One Secret Night (19 page)

Autumn wiped her face.

“When the paramedics arrived, my dad wasn’t going to let them in. You see, deep down he was ashamed of what a drunk he was. He couldn’t let anyone see him like that. My mother was deathly ill and he wasn’t going to let the paramedics in.” Raith’s jaw clenched. “I grabbed the nearest hard object I could find. A picture on the wall. And I hit him in the head as hard as I could. I wanted to kill him. I was hoping he’d die.”

Autumn found herself barely able to make the connection between Leonardo and the man Raith described.

“While he lay there unconscious, I unlocked the door and let the paramedics in. They worked on my mother. I stayed with her. I rode with her in the ambulance.”

His jaw clenched again and he had to stop and look out the window. Wrenching emotion gripped him. Autumn was certain he’d never felt it so strongly before. He’d been with his mother. He’d tried to save her.

She couldn’t fathom how he could be so stoic.

“She kept looking at me.”

Autumn stifled a sob.

“She had brown eyes. Beautiful, golden-brown eyes. I could see her love. She thanked me for helping her.”

Sniffling, Autumn said, “That’s awful but at least you have something good from the memory, Raith.”

He didn’t hear her. “She had thick dark hair. It wasn’t even graying back then. She looked ten years younger than she was. Not then, though. She was thin. Sickly. I didn’t see it until then. Until I was on the way to the hospital with her.”

He sipped his coffee and put the cup down.

“It’s not your fault.”

“Oh, I know. I was just a kid.”

“And that’s why you blamed your father all these years.”

He nodded once, firmly and with conviction. “When we arrived at the hospital, I kissed my mother on the forehead and told her I loved her and she was going to be all right. She smiled. It was a weak smile. She believed me, I think. That she was going to be all right.”

His mother had believed her son had saved her life. She may have died believing that.

“She held my hand and kissed me back and then the paramedics took her away. I followed, but they put her into intensive care. A doctor came out later and said she had pneumonia and the infection had spread to her organs.” Raith looked out the window again, not seeing, staring. “He said there was nothing they could do. That it was too late. If he’d gotten her sooner...”

He looked at her. “I was allowed into the room. The doctors had her heavily sedated. That’s what they do for people they know are going to die. Numb them so they aren’t aware. I held my mother’s hand while the heart monitor slowed until it stopped. It took several minutes.”

That was terrible for a young teenage boy to go through. “Did...did your father ever show up?”

“No. And neither did my older brother. I didn’t call him. It took years for him to forgive me for that. My dad? He declined medical care that night and passed out on the sofa. He was there when I eventually made it home. I walked. He heard about it in the morning. From me. I told him if he ever touched me again I’d kill him. And I would have.”

That must have been his turning point. He’d gone to college with the intention of going into politics, but his heart had already made up his mind for him. He’d veered off his path and done what he couldn’t do for his mother.

“Do you see now why I never wanted to see my father again?” he asked.

All she could do was nod.

“And why I dreamed of killing him? Why I hoped he’d give me a reason?”

Again, she gave a nod. “And he’s been dead to you all these years...until now.” That had to be why he was telling her all of this, and in such detail.

Long seconds passed before he finally said, “Yes. It’s different now.”

“You want him to live.” He’d forgiven his father, or had begun to. “That’s good.”

He shook his head. “I’m not so sure about that.”

“
Be
sure.”

“Why? He’s going to die. My wish is coming true.”

Was he beating himself up over that? “Your father would never blame you for that. You could tell him every one of your dark thoughts and he’d forgive you. It’s your forgiveness he needs, nothing more.”

Leaning back, he stared out the window awhile, drinking coffee. After a few moments, she saw and heard him sigh. His eyes took on a more animated shape, not so drained by the past. Talking about this had lifted a great burden from him.

When he turned to her again, he was still somber, but a much different man than the one she’d seen before, confessing something he’d confessed to no one else. She felt honored.

Autumn sipped her coffee and stood. “Let’s go back to the waiting room.”

Raith stood and walked with her out of the cafeteria. As they approached the waiting room, a doctor appeared.

“Raith De Matteis?” the doctor asked.

“Yes.” He sounded shaken.

Autumn took his hand, leaning against him in support.

“Your father is stabilized and resting,” the doctor said. “His cancer has advanced rapidly. He had an infection that caused sepsis in his body. That affected some of his organs, the most significant being his heart. In his weakened state, he also experienced cardiac arrest. We got him in time, however. If he had gotten here minutes later, he would have died. We came very close to losing him.”

Raith’s head went down briefly with that news, like a flinch from the emotional pain it caused.

“I spoke with his oncologist,” the doctor went on. “He told me about the experimental medication they were going to try. We’ve decided to go ahead with it here. He’s too weak to move or travel and time is going to be precious over the next week. We can’t afford to wait.”

Raith met her look. The weight was back in his eyes. Where he’d felt it for one parent, now he felt it for another. Losing his dad this way, at the last hour, too late to do anything, would devastate him.

“Experimental treatment might work, Raith,” she said. He needed encouragement, her dark, sweet, sexy hero who obeyed no laws but didn’t need to.

“Is he conscious?” he asked.

“Yes. We’re going to keep him in ICU for a few more days. Then he’ll be moved to a recovery room for a few more. We’ll see how he does. His release will depend on how quickly he regains his strength.”

If he ever did. That part was left unspoken.

“Have you started the experimental treatment?”

“Yes, but as I’ve said, his cancer is advanced and he’s so weak...”

“What do you think his chances are?” Raith asked.

The doctor sighed and took a moment to reply. “Depending on how he recovers from the septic shock, it will still be difficult to predict. Each patient responds differently to the treatment. We’ll monitor him closely over the next week.”

The doctor said depending on how he recovered, but what he was really saying was
whether
Leonardo recovered.

“Can I go see him?” Raith asked.

“Of course, just keep in mind that what he needs most right now is medication and rest.”

Raith turned to her, eyes clouded with apprehension. He had an opportunity to bond—one last time—with his father.

“You go alone,” she said. “I’ll wait out here.”

As she watched him go, Autumn felt her feelings shift to another level. Raith had given her a glimpse of the boy who’d tried to rescue his mother and who’d grown into a man with unwavering drive to rescue anyone else he could. No lawless rebel. Just the opposite.

* * *

Raith entered the room. His father lay semi-reclined, pale and wrinkled, tubes in his nose and arm, and another surgically implanted into his chest, feeding his body with powerful antibiotics to fight the septic shock. Raith stopped at the sight of his father’s body so vandalized by sickness.

“You weren’t supposed to see me like this,” his dad said, his voice gravelly from the breathing tube.

Raith moved toward the bed. “I’d much rather see you climbing Mount Everest, but walking out of this place will do.”

His dad laughed feebly. “I did do a lot of hiking in the Selkirk Mountains a few years ago.”

“You shouldn’t talk too much.”

His dad patted the bed in dismissal. “That was a good trip. Have you ever been there?”

“The Selkirks? No, but I’ve heard of them.”

His dad took a few breaths through the tubes in his nose. “Have you ever taken a trip for yourself?”

He hadn’t. “I’ve been all over the world.”

“Anywhere for fun?”

Nowhere for fun. Raith stepped forward and sat in the chair beside the bed.

“You should stop burying your past in rebellion, Raith.” He took some time breathing again. “Do it now while you’ve still got several good years left.”

Maybe he had rebelled by getting into the kind of work he did. But he’d also had a passion for it. Upon reflection, that passion had waned in the last few years. He’d grown tired of traveling so much, especially to third world countries.

“Do you have any great memories from any of the trips you’ve taken?” his dad asked.

Great memories? He had to think long on that. He wouldn’t call any of them great. Successful. “I do things for fun, Dad.”

Leonardo smiled a little and Raith realized he’d called him Dad. But his father was careful not to point it out. “Like what?”

“Festivals. Home projects.”

“Alone?”

“I have friends in Lander.”

“But not family.”

“They’re like family.”

“You need the real thing, Raith. Festivals and home projects and close friends are a nice start, but you need a wife and some kids. Maybe a dog and a job where you don’t have to travel.”

The truth was he could retire now. “I’m happy with the way my life is.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Raith didn’t, either. As soon as he spoke it aloud, he felt the lie.

“You can be happier,” his dad said. “Don’t make the same mistakes I made.”

“You shouldn’t be talking so much. Rest.”

His dad rolled his head from side to side. “I need to say this. I had a family and I threw them away. I’ve lived alone a lot of years. It’s not a natural existence, Raith.” He took some time to breathe through his nose. “Autumn is a fine woman.”

“Let’s not talk about that.”

“Why? So you can keep burying your past? No, Raith. If there’s one thing that would make me die a happy man, it’s knowing you’ve changed your ways. Your forgiveness would be the icing on the cake, but I’d settle for you letting go of what a bad father I was and...” He breathed deeply awhile. “Moving forward with Autumn and the baby.”

“Stop talking like you aren’t going to make it.” And stop talking about Autumn and especially the baby. It had just made him break out in a cold sweat.

His dad grunted weakly. “I might not. Chances are in favor of death. Doc didn’t say it, but I saw it in his eyes and heard it in his voice.”

Raith reached over and put his hand on his dad’s frail arm. “You want me to tell you I’m going to marry her and we’re going to live happily ever after?”

“Only if you mean it.” His dad shifted his head on the pillow so his eyes could search Raith’s. “Do you love her?”

Raith leaned back against the chair. “I don’t know.”

“You know.”

He was burying it. That’s what his dad was saying. He buried anything that resembled a chance at a normal, happy life. Being a loner, he wasn’t in any danger of feeling too much, of hoping for too much. Like the love of his father—something he was getting a good dose of right now.

“It’s too soon to talk about love with Autumn.”

“You could love her if you let yourself.”

That felt true enough to him to scare him.

“She loves you.”

Raith looked at his father, only then becoming aware that he’d turned away to stare out the window.

“I can see it every time she looks at you,” his dad said. “She holds back, though. Because you aren’t there for her. You close yourself off to her and the baby.”

“Dad...” Autumn didn’t love him...did she? And why did he keep calling him Dad?

“Don’t do it, Raith. If it takes my last breath, I’ll keep saying it until you listen to me. Don’t bury love. Don’t shut Autumn and the baby out. Let them in. Don’t do what I did. You learned how to shut those you love out from me. With you, it’s your job that enables you to do that. With me, it was the booze. Don’t make the same mistake.”

“Autumn is famous because of who her dad is. I can’t have my picture all over the place.”

“You can if you change your ways.”

“You think you have me all figured out. How is that possible when you’ve been out of my life for so long?”

“I wasn’t drunk all the time.”

When he was a kid, his dad saw him as the superhero of Raith’s imagination, not a mercenary. Raith didn’t consider himself a mercenary, but that’s how his dad saw him now.

“If you love her and you let her in, you’ll find a way.”

How did he feel about Autumn? Terrified of her pregnancy. Sexually, he desired her like no other before her. And he loved her independence. Her adventurous spirit. And her warmth. Underneath her fearless verve was a kind, gentle and loving woman. She’d make a good mom.

“I wish I could be around to see you do that,” his dad said.

And that made Raith lean forward and touch his father’s arm again. “Don’t talk like that.” He hadn’t had the chance to say goodbye to his mother, and now he realized it didn’t matter. His mother had said goodbye with only a look in her eyes. Goodbyes could come in any form. As long as there was love.

His dad scoffed softly, with what little energy he had left in his body. “Don’t face the truth?”

“It isn’t true until it happens.”

His dad reached over with his other hand and patted Raith’s where it rested on his arm. “I’m proud of you no matter what you decide. I just think you’d be happier with Autumn.”

“Maybe you’re right.” He’d let his dad think it, anyway.

A twinkle beamed through his dad’s illness in his eyes. “I’m so glad I didn’t give up on contacting you.”

“I’m glad, too.” And Raith meant it. Autumn had been right. He would have regretted turning his dad away.

“Are you?”

It seemed his dad needed some reassurance. “Yes. And I forgive you.”