Out of the Black (2 page)

“It would’ve been at one time.”

I stirred my drink, watching the kaleidoscope of light from the back bar reflect off the slow-melting ice. “You know I can’t do something like this. It’s not who I am.”

Jay turned to face me. “I need this, Matt. We both need this, and you know it.”

There was an edge to his voice that bothered me, and it made me want to argue, but I couldn’t.

He was right.

“I made promises,” I said. “I can’t break them.”

“Promises? To who?”

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t need to.

Jay looked down at the wedding ring on my finger and frowned. “You’re still wearing the ring?”

I nodded.

He sighed, deep, shook his head. “All right, I’ll lay off, for now. This isn’t what tonight was supposed to be about anyway.” He took a drink. “Five years inside. We have a lot to catch up on.”

“It’s been a long time.”

Jay turned and lifted his glass. He held it up between us. When I didn’t reach for mine, he frowned.

“Come on, for old times?”

I picked up my glass. “What are we drinking to?”

Jay seemed to think about it for a moment, then he smiled. “To ghosts.”

I didn’t like the toast, but before I could say anything, Jay reached out and touched his glass to mine. The soml" href="../s

The cab pulled up in front of my house. I took the last of my cash and handed it to the driver. Then I turned to Jay and said, “Good to have you back.”

Jay looked past me at the house. “This is your place?”

“That’s right.”

He stared for a moment longer. “Are you sure you don’t need the money?”

“’Night, Jay.”

“You’ll think about what we discussed, right?”

“Sure,” I said. “I’ll think about it.”

I got out and sh+

The house was dark except for a soft glow coming from the kitchen window. I knew that Anna would be asleep by now, and that Carrie would be inside, waiting.

Knowing this made me feel even worse.

I slid my key into the lock and went inside, moving as slow and silent as possible. I took off my coat and set the keys
on the table by the door and headed toward the light in the kitchen. Halfway there, I saw a shadow shift on the couch, and I heard a voice.

“Matt?”

“It’s me,” I said.

Carrie sat up, her eyes half-closed. She tucked her hair behind her ears and stretched. “What time is it?”

“Late.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” I said. “Lost track of time.”

“I figured.” She looked around. There was a library book lying open on the end table next to a half-empty cup of coffee. She picked up the book, marked her place, and closed it on her lap. “Did you have a good time?”

I had to think about my answer.

“Yeah,” I said. “I guess I did.”

“You must’ve. What did you two talk about?”

“He offered me a job.”

Carrie’s eyes went wide. “That’s great.”

“Not that kind of job,” I said.

It took her a moment, but then the understanding spread over her face. “Oh.” She paused. “But he just got out of jail. Why would he—”

“I don’t think he was serious,” I said. “He talks big, but nothing ever comes of it.”

“I guess that’s good.”

“He’s part of a different life, that’s all.”

“There’s only one life,” Carrie said. “Just different chapters.” She got up and stepped closer, then reached out and touched my arm, soft. “I’m happy you’re home safe.”

I looked down at her hand. Her skin felt good against mine—too good—and for an instant, all I wanted to do was reach out and pull her close and kiss her.

But I didn’t.

Instead, I moved away.

Carrie smiled, but it never touched her eyes.

We stood, neither of us saying a word, then Carrie motioned toward the window and her house across the street. “I should go. I’m sure you’re tired.”

I nodded. “Thank you again.”

“It was fun,” she said. “Oh, and someone called for you. He didn’t leave a number, said you’d know what it was about.” She picked up her coffee cup and started toward the kitchen. “I wrote it down. Brian something.”

I felt a cold burn start deep in the center of my chest. It hung there for a moment, then sank.

I tried to ignore it.

Carrie one-level brick building to the out of came out of the kitchen with a yellow sticky note and handed it to me. “He said he wants to see you, but he didn’t leave an address.”

I read the note then crumpled it. “Thanks.”

“Who’s Brian?”

“A friend of mine,” I said. “He owns Murphy’s, down on Sixth Street.”

“Brian Murphy?” Carrie folded her arms across her chest. “It’s not Brian Murphy, is it?”

I didn’t answer. “It’s late.”

“Matt?”

“What do you want me to say?” I thought of Anna asleep in her room and lowered my voice. “He’s an old friend, and he helped me out a while ago.”

“Helped you out?”

I paused. “I would’ve lost the house, Carrie.”

“You borrowed money from Brian Murphy?”

“It wasn’t my first choice.”

“I hope not.” She put a hand to her chest. “What about me? I would’ve lent you the money.”

“You don’t have the money to lend.”

“I could’ve found it,” she said. “And you wouldn’t end up dead in an alley if you couldn’t pay me back.”

“I’m not going to end up dead in an alley,” I said. “I’ll pay him back.”

“It’s not him I’m worried about,” she said. “Do you have any idea who he works for?”

“I know,” I said. “And I’ll handle it.”

Carrie started to say something else, but instead she put a hand to her mouth and turned away.

“Go ahead, say it. You might as well.”

She shook her head. “No.”

“You don’t think I’ll be able to pay him back.”

“Let me lend you the money,” she said. “You can settle with him and pay me when—”

“No.”

“—ever you can.”

“I don’t want to do that.”

“What you don’t want is to owe these people money.”

“I don’t want to owe money to anyone,” I said. “That includes you.”

Carrie stopped talking and turned away. “I should go. I’ll stop by in the morning and walk Anna to school.”

“I’ll take her,” I said. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure?”

I told her I was.

Carrie nodded and grabbed her coat from the arm of the couch. I stood by the door, watching her slide it on, and tried to think of something else to say, but all I could do was stand there and hold the door as she walked out.

When she got to the bottom of the steps, she stopped and turned back. “Just so you know, I gave her a camera. It’s an old Polaroid I found. She really loves it.”

“I bet s end up dead in an alley of my 181he does.”

Carrie started to turn away.

This time I stopped her.

“How was she tonight?”

“She missed you.”

I nodded, ignoring the empty feeling the words left behind, and said, “Other than that.”

Carrie took a deep breath and let it out slow. “We worked on her reading and her numbers and she did great. She’s progressing, Matt. I think she’s going to be fine.”

I smiled and felt my throat get tight. For a second I couldn’t speak at all. When I finally found my voice, all I could say was, “Thank you.”

We stood for a moment longer, silent, letting the snow fall soft and slow around us. Then Carrie raised one hand and turned away, crossing the street to her house.

I watched her until she was safely inside. Then I stepped back and closed the door.

Anna’s room was at the end of the hall. I stopped outside her door. There was a new handwritten sign tacked halfway up that read
No Boys Allowed!!!
Then underneath it, in smaller letters, the words
This means you, Daddy!

I smiled and pushed the door open.

The light from the hallway slid across the room. Dash, Anna’s Jack Russell, was lying at the foot of the bed. I could see the two white spots on his back, and I thought about the day I brought him home, and how Anna had said they looked like big snowflakes—the same but different.

She was right.

I stepped closer, and Dash growled.

I put a finger to my lips and shushed him.

He growled louder, showed teeth.

Anna was on her side, asleep, with one arm slung over her head. I sat on the edge of the bed next to Dash, who made one last growling effort to scare me off. When it didn’t work, he got up and moved to the other side, away from me.

I lifted Anna’s arm away from her face and watched her sleep. The light from the hallway shone warm against her skin. I reached up and ran my finger along the scar just above her eyebrow, tracing the jagged pink line until it curved and disappeared under her hairline.

Anna stirred. “Daddy?”

Dash sat up, grunted.

“I’m here, baby.” I brushed the hair from her face. “Go back tD/xhtml11.dtd"

I turn off the shower and I can hear her in the room. I pull back the curtain. She’s standing at the sink, leaning into the mirror, tracing the thin lines around the edges of her eyes with her fingertip.

I say, “You’re beautiful.”

She says, “I swear these weren’t here yesterday.”

I reach for my towel and wrap it around my waist. The air is warm and wet and I can smell the morning coffee drifting in from the kitchen where Anna is eating her breakfast and singing.

Beth is wearing her blue dress, the one I love. The fabric is thin, faded by wear, but the way it slides over her skin when she moves makes me ache inside.

I stand behind her and run my hands down her back, stopping at her hips. Then I press against her and kiss her neck.

She makes a warm sound, closes her eyes.

“Do you have to go?” I ask.

“Yes.”

I breathe against her neck, my lips barely touching her skin. “I wish you didn’t.”

“I’m sorry.”

I kiss her again then reach down and slowly lift her dress up over her hips.

“Hey.”

A whisper.

Beth pushes back, and the sound she makes burns through me in the most perfect way.

“I love you,” I say.

Beth breathes hard, leans forward. As she does, a drop, like a single tear, falls dark and lands red in the clean white sink.

Then another.

I stop moving and watch her in the mirror. Her head is down, and her hair falls forward, covering her face.

She doesn’t speak.

“Are you okay?” I ask.

More drops, and now the sink is red with blood.

I step back and move the hair from her face, still watching her in the mirror. “Hey, look at me.”

Beth lifts her head, slow, and at first, all I see is the blood. Then I notice her eyes, dark and rimmed with shadows, staring out at me from behind a veil of hair.

I step back, feeling the scream build inside me.

Beth smiles, showing rows of dark, broken teeth.

Again, I want to scream, but the only sound I hear is the cold rush of air in her throat as she opens her mouth and—

“Daddy?”

“Daddy?”

I opened my eyes.

There was a click, a flash, and I was blind.

I sat up fast, kicking the sheets away. Xpa, Matt. “What the—”

Anna laughed, and the tiny motor in the camera spun. “Look what Carrie gave me.” She set the camera on the bed and pulled the swirled gray photo out and handed it to me. “This one’s for you. It takes a few minutes.”

“Thank you.” I felt a sharp pain behind my eyes, and my heart was pounding heavy against my ribs. “Are you hungry?”

“I made toast.” She looked at me, frowned. “You stayed out late.”

“Yes I did.”

“Are you hungover?”

It wasn’t a question I was expecting, and definitely not one I was ready to answer, so I didn’t. “What did you and Carrie do last night?”

Before she could say anything, the phone rang in the kitchen. Anna picked up her camera and looked down at Dash waiting by her feet. “Come on, boy.”