valuable.”

“Right now, touching you seems like it’s more important than air. I feel like if I don’t touch you, if I don’t have you, I might die. How’s that?”

“That feels good. Not an overarching life goal, but good enough for now.”

He put one knee on the edge of the bed and tugged her toward him, kissing her deeply, his arm tight around her waist, hand resting on the curve of her butt as he explored her slowly with his lips and tongue.

“You are,” he said, pausing to kiss her again, “the most incredible woman. The most beautiful. The most frustrating. You are, I hate to say, a terrible singer. But how could you ever doubt your value?”

He kissed her neck and she shivered, whatever words she was going to say drying up on her tongue, stolen completely by his touch, by her desire for him.

Alex advanced on her, strong arms guiding her fall to the soft mattress as he came to rest over her, one of his hands pinning both of hers above her head.

“You’ve said that I made you do things that weren’t in your character,” he said, “but you have turned me into a man I barely know. I dream of you. Of the softness of your skin. The sounds you make when you come. I think about you the way you told me what you wanted from me.” Her face heated at the memory. “You are a distraction,” he said. “One I never expected to deal with. I can’t even think of revenge, and
agape,
I was able to think of revenge when I was starving on the streets, when I made my first million, my first billion. I have always been able to think of it. And for the first time my head is so full of other things, other desires, that I can’t. That is what you do to me. That is powerful. You have done more than make me act out of character—you’ve changed me.”

She wiggled, wanting to touch his face.

‘No,” he said, tracing her nipple with his free hand. “I’m not letting you free just yet.”

“Why?” she asked, panting, out of breath, needing him so badly she thought she might go crazy.

“Because I want to take my time.” He lowered his head, sucking her nipple deep into his mouth. “I want to savor you.”

He lifted his hand to cup her cheek and she nipped at his finger. He paused, a smile curving his lips, his finger hovering just above her mouth. She sucked it in deep, the expression on his face taking on that slightly pained look, then as she released him, she bit him gently.

“You are dangerous,” he said. He bent and kissed her, bit her bottom lip as they separated. “But so am I.”

“I never doubted you were dangerous,” she said, trying to catch her breath. “But I’m not.”

“You don’t think?”

“No.”

“Liar. You are completely deadly. To my sanity. To my senses. I don’t even think I can breathe right when I look at you.”

His free hand roamed over her curves while he held her still. She arched and squirmed, trying to find satisfaction. Trying to find release. But he held her, held the power to bring her to orgasm or not. And he was definitely enjoying teasing her at the moment.

“Please, Alex.”

“Please what?” he asked, kissing her neck, the curve of her breast. He settled between her thighs, the denim rough on her skin. And she moved against him, desperate for satisfaction.

“Please let me...”

“Please let you...? Remember, you have to ask. Don’t hide from me, Rachel. Tell me what you want.”

“Please let me come,” she said, her cheeks getting hot with arousal, not embarrassment.

“Good things come to those who wait,” he said.

“I’ve been waiting. I’ve been waiting for two weeks.”

“So have I,” he said. “And I want to enjoy the experience.”

He moved away from her on the bed and tugged his shirt over his head. She watched the play of his muscles rippling beneath golden skin as he worked on his belt and shrugged his pants and underwear down his legs.

“I want you,” she said.

“I know.”

“I mean...get off the bed.”

“I don’t take orders.”

“You should take these. Now get off the bed.”

He obeyed, standing close, and she moved over to the edge, on her knees. “I want this.” She lowered her head, her heart hammering hard. And she realized she really did want this. She wanted to taste him. Not because it would pleasure him, but because she wanted it. Wanted him in her mouth. Her tongue flicking out to taste the head of his shaft.

Strong fingers gripped her hair, gently pulling her back. “You don’t have to do that.”

“I know.” She met his eyes. “I want to, Alex.”

His hold on her loosened and she bent down again, taking him into her mouth. The sharp hiss of his breath, the tenseness in his whole body, sent a sharp pang of pleasure straight to her stomach.

She was so very aware that this was Alex. The past wasn’t with them. There was nothing shameful tied to what she was doing for him, because she wanted it. Because it wasn’t selfish taking and coercion on his end.

“Stop, Rachel.”

“Why?”

“We’re savoring, remember?”

“I know I am,” she said.

He growled and she found herself flat on her back. He had one arm wrapped around her, the other cupping her chin. “You push me to the edge of my control.”

His kiss was hard, demanding, his tongue sliding over hers, the slick friction sending a wave of lust through her body.

“I’d hate to see you out of control then,” she said, panting as they parted. “I’m not sure I could take it.”

He chuckled, the sound void of warmth. “Perhaps not.” He tightened his hold on her and repositioned them so that they were on their sides with him behind her. “Then again...I might be able to do good things with my loss of control.”

He cupped her breast with one hand, turned her face toward him with the other and kissed her lips. She could feel his erection, hard and hot against her back.

He took his hand from her breast and positioned himself at the entrance to her body, testing her before sliding in deep. She let her head fall back against him, tasting him as deeply as she could in her current position.

His hand drifted between her thighs, stroking her clit as he thrust inside of her. He held her to him, his arm tight over her chest, his breath hot on her neck as he whispered dark, sensual words in her ear.

Alex liked to talk dirty. And he did it so well. Telling her how good she felt and all the things he wanted to do with her, in explicit detail.

She was hot all over, pleasure coiling low and tight inside of her, breathing a near impossibility.

“Come for me,” he said. “You wanted to. Now you have my permission.”

It shouldn’t have been sexy. But the words, low and husky and so commanding, pushed her over the edge. A hoarse cry escaped her lips as he thrust into her one last time, pleasure pounding through her like a wave, enhanced by the pulse of his shaft as he found his own release.

She lay back against him, breathing hard, her body tingling with pleasure, her lungs burning. Her heart was pounding hard, and it hurt. Because it felt heavy, swollen. She couldn’t begin to put a name to what it was, only that it made her feel happy and desperately sad at the same time.

She wanted him. In every way. Wanted to have this, to keep him with her. And she knew that it wasn’t going to happen. She’d refused him. And he was young. He would meet someone new. He would make a family with her. He would do this with her.

And she could only think of one thing to say.

“I’ll marry you, Alex.”

CHAPTER TEN

A
LEX
WAS
SURE
that he hadn’t heard her correctly. He was having a hard time hearing at all, since his blood was still roaring through his ears and his heartbeat was louder in his head than any sound in the room.

And yet he had heard it.

She had agreed to marry him.

And for some reason, instead of feeling like all the pieces were falling into place, he felt a bit like he was falling apart.

“I am glad to hear that, Rachel,” he said.

“It seems like a weird conversation to have right now.”

“No, I think a man should be flattered if a woman decides, after sex, that she will in fact marry him. Better than last time. After which you told me you didn’t want to talk about it and stormed off.”

She cleared her throat. “Um...it’s just...all very confusing.”

He shifted, holding her soft, curvy body against his. He put his hand on her stomach, as he’d done that night two weeks ago. It was still flat. No sign yet of the baby she carried. If it weren’t for the scan earlier, he would hardly believe she was pregnant.

“And now it isn’t? What changed your mind?”

“If I say the orgasm will you run away?”

He could have laughed at her candor—if his chest didn’t feel like it had a pile of bricks on it. “No.”

“Well, it wasn’t that. Not really. But it is partly this. I can’t imagine trying to raise a child with you. Seeing you. And having it not be like this and I thought... I just thought, and I’ll be perfectly honest with you, how if I didn’t marry you there would be other women. That you might have a child with someone else. I don’t want that, Alex. Which brings me to the next part—if you marry me, I’m the only woman you get.”

Her demand warmed him in a strange way. That she could be jealous. That she would want to ensure only she had him. “That’s just fine with me.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I have no desire to ever make you feel used. And it’s not just because of your past, but because of mine. Of my mother’s.”

“You loved her, didn’t you?” she asked.

Her words hit like an arrow. “Yes,” he said. “She was my mother.”

“But a lot of people would be angry with their mothers for putting them in that position.”

“She was a victim, Rachel. Nothing more. Sad and utterly pathetic, and I do not have it in me to be angry with her. No one on all the earth loved her but me, and I am happy to be the one who did. The one who does.” The words stuck in his throat, a note of sadness in them that he despised. Still the boy who longed for her love. The boy who’d never really had it.

“My mother... When she found out about the video—” she let out a shaking breath “—my dad had to tell her because it cost so much to pay off Colin. Mind you, they had a lot of money and she never would have noticed, but he felt like it was right. She was so ashamed of me. She’d taught me better, not to let men talk me into things. Never drink, never smoke, never tarnish our reputation. She’d told me to save my virtue. And I didn’t, in her eyes. I embarrassed the whole family, ruined myself forever, and it would have all been avoided if I had just been...”

“More like her.” He felt a lead weight settle in his stomach. So very strange, but he felt for her. Felt her pain. Just as he felt her pleasure when they made love.

“Yes. But you...you remember your mother’s flaws and you love her.”

“I do,” he said, his throat tightening.

“I love mine, but sometimes I think remembering her as anything but perfect, the way everyone else seems to remember her, is an insult to her memory. I’m the only one who had that relationship with her. It’s almost like I knew someone different.”

“They’re your memories, Rachel. They aren’t wrong. And you have a right to feel upset about them.”

“You’re better than a therapist, Alex. Of course, while dealing with all of these old issues you’re giving me a set of new ones. Also, you’ve given me a lot of issues in general.”

“Have I?” he asked. Her joke, which he was sure was only partly a joke, made him feel unspeakably tired. Made him feel like he was ruining something wonderful.

“Nothing serious,” she said.

“No, just a baby and a husband. I’m not giving you anything too serious.”

“Hey, one day at a time, right?”

“So your solution is not to think about it?”

“No, I think about it. Okay, I don’t really. But I am right now. I did earlier.”

“That was the source of your breakdown.”

“I’m afraid. Because I know how badly even a good person can hurt their child. I’m afraid that I’m really not good enough. I’m afraid that I can’t do it.”

“You have to get some confidence,” he said. “Because I was raised in a brothel and drug house and I’m pretty sure you’re our child’s best chance at normal.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“You’re as normal as they’re going to get, anyway.”

“Love fixes a lot of things,” she said. “Look at how you feel about your mother.”

“Love one way isn’t enough,” he said, his voice rough, the words he hated to voice more than anything out there in the open now.

“Of course she loved you, Alex,” she said. “She probably just had a hard time showing it. Like my mother.”

But his mother’s words rang in his ears. The last words she’d ever spoken to him.

You ruined all of this for me! I kept you all this time for him! And now you’ve taken him from me. He’s the only thing I love. He’s the only reason I kept you all this time! Because I knew then he would let us stay! And now he wants me to go. I have nothing left!

Me, mama. You have me.

I don’t want you, stupid boy! I never did. I would rather die than be without him.

“I’m sure that’s all it was,” he said, the words hollow, the vision of his mother making good on her threat fresh in his mind. “Everything will be fine.”

And he knew he didn’t believe any of what he’d just said.

* * *

She had to call home. It had been nearly two months since her aborted wedding, and still no one knew about her engagement to Alex, about the baby.

Ajax and Leah had gone through a lot of drama, which had resulted in Ajax calling her. That had been awkward.

But he’d only wanted to talk about Leah.

He loved her, which made Rachel feel good. About everything. Because Ajax and Leah were meant to be together, and now, now that Ajax had been able to confess his love, they were together.

And they were going to have a much better marriage than he and Rachel would have ever had.

So great for them, but now she had to cross the hurdle of her and Alex. Hiding out in his house. Taking occasional trips to Cannes together to check in on the expanding boutique.

The good thing was, it was successful, and Alana was considering opening up a second location. And Alex was advising Rachel on investing so she was looking into other businesses, as well. She was becoming a regular venture capitalist.

It was something she had a knack for, and she had the trust fund to start up. Plus it kept her mind off all the reality she had crushing down on her. And oh man, there was a lot of reality.

For starters, she was growing some real, serious feelings for Alex, and that was hard to deal with. It was scary, especially when so much about their future felt scary. Then there was the fact that no one knew what was going on. The fact that she would have to share.

Then there was the wedding business.

Another big wedding. Just a couple months after she’d ditched the original one. The whole thing made her feel a little weird.

Or a lot weird.

Still, she had a phone call to make.

She pulled up Leah’s number in her contacts and pressed Call, taking a deep breath and sitting down on the couch.

“Hi, Leah,” she said when her sister picked up.

“Rachel! I haven’t talked to you in...too long.”

“I know. I’m sorry, but I’m sort of working my stuff out, and I didn’t really want to interrupt you working your stuff out.”

Leah sighed. “Yes, there was stuff. It’s good now, though. I love him, Rachel,” there was a slight pause, “and that’s partly why we haven’t been as close as we should have been these past few years. Because I always loved him. That’s my fault, not yours. It’s hard to be close to someone when they have the man that you love.”

“You loved him?”

“Always,” she heard a catch in her sister’s voice. “I’ve always loved him.”

A tear slid down Rachel’s cheek. It was so easy to cry these days. “I’m so glad you married him, Leah, because I didn’t love him. I never did. And if I’d had any idea that you did...I would never have put us all through this.”

“It worked out. More than worked out. I’m so happy with him.”

“I’m just... I’m glad. I’m so glad.”

“Okay, now you have to tell me about Alex, because I’ve been worried about you. We’ve been worried about you. Ajax, too.”

Rachel smiled. “Yes, he would be. Of course.”

“And Alex...he’s Alexios Christofides.”

Rachel hesitated. “He is.”

“Did you know?”

She swallowed. “Not at first. But I did when I ran out of the wedding. I mean, that’s the thing that I sort of need to tell you all.” There was no easy or painless way to say it. So she just soldiered on. “I’m pregnant. Alex and I are having a baby.”

“Oh... Oh, my gosh. I don’t know what to say. I’ll make you a candy bouquet for your shower.”

Rachel laughed. “Oh, wow. Candy bouquet. Thank you. I don’t...I don’t think I want a shower, actually. I think I’m going crazy.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s not... He doesn’t... He wants to marry me because of the baby. I said yes. I finally said yes because he’s the father of my child and there’s no other man I want to marry. So yes seemed like the thing to say. But now I’ve said it and it just feels... I’m scared. About all of it. Having a husband who doesn’t love me. Having a baby when I can’t remember the last time I held one.”

“I can...see where that would be terrifying.”

“Right?”

“And I know what it’s like to marry a man knowing he doesn’t love you. To have him look at you and know...and know it’s not you he wants.”

“Oh, Leah...”

Her sister paused for a moment. “If you don’t want to marry him just come home.”

“I think I do. Want to, I mean. I think I need to.”

“Because of the baby? You don’t, Rachel. We would all support you. You know that.”

“I know,” she looked down at her hands. Except she didn’t know that. One more step out of line and she was finished. She was very likely finished already. “I do know that. I need to for me. Because as much as sometimes I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing with him, I know I wouldn’t be happy without him.”

“That’s the worst. I totally know how you feel.”

“Ajax?”

“It’s all good now,” Leah said, sighing, “but at first...yeah. I had to make a choice. Did I want to be with him, even knowing that it wasn’t going to be ideal, or did I want to be without him.”

“And obviously you chose to be with him.”

“Yes, and it worked out. But it doesn’t always.”

“I know that.”

It was weird taking advice from her younger sister, but she badly needed it in a lot of ways. Because Leah was the authority on it, after all.

“I know you know, but someone has to say it. Just in case it got knocked out of your head by Alex’s sweet, sweet loving, which, I’m assuming, is what drew you to him in the first place.”

Rachel couldn’t hold in the borderline hysterical giggle that bubbled up into her throat. “There is that. But you know...there was something else. From that first moment, there was something else.”

She wasn’t sure exactly what the something else was. And she was very sure she didn’t want to know. Though she had a suspicion.

And like almost everything else involving Alex, it was the most exhilarating, terrifying thing she’d ever experienced.

“You love him,” Leah said, in the knowing tone of someone who had been afflicted by the same thing.

Her heart sank, and a burst of joy popped inside of her at the same time. It was terrifying. And wonderful. And horrible. Suddenly it was like the walls had come down, and there was no New Rachel or Old Rachel or Rachel With the Walls of Steel Behind her Heart. There was just Rachel.

Rachel Holt, who loved Alexios Christofides more than anything. No matter what.

“Yes. I do. I love him.”

* * *

“Hello, darling.”

Alex walked into his bedroom, well, the bedroom he usually shared with Rachel, and stopped. She was standing there in nothing but a short lace nightgown, her expression nothing short of seductive.

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” he asked, undoing the top button on his shirt. He’d been conducting most of his business via Skype for the past couple of months, when possible, so even though he didn’t leave the house, the video chats made it so he still had to dress up.

But he wasn’t wearing a tie in his own home.

“Of what?”

“The seduction. Because that’s clearly what’s going on here.”

“I told them. My sister, my father. About the baby.”

He paused, squeezing tight on the button he’d been about to push through its hole, the blunt plastic edge biting into his finger. “And?” If they’d hurt her...if they’d said anything to her to make her feel like she’d dishonored them in some way...he feared his actions would be less than noble. Possibly less than legal.

Because Rachel was
his.
And no one was ever to hurt her.

“They were...surprisingly calm. But I think relieved because I explained why I did what I did. I mean, it’s awkward having to say to your dad ‘I met a man and I was overcome by attraction to him’ but I managed. To be honest, I think he preferred it to ‘Dad, I put the car in a ditch while I was drunk’ or ‘Dad, I gave some guy a BJ and he videoed it.’”

“I’m certain he did,” Alex said, his throat tightening. He wished he could get his hands on the scumbag who’d done that to her, that was for sure.

But then he really
would
do something illegal.

“Yes, well...I feel like I can’t worry anymore. About letting everyone down.”