Our Father Who Are Out There...Somewhere (35 page)

“Soz.”  Lily sits on the edge of the bed next to her. “You’re the one and only thing I’m gonna miss. But I feel like I’ve got this one chance; it’s now or never. I’ve got to find out what it’s like.”

“What what’s like?”

“You know,” says Lily looking at her fingernails. “Normal. Family.”

“Normal? You want to be normal?” The disbelief in Jo’s voice is clear.

“Well, I don’t mean, oh God, Jo, I don’t know.”

“You won’t be able to smoke.”

“Well, it’s probably not such a bad thing for me to cut down a bit. I’ve been smoking since I was eleven.”

“What about me?” Jo looks at Lily for the first time and Lily sees the tears welling up in her eyes. “I’ll hate it here without you.”

“Maybe I’ll just do it for a few months. I can keep my room on here. I’ll pay the rent.”

“Yeah? Planning another kidnap?”

“I don’t need to. I just found out. I inherited some money from my granddad. Can you fucking believe it? I’m a trust fund kid.”

Jo tips her head against Lily’s shoulder and Lily puts her arm around Jo. “Don’t be sad, Jo. Please. I can’t bear it.”

Jo does her best to smile though the tears are now running freely down her cheeks. “I’ll miss you so much. You’re sure you’re sure about this, Lil? I mean, your dad’s a bit-”

“I know. He’ll probably drive me crazy in a few weeks and I’ll be back here looking for a job.”

Jo leans her head against Lily’s shoulders again. “I just don’t think he deserves you, Lily,” she says.

Lily jumps as another knock sounds on her bedroom door. “Oh no, it’s that fucking Joel again.”

“Jo?” calls a voice.

“’S alright,” says Jo. Her cheeks seem pinker than a moment ago as she pulls herself up off the bed and checks her reflection in the chipped mirror that’s attached to the chest of drawers. “It’s, er, it’s Andy.”

“Andy, as in representative of the fascist state, Andy?” Lily smiles.

“Yeah, so what?” says Jo as she reaches to open the door.

Alice is sitting on the blue bench as the bus pulls in to Skipton bus station. Lily meant only to stay one night in Leeds but it turned into three. Deep circles underline her eyes and she’d almost fallen asleep on the bus. Alice hugs her. “Have you been eating? You look tired.”

“I’m fine,” says Lily, a feeling like pleasure that someone notices her enough to know she looks tired. “Where’s the others?”

“Your granddad’s gone to a meeting at the town hall. Something to do with the historical society. And David and Fiona are still at school.”

Lily looks up at the clock on the bus station wall. It’s only two o’clock. It feels later, maybe because she’s so tired. Alice links arms with her and they leave the bus station. “They got the keys to the new house yesterday. David’s talking about moving in next weekend.”

“Cool. How’s Fiona?”

“Ok. She’s going to Ruth’s for tea. They seem to be seeing a bit more of each other. Apparently Ruth’s finishing work earlier so they can spend some time together. A case of ‘you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone’ I think.”

“So, Fiona’s not coming home after school?”

“Well, in fairness, we didn’t know you were coming home today.”

When they’re back at the house, Lily glances up at the kitchen clock. “I’m going to meet Fiona from school,” says Lily.

Alice having pulled the rucksack from Lily’s back, is busy stuffing all her clothes into the washing machine. “I’ll just make it, if I run. Just to say hi, before she goes to her mum’s.”

“Fine. Will you pick up a pint of milk on your way home?”

Lily runs down the street. They live on the other side of Skipton now, and the walk to school takes over half an hour, so Fiona catches the bus most mornings. Lily arrives outside the gates as school-children are already pouring from the building. Lily’s pretty sure Ruth won’t be meeting Fiona at school, but all the same she tries not to draw any attention to herself. She stands against the wall, watching the students swarm by, but there’s no sign of Fiona. She waits until the last stragglers have left the playground and then runs to the bus stop three streets away. There are children from the school hanging around, chewing gum and clutching files, but Fiona is not among them.

Lily climbs on the bus, remembering to pick up a pint of milk from the corner shop when she gets off.

“How was she?”

“Don’t know. I didn’t see her. The bell had gone by the time I got there. I must have missed her.”

Upstairs she unpacks the rest of her worldly goods and spreads them on her single bed. Two photographs of her mother, a mirror and her small collection of books and LPs. And an envelope sandwiched between the pages of ‘The Unbearable Lightness of Being’, which contains a print out of a statement of her grandfather’s trust fund, totalling just over one hundred and thirty seven thousand pounds.

She hears footsteps on the stairs and immediately folds the piece of paper back between the pages of the book. David knocks on her door and then opens it. “Hi, you’re back. We missed you. Did you have a good trip?”

“Yes, thanks. I sorted out the house in Accrington, and withdrew from my course in Leeds.”

“Well, we can talk about that later. There was an article in the Times Ed while you were away; the universities with the best graduate employment records. You know you could always resit your A levels. It’s never too late you know.”

“I feel like I need to decide what I want to do first.”

“Ok. Well, like I said, we can talk about it later. Did grandma tell you we got the keys for Fern Cottage? We can move in whenever we want.”

“Cool.”

“It won’t be like living in your student digs in Leeds, you do realise that, don’t you? I am your father and there will be rules. Not smoking indoors, for one.”

“I’m cool with that. So long as you remember I’m nineteen and don’t expect me to be in by nine every night.”

“Oh goodness no. I was thinking ten o’clock might be reasonable on a Saturday night.”

Lily hits him with a T-shirt, catching him on his hip. “Come on,” he says, “Granny told me to tell you tea’s ready.”

Try as she might to stay awake, Lily’s fast asleep by the time Fiona gets home, lulled to sleep by the smell of freshly ironed sheets and a stomach full of homemade rhubarb crumble.

“Right,” says Lily, zipping up her holdall. “I’m done. I’ll see you there. You sure you don’t want me to ride the bike round?”

“No, you go in the van and I’ll dawdle and then hopefully you’ll have unpacked it all by the time I get there.”

“Gee, thanks.” Lily takes a last look around their bedroom. The two single beds have already been dismantled and are now in the van outside. Fiona’s belongings are still strewn around the floor.

“Give us a hug, sis,” says Fiona. She holds onto Lily tightly.

“It feels like I haven’t seen you in ages,” says Lily, a little taken aback by the ferocity of Fiona’s embrace. “Why don’t we get fish and chips and a video tonight? Celebrate our new house and catch up.”

“I feel sad, leaving this place.” Fiona’s eyes look bright.

“We’re only twenty minutes away, and we’ll still visit, you soft lump.”

“I just feel like I’ve moved a lot these last few weeks. I’ve only ever lived at Newlands. And then in the last six weeks, I’ve been all over the place.”

“Well, your mum’s not moving anywhere is she? You’ve still got your room there. You’ve spent three nights in it this week. How is your mum?”

“She’s really changed. Well, actually I don’t know whether she’s changed or I’m just getting to know her better. Did you know she had a baby that died? Our brother. Now isn’t that weird? He died of cot death when he was only two months old.”

Lily isn’t sure whether she should say that she already knows, so she starts fiddling with the zip on her hold all instead. Fiona sits on the floor surrounded by piles of clothes. “I think that’s why she starting working like she did. She said she felt she’d failed. That it was her fault, something she’d done or not done. Not as much was known about it then. I feel sorry for her. She didn’t exactly get great parenting tips from her parents.”

David beeps the horn in the van outside. Lily looks through the curtains and sees David and Arthur sitting in the front seat. Her grandparents have both volunteered to help with the move. She waves at them. “Right, I’d better go.” She swings her bag over her shoulder, “I’ll see you round there in about half an hour.”

“We’ve forgotten tea-bags,” says Alice as she opens the front door of their new house to them. Her long grey hair is tied back off her face and she’s dressed for the business of cleaning, in a blue nylon house-coat, that’s similar to something Aunt Edie would wear. “And the phone’s not connected. It’s so dusty in here, I’m gagging for a brew.”

“I’ll go back and get some,” says Lily. “It’ll only take me ten minutes if I cut through the woods.”

“Take a coat,” shouts Alice. “It’s about to chuck it down.”

Arthur and David are manoeuvring the first single bed out of the back of the van as Lily walks back down the drive. “Where do you think you’re going?” asks David.

“Mercy mission. No tea bags,” says Lily. “I won’t be long.”

Great black storm clouds hover, as Lily crosses the road and walks into the cul-de-sac where Alice and Arthur live. Lily gets to the garden gate before noticing  Fiona, her back to Lily, locking the front door. Fiona is wearing a backpack that is almost as big as herself. “Fiona?” Lily opens the small wooden gate. “You can’t ride a bike with that on. Why didn’t you put it in the van?”

Fiona doesn’t turn around for ages. Lily walks up the path towards her. “Fiona?”

Fiona turns round slowly. Her face is pinched and white. “I’m not coming.”

“What do you mean, you’re not coming. Where are you going?”

Fiona shakes her head and purses her lips. She draws a deep breath and as she exhales, her shoulders sink an inch. “I’ve got a job.”

“What?” says Lily.

“In Paris.”

“You’ve got a job in Paris?”

“Oh God, I know I should have told you, but I just couldn’t. I’m going to Paris. For a year.”

“What job?”

“An au pair. With a nice family.”

“Are you nuts? What about school? And what about Dad, the house?”

“You’ll have to tell him.”

“No chance. You can’t leave like this. What are you thinking?”

Fiona squares her shoulders and looks at Lily’s face for the first time. Because she’s still standing on the step she’s an inch or two taller. “You’ve found your family, and I’m really pleased for you, but I feel like I’ve lost mine. And I’ve always wanted to travel, and I thought I’d never be able to, because being the only child, well, you know what it’s like. But now, I’m not an only child anymore.”

“You can’t just leave, not like this. What about Dad? Granny? You’ll break their hearts.”

“Don’t you dare start guilt-tripping me.”

“What about school?”

“I hate school. I keep telling everyone and no one listens to me. I haven’t been to school since the day you kidnapped me. I told them my parents have split up and I’ve moved to Portsmouth.”

“Fiona.” Lily’s face is contorted with disbelief.

“Don’t start telling me how to live. You’re not exactly an advert for doing the right thing.”

“Have you told your mum?”

“Yes. She thinks it’s time I learnt to stand on my own two feet. She got me the job. She says I’ve relied on a man for everything and he’s let me down. She says this could be the making of me.”

Lily rubs her chin. “What were you going to do? Leave a note?”

Fiona doesn’t answer.

“What about Dad?”

“He’ll be ok, now he’s got you.”

 “But I don’t want to live with him, without you. I want to live with you, that’s the whole point. You’re my sister.”

“Don’t give me that either. You weren’t the slightest bit interested in me; all you wanted was a dad. All those weeks of you watching us, you never thought about me, just him. You wanted a dad and now you’ve got one. Personally, I’m a bit tired of having a dad, of always having to do what I’m told the whole time.”

“Fiona, have you gone mad? We’ve just rented a house.”

“It’ll give you time to get to know each other, without me being in the way.”

“I don’t want him, not without you. I want to be with you.”

Fiona shakes her head. “I need to be on my own. Please, Lily, don’t make this hard. I’ve thought about it. It will give you and Stuart space to see whether you want to be together.”

“I don’t want Stuart,” says Lily, her voice rising with desperation.

“He wants you. He tries hard, but all he’s thinking about is you. He’s like a love-sick puppy. You should ring him.”

“I told you, I promised you I won’t ever see him.”

“There’s no point not seeing him. He loves you, whether you love him or not. He’s yours.”

“Is that what this is about?”

“No, I need to think about what I want from my life. Please don’t spoil it for me.”

“But why didn’t you talk to me? What were you going to do, just disappear?”

“I didn’t want a scene.”

“A scene? You think you can move to Paris and there won’t be a scene? Dad will flip his wig.”

“Mum said she’d explain it to him.”

“Oh, that’ll go down well.”

“This is my chance. I’ve got to take it.” Fiona pushes past Lily and walks down the path.

“Fiona, please. Wait. At least tell them yourself.”

Fiona opens the gate and steps outside onto the path. She closes the gate behind her. “I can’t. I’m really sorry but I can’t. There’s a letter inside. You give it to them.”

“Fiona,” Lily curses the tears that are spilling down her cheeks again. Having not cried once for as long as she can remember she now feels like a leaky tap.

“Don’t, Lily. Please. Please understand. I’m not going forever, but I need to do this. I’ll write to you.” Fiona’s already half way down the path by the time she gets to the end of her sentence. Lily notices for the first time the minicab waiting a couple of doors down.

Lily watches her sister waddle down the street, her slender frame leaning backwards under the weight of the rucksack, and wonders whether she’ll get back to Fern Cottage before the clouds break.